Drunk With Blood (25 page)

2 Kings 3.24-25

Estimated Number Killed: 5,000

Moabites

This is a boring one. But since the Bible gives God the credit for this killing, so will I.

Here’s the story.

Elisha tells the Israelites that God will deliver the Moabites into their hand.

The LORD ... will deliver the Moabites ... into your hand. 2 Kings 3.18

And when he does, God wants the Israelites to chop down the trees, ruin the wells, and destroy the land.

Ye shall smite every fenced city, and every choice city, and shall fell every good tree, and stop all wells of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones. 3.19

So the Israelites kill the Moabites, their trees and crops, and ruin their cities and wells.

The Israelites rose up and smote the Moabites, so that they fled before them: but they went forward smiting the Moabites ... And they beat down the cities, and on every good piece of land cast every man his stone, and filled it; and they stopped all the wells of water, and felled all the good trees. 3.24-25

Finally, the Moabite king sacrificed his son as a burnt offering in a desperate attempt to stop the massacre. And it seemed to work, too, since the Israelites stopped killing after that.

Then he took his eldest son that should have reigned in his stead, and offered him for a burnt offering upon the wall. And there was great indignation against Israel: and they departed from him, and returned to their own land. 3.27

Since God helped the Israelites smite several Moabite cities, I’ll guess 1000 Moabites were killed in five cities, for a total of 5000.

2 Kings 7.17-20

Number Killed: 1

A skeptical officer

There was a famine in Samaria that was so severe that a donkey’s head and a cup of bird dung sold for 80 and 5 shekels of silver, respectively. (About 500 and 32 current U.S. dollars)

There was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass’s head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove’s dung for five pieces of silver. 2 Kings 6.25

Women were busy negotiating a schedule for eating each other’s sons.

This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son tomorrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him. 6.28-29

But Elisha and God said things were about to change. Tomorrow, 7.5 liters of flour and 15 liters of barley will sell for 1 shekel of silver. (About 6 current U.S. dollars)

Then Elisha said, Hear ye the word of the LORD; Thus saith the LORD, To morrow about this time shall a measure of fine flour be sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of Samaria. 7.1

An officer overheard Elisha’s forecast for the commodities market, and he didn’t believe it. He said that even if God made it rain, prices wouldn’t fall so much in a single day.

Then a lord on whose hand the king leaned answered the man of God, and said, Behold, if the LORD would make windows in heaven, might this thing be? 7.2a

Elisha responded that the skeptical officer would see it happen, but wouldn’t be able to take advantage of the low prices. (Because he’d be dead.)

Behold, thou shalt see it with thine eyes, but shalt not eat thereof. 7.2b

Later that day, God made the Syrians hear things. The whole Syrian army heard the noise of non-existent chariots, horses, and soldiers. It was one massive, God-induced, collective, auditory hallucination. It was like the entire army was on a bad acid trip, and it scared the hell out of them.

The LORD had made the host of the Syrians to hear a noise of chariots, and a noise of horses, even the noise of a great host: and they said one to another, Lo, the king of Israel hath hired against us the kings of the Hittites, and the kings of the Egyptians, to come upon us. 7.6

So the Syrian army left Samaria because of the noises that God put in their heads.

Wherefore they arose and fled in the twilight, and left their tents, and their horses, and their asses, even the camp as it was, and fled for their life. 7.7

And the price of commodities fell, just like God and Elisha predicted.

So a measure of fine flour was sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, according to the word of the LORD. 7.16

And what happened to the skeptical officer?

He was trampled to death.

And the king appointed the lord on whose hand he leaned to have the charge of the gate: and the people trode upon him in the gate, and he died, as the man of God had said ... And so it fell out unto him: for the people trode upon him in the gate, and he died. 7:17-20

(I don’t know if God caused this to happen or not. But it seems pretty clear that he approved of it.)

2 Kings 8.1

Estimated Number Killed: 7,000

Israelites

Well, there’s not much to say about this one. It all happens in a single verse.

Then spake Elisha unto the woman, whose son he had restored to life, saying, Arise, and go thou and thine household, and sojourn wheresoever thou canst sojourn: for the LORD hath called for a famine; and it shall also come upon the land seven years. 2 Kings 8.1

God called for a seven year famine. The Bible doesn’t say why God did this. But I guess God can starve people to death if he wants to, for any reason, or for no reason at all.

The Bible doesn’t say how many starved in God’s seven year famine, so I’ll just guess 7000, 1000 per year.

2 Kings 9.24-26

Number Killed: 1

Jehoram of Israel

Remember back in
God’s 98th killing
when God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king? You might have thought that that would be the end of it. But no. God still had Ahab’s family to kill. It was his way of paying it forward.

The story is a bit complicated, but it starts with Elisha, who called one of “the children of the prophets” and told him to “gird his loins,” get some oil, and go anoint Jehu as king of Israel. (You know you’re in for some big-time prophet action when Elisha tells you to grab some oil and gird your loins.)

Elisha the prophet called one of the children of the prophets, and said unto him, Gird up thy loins, and take this box of oil ... And when thou comest thither, look out there Jehu ... and ... take the box of oil, and pour it on his head, and say, Thus saith the LORD, I have anointed thee king over Israel. 2 Kings 9.1-3

So that’s what that son of a prophet did. He girded his loins and made Jehu king.

So the young man, even the young man the prophet … arose, and went into the house; and he poured the oil on his head, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I have anointed thee king over the people of the LORD, even over Israel. 9.4-6

Then he told the new king that God had a job for him.

Thus saith the LORD God ... thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master, that I may avenge the blood of my servants the prophets, and the blood of all the servants of the LORD, at the hand of Jezebel. 9.6-7

Just in case it wasn’t clear, the son of the prophet elaborated a bit. God wanted Jehu to kill everyone in Ahab’s family, especially those that had ever “pissed against a wall.”

For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall. 9.8

He reminded Jehu of the last two families that God had executed: Jeroboam’s (
88
),
89
) and Baasha’s (
90
). He wanted Jehu to go and do likewise to Ahab’s family.

I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam ... and Baasha. 9.9

But there was one person that God wanted more than just dead. Ahab’s wife, Jezebel, was to be not just killed, but fed to the dogs, so that there would be nothing left of her body to bury.

The dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her. 9.10

And that was the end of the message from God.

So Jehu took off in his chariot to get started on God’s killings. When people saw him coming, they’d say, “That must be Jehu because he’s driving like crazy.” (Jehu is the patron saint of reckless drivers.)

And the watchman told, saying, He came even unto them, and cometh not again: and the driving is like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi; for he driveth furiously. 9.20

It wasn’t long before Jehu found God’s first victim: Ahab’s son, Jehoram of Israel—a wall-pisser if there ever was one!

So Jehu did what God told him to do. He shot him right through the heart and threw his dead body in the field of Naboth, “according to the word of the Lord.”

Jehu drew a bow with his full strength, and smote Jehoram between his arms, and the arrow went out at his heart ... Then said Jehu to Bidkar his captain ... cast him into the plat of ground, according to the word of the LORD. 9.24-26

And so died the first wall-pisser in Ahab’s family.

Then Jehu got back in his chariot and drove off furiously to find the rest.

2 Kings 10.7

Number Killed: 70

Ahab’s sons

Jehu was on a mission from God. (Like Anton Chigurh in “No Country for Old Men,” but without the coin tosses.)

First he killed one of Ahab’s sons, Jehoram (
105
). Then he killed Ahab’s wife, Jezebel (
106
). Now it was time to take care of the rest of Ahab’s family.

He started by writing letters to the rulers of Jezreel challenging them fight for Ahab’s sons.

Ahab had seventy sons in Samaria. And Jehu wrote letters, and sent to Samaria, unto the rulers of Jezreel, to the elders, and to them that brought up Ahab’s children, saying … fight for your master’s house. 2 Kings 10.1-3

But they were intimidated by Jehu (they’d probably heard about his previous murders) and said that they would do whatever he wanted.

But they were exceedingly afraid, and said … We are thy servants, and will do all that thou shalt bid us; we will not make any king: do thou that which is good in thine eyes. 10.4-5

So Jehu wrote another letter telling them what he wanted: Bring him the heads of all 70 of Ahab’s sons tomorrow.

Then he wrote a letter the second time to them, saying … take ye the heads of the men your master’s sons, and come to me to Jezreel by to morrow this time. Now the king’s sons, being seventy persons, were with the great men of the city, which brought them up. 10.6

And that’s what they did. They killed Ahab’s 70 sons, put the heads in baskets, and brought them to Jehu.

When the letter came to them, that they took the king’s sons, and slew seventy persons, and put their heads in baskets, and sent him them to Jezreel. 10.7

When Jehu heard that the heads had arrived, he said to put them in two heaps at the city gate and let them stay there overnight.

There came a messenger, and told him, saying, They have brought the heads of the king’s sons. And he said, Lay ye them in two heaps at the entering in of the gate until the morning. 10.8

The next morning Jehu went out and told the people that “the LORD hath done that which he spake by his servant Elijah.”

In the morning, that he went out, and stood, and said … the LORD hath done that which he spake by his servant Elijah. 10.9-10

(Elijah … answered … Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall. 1 Kings 21.20-21)

But there were still others that God wanted Jehu to visit.