e Squared (36 page)

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.09

Subject: Godley

 

The XL boys have finished their “chat.” We have a signed confession. The police have been called and he is clearing his desk as I write.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.12

Subject: Re: Godley

 

Excellent! To whom should I talk about sorting out a brown envelope for yourself, and for Zlatan Kovaćević who recommended the admirable fellows at XL?

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.15

Subject: Re: Godley

 

That would be Neil Godley.

 

From:
Neil Godley

To: Caroline Zitter

Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.23

Subject: Sorry

 

Dear Caroline

 

I am sorry for bothering you with my earlier e-mail. It was an underhand attempt to cover up the fact that I have been systematically robbing the company since I joined eleven months ago. I have confessed in full for my crimes and I will now throw myself on the mercy of the criminal justice system. I assure you that I made the confession entirely freely. No coercion, intimidation, threats of violence or actual violence was used.

 

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for betraying the trust you and the other partners placed in me.

 

Yours in abject shame,

From:
David Crutton

To: All Staff

Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.38

Subject: We've nailed the bastard!

 

Champagne in reception at five to celebrate the capture of the thief. And let this entire unsavory experience serve as a warning to anyone else that thinks he/she can get away with stealing company property. If so much as a staple is used on non-company business, I will hunt you down and squash you like the despicable, secretion-oozing worm you are.

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.41

Subject: DC

 

Has he gone completely mad???

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.43

Subject: Re: DC

 

Yes. And I'm really scared. He's firing off crazy e-mails and doing this weird cackle. It's like working for Vincent Price.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.46

Subject: Model-making

 

Any creatives free to knock up a quick effigy of Godley for the knees-up at five? I firmly believe that having a life-size mannequin to kick around will make for some healthy and fun staff bonding.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.49

Subject: Just a thought

 

Is there any way that using office power sockets to recharge personal mobile phones can be classified as theft? If so, a single swift clampdown would reel in at least a dozen kleptomaniacs and act as a deterrent to other miscreants.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 23 January 2009, 15.02

Subject: Is this worse than the thing with the thing?

 

Here's a hypothetical situation: imagine there's a bloke who's been nicking stuff from the office where he works—stationery, bottles of booze, the odd copier. And say there's an investigation and the wrong guy goes down for it. Should the hypothetical perp come clean or should he breathe a huge sigh of relief and learn to live with his guilt as best he can?

 

Your wise and esteemed counsel on this tricky (but totally academic) moral conundrum would be appreciated.

 

PS: Checked out the Horne blog. Gobsmacked. Did a Google and the fucker's gone viral—officially bigger than Swine Flu. There are already a dozen fan sites. Just goes to show that any fucker with a PC and too much time on his hands can become a celebrity. The way the net works these days, he'll probably get a movie deal out of it. The guy always was a jammy bastard. And he hasn't lost his love of silk ‘n' sodomy, has he?

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 23 January 2009, 15.13

Subject: Separated at birth???!!!!

 

That was the
^*
best
^*
lunchtime ever!!! Don't we agree on absolutely everything, fashion-wise? Amazing! As soon as you put the black string vest over the cerise T and matched it with the cream jodhpurs I just knew you'd nailed it and you knew it too in that same instant. It was like ESP and I got total goose bumps!!!! You are so going to have an amazing audition!!!

From:
Milton Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 23 January 2009, 15.17

Subject: Re: Separated at birth???!!!!

 

I know!! I'm totally going to *own*
BB
next week. We're so on the same wavelength, aren't we? We should go into styling together. Hey, just had a brill idea! After
BB
when I'm a celeb and I have an agent and can get my own series on E4, we should get ourselves a makeover show like Trinny and Susannah, only we wouldn't let any fat toothless chavs on!!

PS: Did you think the riding boots really worked? Didn't the buckle make me seem a bit gay?

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 23 January 2009, 15.19

Subject: Re: Separated at birth???!!!!

 

Totally *not* gay, sweetz! With your new nose you could wear a frock and look absolutely macho! But please don't start wearing frocks! Utter gross-out!!!!!!!

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 23 January 2009, 15.38

Subject: Re: Is this worse than the thing with the thing?

 

Tough one. Here's my two penn'orth: your entirely hypothetical perp in your entirely hypothetical scenario should obviously do the Right Thing. Having said that, the Right Thing doesn't necessarily have to be the Obvious Thing—i.e. tipping up at the cop shop with a pre-prepared confession. If hypothetical he/she is at all creative (which, as a product of your turgid imagination, is surely the case), there must be a more lateral way of airlifting the hypothetical innocent party out of the theoretical cack. Over to you, then ...

Horne Watch update: found five forums devoted to unmasking him. Four want to put him up for a Pulitzer. The other one wants to lynch him for crimes against the French language. Should I end the suspense and blow his cover?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 23 January 2009, 15.59

Subject: Re: Is this worse than the thing with the thing?

 

Thanks for the counsel, Confucius. Had an idea. Should have the hypothetical innocent party out of hypothetical jail by the end of the hypothetical weekend. Also waiting for word that a major chunk of personal debt has been written off. Or word that I'm about to become caught up in a renewal of the Cypriot hostilities. Presuming the former, it's been a not-bad day.

 

Horne Watch: blow the bastard's cover. Why should he get away with hiding his twattishness behind the cloak of anonymity? None of the rest of us does.

 

Thanks again for the advice. I owe you a drink.

 

Oh, and several hundred quid.

 

Gotta dash. Have to impress MMT. Later, pal.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.07

Subject: Montana Vita+

Att:
Montana_5.pdf

 

Trying to get a handle on this health brief. Is this the kind of thing you mean?