Drunk With Blood (20 page)

2 Samuel 1.15

Number Killed: 1

An Amalekite messenger

The first verse of Second Samuel is this:

Now it came to pass after the death of Saul, when David was returned from the slaughter of the Amalekites, and David had abode two days in Ziklag. 2 Samuel 1.1

That’s right. Second Samuel begins with David returning “from the slaughter of the Amalekites.” It’s hard to see how David could have found any Amalekites to slaughter since Saul killed them all just a little while before (
65
), but maybe God created some more Amalekites just so David could slaughter them again. He might have. He’s the type.

In any case, when David came back from slaughtering Amalekites, a messenger was waiting for him. And who do you think the messenger was? That’s right, an Amalekite!

I am an Amalekite. 1.8

The Amalekite told David that when Saul was mortally wounded, he asked him to put him out of his misery. So he did. Then he removed Saul’s bracelet and crown and brought them to David.

So I stood upon him, and slew him, because I was sure that he could not live after that he was fallen: and I took the crown that was upon his head, and the bracelet that was on his arm, and have brought them hither unto my lord. 1.10

When David heard this, he and all of his men “rent their clothes” (Bible folks are always doing that).

Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him. 1.11

David then thanked the Amalekite for his kindness by having one of his “young men fall upon him.”

David called one of the young men, and said, Go near, and fall upon him. And he smote him that he died. 1.15

2 Samuel 4.12

Number Killed: 2

Rechab and Baanah

After Saul’s death, David became king of Judah and Saul’s son, Ishbosheth, king of Israel. Things didn’t go well for poor Ishbosheth, though. First his father and brothers were killed by God (
73
). Then his captain, Abner, was killed by David’s captain, Joel. And his army was always fighting a losing battle with David’s. He was about ready to call it quits.

When Saul’s son heard that Abner was dead in Hebron, his hands were feeble, and all the Israelites were troubled. 2 Samuel 4.1

After Abner died, Rechab and Baanah became Ishbosheth’s captains.

Saul’s son had two men that were captains of bands: the name of the one was Baanah, and the name of the other Rechab. 4.2

One day Rechab and Baanah went to visit Ishbosheth, who was taking a nap at the time.

Rechab and Baanah, went, and came about the heat of the day to the house of Ishbosheth, who lay on a bed at noon. 4.5

They pretended to be picking up some wheat, but they really stopped by to kill him. And they “smote him under the fifth rib” (the preferred place to smite someone in the Bible).

They came thither into the midst of the house, as though they would have fetched wheat; and they smote him under the fifth rib. 4.6

After smiting him, they cut off his head and took it to David.

When they came into the house, he lay on his bed in his bedchamber, and they smote him, and slew him, and beheaded him, and took his head. And they brought the head of Ishbosheth unto David. 4.7-8

They figured David would be pleased, since he and Ishbosheth were enemies. But they were wrong.

David told them about how he killed the Amalekite who killed Saul (
74
), even though Saul asked him to since he was mortally wounded. Now he was going to kill them for killing Saul’s son, Ishbosheth.

When one told me, saying, Behold, Saul is dead, thinking to have brought good tidings, I took hold of him, and slew him … How much more, when wicked men have slain a righteous person in his own house upon his bed? 4.10-11

So David had his “young men” kill Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hang their bodies up over the pool in Hebron.

David commanded his young men, and they slew them, and cut off their hands and their feet, and hanged them up over the pool in Hebron. 4.12

Mutilated bodies hanging over pools make such nice decorations!

2 Samuel 5.19-25

Estimated Number Killed: 2,000

Philistines

Now that Ishbosheth is dead, David is king of both Israel and Judah, and he’s fighting his old friends, the Philistines—with God’s help, of course.

God is David’s military adviser. David asked him if he should attack the Philistines, and God said, “Attack: I will help you kill them.”

David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up to the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into mine hand? And the LORD said unto David, Go up: for I will doubtless deliver the Philistines into thine hand. 2 Samuel 5.19

When they finished slaughtering the Philistines, David asked God if they should do it again. And God said, “Yeah, let’s do it again. Only this time attack from behind when you hear troops marching in the tree tops.”

When David enquired of the LORD, he said, Thou shalt not go up; but fetch a compass behind them, and come upon them over against the mulberry trees. Then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines. And let it be, when thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees, that then thou shalt bestir thyself: for then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines. 5.23-24

God, I tell you, is a military genius!

So David waited until he heard noises in the mulberry trees and then followed God, smiting the Philistines from behind.

And David did so, as the LORD had commanded him; and smote the Philistines. 5.25

The Bible doesn’t say how many Philistines died in these two killings, so I’ll just give it the usual 1000 for each.

2 Samuel 6.7

Number Killed: 1

Uzzah

The ark of the Lord is nothing but trouble.

Remember when the Philistines had it? God plagued them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts, so they sent it to one city after another. But God’s hemorrhoid’s followed the ark wherever it went. (
59
).

Finally the Philistines got rid of the damned thing by giving God five golden hemorrhoids and sending the ark to Bethshemesh. But then the Bethshemeshites looked into the ark (all of them?), so God killed 50,070 (
60
).

And now David decides to bring the ark back to Jerusalem. During the trip David and his gang of 30,000 were madly singing and dancing away, when the oxen stumbled and the ark started to fall. Uzzah reached out and tried to steady the cart and, in so doing, touched the ark of the Lord. So God, of course, had to kill him.

That was the condensed version. Here’s the story from the Bible.

David gathered together all the chosen men of Israel, thirty thousand. And David arose, and went with all the people that were with him from Baale of Judah, to bring up from thence the ark of God … And they set the ark of God upon a new cart … and Uzzah … drave the new cart … David and all the house of Israel played before the LORD on all manner of instruments made of fir wood, even on harps, and on psalteries, and on timbrels, and on cornets, and on cymbals. And when they came to Nachon’s threshingfloor, Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it. And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God. 2 Samuel 6.1-7

I guess it was God’s way of saying, “Thanks Uzzah.”

2 Samuel 8.1-2

Estimated Number Killed: 667

Moabites

How should we treat prisoners of war? Fortunately, as with so many difficult questions, the Bible has the answer!

Bible believers don’t need to worry about the Geneva Convention. God tells them directly what to do with their POWs in the Bible. All they have to do is follow David’s example.

David ... smote Moab, and measured them with a line, casting them down to the ground; even with two lines measured he to put to death, and with one full line to keep alive. And so the Moabites became David’s servants, and brought gifts. 2 Samuel 8:1-2

So when it comes to POWs, we know what is right in the eyes of the Lord: kill two-thirds of them and enslave the rest.

That is the Bible’s infallible answer.

(My estimate of 667 is two thirds of the standard Biblical slaughter of 1000.)

2 Samuel 8.5-6

Number Killed: 65,850 Syrians plus about 1000 Philistines

Philistines and Syrians

As I mentioned in the introduction, God approved all of David’s killings (except for the matter of Uriah).

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15:5

He even helped out with most of them. Still, some of the ones from 2 Samuel 8-10 are just too damned boring to deal with separately, so I’m lumping them together here.

2 Samuel 8 begins by telling us that David somehow found some more Philistines to smite.

It came to pass that David smote the Philistines, and subdued them. 2 Samuel 8:1

Then David smote Hadadezer, the king of Zobah, “taking” 1000 chariots, 700 (or 7000, if you believe the story in 1 Chronicles 18:3-4) horsemen, and 20,000 foot soldiers. [Since the text doesn’t say that David killed the 20,700 (or 27,000) soldiers, I’n not counting them as killings.]

David smote also Hadadezer ... king of Zobah ... And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven hundred horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. 2 Samuel 8:3-4a

David smote Hadarezer king of Zobah ... And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven thousand horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. 1 Chronicles 18:3-4

David hamstrung (“houghed” in the KJV) all but 100 of the 1000 horses.

David houghed all the chariot horses, but reserved of them for an hundred chariots. 2 Samuel 8:4b

Then he killed 22,000 Syrians. “And the Lord gave David victory wherever he went.” (NIV)

When the Syrians of Damascus came to succour Hadadezer king of Zobah, David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men … and the Syrians became servants to David, and brought gifts. … And the LORD preserved David whithersoever he went. 2 Samuel 8.5-6

And another 40,700 Syrians (or was it 47,000?).

The Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew the men of seven hundred chariots of the Syrians, and forty thousand horsemen. 2 Samuel 10.18

But the Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew of the Syrians seven thousand men which fought in chariots, and forty thousand footmen. 1 Chronicles 19.8

So I’ll give David (and God) credit for 66,850: 1000 Philistines and 65,850 Syrians. (22,000 in the first killing and 43,850 in the second, taking the average of 47,000 and 40,070 from the stories in 2 Samuel 10 and 1 Chronicles 19.)

2 Samuel 8.13-14, 1 Kings 11.15-16, 1 Chronicles 18.12, Psalm 60.1

15,000 Syrian (or Edomite) soldiers plus every male in Edom (~50,000)

Syrians and Edomites

There’s not a lot to go on here, just a few contradictory verses from four different books.

There’s a one-verse story from 2 Samuel saying that David got a name for himself by killing 18,000 Syrians in the valley of salt.

David gat him a name when he returned from smiting of the Syrians in the valley of salt, being eighteen thousand men. 2 Samuel 8.13

Then there’s a (sort of) similar verse from 1 Chronicles that agrees with 2 Samuel on the number killed (18,000) and the site of the killing (the valley of salt), but disagrees about the identities of the killer (Abishai vs. David) and the people killed (Syrians vs. Edomites).

Abishai … slew of the Edomites in the valley of salt eighteen thousand. 1 Chronicles 18.12

And there’s a Psalm story that says it was Joab who killed 12,000 in the valley of salt with the candlestick (or was it the lead pipe?).

Joab returned, and smote of Edom in the valley of salt twelve thousand. Psalm 60.1

There’s something else we are told about this killing. After the 18,000 (or 12,000) Edomites (or Syrians) were killed in the valley of salt by David (or Abishai or Joab), Joab killed every male in Edom.

When David was in Edom, and Joab the captain of the host was gone up to bury the slain, after he had smitten every male in Edom; (For six months did Joab remain there with all Israel, until he had cut off every male in Edom:) 1 Kings 11.15-16

So how many were killed in this killing? 18,000 or 12,000 in the valley of salt? And how many males were killed in Edom in Joab’s male genocide?

I’ll take 15,000 (the average of 12,000 and 18,000) for the number of Edomite (or Syrian) soldiers that were killed, and guess that 50,000 males of all ages were slaughtered, for a total of 65,000 in all.