Don't Tell the Teacher (5 page)

In a dark dark town,
There was a dark dark street,
And in the dark dark street,
There was a dark dark school,
And in the dark dark school,
There were some dark dark gates,
And behind the dark dark gates,
There was a dark dark door,
And beyond the dark dark door,
There was a dark dark corridor,
And down the dark dark corridor,
There was a dark dark classroom,
And in the dark dark classroom,
There was a dark dark desk,
And in the dark dark desk,
There was a dark dark drawer,
And in the dark dark drawer,
There was a dark dark box,
And in the dark dark box,
There was…
Colin Cooper s conker, which Miss Cawdiorne had confiscated
Because he was playing with it in class.

Miss Cawthorne says I can't play conkers any more.
She says it's far too dangerous,
Especially in class.
That I could get a bit of conker in my eye
And have to go to hospital
And that I might lose my sight.
‘Conkers are banned!' she said.
I told her that I wear glasses,
So there's not much chance
Of getting a bit of conker in my eye.
Miss Cawthorne sent me to the head teacher for being cheeky.

When I threw a lump of mud at Michael Morrison,
I told Miss Shoolbred I was trying to attract his attention
And I didn't mean it to land on his head.
Miss Shoolbred said there were better ways to attract his
attention
Than throwing a lump of mud at him.
She made me stay in at playtime and think about other ways
Of communicating with people.
She told me to write them down.
And so I wrote,
‘You could send them a:
      letter,
      note,
      postcard,
      fax,
      email or
      Morse code message.
You could:
      phone them up or
      send them a smoke signal.'
Miss Shoolbred sent me to the head teacher
To communicate with him.

When Leroy laughed
The whole class started laughing.
It was a huffing, puffing,
Guffawing, hee-hawing,
Braying, neighing,
Thundering, ear-splitting sort of a laugh.
‘Not so loud, Leroy,' said the teacher,
‘It's enough to wake the dead.'
Then Leroy left.
Oh, how we missed his laugh.
Our classroom now seems as silent as the grave.

Mary in a pale blue cloak,
Joseph with a towel over his head,
Held in place by an elastic belt with snake clasp,
Approached the cardboard inn
And knocked.

‘Have you a room?' asked Joseph.
‘Sorry,' said the innkeeper, shaking his litde head.
‘But we have travelled far,' said Joseph.
‘No room at the inn.'
‘And we are tired, very tired.'
‘We are all full up and have no room.'
‘And my dear wife is to have a baby'
‘We have no room at the inn,' said die innkeeper.
‘Oh, please,' begged Joseph, ‘just for die night.'

The innkeeper,
In a pale brown dressing gown
And bright red slippers,
Observed the litde travellers,
Sad and weary and far from home,
And scratched his head.
‘Have my room,' he said, smiling,
‘And I'll sleep in the stable.'

I really am excited!
We're having a bit of a celebration
In our house tonight.
Mum said that when Dad sees my school report
There will be fireworks!

My father drives an ambulance,
My mother drives a van,
My sister drives a sports car
And my brother drives a tram,
My uncle drives a forklift truck,
My auntie drives a cab,
But they all agree, when it comes to me,
I simply drive them mad!

‘Will you come out of the bathroom!
You've been in nearly half an hour.
I need to pay a visit,
I need to take a shower,
I need to give my teeth a clean,
I need to wash my hair,
Every morning it's always the same,
What on earth do you do in there?'

‘I can't come out of the bathroom!
If I tell you, please don't laugh.
I've got my toe stuck up the tap
While soaking in the bath.'

‘And the prize for the best attendance this year goes to William Webster.

(Silence)

To William Webster.

(Silence)

Is William Webster here?'

‘No, sir. He hasn't turned up!'

My story on Monday began:

Mountainous seas crashed on the cliffs,

And the desolate land grew wetter…

The teacher wrote a little note:

Remember the capital letter!

My story on Tuesday began:

Red tongues of fire licked higher and higher

From Etna's smoking top…

The teacher wrote a little note:

Where is your full stop?

My story on Wednesday began:

Through the dark, pine-scented woods

There twists a hidden path…