Equal Access (25 page)

Pap continued. “And then one day I realized
that the very thing I didn’t want, that the very challenge I railed
against so much, was one of the most significant blessings in my
life. One day I realized that you weren’t just the kid I was
raising as my son.” He glanced at Shad again. “You are my son. And
you’ve made your mom and me proud of you.”

As Shad allowed those words to soak in he
realized what a revelation Pap’s confession was. Never, ever, in
his wildest, most delusional imaginings, would Shad have ever
theorized that Pap didn’t want him around. When he was a kid, when
he finally became convinced they weren’t just “fattening him up”
for some seasonal human sacrifice that was required by this bizarre
religious cult they belonged to, Shad believed his parents had
always wanted him. Even when he was a senior in high school, when
Shad learned that they had risked so much for him and why, it never
occurred to him Mam and Pap were “only” following divine will.

“You still paid too heavy a price,” Shad
murmured.

Over ten years ago Shad left a school
assignment at home that morning, but a few minutes after he and Mam
had left home in the car, Shad discovered it was missing while he
was thumbing through his notebook. Since Mam had the time to turn
the car around so he could retrieve his homework, she did so, with
only a couple of comments about ways Shad could work out to keep
him from forgetting such things.

When Mam stopped the car in front of their
house, Shad hopped out and sprinted through the front door. He
found Pap lying face down in the living room, just in front of the
kitchen doorway. Shad ran back to the porch to yell for Mam. Then
he dashed back to Pap and confirmed the man was unconscious but
breathing.

They drove him to the hospital themselves
because it would take too long to wait for an ambulance. Shad sat
in the back seat, cradling Pap’s head in his lap, and desperately
prayed to a God he was just coming to terms with not to take his
father away. Pap regained consciousness during the trip, but he was
groggy and disoriented.

At first the doctors thought Pap had a
stroke. But when those tests turned out negative, they investigated
further and discovered the tumor growing near the base of his
skull. They removed it and were able to inform the family it was
benign.

But Mam’s and Pap’s problems weren’t over
with yet. The only insurance they had was through Mam’s job with
the school. It didn’t cover much, and they were left with large
medical bills.

Shad, who was usually obtuse about such
matters, actually noticed the increased frugality and overheard
parts of muttered conversations that were meant to be out of his
earshot. Mam and Pap assured him everything was all right, but Shad
wondered how these people who were so thrifty and conscientious
about saving money were struggling to pay the bills. He wound up
taking his concern to Jill.

His aunt believed that since Shad was nearing
eighteen, and the truth would be more reassuring to him, he might
as well know everything. So Jill told Shad that Mam and Pap
shouldered the responsibility of rearing him because the task had
been ordained to them. They approached that woman with the offer of
adopting Shad from her and paying for the resulting legal expenses.
She refused
that
offer, but told them she would take money
for herself if they really wanted to adopt him.

But when Mam and Pap checked into this
arrangement with an attorney, they were told unequivocally the law
forbade them to pay that woman specifically to give up her child.
That constituted purchasing a human being, and thus was considered
a black market adoption.

But that woman refused to compromise. So Mam
and Pap turned their backs to the law and paid her off.

Mam used – there were plenty who would say
“abused” – her position as a school secretary to transfer Shad’s
records from St. Louis to the school where she worked. Everything
seemed to fall into place, and the Delaneys simply never bothered
to go into detail with friends and members of the church how they
“adopted” Shad into their home. One of the advantages of living in
a rural community was there were few prying eyes to discover their
secret.

Then five years later that woman contacted
them again, and she demanded more money or else she would turn them
in. At first Mam and Pap dismissed her threat – she was as culpable
as they were regarding this felony. Then they discovered her tight
scheme which did put that woman at risk, but guaranteed Shad would
be taken in by the Social Services system they were
meant
to
keep him out of. Besides, they didn’t want to lose him. For Shad’s
protection they gave her what she demanded. But it left them ill
prepared for Pap’s hospitalization a little over a year later.

When Shad pondered how that wasn’t fair, he
got mad at the One who had effectively set his parents up for their
financial hardship. If only they had been able to get hold of a
lawyer that would have fought to help them achieve their goal and
not charged them as much or more as that woman took off with, they
wouldn’t be in this fix now.

Well, if the world needed more lawyers like
that, then Shad should become one.

Of all the crazy ideas he ever had, Shad
dismissed that notion as his most deranged. Yet the idea dogged
him, seeming to pop up most readily whenever Shad considered his
parents’ circumstances. Obsession wasn’t anything new to him, but
there was something different about this one.

A year and a half before Pap went into the
hospital, Shad finally figured out that hearing God had to be a
more profound experience than hearing Charlton Heston’s voice in
one’s head. So he asked Pap just how it was supposed to work. It
turned out the experience could manifest in several ways, and one
was a compulsion to do something that served others – especially if
it was something the person didn’t want to do.

Great, Shad figured. He was finally able to
get in touch with his inner light, and it had to be
this
.

But Shad figured he owed it to Mam and Pap to
give in to divine will. Not doing so seemed like a mockery of all
they had sacrificed. And now ... and now Shad felt like he had been
set up, as well.

Pap’s voice broke up Shad’s thoughts. “I
expect the reward in the end will be of higher value than what I
paid.”

“And if you’re wrong?” Shad muttered into his
hands.

“Well, I’m not.” Pap smirked. “But even if I
were, what legacy would I rather leave behind? That I gave in to my
weaker self, or that I defied the odds to give a child in need a
better future?” He glanced toward Shad. “I have absolutely no idea
why we had to keep you out of state custody, but I gained a fine,
honorable son by doing so. Yeah, the reward outweighs the
price.”

Pap’s words were supposed to be uplifting,
but Shad felt more weight added to his guilt. He knew the reason
why he had to stay out of foster care, and if Pap knew that reason,
he wouldn’t be so proud of this twisted, wicked son he had been
burdened with.

A couple of minutes of silence passed before
Pap spoke again. “Maybe I should just let you figure out who tried
to kill you and almost got Dulsie instead.”

There was that sensation again. It had to
work its way through all the layers of despair and misery and
torment, but it also caused a bit of distraction from them. It was
that element Shad usually tried to keep tightly reined, so it
wasn’t used to coming out much. Even now, as it tried to flex some
muscle, Shad told himself to keep it on a short leash. If it
controlled him instead of the other way around, Shad wouldn’t be
much use to Dulsie. But he also realized he’d have to cut it a
little slack if Shad wanted to accomplish more than claim her
assailant was a coward missing part of his genitalia.

“We’re coming up on the motel.” Pap broke
into the latest round of silence. “Which room is yours?”

A man that does not know how to be angry does not
know how to be good.

--Henry Ward Beecher

After Shad gathered up the few things he had
in the motel room, most of which had never really been unpacked,
Pap commented on the scarcity of his belongings, especially
footwear appropriate for a farm. So on the way back to the house
Pap stopped the truck at a sundries store and Shad bought a comb
and cheap pair of deck shoes, which he could wear without socks and
therefore avoid having to buy any of those as well. Pap agreed Shad
could probably borrow a few of his clothes until Shad could
retrieve more of his own garments. Even though Pap was taller, they
were still able to wear basically the same size.

Shad’s need for clothes quickly became
apparent when they returned to the farm and Pap commented that he
needed to take a shower and suggested Shad do the same. So after
Shad got a pair of olive shorts and a khaki shirt from Pap, he
deposited his few belongings in the bedroom that used to be his and
took the change of clothes to the downstairs bathroom to clean
up.

As Shad looked in the medicine cabinet mirror
he debated whether or not to shave. His beard was light and slow to
grow, which was the main reason Shad had never grown one although
he was inclined to copy Pap. He couldn’t look scruffy in court. The
combination of his thin beard, hairless chest, and propensity to
readily turn brown come springtime, had caused some speculation
about the ethnicity of the guy who sired him. Although that woman
was a brunette with brown eyes, it was obvious the Y half of Shad’s
DNA had been provided by someone even swarthier. Although his birth
certificate stated that he had been born in Tulsa, Oklahoma, the
identity of the father was designated as “unknown.” Shad considered
it par for the course that the genetic material provided by some
dude he didn’t know or care about prevented him from emulating the
appearance of the man whom he considered to be his father. He might
as well shave.

After his shower Shad draped the slacks,
which could only be dry cleaned, over his shoulder, and carried the
rest of his clothes to the nearby laundry room. As he tossed them
into the wicker hamper Shad caught a glimpse of some clothes
soaking in the utility tub next to the washer. He froze when Shad
realized what he was seeing.

The blue jeans and tan shirt were darkened by
stains that also left wispy trails in the water. Blood. They were
Pap’s clothes, but Shad quickly surmised whose blood was on them
and how it got there. Nobody told him just how Dulsie made it to
the hospital. He closed the lid on the hamper and walked into the
kitchen where Pap was heating something in the microwave.

“Dulsie called you, didn’t she?” Yet more
guilt washed through him.

Pap was wearing different jeans and a
burgundy button-down shirt, and he glanced almost nonchalantly
toward Shad as he opened the refrigerator.

“You know I can get to your place faster than
the sheriff.”

“You could’ve been shot. Or killed.”

“You remember one of the reasons why we
Delaneys are considered to be such a contrary lot?” Pap began
pulling various containers from the refrigerator. “We’ve always
maintained that while pacifism was an ideal, until the rest of the
world embraced that belief, we’d fight anybody who threatened our
families. Luckily none of us since Quaid have ever had the need to
pull a gun on another person, but I was ready to do whatever it
took to protect my family.”

Shad shook his head. “This is all my fault. I
should’ve been home. I shouldn’t even be here. You’ve already
risked too much.”

Pap shot him that familiar glare as he closed
the refrigerator with his foot because his arms were full of
sandwich fixings and a pitcher of tea. “We’ve already been through
that weed patch.” He set the containers on the counter as the
microwave went off. “I’ll agree with you that you’ve made a
mistake. But if you learn from it and make amends, you’ll have
grown. It’s all part of being human. It’s the reason we keep
hitting those road bumps in life.”

“Road bumps sown with nails and knives and
broken glass,” Shad grumbled. “Rusty razor blades. And trip
wires.”

“Don’t forget the land mines.” Pap stepped
over to the microwave. “You can make yourself a sandwich. And we’ve
got mixed vegetables left over from last night.”

At first Shad wanted to refuse to eat, but it
had been two days since his last meal and his stomach started
pulsating at the prospect of food. He also hadn’t had anything to
drink all day.

After Shad fixed his lunch and sat at the
handmade table kitty-corner from Pap, they bowed their heads in a
silent grace before eating. Or rather, Shad prayed for Dulsies’s
recovery and didn’t even mention the food.

When Shad and Dulsie were beginning to do
things together that resembled “going out” more than just “hanging
out,” Dulsie once commented at a restaurant how Shad had a rather
“interesting” relationship with food. He was fearless of trying
anything new, yet Shad was quick to turn down food, even his
favorites, if it didn’t meet some kind of predetermined parameters
he seemed to cherish – the biggest one, she noticed, being time to
enjoy the meal at leisure. Shad used her comment as the springboard
to begin sharing a few episodes about his abuse as a child.

Whenever Shad, at irregular intervals, did
get fed, it was usually something dumped out of a can or a box. If
he didn’t eat it quickly enough, the rather sorry food might be
taken away. One time he tried to retrieve a half-eaten hamburger
tossed into the trash can by a boyfriend. When the boyfriend caught
Shad he flew into a rage and called Shad names like “greedy turd”
and even more obscene as he twisted the boy’s arms behind his back
and made him lick other things from the trash can.