Earthling Ambassador (2 page)

Nicola looked back at Tyler and saw that he'd slumped even farther in his seat and was tipping his head back and squeezing his neck with both hands.What was he
doing
? Was he making fun of her? Nicola shot him an “I'll get you later” look, but then she saw his eyes rolling about wildly.Was he trying to tell her something? He shut his eyes and stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth as if he were playing dead.

Dead.

Of course! Part of her brain must have been listening after all.The answer was the
DEAD SEA
!

Apparently the Dead Sea had the saltiest water in the world. It was so salty, floating was incredibly easy. People bobbed happily about like corks and you could lie on top of the water as easily as lying on a boogie board. Nicola remembered thinking that this was one of the more interesting things Mrs. Zucchini had ever said and that she'd quite like to try swimming in the Dead Sea.

Nicola grinned to let Tyler know she got the message and went to take the chalk from Mrs. Zucchini's outstretched hand.Then she saw Mrs. Zucchini's face had turned a deep, triumphant purple.

“TYLER BROWN! DID YOU JUST GIVE NICOLA BERRY THE ANSWER? HAVE I JUST CAUGHT THE TWO OF YOU . . . CHEATING?”

Nicola saw Tyler blink rapidly, and Katie press her fingers to her mouth. Her own knees started to shake.

And that's when it happened.

There was a loud, urgent tapping on the classroom door.

Everybody turned to look and suddenly the air in the classroom felt different, like that magical moment just after the lights on a Christmas tree have been turned on.

Something fantastic and unexpected and unusual was about to happen. Nicola was sure of it.

There was a man tapping on the door, but he wasn't someone boring like hairy-eared Mr. Nix, the school principal, come to give them a long lecture about “responsibility” and “community spirit” and picking up orange peels on the playground.

No, this man looked quite . . . interesting.

It wasn't his clothes that were interesting. He was just wearing an ordinary suit and tie. His face wasn't especially unusual, either. He just had an ordinary face—like someone's dad. (Although he did have one of those extra large, bristly mustaches that can sometimes bring on a horrendous attack of the giggles if you look at it for too long.)

The thing that was so interesting about this man was that he was incredibly, incredibly
tall.
He was so tall that he had to bend almost in half to put his head through the door.

“Sit back down, Nicola!” hissed Mrs. Zucchini as if Nicola shouldn't have been out of her place. Nicola practically danced back to her seat. She noticed Tyler sitting up very straight and alert, while Katie's eyes were round with surprise.

“Can I help you?” snapped Mrs. Zucchini.

“Oh, I doubt that very much.” The man's voice was as smooth as a warm caramel sundae.

“Well, but I haven't been notified about any visitors today! Who are you? What do you want?”

“My name is Georgio Gorgioskio, and I've traveled from the other side of the galaxy on a very important, top secret mission that doesn't concern you. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to have to kneel down.The ceilings on your planet are disgracefully low, aren't they?”

With that, Georgio knelt down and somehow managed to shuffle quite gracefully into the classroom on his knees. The top hairs of his head lightly grazed the lightbulb.

He inclined his head politely at the class.

“I'm afraid, ah, Madam, I must respectfully ask you to leave,” said Georgio to Mrs. Zucchini. “My business only concerns your students. Please remove yourself.”

There was a gentle ripple of pleased
huh!
and confused
huh?
sounds around the classroom.

Mrs. Zucchini's face reminded Nicola of a pot about to boil over. “I don't know who you are, or where you have come from,” she spluttered.Tiny balls of spit flew from her mouth in all directions. “But I will certainly
not
be leaving this classroom! This is my classroom! You have no right to order me around, you, you—
beanpole
!”

Up until then, Georgio had been listening with a courteous, mildly interested expression, but at the word
beanpole
, his face changed.

“DON'T YOU EVER, EVER CALL ME A BEANPOLE,YOU DREADFUL ZUCCHINI-FACED WOMAN!” He extended one long arm, grabbed Mrs. Zucchini by the throat, and thrust her from the classroom like a rag doll.

The class erupted.

The bad boys in the back thumped their fists on their desks and gave each other high fives, yelling, “GO GEORGIO!” Even the really good students in the front clapped and cheered politely.

“Thank you! Why, thank you!” Georgio looked quite touched and gave a little bow.

“Now, if I could ask for your attention.”

Instantly the class was quiet. It was the sort of quiet that Mrs. Zucchini only experienced in her dreams.

Georgio paused for a moment and then he lifted his chin. His bright blue eyes blazed and he held his hands out wide. “I am here to find the Earthling Ambassador.”

Everyone stared at him.They had no idea what he was talking about, but it certainly sounded intriguing.

Georgio looked annoyed. “DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? I'M HERE TO FIND THE EARTHLING AMBASSADOR!” he thundered.

There was silence. Nobody knew what to say.

Georgio dropped his arms. “I see you don't keep up with current affairs.Well, I'll be brief. I'm currently testing all school-age children throughout the world to see if I can find the one qualified to take on the role of Earthling Ambassador. If I find the Ambassador, he or she will then join me on a top secret intergalactic mission.”

Greta Gretch's hand shot straight in the air and she waved it about madly.

Georgio looked startled, as if he'd never seen such a thing before. “Are you all right?” he asked worriedly. “Do you suffer from some sort of medical condition? I'm afraid I'm not very good with that sort of thing.”

“I just wanted to ask a question,” said Greta. “What qualifications do you need for the position of Earthling Ambassador? It's just that I'm class captain, so I have excellent leadership abilities.”

“I was just
getting
to that, you strange girl!” said Georgio. “I am the president of a rather exclusive committee comprised of some of the most highly intelligent, astute thinkers you're ever likely to meet.Together we have come up with a very complex, very clever testing process to help pinpoint exactly the right person to undertake this mission. I won't explain more because trying to understand would make your little brains explode, which would be messy. All you need to know is that we believe there is only
one
child on this
entire planet
with the necessary qualities to successfully complete the mission. So far, I have tested over two billion, three hundred forty-two thousand children without success! That means I have—” He did some quick calculations on his fingers, muttering to himself. “—over four trillion, five hundred twenty-three children to go!”

For a moment he seemed depressed at the thought of all those children still to be tested, but then he brightened. “Who knows!” he cried. “The Earthling Ambassador might be in this very classroom sitting right in front of me! The Earthling Ambassador could, for example, be YOU!” He pointed at Lizbeth-Ann Roberts, who was extremely pretty and in love with herself.

Everybody stared jealously at Lizbeth-Ann as she flicked her ponytail and batted her eyelashes. Georgio narrowed his eyes and gave Lizbeth-Ann another look. He frowned in distaste. “Although I rather doubt it,” he said, and Lizbeth-Ann pouted.

“ENOUGH DILLYDALLYING!” shouted Georgio. “Let the testing begin! Everybody to your feet! In just a few minutes we will know if the Earthling Ambassador is in THIS CLASSROOM!”

Everybody stood quietly at his or her desk. Nicola's heart pounded like she was at the very top of a roller-coaster ride.

She looked over at Tyler, who was standing stiffly at attention, as if he were in an army parade. Nicola knew that Tyler would want to be the Earthling Ambassador so badly he probably had a headache.When Georgio had said the words “intergalactic mission,”Tyler's chin had jerked up and the tips of his ears had gone bright red.Tyler's dream was to be an astronaut. He was always saying things like, “I can't wait to get off this planet,” and he kept writing to NASA, asking for a part-time after-school job.

He was also very intelligent, and although he wasn't necessarily very brave, Nicola thought he would be a great Earthling Ambassador. She hoped he got it. She hoped Greta Gretch
didn't
get it.

“This is how it will work.” Georgio pulled a large shiny red notebook from his pocket. “I shall be asking ten questions. If your answer to any question is
no,
then you must sit down immediately. If your answer is
yes,
then you may remain standing. If, by some remarkable chance, there is still one child standing when I ask my last question, then he or she is the Earthling Ambassador!”

“THERE WILL BE NO CHEATING!” he boomed so ferociously that they all jumped. “I will KNOW if you are cheating!”

“First question! Do you have the letter
r
in your first or last name? Sit down if the answer is no! Middle names do
not
count! Nicknames do
not
count!”

After thinking furiously for a few seconds, about fourteen people slumped miserably back into their seats. Nicola thought happily about the two
r
s in Berry. At least she wasn't one of the first people to be eliminated.

Nicola guessed Katie was probably only pretending to be sad when she sat down. Katie didn't even like leaving Honeyville to go into the city on the train, so she probably wouldn't be much good on an intergalactic mission.

Bruno Ecclestson sat down, too, but since he was a nasty sort of a person, nobody bothered to remind him that Bruno had an
r
in it. (Afterward, when it was too late, one of the boys
did
tell him, and Bruno punched him in the nose.)

“Second question.” Georgio raised two fingers. “Do you have at least three FRECKLES on your face?”

Nicola, who had always hated the seven freckles on her nose, suddenly became very fond of them.Tyler stood rigid, his freckled face stern and warriorlike. Lizbeth-Ann tried to convince Georgio that she had an extra freckle on her tummy, but Georgio just stared at her until she sulkily sat down.

“Is your birthday in one of the following months—December, March, April, or . . . June?”

Nicola thanked her lucky stars her birthday was when it was. If she'd been born even one day earlier, it would have been in November.Tyler's birthday was in September. He sat down quickly and gave Nicola a solemn smile. It was up to her now. She had to get as far as she could for poor Tyler.

There were now just seven people standing.

“Fourth question—do you own a pet fish?”

Nicola, who secretly found her goldfish a dull sort of a pet, decided she'd give Goldie an extra fish-food treat when she got home.

Four people were left standing.

“Fifth question—do you hate zucchini?”

That still left four people standing.

“Sixth question—can you perform any one of the following three tasks: one, walk a tightrope, two, dissect a rat, or three, Rollerblade backward?”

Nicola didn't know how to walk a tightrope or dissect a rat, but she could
sort of
Rollerblade backward, although she nearly always fell over. She wondered if it mattered how
well
you could perform the task.

“It doesn't matter how well you can perform the task!” cried Georgio as if he had read her mind. Nicola stared up at him and she thought—she wasn't quite sure because his face was up so high—that she saw the tiniest suggestion of a wink.

Now there were only three people left standing.
Maybe I'm going to be the Earthling Ambassador!
suggested a voice in her head.
Oh, no you're not,
said another sensible, prissy voice.
Don't get your hopes up.You're not special enough, Nicola Berry! Nothing exciting ever happens to you!

“Seventh question—do you own a purple piece of clothing?”

Nicola couldn't think straight. Every piece of clothing she could think of was a color other than purple. Her red dress, her yellow sweater, her blue jeans—they all jumbled together in her mind.What color were her socks? Weren't they all white?

She was just about to give up and sit down when she noticed Katie on the other side of the classroom behaving very strangely. She was twirling her arms in circles and turning her head to one side and opening her mouth.

“Mmmm?” Nicola was halfway between sitting and standing.

Katie held her nose and jumped up and down. Aha! Katie was pretending to swim because Nicola's new bathing suit was purple! How could she have forgotten? She stood back up and gave Katie a grateful smile.

Now there were only two people left standing.

Nicola Berry. And Greta Gretch.

Sworn enemies.

It was like a football match.There were the Greta fans and the Nicola fans.

The atmosphere was
electric.

“Eighth question.” Georgio turned a page of his notebook with a flourish. He looked as if he were enjoying himself. “Does your favorite beach begin with the letter
B
?”

“Beauty Beach,” said Greta smugly.The Greta supporters thumped their desks.