Drunk With Blood (21 page)

2 Samuel 12.15-18

Number Killed: 1

David and Bathsheba’s baby boy

You’ve probably heard the story about David and Bathsheba. You know, the one where David sees Bathsheba taking a bath, and since he likes what he sees, he has sex with her.

In an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king’s house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon. And David sent and enquired after the woman. And one said, Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite? And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her. 2 Samuel 11.2-4

She becomes pregnant with David’s child and David sends her husband (Uriah) into the front lines to be killed.

The woman conceived, and sent and told David, and said, I am with child. 11.5

In the morning … David wrote a letter to Joab, and sent it by the hand of Uriah … saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die … And Uriah the Hittite died. 11.14-17

Well, that’s not what this story is about. In fact, the killing of Uriah is the only one of David’s many killings that God disapproved of. David had Uriah killed and God had nothing to do with it.

The thing that David had done displeased the LORD. 11.27

God was displeased with David for killing Uriah and taking his wife, but he forgave him for it.

The LORD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die. 12.13

Still, God had to do something to show his displeasure. Here’s what he decided to do: he’d have David’s wives raped by his neighbor while everyone else watches.

Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun. 12.11

It turns out that the “neighbor” that God sends to do his dirty work is David’s own son, Absalom.

Ahithophel said unto Absalom, Go in unto thy father’s concubines, which he hath left to keep the house … So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father’s concubines in the sight of all Israel. 2 Samuel 16.21-22

But that didn’t quite do it. David had caused God’s enemies to blaspheme, so God had to give them something else to blaspheme about. But what?

Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme… 12.14a

Kill the baby, that’s what.

…the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. 12.14b

And that’s what God did, but not all at once. He let the baby suffer for a while.

The LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife bare unto David, and it was very sick. 12.15

When God made the baby sick, David pleaded with God to stop tormenting him. But God wouldn’t listen.

David therefore besought God for the child; and David fasted, and went in, and lay all night upon the earth. 12.16

Finally, after the baby suffered for seven days, God killed him.

On the seventh day, that the child died. 12.18

After the baby died, David washed, got dressed, had a nice meal, and worshiped the God who killed his son.

David arose from the earth, and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his apparel, and came into the house of the LORD, and worshipped: then he ... did eat. 12.20

The story has a happy ending, though. After Bathsheba’s baby boy is killed by God, David comforts her by going “in unto her.” (He’s such a nice guy!)

David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in unto her. 12.24a

And Bathsheba conceives and bears another son (Solomon).

And she bare a son, and he called his name Solomon. 12.24b

And God loved Solomon.

And the LORD love
d
him. 12.24c

He probably said to himself, as the Brick Testament (
www.bricktestament.com
) suggests, “I don’t think I’ll kill this one.”

2 Samuel 21.1-9

Estimated Number Killed: 3,000

2 sons and 5 grandsons of Saul, plus those that died in the famine

It all started with one of God’s famous three-year famines. David asked God why he sent the famine.

Then there was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. 2 Samuel 21.1a

God said it was because Saul killed some Gibeonites. (The Bible doesn’t say when or where Saul supposedly did this.)

The LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. 21.1b

So David asked the Gibeonites what he could do to make atonement.

Wherefore David said unto the Gibeonites, What shall I do for you? and wherewith shall I make the atonement? 21.3

The Gibeonites said that David should give them Saul’s seven sons so they could hang them up before the Lord.

They answered the king ... Let seven men of his sons be delivered unto us, and we will hang them up unto the LORD. 21.5-6

David agreed, giving them two of Saul’s sons and five of his grandsons. “And they hanged them in the hill before the Lord.”

The king took the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bare unto Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth; and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul ... And he delivered them into the hands of the Gibeonites, and they hanged them in the hill before the LORD. 21.8-9

And that satisfied God so that he quit starving the Israelites.

And after that God was intreated for the land. 21.14

The Bible doesn’t say how many Israelites died in God’s three year famine. I’ll guess 3000, 1000 for each year for the famine.

2 Samuel 23, 1 Chronicles 11

Estimated Number Killed: 3,400
1403 plus two “great victories”

There is a list of crazy single-handed killings in 2 Samuel 23 and 1 Chronicles 11 that God obviously approved of since the Bible brags about them so much. I’m including them all here.

These be the names of the mighty men whom David had: 2 Samuel 23:8a

These also are the chief of the mighty men whom David had ... to make him king, according to the word of the LORD concerning Israel. And this is the number of the mighty men whom David had: 1 Chronicles 11:10-11a

Adino and/or Jashobeam
There is some confusion about this one. Who was the chief of David’s captains (Adino or Jashobeam) and how many did he kill with his spear at one time (300 or 800)? Was it two different captains in two different slaughters? I’ll give them both credit and call it 1100.

The Tachmonite that sat in the seat, chief among the captains; the same was Adino the Eznite: he lift up his spear against eight hundred, whom he slew at one time. 2 Samuel 23:8

Jashobeam, an Hachmonite, the chief of the captains: he lifted up his spear against three hundred slain by him at one time. 1 Chronicles 11:11b

The son of Dodo
Next we have the son of Dodo who smote Philistines until his hand stuck to his sword, “and the LORD wrought a great victory that day.” It doesn’t say how many he killed; I’ll guess 1000.

Eleazar the son of Dodo ... smote the Philistines until his hand was weary, and his hand clave unto the sword: and the LORD wrought a great victory that day. 2 Samuel 23:9-10

Eleazar the son of Dodo ... one of the three mighties ... slew the Philistines; and the LORD saved them by a great deliverance. 1 Chronicles 11:12-14

Shammah
Shammah isn’t mentioned in the 1 Chronicles account, but according to 2 Samuel, God was involved since “the Lord wrought a great victory.” I’ll give God and Shammah credit for another 1000 for this “great victory.”

Shammah the son of Agee ... slew the Philistines: and the LORD wrought a great victory. 2 Samuel 23:11-12

Abishai
Abishai killed 300 Philistines with his spear.

Abishai ... lifted up his spear against three hundred, and slew them. 2 Samuel 23:18

Abishai the brother of Joab, he was chief of the three: for lifting up his spear against three hundred, he slew them. 1 Chronicles 11:20

Benaiah
This one is my favorite. Banaiah killed two lion-like men and then a lion in a snowy pit. After that he killed a good-looking, 7.5 foot tall Egyptian with the Egyptian’s spear.

Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: he went down also and slew a lion in the midst of a pit in time of snow. And he slew an Egyptian, a goodly man: and the Egyptian had a spear in his hand. 2 Samuel 23:20-21

Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: also he went down and slew a lion in a pit in a snowy day. And he slew an Egyptian, a man of great stature, five cubits high; and in the Egyptian’s hand was a spear like a weaver’s beam; and he went down to him with a staff, and plucked the spear out of the Egyptian’s hand, and slew him with his own spear. 1 Chronicles 11:22-23

2 Samuel 24.1, 1 Chronicles 21.1

Estimated Number Killed: 200,000

Number of Israelite men killed: 70,000

This is not an easy one to explain, but I’ll give it a try.

It all starts with God telling David to do a census, you know like the one the U.S. Constitution requires us to do every ten years.

And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah. 2 Samuel 24.1

Or was it Satan that asked David to do the census, as it says in 1 Chronicles 21.1?

Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel. 1 Chronicles 21.1

Oh well, maybe it was both. They often work together (
130
). In any case, David sent Joab out to take the census, and after 9 months and 20 days, Joab came back with the results: there were 800,000 sword-yielding men in Israel and 500,000 in Judah.

So when they had gone through all the land, they came to Jerusalem at the end of nine months and twenty days. And Joab gave up the sum of the number of the people unto the king: and there were in Israel eight hundred thousand valiant men that drew the sword; and the men of Judah were five hundred thousand men. 2 Samuel 24.8-9

Or was it was 1,100,000 and 470,000 men in Israel and Judah, as it says in 1 Chronicles 21:5?

Joab gave the sum of the number of the people unto David. And all they of Israel were a thousand thousand and an hundred thousand men that drew sword: and Judah was four hundred threescore and ten thousand men that drew sword. 1 Chronicles 21.5

Whichever it may have been, either is comparable to the number of active duty soldiers in the U.S. military today. Not bad for small tribal kingdom in 1000 BCE!

After the census, David decided that he had done something wrong, which is weird since he had only taken a census that God told him to take.

David’s heart smote him after that he had numbered the people. And David said unto the LORD, I have sinned greatly in that I have done. 2 Samuel 24.10

And God was angry, too, at least that’s what the prophet Gad told him. Gad said God offered David three choices:

Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things; choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. 2 Samuel 24.11-12

1. Seven years of famine,

Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? 2 Samuel 24.11-1

(or three years if you believe the story in 1 Chronicles 21)

Either three years’ famine. 1 Chronicles 21.13a

2. Three months of losing battles,

Or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? 2 Samuel 24.13b

3. Three days of pestilence.

Or that there be three days’ pestilence in they land? 2 Samuel 24.13c

David couldn’t decide, so God decided for him. God chose the three days of pestilence, thereby killing 70,000 men, which would mean at least a couple hundred thousand people (since only men count to God).

So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beersheba seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24.15

But God was still pissed off, even after he finished killing a couple hundred thousand people in the pestilence. So he sent an angel to destroy the city of Jerusalem. But before the angel destroyed the city, God “repented him of the evil” that he intended to do, and he told the angel to stop.

When the angel stretched out his hand upon Jerusalem to destroy it, the LORD repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed the people, It is enough: stay now thine hand. 2 Samuel 24.16

When David saw the angel that was still killing people, he said, “I’ve sinned, but what have these people done?” A good question, that God, of course, completely ignores.

David spake unto the LORD when he saw the angel that smote the people, and said, Lo, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly: but these sheep, what have they done? 2 Samuel 24.17

Finally, Gad tells David to buy some land, make an altar, and kill some animals to make God quit killing people. So David buys some land for 50 shekels of silver (or 600 shekels of gold if you prefer the story in 1 Chronicles 21), sets up an altar, and kills some animals for God.

Gad came that day to David, and said unto him, Go up, rear an altar unto the LORD in the threshingfloor of Araunah the Jebusite ... So David bought the threshingfloor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver. And David built there an altar unto the LORD, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. So the LORD was intreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel. 2 Samuel 24.18-25

And God finally stopped killing people.

So the LORD was intreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel. 2 Samuel 24.25