Effortless (32 page)

Kellan shrugged, his face still serene. “They took me to the
emergency room, my mom complaining the entire time that they were
going to be late for a party. I don’t know why I remember her
saying that…” Looking over to the Christmas tree, Kellan shook his
head. “Anyway, they checked me in, then left. I didn’t see them
again until Christmas night.”

Leaning back on the couch, Kellan smiled wider as his story grew
more and more awful. “There was this nurse there, and I guess she
felt sorry for me or something, because I was all alone on
Christmas morning.” He looked over at the toy car in his hand,
lifting it up to examine it closer. “She gave me a set of three Hot
Wheels. A fire truck, a police car, and…a muscle car.” He grinned
as he met my eye. “Just like this one.”

Shaking his head, he laughed a little. “I played with those cars
all day…” Running the toy down my arm, he murmured, “But this one
was my favorite. It was the only thing I wished I’d remembered to
take to L.A. when I left home. But I forgot, and my parents…tossed
it.”

He met eyes with me again. “That Christmas was the best one I’d
ever had, because I wasn’t at home. That toy was the best gift I’d
ever received, even better than my guitar I think, because the
guitar was mainly a ploy from my parents to keep me out of their
hair…” He lifted the car again. “This…was pure.”

He swallowed, searching my eyes. “I thought I’d never see
anything like that car again…how did you know to get me this?”

I shook my head, tears stinging the edges of my eyes. “It
just…seemed like you.”

Kellan frowned as he watched my eyes water and fill. “Hey, I
didn’t tell you that to make you feel sorry for me.” He cupped my
cheek. “I’m okay, Kiera.” I nodded under his fingertips but a tear
escaped me anyway. Brushing it aside with his thumb, he smiled at
me. “I just wanted to let you know what it meant to me. To…thank
you for letting me have this experience with you and your family.
It means more than you’ll ever really understand.”

I shook my head. “No, I think I get it.”

I kissed him lightly but my lip was trembling. Knowing I was
going to start sobbing for him if I didn’t change my thoughts, I
shook my head and inhaled deep. “I could use some eggnog. You?”

Kellan smiled peacefully and shook his head. “No, I don’t need
anything.”

I nodded, kissed his head, and hurried out of there. He didn’t
need or want my pity. He had dealt with his past a long time
ago.

Brushing my fingers under my eyes, I ran into my mom in the
kitchen. She smiled as she made another pot of coffee. “Kellan
seems to be enjoying himself?”

Yes, more than she’d ever realize. I shook my head, forcing on
the effortless smile that Kellan always wore. “Yeah, thank you so
much for getting Dad to let him come. I know it was you, and I’m
really…” I swallowed, the emotion of his story still with me, “I’m
really grateful.”

Mom frowned then came over to give me a hug. “Hey, it’s alright.
No need to get all blubbery.”

I sighed at myself, hugging her back. “I know.” Releasing her, I
rested my head on her shoulder. She patted my arm then glanced down
at the ring on my finger. She frowned for a moment and then looked
back into the living room at Kellan.

Looking back with her, I could see that Anna had joined him on
the couch and was flipping through her calendar with him. They were
peering at something intently, Kellan laughing a bit and shaking
his head. Watching the naturally beautiful pair, I sighed. Then I
rubbed my ring with my thumb and smiled. He’d chosen me.

“Is that from Kellan?” my mom asked quietly.

I looked back at her and nodded. “Yeah, he got us both promise
rings. Sweet, huh?”

She bit her lip, tilting her head. “Honey, I may disagree with
how your father broached the subject, but I don’t entirely disagree
with him about Kellan.” She shook her head, watching Kellan and
Anna get into a playful wrapping paper fight. “He’s so…attractive,
Kiera, even more so in person than his pictures.” Looking back at
me, she frowned. “That sort of thing gets noticed by women and
attractive men aren’t always good with…one relationship. And even
if he doesn’t stray, it takes a special person to be able to handle
all of the attention he’ll receive. Are you sure you can be that
woman? Are you sure you want to date him?”

She looked back at Kellan and my sister, and I suddenly felt
like what she was really saying was that Anna, my beautiful,
provocative, spontaneous, easy-going sister, was a better match for
him. Frowning, I crossed my arms over my chest. “Yes, I’m sure. I
know what you guys think of me, but Kellan sees more, he loves
me.”

Mom took a step back and narrowed her eyes at me. “What are you
talking about, Kiera?”

I stiffened, not really wanting to talk about the constant
references that I heard, not wanting to talk about the major
differences between Anna and me, differences that had been pointed
out to me my entire childhood. Mom squeezed my shoulder when I
didn’t answer her.  When she repeated her question, I sighed,
and muttered, “You know…that Anna’s the beautiful one and I’m…I’m
the smart one.”

Mom sighed and squeezed me tight. “Oh, Kiera, honey. I hope we
never made you feel that way, it was never our intention.” Pulling
back, she looked me in the eye. “That’s not what we think. We’re
always telling people about both of our beautiful daughters, and
they always agree with us. You’re every bit as attractive as your
sister, Kiera. I think you’re the only one that doesn’t see
it.”

Looking back into the living room, Mom shook her head. “But
Anna…relies on her looks. It’s become how she defines herself.
Sometimes I worry that her looks are all she’ll have, and when
those eventually fade…”

Smiling, she looked over at me and smoothed back my hair. “But
you are beautiful and smart, and you’ll do well with whatever life
hands you.” She leaned in to place a kiss on my forehead. “Your
father and I are both very proud of the woman you’re becoming.”
Sighing, she shook her head. “You’re our baby…we don’t want to see
you hurt is all.”

I smiled, looking back at Kellan. Anna was admiring his ring. He
smiled at her and then looked up at me. Tilting his head, he nodded
a little, like he was telling me that everything would be
okay.  As Mom kissed my head and walked back into the living
room, I heard Kellan’s jacket ringing. Thinking maybe it was the
guys wishing us a Merry Christmas, I walked over and plucked it out
of his pocket. It was a text from a number I didn’t recognize; the
name just said ‘private.’ I was about to hit the read button when
the phone was yanked from my hands.

Surprised, I looked over at Kellan standing beside me. Smiling,
he glanced at the screen, hit a button, then tucked the phone in
his pocket. Ice washed through me; he hadn’t even looked at the
message, like he was going to when he was alone. A downside to
giving him a cell phone struck me as my curiosity piqued.

Ignoring the look on my face, he pointed over to Anna. “Want to
play a game? Anna thinks she can beat me at Monopoly.” He laughed a
little and shook his head. I frowned. No, I didn’t want to play a
game, I wanted to know who had just texted him.

“Sure,” I muttered. As he started leading me away, I started to
wonder if maybe my parents were wiser than I wanted to believe.
Before I could stop myself, I asked, “Who was that text from?”

Kellan effortlessly smiled back at me and shook his head. “It
was just from Griffin.” He leaned in and laughed. “Trust me, with
the stuff he’s been sending me lately, you don’t want to see
it.”

I frowned, but nodded. It was a completely plausible story and
he
had
just given us promise rings. He wouldn’t do that if
he wasn’t living up to his end of the promise…right?

Kellan got to spend five more entire days with me. It felt like
five months with how much time we spent together. I showed him
everything my hometown had to offer while he was here. My old
school, the street all the kids in the neighborhood used to play
on, the café I frequented everyday for lunch my senior year of high
school. Kellan acted like I was showing him around Disneyland,
genuinely interested in seeing how I’d grown up.

For some reason, though, I shied away from all of the places
that Denny and I had been together, places that were important to
our relationship. The restaurant where we’d had our first date,
this one particular espresso stand that we’d hit nearly every
morning before classes, the book store that we used to go to on
lazy, Sunday mornings.

Even though I avoided pointing it out to Kellan, there was so
much of Denny in this city it was nearly overwhelming at times.
We’d entered adulthood together here. In a way, we’d sort of grown
up together here. Walking around the reminders brought Denny to the
forefront of my mind, but I pushed him back.

I could speak with my longtime friend later. My boyfriend, the
man who’d recently given me his heart in a band of silver, was my
primary focus. Especially since I wasn’t sure when I’d get to see
him again, once his five days were up.

And once those five days were up, the time didn’t feel like five
months anymore. It suddenly felt more like five seconds. Walking
him as far as I could through the airport, I felt the heaviness of
our separation in my heart. My mom was right about our relationship
in one respect—it was hard. Him leaving, going out on the road to
places unknown with people unknown, was taxing. It took a special
person to be able to wear the weight of that strain. I wanted to be
that person, I desperately wanted it. But I’d always liked
consistency, and Kellan’s life was no longer predictable. He was
fluid now, carving a path that was as ever-changing as the weather.
It knotted my stomach.

Bag slung over his shoulder, Kellan twisted to face me when it
was time to part. Heart in his eyes, he laid his forehead against
mine. “No goodbyes,” he whispered.

I nodded, biting my lip as my eyes stubbornly stung. “I’ll miss
you.”

He nodded against me, sighing softly. “I’ll miss you more.”

I grinned a little, shaking my head. “No, it doesn’t work that
way. It’s always harder on the person being left than the person
leaving…that’s just a fact.”

Pulling back, he cupped my cheek. “I’m not leaving you. I’ll
never leave you.”

I swallowed, placing my hand over his. “I know,” I whispered,
hoping that what he’d just said was a fact.

He searched my eyes for long seconds, then he leaned in to kiss
me. It was the softest, sweetest, most tender physical act we’d
ever shared. I never wanted it to stop. I suddenly wished we were
entered in one of those kissing contests right then, the kind where
the couple who were locked together the longest won some outrageous
prize, just so the moment would have to continue for days and
days.

But that wasn’t what was happening, and eventually the moment
did end. He pulled apart from me, slowly, reluctantly. Biting his
lip, he sighed and brushed some tears off my cheeks; I hadn’t even
realized I’d been crying. Engulfing me in a warm hug, he whispered
in my ear, “I love you, just you…I promise.”

I smiled as we pulled apart, reaching up to feel his face under
my fingertips. “I promise too,” I whispered back.

He gave me a breathtaking smile then stepped back. Grabbing my
hand, he kissed the back of it. Then he had to go, and I had to let
him. I felt my heart squeeze as I watched the shape of him
retreating from me. But then my eyes drifted down his body and
words from Matt’s neighbor drifted through my head. I smiled and
shook my head. That spunky old lady was right…he did have a nice
butt.

Anna and I spent New Year’s Eve in Ohio, her going out with a
group of her old friends, me staying home with my parents. I played
a board game with them while I thought about Kellan singing his
heart out on a stage somewhere. It had been forever since I’d heard
him sing…I missed that too.

The first day of the New Year had Anna and I back on a plane,
going home. Mom and Dad saw us both off at the gate. Mom sobbing
while she hugged her girls, Dad telling us that we were welcome to
come back any time we wanted, for however long we wanted. He even
told me that Kellan could visit again sometime too, since he was a
decent man and had obeyed the house rules.

 I didn’t tell Dad that Kellan and I had broken his rules
on that very first night. I also didn’t mention that every night
after that, I’d snuck downstairs to cuddle with Kellan on the
plastic-coated couch. And technically that hadn’t been breaking the
rules, since Dad’s only stipulation was that Kellan couldn’t come
up to my room. He’d never said anything about me going down to
him.

I also didn’t mention that fact to Mom, since Kellan and I had
caved once or twice on that couch and she had specifically asked
for that not to happen in her house. I couldn’t help it, though.
Sometimes my common sense flew right out the window when Kellan
touched me. Okay, most of the time it did.

When our plane touched down on the west coast, my heart dropped
a little. At least back in Ohio, I was closer to where Kellan was,
as he continued his touring by the east coast. Now that I was back
at home, the country had never seemed so large. I cursed the
vastness of it all.

Stepping into Pete’s that night, since the work-free part of my
winter vacation was over, I was assaulted nearly instantly. A cute,
perky blonde threw her arms around me. “Kiera! You’re back!”
Pulling back, Jenny beamed up at me. “We missed you so much.”

I laughed as I hugged her, warmed by her welcome. “I missed you
guys too.” As we separated, a flash of sparkle around her neck
caught my eye. Fingering the pendant against her skin, a gold heart
with a diamond floating in the center of it, I smiled. “This is
really pretty. Is it from Evan?”

Jenny picked it up and giggled. “Yeah.” She pointed to the
silver guitar I always wore tucked under my clothes. “Now we kind
of match, right?”

I smiled and nodded, lightly tracing the shape of the guitar
under my shirt. Jenny flicked a finger at the ring I was
unconsciously showing her. A knowing smile on her face, she asked,
“That from Kellan?”

Seeing that she clearly already knew it was, I looked down at it
and nodded. She sighed as she pulled my hand over to examine it.
Shaking her head she told me, “Yeah, Evan told me about these. He
was there when Kellan picked them out.” She peeked up at me, her
blue eyes bright. “Kellan wears one too, right?”

I nodded again, fingering the elegant band around my finger.
“Yeah, his is plain silver. It’s simple, it suits him…it’s really
nice.”

My voice got a little dreamy on me and Jenny smiled, dropping my
hand. “That boy never ceases to surprise me,” she murmured. “I
honestly didn’t think he had it in him to be so committed to one
person.” She shrugged, hugging me again. “Well, I’m glad it’s you
that he loves.” Starting to walk away, she shook her head and
rolled her eyes. “If I had to constantly hang around some of the
girls he’s been with, I think I’d shoot myself.” She smirked and
laughed, then seemed to realize what she’d said and stopped
walking. “Oh, I didn’t mean to bring up…you know…he’s just…there
were some that…”

She sighed and shrugged, looking really embarrassed. I forced
myself to laugh and shrug my shoulders. “I know. I know what he
was. It’s okay, Jenny. Don’t worry about it.”

She relaxed a little, tossing out an apology before scampering
off to work. I inhaled a deep breath and let it go. His past flings
were no great secret. It nearly seemed like there was a group of
them that held weekly meetings, comparing notes.
Oh, he did
that with you too! How amazing for the both of us!

I smirked at myself, imaging Rita as the president of the club
and Candy as the vice president. Rain could be the
treasurer…mechanic girl could be the secretary. Rolling my eyes, I
headed to the back room to start getting ready for work. Filling up
that imaginary club’s imaginary positions had been way too
easy.

Before I knew it, I was back into my old routine. School started
back up again and I had all new classes for the new quarter. Still
going for my Bachelor of Arts with a major in English, my classes
were heavy on literature…and homework. I enrolled in a class that I
was sure was going to be as challenging as my Critical Practices
class—Studies in Expository Writing. Under my guidance counselor’s
advice, I also signed up for a course on the Theory and Practice of
Teaching Writing. She said that learning to teach someone else was
also a good way to learn something yourself. I agreed, although the
thought of standing in front of class giving lectures made me want
to pee my pants. But I could do it if I had to. If Kellan had
gotten through the challenges in his life, I could surely get
through my far more trivial woes.

On the bright side, I now had Friday afternoons off. True, I’d
mainly be studying, but a bright side is a bright side. That and my
ethics class was over. And no more ethics meant no more Candy. And
she apparently was not focusing on English as her major; she didn’t
show up in any of my new classes.

Cheyenne did, though. The outgoing woman slung her arm around me
when she showed up in my poetry class. Only briefly asking how my
rock star boyfriend was, she streamed on and on about her holiday
break. I listened eagerly, glad that I had a life and connections
outside of Kellan. That, for once, focusing on him wasn’t all I
had. Like Mom feared with Anna, I didn’t want to rely on one thing
for my happiness. That wasn’t to say that Kellan didn’t give me the
most joy, he did, but there were other pockets of contentment that
I drew strength from too.

Thinking that this new quarter at school might be the best one
I’ve had there, and the hardest, Cheyenne and I decided to duck out
for some much needed coffee after poetry class one frigid February
afternoon. The professor had been discussing how different
interpretations could alter the meaning of the work completely. The
flowery language was a little hard to wrap my head around, but
Cheyenne was actually very intuitive on the subject.

I listened to her explanation of our latest assignment,
enraptured. I was finally starting to feel like I understood the
piece. That was how I ended up walking right into someone. I’d
never actually had that happen to me before, collision-coursing
into someone, and my face turned about five shades of red. While
Cheyenne giggled at my clumsiness, I quickly apologized to the
stranger I’d nearly steamrolled over.

He took a step back, steadying himself, and we both locked onto
each other’s eyes at the same time, each stammering apologies. “I’m
sorr—”

I couldn’t finish my sentence as I stared into a warm set of
deep brown eyes. Brown eyes that I’d been sure I’d never stare into
again. Feeling all the blood drain from my face, I whispered,
“Denny?”

He inhaled a deep breath, holding it for a second before
releasing it in a rush. With a soft smile, he quietly said, “Hi,
Kiera.”

Hearing his accent curl around my name in person, gave me an
ache in my stomach. I stared at him, shocked into momentary
silence. Denny Harris. He looked the same as the last time I’d seen
him, over a year ago. The same, yet different, too. His dark hair
was a bit longer than before, styled back away from his face in a
way that made him seem older. The scruff along his jaw was thicker
too. Nowhere near a beard, but heavier than he used to keep it. It
also aged him. In fact, everything about him seemed older, from his
clearly more expensive clothes to the way he stood just a little
taller. It was almost like he’d left Seattle a boy, and returned a
man.

“You look good,” I finally whispered, my throat feeling
painfully dry.

He smiled uncertainly, his eyes drifting over my body for a
second. “So do you.”

A tension built up as we stared at each other. It must have made
Cheyenne uncomfortable; I know it was making me feel that way. I
just never expected to literally run into my ex on the street.

Placing her hand on my shoulder, she murmured, “I should go…I’ll
see you later, Kiera.”

I nodded at her, never once taking my eyes from Denny. People
hustled around us on the chilly sidewalk but I ignored them. The
impossibility of Denny before me was all I could focus on. After
another long moment, when Denny started looking around, like he
didn’t know what to say, I sputtered, “You’re back…in Seattle?”

He looked at me and smiled and I felt stupidity flow right
through me. Of course he was back…I was staring right at him.
Shaking my head, I added, “I mean why are you back?” Closing my
eyes, knowing I was sounding rude and flustered, I took a deep
breath before I spoke again. Reopening them, I calmly told him, “I
mean…it’s good to see you.”

He ran a hand through his hair, biting his lip before answering.
“It’s good to see you too.”

Shaking my head at him, only one thought kept crashing around my
head. Well, second thought really, right behind the first one that
I’d already rudely asked him. Thinking this one wasn’t quite so
rude, I allowed myself to ask it. “Why didn’t you tell me you were
coming?” Fourteen hour flights weren’t exactly spur of the moment
things after all, and Denny and I did talk on occasion, although,
not since Kellan had left, back in November.