Edie Amelia and the Runcible River Fever (12 page)

‘No, you've done remarkably well. An allergy to pleather. In a nutshell! That's exactly the conclusion I drew myself, dear girl,' said Michaelmas. ‘Hogmanay didn't stop to
analyse
my notes and saw the dumb-waiter doggy-lifter diagram upon which I'd scribbled something about elevating a Fever Dog, a
discounted
theory that unfortunately Hogmanay decided, quite literally, to run with. I suppose, to him, it tied in all too neatly with his burning desire to fly.'

‘How he was able to stitch all those jumpsuits into his balloon in such a short period of time is beyond me,' said Edie.
‘Although he did get the Emergency Sewing Repairs people to help.'

‘One of the less reported symptoms of what was previously called “Runcible River Fever” was a sort of short burst of superhuman strength, agility and speed; allegedly a symptom which comes shortly before falling over and not being able to get back up. Apparently the sewers did the hundred-metre hurdles in record time on
their
way to the hospital,' Michaelmas replied.

‘But how could a whole town believe a Fever Dog was responsible for a virus when the Fever Dog didn't even exist?' Edie asked.

‘Well, dear, a lot of us were misled by what was reported in the newspaper. Say something false often enough and people will believe it,' said Michaelmas.

‘Trudy Truelove didn't check her facts, did she?' said Edie thoughtfully. ‘I wonder if it was her dog Snuffles that bit the schoolteacher, and to avoid getting into trouble she made up a story about a scary Fever Dog and blamed it.'

‘I think you're on to something there;
I could see the police questioning Ms Truelove when we arrived.'

Edie reached under the stretcher and found her notebook.

‘So, Dad, my theory was right!'

‘Yes, indeed, a pleather allergy explains everything.' Michaelmas gently ruffled her bob. ‘As you know, the Blank Marauder has been offloading pleather garments left, right and centre. They may have been in mint condition, but a lot of people have proven to be allergic to the chemicals used in their manufacture. I did extensive tests on that swatch of fabric. These chemicals were toxic enough to cause a cough, sneezing, rash, temperature, memory loss, all of that.'

Cheesy burst through the plastic door, followed by her mother.

‘How's Mr Chompster?' asked everybody at once.

‘Much better,' said Cheesy.

‘Of course,' said Edie, smiling sympathetically at her friend, ‘all that time your dad spent around pleather must have given him the worst pleather allergy ever, which explains all his bonkers behaviour.'

‘If anything proves that we should all be wearing organic cotton, then this is it,' said Cinnamon, bending over her daughter and stroking her hair.

‘Mum, shouldn't you be working on your book?'

‘Book schmook! Nothing is more important than family, darling.'

‘I couldn't agree more,' said Cheesy's mum. ‘With all this Fever nonsense I've been neglecting my own.'

‘We'll miss you when you go back to Scotland, Mrs Chompster,' said Edie.

‘Go back?' she said. ‘We'll not go back now it's safe. After all, we couldn't possibly leave our friends.'

‘And Dad never meant to
steal
those things,' said Cheesy, ‘he was only
borrowing
them in what he sincerely believed was a good cause.'

‘You are not to worry for a second, Charisma,' said Michaelmas.

He went on to explain that he had taken his allergy theory to Doctor Proudfoot, who in turn had incorporated the study into his
own research. Doctor Proudfoot confirmed that Runcible River Fever was indeed an allergy to pleather and easily cured by removing all pleather from the environment. So the police were not going to charge Hogmanay, who couldn't be held responsible for his actions because of an especially bad case of allergy (of which ‘law-breaking behaviour' was recognised as a symptom).

Mister Pants ran through the flapping plastic doors and gave Edie's hand a lick in what surely must have been an act outside of hospital policy.

‘Well, I do declare, this dog looks odder than ever,' said Michaelmas. ‘Has he gone cockeyed?'

‘Er, yes, Dad,' said Edie with fingers crossed behind her back. ‘But Doctor Stuart said she'd fix him
for free.
By the way, I hope she isn't too mad at the Blank Marauder.'

‘I hope not,' said Michaelmas. ‘They're getting married.'

A
s a surprise to everyone, including themselves, Arabella Stuart and Adam Halloween had decided to get married. An even bigger surprise was that it wouldn't be the first time. They had been married before, but after only a few months Arabella had fled, taking with her Major Wiggins,
the cat. Her reason? Neither the Major nor Arabella could put up with the untidiness of the Blank Marauder's shed.

When Arabella heard through the grapevine that the little detective next door had tidied Adam's shed, and that he was now running a profitable enterprise in pleather goods, she had invited him to come and see her at the vet surgery to talk things over. This was when things got messy. During his visit, Arabella was called away by a hoax caller (Hogmanay) to a non-existent emergency. Confused and angry about the items found missing from her storeroom upon her return, she paid the Blank Marauder a visit, but was scared off when she spied a nutty Scotsman (Hogmanay again) taking a large box of what looked like stolen goods from her ex-husband.

In an attempt to smooth things over at the hospital, Cheesy had repeated to Adam and Arabella what she'd heard in the hangar: that it was her father, Hogmanay, not Adam, who had taken the goods from the surgery. Cheesy confirmed that Adam
had asked Hogmanay to lock up the vet clinic, not to help himself to the stores. Edie's thorough detective report, including the discovery of a length of Hogmanay's auburn hair at the vet's surgery, was filed the day after and further cleared the air. Why had Hogmanay been at the surgery? It seemed the Blank Marauder had confided in him about there being a possibility for reconciliation with his ex-wife. Sadly Hogmanay, under the effects of his severe pleather allergy, had seen this as an opportunity to source materials for his balloon repair.

Fortunately, all had been forgiven. Arabella and Adam were able to resolve their differences and fall in love all over again, and Mister Pants was offered complimentary veterinary consultations in perpetuity (which is a fancy way of saying forever after).

Not long after Hogmanay Chompster was discharged from hospital, an invitation
arrived in the Sparkses' letterbox. Edie ran into the kitchen with it, Mister Pants at her heels with his tongue hanging out.

‘Could you open it, dear?' said Cinnamon, who was up to her elbows in buckwheat pancake batter. Edie pulled her Swiss army knife from her detective kit, carefully sliced open the back flap of the envelope and withdrew a card. Round the edge were forget-me-nots and thunderbolts, and the writing upon it read:

‘Mum,' said Edie, looking up at Cinnamon. ‘Can you make them a batch of those pancakes with quince jelly?'

Meanwhile, Edie's dad was so thankful that she had survived the balloon disaster that he had stayed up all the previous night making the dumb-waiter doggy-lifter fully operational. Only when satisfied it was completely safe did he invite Edie to launch it at a small family ceremony. A bottle of Cinnamon's elderflower cordial had been sprinkled over the harness (rather than a champagne bottle being smashed to bits, as is the tradition when launching a great ship on its maiden voyage). Edie helped Mister Pants into the cradle, fastened the buckle
and turned the lifter handle; then they all watched him ascend to the upper floor of The Pride of the Green, snorting contentedly and licking the sticky cordial off the harness.

Edie had never seen the Blank Marauder look as happy as he did on the day of his ‘vowel renewal' (as Cheesy kept calling it for her own amusement). When Cheesy arrived, the girls went straight to the Marauder's shed to make sure it was shipshape and that all his bits and pieces, from his abacuses to his zelig nuts, were stored in their appropriate boxes.

Precisely at noon, when all the guests were assembled, Doctor Stuart arrived in an alpaca-drawn chariot. (Thankfully none of them spat at the guests. In fact, it seemed the alpacas of Runcible had brightened up to such a degree that they could no longer be classified as ‘distressed'.) Mister didn't recognise her at first since she didn't have
her white coat and microscope, and was instead wearing a full-length cornflower-blue dress with her flaxen hair done in a twist. The Blank Marauder had dressed for the occasion in a silk shirt, a cravat and hounds-tooth trousers that were probably, thought Edie, from another ‘mint condition' shipment of seventies attire. The Marauder was accompanied by Major Wiggins, who proved to be an unfriendly creature and hissed hostilely at Mister Pants when he strayed too close. Glad of his replacement eye patch, Mister spent the rest of the afternoon glued to Edie's legs.