Don't Tell the Teacher (4 page)

In the Home Corner,
In an infant school classroom,
A boy and girl,
Rising five,
Were arguing,
Stabbing the air with small fingers,
Jutting out their chins,
And stamping little feet.
‘Oh, do shut up!'
‘No, you shut up!'
‘I'm sick of you!'
‘I'm sick of you!'
‘Oh, just be quiet!'
‘No, you be quiet!'
‘Oh, do shut up!'
‘No, you shut up!'
‘What is all this?' the teacher cried.
‘We're playing mums and dads,'
The infants both replied.

Mrs Moore,
Who lives next door,
Owns a red and blue macaw.

Mr Joad,
Across the road,
Has a green and yellow toad.

Miss O'Mally,
Down the alley,
Calls her furry rabbit Sally.

Sir Titus Pain,
In the lane,
Keeps a bulldog on a chain.

Old Miss Black,
On the cul-de-sac,
Has a duck which doesn't quack.

Dr Platts,
In the flats,
Lives with two grey Siamese cats.

Mrs Gerard,
On the boulevard,
Keeps a donkey in her yard.

Professor Clive,
Down the drive,
Keeps buzzing bees in a hive.

Lady Low,
On the row,
Has a tame but noisy crow.

Reverend Fleet,
Down the street,
Has a talking parakeet.

Dear Miss Pleasant,
On the crescent,
In her garden has a pheasant.

Lord St Clair,
By the thoroughfare,
In his stable keeps a mare.

But there's a house that's cold and stark.
It's through the wood, beyond the park,
And there lives Mr and Mrs Clark,
Who have a pond that's deep and dark
And their pet is – a great white shark!

Miss Perkins has a vulture.
It perches on her chair
And watches all the children,
As quietly they sit there.

Its feathers are a battleship grey,
Bright yellow are its claws,
Its beak is as sharp as razor blades
And its wings like giant oars.

Miss Perkins has no problems
With naughty girls and boys.
Her class is always well behaved
And never makes a noise.

The children sit in silence,
They never speak a word,
They never walk about the room,
When Miss Perkins brings the bird.

No one even whispers,
No one scrapes a chair,
No one moves a muscle,
When the teacher's pet is there.

‘Your picture's most unusual,' Miss Moore, our teacher, said,

‘But I've never seen a porcupine with horns upon its head,

And lavender lions and silver snakes and a cow in a crimson coat,

Nor have I seen an orange mouse or a rainbow-coloured goat.

And what is this, a crocodile, with a gold ring through its nose?

A purple bat, a spotted rat and a parrot wearing clothes?

I can't recall that I have ever seen a monkey in a hat,

A camel sporting spectacles or a multicoloured cat.

Oh dearie me, a chimpanzee, flying in a plane,

A grizzly bear with yellow hair and a pig with a purple mane.

And what is this you've painted here –
a hive of scarlet bees,

A turtle playing tiddlywinks and an elephant on skis.

Now, sit right down and please don't frown,' our teacher duly sighed,

‘And pick your paintbrush up again and have another try.'

Up
and down, up and down, on the escalator in the town,

Up
and
down, up and down, on the escalator in the town,

Up and
down,
up and down, on the escalator in the town,

Up and down,
up
and down, on the escalator in the town,

Up and down, up
and
down, on the escalator in the town,

Up and down, up and
down,
on the escalator in the town,

Up and down, up and down,
on
the escalator in the town,

Up and down, up and down, on
the
escalator in the town,

Up and down, up and down, on the
escalator
in the town,

Up and down, up and down, on the escalator
in
the town,

Up and down, up and down, on the escalator in
the
town,

Up and down, up and down, on the escalator in the
town.

Little Lizzie felt quite dizzy
On the circus carousel.
Round and round and up and down,
You should have heard poor Lizzie yell.
‘I do not like it! Do not like it!'
Everyone heard Lizzie shout.
‘It's making me feel really queasy,
Will you stop this roundabout?'

Round and round and up and down,
And up and down and round and round.
I do not like this horrid ride,
I want my feet on solid ground.'
But when the carousel was over,
Little Lizzie said, ‘You know,
I found the experience quite exciting.
I think I'd like another go.'

She secretes them in spaghetti,
Hides them under chips,
Camouflages them in pizza,
Buries them in dips.
She wraps them up in batter,
Conceals them in baked beans,
Envelops them in gravy,
Disperses them in greens.
She chops them up with onions,
Sprinkles them with cheese,
Mashes them with cabbage,
Scatters them in peas.
She covers them in ketchup,
Submerges them in stew,
But he can still taste mushrooms
Whatever Mum tries to do.

‘What is the point,' asked Dad,
‘Of having a stud through your tongue?'

‘If you mutht know,' replied his daughter, ‘I'm
exthprething my perthonality.'