Drunk With Blood (23 page)
1 Kings 16:18
Number Killed: 1
Zimri
Remember Zimri? The guy that killed Baasha’s wall-pissing family and friends for God (
90
)? Well, now it’s his turn. What goes around, comes around—a lot in the Bible!
After Zimri killed Elah (Baasha’s son), he replaced him as king of Israel.
In the twenty and sixth year of Asa king of Judah began Elah to reign over Israel … And his servant Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him, as he was in Tirzah, drinking himself drunk ... And Zimri went in and smote him, and killed him … and reigned in his stead. 1 Kings 16.8-10
He wasn't king long though, just long enough to perform his mission from God.
As soon as he sat on his throne … he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD. 16.11-12
A week later, the people of Israel chose Omri as king.
In the twenty and seventh year of Asa king of Judah did Zimri reign seven days in Tirzah. And the people … made Omri, the captain of the host, king over Israel. 16.15-16
And then, of course, Omri, along with everyone in Israel, went to pay Zimri a visit.
And Omri … and all Israel with him … beseiged Tirzah. 16.17
When Zimri saw Omri and “all Israel” attacking, he burned himself to death.
When Zimri saw that the city was taken, that he went into the palace of the king’s house, and burnt the king’s house over him with fire, and died. 16.18
God was pleased with the way the whole thing turned out. Zimri burned to death for “doing evil in the sight of the Lord.”
For his sins which he sinned in doing evil in the sight of the LORD, in walking in the way of Jeroboam, and in his sin which he did, to make Israel to sin. 16.19
The Bible doesn’t say what the evil was. The only thing that we know about Zimri is that he murdered Baasha’s son, Elah, and all of Baasha’s wall-pissing family and friends.
But that wasn’t evil, since God wanted them killed. So what was it?
Maybe Zimri had some golden calves in his closet or something.
1 Kings 17:1, Luke 4.25, James 5.17-18
Estimated Number Killed: 3,000
Israelites
The story of Elijah begins with a drought.
Elijah … said unto Ahab, As the LORD God of Israel liveth, before whom I stand, there shall not be dew nor rain these years, but according to my word. 1 Kings 17.1
And according to 1 Kings, the drought ended in its third year (so it lasted more than two but less than three years).
The LORD came to Elijah in the third year, saying, Go, shew thyself unto Ahab; and I will send rain upon the earth. 1 Kings 18.1
But if you believe the New Testament authors, the drought lasted for 3 years and six months, during which time there was no rain anywhere on earth because Elijah “prayed earnestly that it might not rain.”
In the days of Elias [Elijah]…the heaven was shut up three years and six months, when great famine was throughout all the land. Luke 4.25
Elias [Elijah]… prayed earnestly that it might not rain: and it rained not on the earth by the space of three years and six months. And he prayed again, and the heaven gave rain, and the earth brought forth her fruit. James 5.17-18
The Bible doesn’t say why the drought occurred; apparently it was just to get Elijah’s prophecy career off to a good start. But if the book of James is right and it didn’t rain anywhere on earth for 3 and a half years, then many people must have died of starvation.
I’ll just guess that 3,000 people starved to death (1000 per year) in God’s promotional campaign for Ellijah.
1 Kings 18.40
Number Killed: at least 450, possibly 850
Prophets of Baal (and the grove?)
Ahab, the king of Israel, was a follower of Baal, which, of course, Yahweh and Elijah didn’t like very much. So Elijah suggested a prayer contest to determine which god was the real God.
Elijah told Ahab to get all the prophets of Baal to meet him on Mt. Carmel.
Send, and gather to me all Israel unto mount Carmel, and the prophets of Baal four hundred and fifty, and the prophets of the groves four hundred, which eat at Jezebel’s table. 1 Kings 18.19
When they arrived, he told them to get a bull, kill it, chop it into pieces, and put the whole bloody mess on some wood. But don’t light it on fire.
Let them therefore give us two bullocks; and let them choose one bullock for themselves, and cut it in pieces, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under: and I will dress the other bullock, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under. 18.23
Then ask Baal to light it all on fire.
And call ye on the name of your gods, and I will call on the name of the LORD: and the God that answereth by fire, let him be God. 18.24
So the prophets of Baal did that. They prayed and prayed all morning and jumped up and down on the altar, but nothing happened.
They took the bullock which was given them, and they dressed it, and called on the name of Baal from morning even until noon, saying, O Baal, hear us. But there was no voice, nor any that answered. And they leaped upon the altar which was made. 18.26
Elijah taunted them, saying, “Pray harder! Maybe your god is on a trip or sleeping or something.” But still there was no fire.
And it came to pass at noon, that Elijah mocked them, and said, Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked. 18.27
The priests of Baal cut themselves with knives until their blood was gushing around all over. But nothing happened.
And they cried aloud, and cut themselves after their manner with knives and lancets, till the blood gushed out upon them … until the time of the offering of the evening sacrifice … there was neither voice, nor any to answer, nor any that regarded. 18.28-29
Then it was Elijah’s turn. Just to show off, he poured water over the whole bloody mess three times.
He put the wood in order, and cut the bullock in pieces, and laid him on the wood, and said, Fill four barrels with water, and pour it on the burnt sacrifice, and on the wood. And he said, Do it the second time. And they did it the second time. And he said, Do it the third time. And they did it the third time. And the water ran round about the altar; and he filled the trench also with water. 18.33-35
He prayed to God and a fire fell down from heaven and consumed it all, even the surrounding stones.
The fire of the LORD fell, and consumed the burnt sacrifice, and the wood, and the stones, and the dust, and licked up the water that was in the trench. 18.38
Then Elijah told the spectators to slaughter the 450 prophets of Baal (along with the 400 prophets of the grove? See 18.19).
Baal’s prophets are four hundred and fifty men ... And Elijah said unto them, Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape. 18.22, 40a
So that’s what they did.
And they took them: and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there. 18.40b
And the hand of of the Lord was on Elijah.
And the hand of the LORD was on Elijah. 18.46
1 Kings 20.20-21
Estimated Number Killed: 10,000
Syrians
This is a fairly simple story.
A nameless prophet tells King Ahab that God will deliver the “great multitude” of Syrians into his hand that very day, just to let Ahab know that “God is the Lord.”
There came a prophet unto Ahab king of Israel, saying, Thus saith the LORD, Hast thou seen all this great multitude? behold, I will deliver it into thine hand this day; and thou shalt know that I am the LORD. 1 Kings 20.13
So Ahab rounded up 232 princes and 7000 “children of Israel” and went off to fight the “great multitude” of Syrians.
Then he numbered the young men of the princes of the provinces, and they were two hundred and thirty two: and after them he numbered all the people, even all the children of Israel, being seven thousand. 20.15
They went out at noon while the Syrian king Benhadad was busy “drinking himself drunk” with the help of 32 other kings.
They went out at noon. But Benhadad was drinking himself drunk in the pavilions, he and the kings, the thirty and two kings that helped him. 20.16
Benhadad must have taken his orders from a different God, though, because he told his soldiers not to kill any prisoners. (The God of the Bible would never allow that. In fact, Ahab—along with his wife, family and friends—will later be killed by God for not killing Benhadad when he took him prisoner. See killings (
96
), (
98
), (
105
), (
106
), (
107
), (
108
), and (
110
).
He said, Whether they be come out for peace, take them alive; or whether they be come out for war, take them alive. 20.18
So the Israelites go out and kill lots of Syrians with a “great slaughter.”
They slew every one his man: and the Syrians fled; and Israel pursued them ... And the king of Israel ... slew the Syrians with a great slaughter. 20.20-21
And now we all know for sure that God is the Lord.
(Who else would be so proud of killing so many people?)
I guessed 10,000 for this one since it was a “great slaughter.”
1 Kings 20.29
Number Killed: 100,000
Syrians
Don’t call God a God of the hills. He really doesn’t like it.
The Syrians called him that.
The servants of the king of Syria said unto him, Their gods are gods of the hills; therefore they were stronger than we; but let us fight against them in the plain, and surely we shall be stronger than they. 1 Kings 20.23
Then an anonymous “man of God” told the king of Israel (Ahab) that God would slaughter the Syrians for calling him a hill god and, by so doing, show Ahab that he is the Lord.
There came a man of God, and spake unto the king of Israel, and said, Thus saith the LORD, Because the Syrians have said, The LORD is God of the hills, but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into thine hand, and ye shall know that I am the LORD. 20.28
So God delivered the Syrians into Ahab’s hand and the Israelites killed 100,000 in one day.
And the children of Israel slew of the Syrians an hundred thousand footmen in one day. 20.29
(That’s about twice as many as were killed in the three-day Battle of Gettysburg. But then, God wasn’t involved in that one. He couldn’t decide which side he was on.)
1 Kings 20.30
Number Killed: 27,000
Syrians
In his last killing, God killed the 100,000 Syrians for calling him a hill god (
95
). But some of the name-calling Syrians escaped. God took care of them by having a wall fall on them, killing 27,000.
But the rest fled to Aphek, into the city; and there a wall fell upon twenty and seven thousand of the men that were left. 1 Kings 20.30a
It was a really big wall.
Note: Benhadad (the king of Syria) somehow managed to escape the falling wall.
And Benhadad fled, and came into the city, into an inner chamber. 1 Kings 20.30b
He asked Ahab to let him live, offering to restore the cities that Syria had previously taken from Israel.
Thy servant Benhadad saith, I pray thee, let me live … And Ben-hadad said unto him, The cities, which my father took from thy father, I will restore; and thou shalt make streets for thee in Damascus, as my father made in Samaria. 20.32-34a
So Ahab made a treaty with Benhadad and let him live.
Then said Ahab, I will send thee away with this covenant. So he made a covenant with him, and sent him away. 1 Kings 20.34 b
God would later kill him (
98
) and his family (
105
,
106
,
107
,
108
, and
110
) for this act of mercy.