Enigma (29 page)

Jack was right; it was all there, but I had concerns. Jonathan was experienced. None of us were. How would we know what to do if something went wrong?

“Jack, I need to think about this,” I said.

“What’s there to think about? I don’t understand what’s changed.”

“What if this goes horribly wrong? Jonathan was supposed to administer the drug; he knew what he was doing. I’m afraid that something awful could happen,” I confessed.

Jack looked at me, smiling, and obviously not taking into consideration how scared I was.

“Don’t worry; as long as we follow the instructions in the book, nothing will go wrong. I would never do anything that could hurt you. Do you trust me?” he asked.

“Of course I trust you.”

“Then let’s do it. Just the three of us,” he said calmly.

I definitely wanted Seb to be there. Jack was far too calm and he was scaring me. His mood swings were becoming unpredictable. Jack took the book from me and began flipping through the pages.

“Let’s think about this for a moment. I want to make sure that Kate knows what the risks are. Who’s going to administer the drug?” Seb asked.

“I will,” Jack said.

It seemed that he had the entire process worked out in his mind, but we hadn’t discussed the finer details and I wanted us to make all of the decisions together.

“No, Jack. I want Seb to administer the drug,” I said.

“What?”

“I’ll need you next to me the entire time. I need you to hold my hand and be there for me. Seb, will you do it?”

He looked at me, not wanting to answer. “I’ll do it for you, Kate,” he said despondently.

The three of us sat for ages looking through and studying the books that were in the wooden box. Seb was deciphering the diagrams and discussing them with Jack; it was the first civil conversation between them that I’d witnessed. I stared at the bottles of white serum and purple liquid, which would soon be rushing through my veins. I felt weak and queasy; I wanted to be adrenalized but I was scared, even more so now that I was putting my life in Seb and Jack’s hands.

CHAPTER 28

T
hat night, I went home and lay on my bed, thinking about the adrenalization over and over again. I couldn’t get the beaker with the white serum out of my head, and the steel bed haunted my every thought. I was prepared to do it for both Jack and Sebastian, but I needed to do a few things first, just in case things didn’t go as planned. I grabbed a notebook and pen from my bedside drawer and began writing Brett’s letter. It was emotionally draining, but the words came easily:

Dear Brett,

In life, some things are just meant to be, and you were meant to be an inspiration to me. I’m so proud of the way you’ve chosen to turn your life around, and I want you to continue being strong and fill your life with everything that makes you happy. Finish high school and don’t ever listen to Heather! Be your own person and create a successful life where you don’t have to rely on anyone. I love you so much and you’ll always be in my heart wherever I am.

All my love,

Kate

I wiped my eyes and placed the letter in an envelope, knowing that this was the most important letter because Brett would need some kind of closure from me.

Flo’s letter was next, and it was going to be a hard letter to write, too:

My Flo,

You’ve been a wonderful mother to me. Without you in my life, I’m sure I would’ve become a different person. But I’m a better person because of you. You have always been there for me and what more could a daughter ask for? I’ll carry the love you have given me around in my heart forever, and you must know you’ll always be loved.

Kate

After I sealed Flo’s envelope, I grabbed another tissue and thought about how my death could be explained. I would hate for people to assume that my death was caused by drugs. And if I died that way, the police would insist on an autopsy, and what would be revealed would invite danger and many questions. Maybe it would be best if my body was hidden or destroyed, allowing everyone to assume that I’d disappeared. But I knew that wasn’t a fair option; Brett and Flo would be living in hope that I might return one day. That wouldn’t be a life for either of them, especially not for Flo, after what happened to Maddelena.

Even though my thoughts were completely rational, I was a mess. There were so many unanswered questions. What would happen to Seb and Jack after I died? We had no idea how long it would take for Jack to die from his broken heart or how soon Seb would die after that. All of our deaths would be suspicious. How would Lindsey ever cope with having lost her husband and then both her sons? She wouldn’t have anyone left to live for.

Incredibly overwhelmed, I decided that we couldn’t go ahead with the adrenalization so soon. We had to get some kind of story straight, prepare for me to die, and prepare for me to live.

Living in this surreal world was sometimes a challenge for me. I kept hoping that I’d wake up one morning and realize that all this craziness was a dream, but it didn’t happen.

I needed to be alone, completely alone, just for a few hours. I needed to think about the imminent life-changing future I was facing. Strangely, I was past the fear of being adrenalized, past the fear of how my life would change, but I wasn’t past the fear of dying and never seeing Seb again.

I hid in the pool house and sat on the soft, leather couch while my mind turned to death once again.

Some people believe in Heaven; some believe in Hell. I hadn’t really thought about either before, but now that my life was possibly ending, I thought about what might be ahead.

I envisioned Heaven as a beautiful place filled with calming pastel colors, sweet fragrances, stunning flowers, and multi-colored birds singing in tall trees. It was a place of eternal peace and unity where rested souls walked graciously amongst one another. Heaven was pure tranquility; a comforting, fulfilling place, offering everything your heart could ever desire. I didn’t want to think that Hell existed, but if it did, I envisioned it being a dark and gloomy place where fire raged and loneliness engulfed every crevice. Lost souls would wander, howling through the dark underground, traveling aimlessly through claustrophobic, rocky tunnels seeking a way out of their misery. But they’d never find their way out. Hell would imprison them for eternity.

My thoughts shifted to Jack and Seb; they breathed like humans, they had emotions like humans, but their supernatural powers were not human at all. What if they didn’t qualify for a place in Heaven? Where did the supernatural go after death? If I died a human, would I ever see Seb again? I was driving myself crazy with thoughts of dying and hypothetical questions. I didn’t have any answers and neither did anyone else. One thing I was sure of was that without life, there would be no death. Deep down, I knew that I would rather have shared a short part of my life with Seb and suffered on without him eternally than to never have known him.

If everything worked out well, I’d never have to feel physically vulnerable again and I’d always be able to protect myself and those I loved. I’d certainly get through college a lot easier by taking advantage of my speed reading and superb memory retention. If I focused, I could have a great career ahead of me, which would be invaluable to having an enriching life.

I had written my letters to Brett and Flo and now I had to write on to Seb—not that there was any guarantee that he’d have a chance to read it. I picked up my notebook and pen:

Dear Sebastian,

Loving you was the most wonderful feeling I’ve ever experienced. The love that I feel for you will remain in my heart forever. You complete me.

Truly yours,

Love Kate

XOXOXOXOXO

W
hile Jack was at a football game, I called Seb and asked him to meet me at the beach. Holding his letter, I watched the water crash into the sand and waited for him. A few minutes later, Seb appeared and I walked toward him. My heart pounded and I took short, deep breaths.

“Seb, I have something for you,” I said. “Please take this letter and keep it. It’s for you to read if I die.”

He looked into my eyes.

“You’re not going to die. Please be positive. The power of our minds is stronger than the physical power of our bodies.”

“You may have many talents, but you’re not able to see the future. Take it just in case. Please.” I dropped the letter in the sand and Seb moved it into his hands without touching it.

“Seb, I want you to know that I don’t regret anything that has happened between us even though I’ve selfishly hurt Jack by wanting you so badly.”

“I can live with the guilt, but I can’t live without you. I’m ashamed of myself for admitting that to you,” he said, and within seconds, he was gone.

I headed home with a heavy heart and Jack was waiting for me in front of my house. He ran up to me and lifted me up. Reluctantly, I wrapped my legs around his waist and he kissed me like it was the last time he’d ever get the chance. He then led me away from my house.

“Where are you taking me?”

“It’s a surprise,” he said, smiling.

I felt a sense of déjà vu as he led me back to the beach. A rowboat swayed in the waves by the rocks. In it were two wine glasses and a bottle of wine, and the boat was lit up with white fairy lights. Jack ushered me toward the boat and looked at me, holding his arm out.

“Jump aboard,” he said playfully.

I wobbled aboard and he fussed over me like a new puppy. He rolled up his jeans, pushing the boat away from the shore, and as he jumped aboard, he rocked the boat. I grabbed his waist and he laughed. I had no idea that he’d been planning something special and would have avoided it at all costs if I’d known.

We floated into the middle of the ocean with only the stars for company, and Jack wrapped a blanket around my shoulders. He rowed quickly and once we were out far enough, he rested the oars and we lay next to each other looking up at the stars.

“Kate, you’re amazing. You’re everything to me.”

I couldn’t look him in the eye.

“I never thought I’d be capable of loving only one person, but I know you’re the one.”

He held out a glass and as I took it, he filled it with champagne. I thought champagne was only appropriate for celebrations, but I smiled and took a sip. Jack took my free hand and kissed it before kneeling in front of me. He then pulled out a tiny green box, which had a gold clasp on it. He released the clasp to reveal a white gold diamond ring. I gasped and dropped my glass, and champagne splattered on Jack’s shirt. I apologized profusely, my heart pounding and my hands shaking.

Jack placed the box down next to him and removed his shirt. He reclaimed the box and ushered me to sit back down. He then returned to his kneeling position and took the ring out of the box. It sparkled beautifully against the night sky.

“Kate, will you marry me?”

My eyes widened.
How can I say yes to marrying someone I don’t love?
I thought. If I said no, he’d be devastated; after all, I was supposed to be madly in love with him. I knew what my answer had to be, and my reaction to his proposal would have to be convincing, too.

“Yes,” I said excitedly.

Jack slid the ring on my finger, which was a perfect fit, and kissed me.

“Kate, I’m so relieved that you said yes. You’ve seemed so distracted lately.”

My body tensed. I had to think before I said anything that would compromise our delicate situation. I didn’t want to lie to him, but I knew that telling the truth wasn’t an option.

“It’s just that the adrenalization’s been distracting me.”

Jack smiled. “Well, now I can rest assured that you’ll be mine forever.”

“Tomorrow, Jack. It’s got to be tomorrow,” I said, suddenly changing my mind.

“We can’t organize a wedding that soon,” Jack laughed.

“No! The adrenalization will be tomorrow.”

“We aren’t prepared enough, Kate; we should wait a few more days. We have to plan.”

“We’ll never be completely prepared. We’re only putting off the inevitable,” I reasoned, wanting the lies to be over.

After sailing for a while, I asked Jack to return to shore, telling him that I had an assignment to finish. I was getting good at finding excuses to avoid spending time with him.