Dying to Be Me (24 page)
Authors: Anita Moorjani
I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: I now live my life from joy instead of from fear. This is the one very simple difference between who I was before my NDE and who I am today.
Before, without even realizing it, everything I did was to avoid pain or to please other people. I was caught up in doing, pursuing, searching, and achieving; and I was the last person I ever took into consideration. My life was driven by fear—of displeasing others, of failing, of being selfish, and of not being good enough. In my own head, I always fell short.
Since my NDE, I don’t feel that I came back to
accomplish
anything. I only came back to
be.
Because of this, everything I do comes from love. I don’t worry anymore about trying to get things right or complying with rules or doctrines. I just follow my heart and know that I can’t go wrong when I do so. Ironically, I end up pleasing more people than my old self ever did, just because I’m so much happier and more liberated!
This has a big impact on my health as well. Since I now see myself as an infinite being, the physical takes care of itself because it’s only a reflection of what’s going on within my soul. Unconditional self-love increases my energy tremendously, and the universe acts in kind.
The external world mirrors what we feel about ourselves. By letting go of any negative self-judgment, we allow our world to transform; and as it does so, we’ll be able to feel greater and greater trust. The more we’re able to trust, the more we’re able to let go of trying to control the outcome. When we try to move with this flow rather than adhere dogmatically to the doctrines of others or the beliefs we once had that no longer serve us, we more accurately reflect who and what we truly are.
A
S
I’
VE DESCRIBED, UNTIL MY
NDE, I’d always been searching outward for guidance, whether it was seeking approval from my peers or bosses or simply looking to others for answers. I followed the opinions, advice, teachings, and laws that were laid down by other people, whether they felt good for me or not. Often, I adhered to the rituals and teachings out of fear, just in case they were right and had information that I didn’t.
During my NDE, I discovered that in listening to all these external voices, I’d lost myself. Doing things “just in case” means doing them out of fear. So these days, I don’t follow any established methodology, order, ritual, dogma, or doctrine. In fact, one of my biggest rules is that there should never be any hard and fast rules! I just pay attention to whatever
feels
right at the time. For me, life is a spiritual experience, and I’m changing and evolving all the time.
If we’re energetic beings inseparable from the Universal life force, we don’t need any outside system to make decisions for us or tell us how our energy can be raised or lowered. We’re all unique, so no one can really make blanket rules about what’s right for us. However, this is what many organized spiritual systems and religions seem to do. Once a structure is established, everyone is expected to follow the same tenets. Those who choose not to are judged negatively, and that’s how and why organized religions create divisiveness and strife instead of the unity that they’re trying to establish with those very rules. Following a religious path doesn’t necessarily exempt us from living a life of fear or even victimizing others. Following a
personal
spiritual path, however, means to follow the promptings of our own inner being and taps into the infinite self we all are at our core.
It’s clear how fallible organized systems are once we cross cultures. Indian and Chinese spiritual and healing systems completely contradict each other. Hindus believe eating animal flesh is a sin, while the Chinese believe it’s unhealthy
not
to eat meat. Similarly, Indians have a system called
vastu
that has the same purpose as
feng shui
but is in direct conflict with the Chinese rules. I used to get so lost with each authority endorsing something that conflicts with all the others. Not knowing which one to use can actually create a lot of fear—or at least anxiety about getting it wrong.
So in the end, my NDE brought me back to myself. I believe this is the most powerful idea for each of us: realizing that we’re here to discover and honor
our own individual path.
It doesn’t matter whether we renounce the material world and meditate on a mountaintop for 20 years or create a billion-dollar multinational company that employs thousands of people, giving them each a livelihood. We can attend a temple or church, sit on the beach, drink a margarita, take in a glorious sunset with a loved one, or walk through the park enjoying an ice cream. Ultimately, whichever path we choose is the right one for us, and none of these options are any more or less spiritual than the others.
I’m not saying that I’m against organized religion, but I
am
skeptical of any message when it leads to all the divisiveness, strife, and killing that go on in this world in the name of religion, when in truth, we’re all One—all facets of the same Whole. Human beings are so varied that some fare better with organized religion or spiritual paths, whereas others don’t. If we simply live in a way that nurtures us and allows us to express our creativity, letting us see our own magnificence, that’s the best we can possibly do. To advocate any option or doctrine as being the one true way would only serve to limit who we are and what we’ve come here to be.
W
E DON’T HAVE TO ACTUALLY “WORK” AT
doing anything—like following specific rituals or dogma—to stay in touch with our magnificence. We can if we want to, if it brings us pleasure to do so, but it’s not a requirement. Simply by following our internal guidance, we find what’s right for us, including the methodology we use to look for it. We know we’re on the right track when we feel ourselves at the center of our love without judgment of ourselves or others, and we recognize our true magnificence within the infinite Whole.
For example, prayer can bring great comfort to some people in times of need, and also for self-discovery. It may have a positive effect on well-being because of the process of letting go and handing over all burdens. As a result, people who pray may feel lighter and more uplifted, which contributes not only to their own well-being, but also to others since we’re all connected. Any positivity you bring to yourself, you’re bringing to the Whole.
However, I don’t believe that those who pray are any more or less connected than those who don’t. We all have our own way of recognizing that infinite space within us, and for some it may be prayer. For others, it can be music, art, being in nature, or even pursuing knowledge and technology—whatever brings out our passion, creativity and purpose for living. In other words, it’s not prayer in and of itself that makes some of us more aware of our magnificence than others. Rather, it’s choosing to conduct our lives by connecting with our own internal passion, bringing out a Zen-like quality and giving our lives meaning and a feeling of unity.
I personally don’t feel the need to pray to an external god who’s separate from me, because I know that I’m always One with the Universe, 100 percent of the time. Thus, I feel that my life is a prayer in itself. I do find meditation very helpful because it quiets my mind and helps me bring focus to that central point of awareness where I feel my connection with everything contained within the Whole. Meditation might not create this uplifting feeling for others, and that’s fine. It’s important to do what resonates on a personal level.
If you feel you can follow a system effortlessly, or if it’s fun, that’s great! But the minute it starts to be hard work or feel like a means of controlling your emotions or thoughts, it probably won’t work very well for you. The state of
pure allowing
seems like the place where most positive change can occur. Let yourself be you, no matter who you are, embracing anything that makes you feel alive.
A
LTHOUGH
I
STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT
the best thing I can do for myself
and
others is to consciously keep myself uplifted and do what makes me feel happy, you may be surprised to learn that I don’t advocate “positive thinking” as a blanket prescription. It’s true that since all of life is connected, keeping myself in high spirits has a larger impact, as it is also what I’m putting out to the Whole.
However, if and when I notice negative thoughts creeping in, it seems best to allow them to pass through with acceptance and without judgment. When I try to suppress or force myself to change my feelings, the more I push them away, the more they push back. I just allow it all to flow through me, without judgment, and I find that the thoughts and emotions will pass. As a result, the right path for me unfolds in a totally natural way, letting me be who I truly am.
Sweeping statements such as “Negative thoughts attracts negativity in life” aren’t necessarily true, and can make people who are going through a challenging time feel even worse. It can also create fear that they’re going to attract even more negativity with their thoughts. Using this idea indiscriminately often makes people going through seemingly tough times feel as though
they’re
bad for attracting such events, and that’s just not true. If we start to believe that it’s our negative thoughts that are creating any unpleasant situations, we can become paranoid about what we’re thinking. On the contrary, it actually has less to do with our thoughts than with our emotions, especially what we feel about
ourselves.
It’s also not the case that attracting positive things is simply about keeping upbeat. I can’t say this strongly enough, but
our feelings about ourselves
are actually the most important barometer for determining the condition of our lives! In other words, being true to ourselves is more important than just trying to stay positive!
I allow myself to feel negatively about things that upset me because it’s much better to experience real emotions than to bottle them up. Once again, it’s about
allowing
what I’m actually feeling, rather than fighting against it. The very act of permitting without judgment is an act of self-love. This act of kindness toward myself goes much further in creating a joyful life than falsely pretending to feel optimistic.
Sometimes when we see someone who’s really upbeat, effervescent, and kind, but whose life is crumbling, we may think,
See? This “being positive” thing doesn’t work.
But here’s the issue: we don’t know that individual’s inner dialogue. We don’t know what other people are telling themselves day in and day out, or whether they’re emotionally happy. And most important, we don’t know whether they love and value themselves!
Because of what I realized in my NDE, I feel it’s so important not to have judgment and fear toward myself. When my inner dialogue is telling me that I’m safe, unconditionally loved, and accepted, I then radiate this energy outward and change my external world accordingly. My outer life is actually only a reflection of my inner state.
It’s not important whether I’m having a bad day or a bad week. It’s more important how I’m
feeling about myself
while I’m facing this day or week. It’s about trusting the process even as I face a difficult time and not being afraid to feel anxiety, sadness, or fear, rather than suppressing everything until those emotions pass. It’s about allowing myself to be true to who I am. Because of this, the feelings will dissipate and occur less and less frequently.
Before my NDE, I used to suppress my upsetting emotions a lot, because I used to believe that they would attract negativity in my life. In addition, I didn’t want to concern others, so I tried to control my thoughts and force myself to be positive. But I now understand that the key is to always honor who you truly are and allow yourself to be in your own truth.
Every segment of time is totally unique, and as each moment has passed, it can’t be replicated in this physical plane. I’ve learned to be comfortable with that and to live in the moment. As much as possible, I try not to carry any emotional baggage from one instant to the next. Instead I try to see each moment as a clean slate, bringing with it new possibilities. So I do what uplifts me or brings me the most pleasure and joy at that time—and while that might mean meditating, it could just as well mean that I go shopping or eat chocolates, if that’s what I feel like.
Living more in harmony with who we truly are isn’t just forcing ourselves to repeat positive thoughts. It really means being and doing things that make us happy, things that arouse our passion and bring out the best in us, things that make us feel good—and it also means loving ourselves unconditionally. When we’re flowing in this way and feeling upbeat and energized about life, we’re in touch with our magnificence. When we can find that within us, things really start to get exciting, and we find synchronicities happening all around us.
S
YNCHRONICITY AND THE IDEA OF ATTRACTION
have been given a lot of attention in recent years. The thought of things falling into place effortlessly because we’re attracting them is alluring, but I prefer to think in terms of
allowing
, rather than
attracting
.
As I’ve said, we’re one with the universe, our purpose is to be our magnificent selves, and the external world is only a reflection of what’s inside us. The breakdown in my life came from my focus outward, the comparisons I made, and the competition this creates. I used to have the feeling that there wasn’t enough for everyone, which causes greed and competitiveness. I needed to convince others to believe and think the way I did, instead of embracing our uniqueness and differences.