Erotic Refugees (21 page)

Eoin shrugged as the train
pulled out with a wet squeak of metal and passed into the tunnel on
its way south. “Seemed to be fine. Milly brought a big bag of Lego,
from her own private stash, she said. Then they got down to
building. He didn't really notice when I left, just gave a
wave.”

“
And that's how it should
be! Parents are boring old sods, babysitters are all excitin' and
girly-smelling, aren't they?”

Eoin gave another half-hearted
shrug. He looked, Rob decided, less than convinced. The daft bugger
was probably feeling guilty again. Well, he'd have to make sure
Eoin had fun at this party. That would be his role for the evening.
The sour man from Dundalk would enjoy himself, or else.

“
So,” he said. “Let me
tell ye about Karen. I mailed her with the new idea for the
website, and since she hadn't done a great deal on the old one she
didn't really care about the change. So she's on it. Plus I tried
to reason with her about telling me where she was, but she said
she'd tell me like, in a week or two, as long as I promised not to
tell the mother. She's terrified of the mother findin'
out.”

“
But couldn't you lie
better if you knew exactly where she was?”

“
Yeah probably, but it's
delicate. She probably thinks I'd go there and fetch her if I knew.
I can't push her too hard to tell me either because we want her to
do the work on the site. But if she falls under a train then I'm
really in the soup and the mother will have my balls. The mother
probably has a whole box of balls somewhere, ripped from various
men at different times, ye know? And anyway I can't really be arsed
lying about something for that long, it's bad for the health.
Jaysus, I hope we get there soon, I could murder a fag right
now.”

Their train ground to a halt
and they watched as people in mostly black jackets shoved their way
through the doors, moving past a very similar crowd who were
pushing their way out. They all looked like they were in shock,
having their well-deserved summer pulled so cruelly out from under
them. Rob knew how they felt. If he’d wanted rain and chill and
dark in July he could have just stayed in Ireland.

“
So,” Eoin said,
brightening up a little, “the phone call thing. Have you worked out
how to do it?”

“
It’s hardly rocket
science, is it? I’ll just call her mobile from Skype and record it.
Then we listen to it and see what we can find out.”

“
Fair enough. We'll have
to try and call her when she's out so we get some background
sounds. Think you can keep her talking?”

The train pulled out and they
rumbled on towards their destination.

“
Oh don't worry about
that, if there's one thing I know I'm good at, it's talking a whole
load of rubbish and getting people to listen to it. If that's all
we need, me talkin' shite for an extended period, then we've as
good as found her already.”

Eamonn's flat was located on
the fourth floor of a slightly shabby building in a slightly dodgy
suburb. Eamonn let them in and Rob couldn’t help laughing when he
saw the birthday boy had been kitted out in a crisp white shirt and
a paisley waistcoat for the occasion. The purple didn't go too well
with his red-setter hair, but Eamonn was far too cheery to care. He
pumped the hands of the newcomers, pointed to where they could toss
their coats, and waved a hand towards the kitchen.

“
It's all in there, just
grab whatever's handy.”

Rod nodded and handed over his
last-second gift (a gift voucher from a sports shop) and dragged
Eoin with him into the living room so they could have a good look
around. There were about ten people in there, most of them sitting
around the coffee table. The curtains were drawn and the lights
were on, which was an attempt, Rob guessed, to prevent the weather
outside from ruining the mood too much.

The Swedes in the room all
seemed a bit reserved but Rob knew after a few drinks they'd open
up and start speaking English and turn into great and trusting
friends. Then they'd be exactly as reserved the next time he saw
them, as if the party had never happened at all. It was strange but
it was Sweden and Rob was, by now, at least prepared for it.

Andy was there too, his bald
head shining in the lights as if he'd recently shaved it (or
polished it). As soon as he spotted them he strolled over and
pumped first Eoin's hand and then Rob's.

“
So,” he said. “I heard
your project went south. Someone beat you to it?”

“
Yeah, well good ideas
swirl around until some bollix grabs 'em, and this time it was some
other bollix than us. But plans are still afoot.”

“
Another brilliant
scheme? And why not indeed. Well gentlemen, allow me to show you to
the food and refreshments. This way.”

They followed Andy to the
kitchen where they were presented with paper plates and a variety
of food to pile upon them. Rob wasted no time in familiarising
himself with the comestibles on offer, stuffing an item into his
mouth for every item that went on his plate.

“
This is some spread,” he
said, speaking through a mouthful of cocktail sausage. “Who fixed
it?”

“
Eamonn's workmates, I
believe,” Andy said. “I wasn't expecting this level of catering,
given that Eamonn usually seems to subsist on beer and other
people's peanuts.” He took a sip from his wine and wiped away the
glistening red drops that remained on his moustache. “Look, I was
in the middle of a conversation with a nice lady out there and I
should get some closure on that. See you in a bit.”

Rob and Eoin finished filling
their plates and made their way back to the living room. They found
a nice corner to stand in, from where they could watch the room and
its inhabitants. Rob chewed as he scanned the females, wondering if
any of them might be something for him or, failing that, something
for Eoin. He glanced at Eoin, who was all frowny, obviously still
worrying about his kid. Oh all right then, he'd give Eoin first
crack, it was only fair. He'd probably fail anyway, and then Rob
could sweep them up with a clear conscience.

“
Right Eoin, down to
work. That one”—he pointed with a cocktail stick topped by a chunk
of cheese—“is Oskar from the bandy team's bird, so off-bounds
there. That one beside her with the bright red lips and the black
hair I've seen before, but I don't remember who she is. So I'm
guessing, a friend of Oskar's bird? Andy's looks like he's into
her, though, so skip that one for the moment. And the other
ones”—he gestured at the three remaining females in the room—“are
wild cards, an unknown quantity, and the place to start. So who's
catchin' yer eye?”

Eoin looked uncomfortable as he
nibbled a chicken wing. “I'm not sure I'm going to make an effort
tonight. With the women, I mean—”

“
What?” Rob said, as if
Eoin had announced he was going to get his nipples pierced, or
possibly removed entirely. “Why the hell not? It's a
party—”

“
Well actually I'm kind
of seeing somebody.”

Rob gaped. “Yer what? Seein'
somebody? What, like a girlfriend?”

“
No, it's not a
girlfriend, just, well, sometimes—”

“
Eoin,” Rob said sternly,
“just fuckin' tell me or I'll have to slap it out of ye. Who is
it?”

“
It's Anja.”

“
Anja,” Rob said, as his
mental cogs spun. “Anja … Oh right, the one from the park? The
friend of what's-her-name? So yer fuckin' her? All this time, just
fuckin' away?” He delivered a cheery punch to Eoin's shoulder.
“Fair play Eoin! How long's that been goin' on then?”

Eoin looked around, clearly a
bit embarrassed about the whole thing. “A couple of weeks. Since,
well, the first date.”

“
You fucked her on the
first date?” He rubbed an imaginary pointy beard as he studied
Eoin. “Well now, Mr. Kelliher—”

“
Who's fucking who?” Andy
said, appearing next to Eoin. He was holding a paper plate piled
high with chicken wings and wearing a look of innocent curiosity.
Rob glanced over to where Andy had been standing previously, and at
where he was standing now, and considered the distance between
those two locations.

“
What, could ye hear that
from way over there? Over the music and everything?”

“
No man, I read lips.
Well, not really, but I can sure as hell pick up the word 'fucking'
from a mile off. So, once again, who is fucking whom?”

Rob, although bursting to
divulge the news, realised that he couldn't since it wasn't his
news to be divulging. He nodded to Eoin in what he hoped was an
encouraging manner. Eoin sighed and related how he'd accidentally
charmed Anja into his bed while trying to scare her off.

“
But,” he added, “I'm not
sure I want to go on doing it—”

“
Why?” Andy said. He
leaned in closer. “Is she hideously flawed in some unforgivable
way? It's okay, tell me, I can take it. Is she?”

“
No, no, it just
doesn't feel right—”

“
Wait, ye don't want to
be shaggin' her?” Rob was afloat in a sea of confusion. “But why
not?”

“
Because I'm not into
her,” Eoin said desperately. “I'm into her friend, and if I want to
get her friend, I can't very well be screwing her, can I? And
anyway, if I stop seeing her now, then she'll—”

“
Whoa there big boy,”
Andy said, raising a hand. “I get it now, I see your conundrum. But
think, even if you do drop this girl, what's to say the other one
is worth it? You don't even know if she's interested. A bird in the
hand is worth two on the web. Say, that's not a bad phrase, I
should put it on my dating profile.”

“
Well,” Eoin said, “I do
have some idea that she likes me.” He plucked a piece of fruit from
his punch glass and munched on it. “I've been mailing her from a
fake account on Diamond Date—”

“
Sweet!” Andy said.
“Somebody’s been listening to my advice, who would have thought
that? However, let me warn you Eoin, this is a very tricky game,
the ghost profile manoeuvre. And it's not actually meant to be used
to charm a girl, you do know that? It's just used to spy on people,
or to irritate then hugely.”

Rob was watching this exchange
with a tingle of amazement. He had never suspected these depths of
intrigue in Eoin and felt suddenly quite proud of him.

“
Well,” Andy went on,
“either way, now you've now got this girl’s attention with your
ghost account. So you need a plan to meet her in reality and break
the news that you're not who you say you are. What's the cover?
Crippling shyness? Plastic surgery? Evil twin?”

Eoin waved a hand in
irritation. “Look, I don't know, just ask me later about that, it's
all too annoying right now. First I have to get myself away from
Anja, that's step one.”

“
You could,” Rob said
with a shrug, “just stop fucking her?”

“
Well of course, but how?
I can't end up looking like a dick, because she will go tell Maria
and then suddenly I'm officially a dick forever. I suppose I could
just ignore her, be a bit of an arsehole, and hope she gets the
hint. Of course, I tried that and she just ended up liking me
more.”

“
Well then it's not that
complicated,” Rob said. “If she likes arseholes then just show her
the real Eoin and bore her to death!”

Andy nodded. “I am in total
agreement. Start buying her flowers and sending cute text messages
at all the wrong times. If she likes bad boys, you’ll just have to
be so nice she won't be able to stand you!”

Eoin looked unsure but Rob was
happy to make up his mind for him. “It's decided then. Eoin
smothers her with love and gets shut of her. Then he gets in with
this other bird—”

“
Actually her name is
Maria,” Eoin said.

”
I'm sure it is,” Rob
said. He frowned at his empty glass. “Look, just go with the plan
and keep us informed of yer progress, we'd all love to hear it. Now
however I do believe it's time to wet some whistles. Don't go
away!”

They left Eoin standing in the
corner and made their way to the kitchen where they stocked up on
beers and snacks. When they returned to Eoin his eyes were wide and
he was straining to say something. Rob waved a hand in front of his
face.

“
What's the problem, ye
have a stroke or something?”

“
No, it's just that I've
worked it out! Who will listen to the tape and work out where Karen
is. It fixes everything else too!” He explained what he was
thinking and Rob nodded.

“
Well 'everything' it
doesn't fix, but yeah it sounds like a fine idea. But you know me,
I'll agree to anything at a party.” He shoved a fresh beer at Eoin.
“But now, on to more important things. Cheers!”

When the party had heated up
Andy decided, with great ceremony, to unveil his present to Eamonn.
It was a six-month deluxe account on Diamond Date. Eamonn gave a
weary grin as Andy ushered him into the seat in front of the
computer where he sat down to a smatter of drunken applause.

“
I've already fixed your
profile,” Andy announced. “Feel free to change it if you want, but
I guarantee you this is pure gold, a lifetime of tips all distilled
into one perfect dating profile. It's only been up three days and
already two women have mailed you, see? You just can't go
wrong!”

“
Well,” Eamonn said as he
studied his profile with trepidation. “I usually prefer to meet
birds live, you know—”