Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale (17 page)

I roll over to see Holden sitting at the edge of the bed, looking penitently out the window. I sit up, taking the sheets with me, and rest my head against his bare back, wrapping my hands around his naked waist. He flinches at first at my touch, but then takes in a deep breath, reaching over for my hands, pulling them tighter around him.
I love him.

“Sorry I fell asleep.” I kiss his muscular back. “Are you okay, Holden? You look upset.” My heart is racing at the thought that he regrets what happened between us tonight. Things went further than I ever wanted when I first got here. Well, that’s not true; I think deep down I’ve wanted this since I laid eyes on him again, but I never thought that it would have been possible after Holden found out everything. My only fear right now is getting too close, too fast with him again. I have to be careful with Holden this time. I can’t let him hurt me again.

Everything seems so perfect right now, but I can feel my heart instinctively retreat the more time we spend together this way. There is a battle going on inside me that I can’t control. Controlling things has been what has kept me sane through all of the shit in my life. There is a spiraling ball of lust, love, need, desire, comfort, peace, and fear when he is near me like this. I ache for him again, and that ache is starting to make me close myself off.

I go against what my body is begging for me to do and pull away from Holden’s embrace.
Slow—I need to take things slow
. But with each perfectly placed touch, and each desire-filled kiss, I fall deeper and deeper into love with him. I feel things for him that I never have with Marcus, or anyone for that matter, and at times it feels like I can’t control how much I love him. I
need
to have that control. It is all too much too fast.

So many emotions have been stirred up with seeing Jake again, and now with the threatening letter, it may all become too much for Holden, too. He can walk away at any time, no strings attached. He’s lived his entire adult life as a jet-setting bachelor, with girls falling at his feet everywhere he goes. I’m nothing but a divorced mother of two who’s fallen for her childhood sweetheart.
None of that matters. He’s my soul mate, my best friend.

Holden looks up at me and sweeps my hair behind my ear, making me wonder what the hell I must look like right now. I begin gathering my hair and tie it back in a bun, knowing the horrendous bed head I get in the morning. Holden swats my hands away from my hair and shakes it out with his fingers; it is a very intimate yet innocent gesture that touches my heart. He has always liked my hair down best. “I’m sorry, Camryn. We…I mean, I shouldn’t have taken things that far tonight. Especially after what you told me.”

He looks back out the window as if too ashamed to look me in the eyes. It’s times like these that make me realize I don’t need to be so afraid. Maybe he does realize who I really am. He only wants me to be happy, feel safe. He has spent the past year trying to prove to me he isn’t going anywhere. I can’t keep pushing love away. The one thing tonight has shown me is that we both need each other. “Tonight was perfect, Holden. Being with you is perfect.”

He gazes back at me with hope in his eyes. “I really hope you feel that way, Cam. I would never make you do anything you don’t want to. Things will be different this time. I want to deserve you and the girls.”

Okay, my heart just melts at the mention of my girls. I don’t want to get ahead of myself with Holden, though. We may have a lot of history together, but this is still only our first date.
I’m such a slut.

The thought actually makes me smile rather than cringe with guilt as it would have before being with him. “I do feel that way, Holden. I want to be with you. Things just got messed up again when my mom died. I got messed up again, so we need to take things slow, and this…what we did tonight…is pretty fast.”

We both have shit-eating grins on our faces and it makes me laugh. He looks like he’s a freaking kid the way he is giggling like a schoolboy. This assertive, strong, alpha type is reduced to a teenager at the inference of sex. I slap his chest and try to continue this serious conversation. It’s important he takes me seriously about my boundaries this time. He has a lot still to prove, and I need to know that we will work before getting too involved again.

“I have to take things slow for the girls, too. They know you as Uncle Holden, not Mommy’s boyfriend. We will need to ease them into the idea of us together in that way. I don’t want them to ever think that you had anything to do with the breakup of my marriage. Besides, you have all these cases ahead of you and now I’m getting threatening letters. Things are kind of a mess right now and I don’t want us to be another mess to clean up.”

Reality is now assaulting my postcoital bliss. “My number-one priority has to be keeping Ellie and Sophie safe, and yours needs to be going after all the companies taking advantage of Hurricane Sandy victims.” Holden has been making quite a name for himself taking on big companies who have been making rebuilding, especially in Mantoloking, nearly impossible. It makes me proud of him. It makes him a hero in our town, too.

He takes my face in his hands. “I can go slow, but I can’t go backwards with you anymore, Cam. When we’re in the city, we can go slowly.” He kisses me deeply and then pulls back, brushing his lips against mine and speaking softly. “But on weekends, when the girls are gone…” He kisses me so deeply, I feel it in my soul. “We are
not
moving slow. I want you in my bed all weekend. When you’re with me, I want you only thinking about all the dirty things I want to do to you…to pleasure you,” he whispers, pulling me greedily up onto his lap. He smiles smugly at me. “You don’t have to worry about the girls.” He kisses my neck, taking a playful bite and causing my thighs to clench around him. He gives me another cocky smile. “They’ve been begging me to ask you out for months now.”

His hooded eyes meet mine with desire and I succumb to mine. I run my hands through his hair, my eyes locked on his as if in a trance. He clenches his jaw as his gaze falls to my breasts that are peeking out from the top of the sheet I have still clenched in my fists. He licks his lips like he is getting ready to attack his prey and I am instantly a wet ball of fire. I can’t break my gaze from Holden, mesmerized by how absolutely devastatingly sexy he is. Holden just oozes sex appeal when clothed, but like this, he is damn near irresistible. He is not only the best-looking man I have ever seen, but his looks are nothing compared to the man I know he is inside. His love could quite possibly be the one thing that could help heal the hole I’ve had in my heart for so long, and that terrifies me. “I just want you to be sure, Holden. I need you to be sure that this is what you want—me, the girls, all my baggage?”

He cuts me off and leans forward so that our foreheads are softly touching. “You’re
all
I’ve ever wanted, Camryn. You’re all that I’ll ever want for the rest of my life. I feel like I am drowning when we’re not together, always grasping for you when you’re not close. I lost you before and I’m never going to let that happen again.”

I smile and he smiles back and begins kissing my cheeks playfully. I slap at his firm, naked chest, trying not to notice how fabulously muscular he is. “I really should get back. It’s going to be morning soon.”

As much as I would love nothing more than to stay here until morning getting reacquainted with every inch of Holden, I really need to get back home before my dad wakes up, especially after his presumptive statement before I left his house. I don’t want him knowing I have already slept with Holden on our first official date. I am still his little girl, and don’t necessarily want to do the walk of shame in front of him.

Holden pulls me closer up onto his lap, with the only thing separating our naked bodies now being a small corner of the sheet. I can feel his desire pressing between my legs, making all reason seep out with each breath I take. “Do you really think your dad is waiting up for you, Cam? You’re an adult—he’s not going to ground you,” he husks, softly placing kisses down my neck and across my collarbone. He looks up at me with seductive eyes and lifts my body up, pulling at the sheet that was our only barrier like a magician revealing his trick. “I’m not done with you yet,” he growls.

Holden is on top of me before I can answer, his hands quickly finding the warmth between my legs that are calling to him. My breath hitches and I pull at his hair in ecstasy.

“Holden,” I pant out when he slips another finger into my folds, making me almost lose myself right then. “Let…me…at least go get a change of clothes from the house.”
His mouth comes crashing down onto mine, filled with passion and desire.

“I’ve waited too long for this.” His lips are now moving down my neck and he takes my sensitive breast in his hand to meet his mouth. I can’t help but let out a wanton groan at the way he softly, yet possessively caresses my body. I’ve waited too long for this, too…it’s been a lifetime since I’ve felt this open with someone. I want nothing more than for Holden to devour every piece of me.

“Maybe I can go back in a minute.” I smile, unable to resist his seduction as he twists my nipples in his fingers while making his way back up to my mouth. Noises of pleasure are escaping me with his every touch.

Just as I feel my pleasure bubbling to the surface, he sits up and looks down at me as if he is seeing something for the first time. “You destroy me, Camryn. I can’t fucking wait another second to be inside you.”

He grabs a condom off the dresser and puts it on before I can even process what was happening. While our first time together was soft and slow, this time is filled with passionate desire. It is as if Holden is staking his claim on every inch of me from the inside out. His professions of love are securing my heart, while his possessive declaration for every inch of my body is securing my soul to his. Holden thrusts one last time hard inside me, shooting me straight to the edge of climax. Each kiss, each movement, sends me over the edge of pleasure. Holden’s skilled tongue mixes with mine while he gropes at my body like he will wake up and it will be gone. His every move seems to be trying to show me how much he
wants
me this time, where last time he seemed to want to show me how much he loves me.

“I want to make you come again so hard, Camryn,” he growls through his pleasure.

His words send me over the edge again. Just knowing this is for us, not just him, makes me fall apart. He is thrusting so deep into my core, I feel like I could explode. “Oh God, Holden, I’m there. Now Holden, now,” I say between breaths.

“I love you so fucking much,” he pants as he meets me at our peak. We crash down together, breathless and completely satiated. Holden pulls me over to the side with him so that we are spooning, looking out onto the moonlit, calm lagoon.

Holden kisses the back of my head. “Does it scare you when I tell you I love you, Camryn?”

It kind of does.
“I don’t know.” I grab his hands in mine. “I feel like I’ve loved you since we were kids, Holden. But so much time has passed between us, that I don’t know if my feelings are about that time we had together or about how I’m feeling now. After you left me, I’ve never loved anyone that way again.” I am not sure what I’m saying but don’t want to hold anything back. “I know one thing, though, Holden. I know that the person who I have come to know again is someone I could love more than anyone in the world.” I kiss his hands, hoping he’ll understand. “But I’m scared to fall in love with you again. I’m scared I
am
falling in love with you again. I’ve spent half of my life trying
not
to love you; I’m just not sure how to go back.”

He is silent and I am scared to breathe. I don’t want to hurt Holden, but I owe it to him to be honest.

Holden starts playing with my hair, twirling it around his finger. This makes me smile because it is something he always did when we were younger. I always thought it was a really sweet gesture. “What do you mean by that, Cam?”

“By what?” I ask, not following him.

“When you said you’ve been trying
not
to love me,” he whispers as if the words are painful to say.

Crap, not again.
“Nothing. Let’s talk about this another time, Holden. I really do have to get back home now.”

He holds me tightly, not letting me get out of bed. “Not so fast there.” He flips on top of me and has my hands pinned above my head. It is both incredibly sexy and extremely arousing. “Answer my question, then I’ll walk you home.” He is smiling devilishly. There is no getting out of this.

I blush, looking away, not sure if I can open up to him this way. Holden notices my hesitation and slides back down to my side, releasing my hands and brushes his knuckles across my cheek. “Tell me,” he demands sweetly.

His tortured green eyes meet mine, telling me how much he needs to hear me say the words. I take a deep breath. “Holden, I loved you in a way that was all-consuming. I loved you long before we ever got together. I’ve loved you from the first second we met on the dock in the second grade.” I can’t help but lean up and kiss his lips that are far too sad-looking right now. “Jake took a part of me that left me feeling empty and numb. And for a while, you filled that emptiness. The only time I didn’t want to disappear was when I was with you. But I also couldn’t give you what you needed to be happy, so you left. I guess a part of me is still afraid I can’t give you what you need.” It feels freeing to be so honest with him right now; I have to say this no matter how much it hurts him because it is the truth. “Holden, I thought of you when Marcus proposed, on my wedding day, when my kids were born. I hated that I thought of you because I hated that I wanted you there with me. But you weren’t, and us not being together was always
your
choice. So yes, I tried every day not to love you because you and I were never supposed to happen again.” I run my hand along his face. “But none of that changes the fact that I do love you. I love you with every part of me.”