Don't Make Me Beautiful (17 page)

Her face flames red and she nervously wipes some sweat off her upper lip.
 
“I didn’t mean with me.”
 
All of a sudden it’s like she can’t look him in the eye anymore, so she stares at the coffee table, poking it with her toe a little.

He laughs softly, even though the twinge of disappointment in his heart is uncomfortable.
 
For the briefest moment he pictured sitting with her in a cafe having lunch.
 
It surprises him how much he wants that to be real, for it to actually happen.

“Well, who’d you mean, then if not you?”
 
He knew it was too good to be true.
 
She’d never want to go out in public, and definitely not with him.
 
She probably looks at him and sees John in a way.
 
They’re both big guys, they live right down the street from each other, and they both wear baseball hats.
 
Brian wonders if he should quit doing that.
 
Helen would throw a party.

“You know, you could go with your girlfriend or whatever.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend.
 
I told you that already.”
 
Is she fishing for information?
 
Why?
 
This feels distinctly like a woman feeling him out, and he’s intrigued that she’d do that.
 
Maybe the idea of him and her in a cafe isn’t an impossibility.
 
He refuses to analyze why he’s thinking these things.
 
Surely there will be plenty of time to be sleepless over it later.

“You did?” she says.

“Maybe I did.
 
I thought I did.
 
Maybe I just imagined it.
 
Or it could have been one of those times I was talking to your IV bag.”

She throws a small pillow at him with her good arm and hits him in the face with it.

As it falls into his lap, he just blinks a few times, no expression on his face.
 
He loves that she feels playful around him.
 
Besides, she could toss the coffee table onto his head and he wouldn’t do a damn thing about it.
 
As long as he’s alive, no man will ever raise a hand to her again.

“I heard everything you said in that room,” Nicole says, her face still on fire.
 
She casts a few glances at him, her hands trembling just the slightest bit.

“Oh, I don’t know about that…”
 
He trails off, wondering if she heard him telling her over and over that he was going to take care of her, protect her, and make sure she never gets hurt again.
 
It might be kind of embarrassing if she knew how crazy worried he was about her, how much of himself he’d dedicated to taking care of her.

She doesn’t say anything, so he pushes the conversation forward.
 
He doesn’t want it to stop here.
 
“So, we
could
go out, you know.
 
On a date.
 
Or a non-date if you prefer.”

“A non-date?”

“Yeah.
 
Like, as friends.
 
Or we could make it an official date.”

She loses her happy expression.
 
“Stop.
 
Now you’re just being mean.”
 
She attempts to stand, but the couch has her sunk too far in, and her one arm being in a cast makes it difficult to get up.

Brian leans over and takes her free hand.
 
“Don’t go.
 
Please?
 
Let’s talk.”
 
He tugs on her gently and she sits back into the cushions, glancing at him with a distrustful expression.

He sighs heavily.
 
“You just have to accept the fact that I’m going to say all kinds of awkward, goofy things.
 
I’m sorry if I offended you.
 
Please forgive me.”

“You didn’t say anything that offended me,” she says, sighing herself.
 
She’s staring at the wall opposite the couch.
 
“I just know that you’re joking, and it hurts to know that I’m never going to have that life for myself.
 
I lost out.”
 
She shrugs and then looks at him.
 
“It’s pitiful, right?
 
How some girls feel like they need that?”

“No.”
 
He shakes his head emphatically.
 
“It’s not just girls, it’s guys too. Everyone wants to feel loved, attractive, desired.
 
That’s just part of being human.”

“But monsters don’t have the luxury of enjoying human things.”

He throws the pillow back at her, hitting her in the shoulder with it.
 
“Stop.
 
Now you’re just feeling sorry for yourself.”

Her jaw drops open.
 
“What?”

“You heard me.”
 
This refusal to participate in the pity-party feels like the right thing to do, so he runs with it, hoping all the while it doesn’t backfire on him.
 
“You’re not going to mope around here all day and night feeling sorry for yourself.
 
This house is a pity-party-free zone.”

She sputters out a response.
 
“But … that’s just … that’s just rude.”
 
She doesn’t get up, she stares at him, visibly angry now.

Brian prefers angry to sad any day, so he shrugs nonchalantly, like he could care less that she doesn’t like it.
 
“I’m a realist.
 
You had a problem, now you have to move on from it.
 
Now you have options.
 
You need to pick an option, make your plan, and then live that plan.
 
It’s that simple.”

“Oh, it’s that simple, is it?”
 
She’s fuming.

“Yeah.
 
Step one, step two, step three, etcetera.
 
Just follow the program.”

“Except you need a program to start with,” she says, her words clipped.
 
“That’s just a major detail and something I don’t have.”

“Yeah?
 
So, make one.”

She throws up her one good arm, now sounding more frustrated than angry.
 
“And how am I going to do that?
 
I have no job, no money, no ID … nothing!”

Brian stands up and goes over to the small desk in the corner that serves as his office.
 
Grabbing a legal pad and pen off the surface of it, he turns to face her.
 
“What you need is a plan and it just so happens that I have paper and pen handy.
 
Plan-making materials.”

“Oh, well … all my problems are solved.”

Brian comes back to the couch, sitting slightly closer to Nicole.
 
He’s secretly thrilled when she doesn’t move away.
 
“Okay, step one … you need identification.
 
Where’s your driver’s license?”

“I don’t know.
 
John has it somewhere.”

“Fine.
 
We’ll go online and order a new one and have it mailed here.
 
I did it just three months ago, it’s easy as pie.”
 
He writes that on the first line of the paper.
 
“That takes care of the identification issue.
 
Next?”

“Job?
 
Money?
 
Transportation?
 
A dog?”

He looks at her.
 
“A dog?”

She shrugs, suddenly looking shy. “Yeah. I was thinking it could protect me.”

Brian growls low in his throat, pointing the pen towards his face.
 
“Grrrrrr.
 
What do you think?”

She picks up the pillow and pops him gently in the face with it.
 
“No.
 
I want a real dog, not you.”

He play-frowns, looking at her with the most pitiful expression he can make.

She smiles and shoves him.
 
“Quit that.”

The giggle that escapes her lips makes Brian grin, knowing he’s gotten her out of her funk, at least partway.
 
He goes back to his list.
 
“Okay, fine.
 
Dog.
 
Check.
 
Next on the list … job.”
 
He looks over at his desk.
 
“I need someone to do my books.”
 
Looking at her, he shifts into begging mode.
 
“Please, rescue me from my nightmare.”

“No you don’t, stop playing around.”

“No, I’m serious.”
 
Brian puts the pad down on the coffee table and jumps up from the couch, striding over to his desk.
 
He opens a drawer and pulls out a stack of papers, holding them up for her.
 
“Do you see these?
 
Receipts.
 
Bills.
 
Invoices.
 
You name it, I need help with it.”

“What have you been doing all this time without help?” she asks, sounding suspicious.

“Winging it.
 
Paying part time help.
 
Getting gray hair.”
 
He points to his head.
 
“This used to be blond.
 
Now look at me.”

“You have like two gray hairs.”

“See!
 
It’s a nightmare.”

She looks like she’s trying not to smile.
 
“I can’t work for you.”

He puts down the papers and walks back to the couch, dropping into the seat even closer to Nicole than before.
 
“It pays thirty thousand a year plus housing and food.”

She swallows loudly.
 
“I can’t.”

He leans in and uses his cajoling tone.
 
“Three weeks’ vacation…”

“That’s pretty generous for a new employee.”

“I’m easily swayed by a cute personality.”

Her face goes a pretty pink.
 
“You think I have a cute personality?”

“I know you do.”

“You don’t know me as well as you think you do,” she says quietly.

“So work for me.
 
Work
with
me.
 
Be my bookkeeper, coffee maker, slave-driver, bossy girl.
 
I’ll get to know you really well.”

She shifts in her seat to look at him.
 
“I get to be a bossy girl, too?”

“Yes.
 
I like being bossed around.
 
Just ask my ex.”

Nicole laughs and pushes on Brian’s shoulder.
 
“I’m not the bossy type.
 
I’m more used to being bossed around.”

He shifts sideways to see her better, facing her and just a foot apart.
 
“Oh, I don’t know about that.”
 
He acts like he’s searching her eyes more deeply.
 
“I’m pretty sure I see a bossy girl in there somewhere.”

She’s smiling in response for a few seconds, but then her face falls.

“What?
 
What’d I say this time?” he asks.

“Nothing.”
 
Her lips tremble and she drops her gaze to her lap.
 
“I’m sorry.
 
I’m just a mess of emotions right now.
 
It’s like I’m on a seesaw or a roller coaster.
 
Up, down, up, down … happy, sad, happy, sad.”

“Come here.”
 
Brian puts his arms across her shoulders and pulls her in to his side as he leans back in the cushions.
 
“I’m sure that’s completely normal.
 
After all you’ve been through, you can’t be expected to even know
how
to feel yet.
 
Your world’s been warped for too long.”

“I thought we weren’t allowed to have pity parties in your house.”

“We aren’t.
 
This isn’t a pity party, this is just us discussing the facts.
 
Facts are that you had a few years of your life taken away from you.
 
Now we’re going to get them back.
 
Forward movement from here on out.
 
Pity parties are backward steps, but we’re not going to take any of those, right?”

“Right,” she says, not sounding very convinced.

He squeezes her several times, rocking her body.
 
“Come oooon … say it like you mean it.”

“Forward movement, never back,” she mumbles petulantly.

“That’s it.
 
Listen, you’re going to stumble, but that’s what I’m here for.
 
Lean on me.
 
I’ll keep you from falling.”

“I think I am.” She looks up at him and then glances at his shoulder she’s leaning into.

“Yeah, but I mean figuratively.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m doing that too.”

“Okay, good.
 
Keep doing it and we’ll be fine.”

“What do you get out of all this?” she asks.
 
“The benefits for me are clear, but what about you?”

Brian turns to look at her, his face just inches from hers.
 
“I get you, of course.”
 
Leaning forward he kisses her on the forehead.

Chapter Twenty-Six

NICOLE LAYS IN BED THAT night, thinking back on her first evening spent with Brian outside the hospital.
 
He’s charming, kind, funny, intelligent, handsome as any man she’s ever known, and … he kissed her.
 
It was only on the forehead, but it was a kiss.

Her face goes warm with the memory, and her body responds to the fantasy that starts building in her mind about him.
 
Maybe one day he’ll kiss her for real and not just on the forehead.
 
He said something about going out on a date with her.

But then she immediately erases those ideas from her mind, getting angry with herself over being so stupid.
 
She’s never going out on a date, let alone with a man like Brian.
 
He’s too good for her.
 
He needs to be with a beautiful woman who won’t make his son run away in fear.
 
Someone who’s confident and happy and brilliant.