Erotic Refugees (22 page)

“
Exactly,” Andy said,
“and just see how well that's going for you. Just give it a try,
see what happens. If it doesn't sharpen your pencil, well, no harm
done, and you can just go back to grabbing the nearest vertical
female at the bar when they turn up the lights, okay?”

Eamonn nodded and cracked his
fingers noisily. “Right, how d'ya read these messages? Where's the
bluddy read button?”

People drifted away from the
computer as Disco 2000 came on the stereo. A few brave souls even
ventured out onto the two free square metres of floor where they
started dancing. Rob and Eoin shuffled closer to the computer and
watched in amusement as Eamonn fumbled his way around the site.

“
Then you click on her
name and go right to her profile,” Andy said. “And there she is,
the lady of your dreams!”

Eamonn studied the blurry
photograph. “I dunno, she's a bit chunky, isn't she? You can't see
much of her, and them arms don't look very small.”

“
Yeah,” Andy said as he
leaned closer and squinted at the screen. “I think we may have a
BTA on our hands. Let's try the other one.”

Eamonn gave Rob a puzzled look.
“A BT-what?”

“
Fucked if I know,” Rob
said. “Andy, what are ye on about now?”

“
A BTA, man! Bigger Than
Advertised! A lady trying to show herself off in a flattering way
to hide the fact that she's on the large side. And you won't find
out about it until you show up for the date where she thinks it
magically won't matter that she’s lied to you.”

“
Like Rebecka,” Eoin said
with a slight slur to his words. “Now there was a definite BTA if
ever I saw one!”

“
Oh there’s many of them
out there,” Andy said. “The ladies will lie about their girth, and
we have to be prepared for that. They may not think they are lying,
just showing themselves as they really are while they wait for
their temporary larger state to recede. But lying it
is.”

“
This profile stuff is
crap,” Eamonn announced as he squinted at the screen. “I mean,
there's nuthin' you really want to know here. Like, does the bird
give good head, or has she got firm tits, or if she'll pay for her
own fucking dinner or land you with the bill. I mean, who gives a
shit what her favourite bloody band is or what kind of feckin'
holiday she likes—”

“
Precisely,” Andy said.
“But that's all valuable hard-won information you can only get by
blowing a wad of cash and investing a few weeks of your
life.”

“
Bollox to that,” Eamonn
said. “Isn’t there somewhere you can find this stuff out? I mean,
if the girl is a BTA, and what she'll let you do to her, or
whatever. Now that I'd pay money for!”

Eoin inhaled as if he had been
punched in the ribs. He grabbed Rob's arm, causing Rob to turn and
stare at him with a look of concern.

“
He's right,” Eoin
spluttered. “He's completely right! There should be somewhere you
can go to look that up, all the women from Diamond Date and all the
other dating sites! Just like a review page, with hints, grading,
icons, everything! See what your prospective dates are really like
before you even meet them!”

Rob's gaze wandered off to the
side and his eyes defocused. Then he grinned and slapped Eoin on
the back.

“
Fucking genius Eoin. Cos
that's it, that's the whole bloody site right there!”

“
Are you planning to do,”
Andy said eagerly, “what I really hope you're planning to
do?”

“
We sure bloody well
are!” Rob said. “Who would have thought that Eamonn had it in him
to think up something like that? A date review site! Ye just log
in, put in the girl's username and the dating site she's from, and
it's all there for yer perusal. Her secrets, her smell, how hairy
her legs are, everything her old dates have said about her. Fat
girl, or short girl, a fuckin' star at hand-jobs, everything you
want to actually know but the other sites won't tell
you!”

“
I'd join that,” Eamonn
said. “In a second, I would. Better than readin' this
shite!”

“
And why not for men too?” Rob
said, getting into his stride. “Small dick, or good kisser or bad
breath? A big gentleman or a married lying cheating bastard who’ll
just toss ye out with the empties in the morning?”

“
It's perfect,” Eoin
said. “It's simple to make and controversial enough to advertise
itself for free. And you know the best thing? It'll irritate the
hell out of those people at Diamond Date who stole my
drop-down!”

Rob beamed and slapped Eoin on
the back. “Now I'm not one to exaggerate, but I must say this is
the single best idea ever. And d'ye know how I know that?” He
jabbed Eamonn's shoulder with a finger. “Because of this man here!
A man whose pockets ye'd usually have to prise open with a crowbar
says he’d happily pay to join up. And if we can get Eamonn here to
part with his cash, well then we know we've come up with a fuckin’
winner!”

Rob stepped to the side, gave a
little bow and patted the computer monitor.

“
Ladies and gentlemen!”
he announced. “Please allow me to introduce to you—the fucking
Internet dating H-bomb! Roll up and give us yer money, ye wonderful
sad lonely bastards!”

Chapter
23

On Monday it wasn't raining and
Eoin had plans. First he handed Damien over to Jenny at a park in
town. That went without a hitch for once and it put him in a good
mood. As did the unexpected spears of sunshine that poked through
the clouds as he headed over the bridge into the Old Town.

Alice was waiting for him in
the ancient stone basement of the café he’d picked. When she looked
up from her book Eoin gave a wave, followed by a deep breath, and
made his way to her table. Alice allowed him the barest of hugs,
not enough of a hug to say he was forgiven, but definitely enough
to show she was prepared, at some point, to consider it. Eoin
hugged her back and sat down.

“
So Rob's sister is
missing?” Alice said to him before his behind had touched the
chair. “Shouldn't you call the police? Or maybe you've gone mad and
you think I am the police, is that it?”

“
No, no,” Eoin said. “I
admit it does sound a bit odd, but didn't I explain it in my
message?”

Alice snorted. “Your 'message'
was like a Lynch movie. You want me to read it back to you? Wait, I
have it here.”

Eoin waved a hand in annoyance.
“Forget it. I wrote it at a party, and it seemed pretty clear to me
then, but I guess it wasn't.”

He noticed that Alice had done
something with her hair. Shorter, different shape, different
colour? He never really could tell. The exact details of women's
hair floated past him on some other plane, forever beyond his
understanding. The rest of her, thankfully, was similar to before.
Along with a pair of slim designer jeans she wore a white
open-collared blouse with one of those mini-cardigans in mustard
yellow that tied just under her breasts. Eoin tried very hard not
to look there as leering was the last thing he needed right
now.

But he was without a doubt very
happy to see her.

“
So tell me what's so
important with this sister that it dragged me away from my
substantial packing.”

Eoin quickly explained about
Karen. Towards the end of his explanation his gaze fell upon
Alice's toast and the sticky strings of cheese attached to it. His
stomach gave a pitiful gurgle.

“
Look, I have to go
order. Back in a minute.”

He slipped around the table and
hurried upstairs where he grabbed the most decent-looking
pre-wrapped sandwich on offer, along with a mug of basic black
coffee. Balancing the tray he made his way back down to the
candle-lit stone vault. He sat down and ripped off the plastic.

“
Mmm,” he said, with a
mouthful of sourdough and Brie. The world seemed a little better.
“So, what do you think? About Karen, I mean.”

Alice took her knife and with
it she lifted the top of Eoin's sandwich and studied its contents
in silence. She allowed the lid to drop back into place.

“
Eoin,” she said, “why
did you need this stupid excuse to call me?”

Eoin swallowed his bolus of
food and his ball of anxiety with a pained gulp. “It's not a stupid
excuse. Wait, look here.” He rummaged in his bag and produced an
ancient MP3 player with headphone wires wound tightly around it.
“Here’s the recording, you just need—”

“
Eoin,” Alice said again,
cutting him off with elegance. “You leave a lady's apartment in the
middle of a heated argument, and you don't call her again. That's
just not on. What did you think you were doing?”

“
But,” Eoin said, staring
at the twisted wire. “You told me to go—”

“
Well of course I told
you to go! But if you actually just go every time a woman commands
you to, you won't be holding on to any of them for very long, will
you? I wanted to storm back out of the bedroom and have another go
at you, and then we'd work it out. Maybe some more shouting, maybe
not, but that's the way these things are supposed to happen. And
not with one person just fleeing the premises and going
underground. Oh please, here, just give me that damn thing or
you'll have the wire all twisted and it won't be any good to
anybody.”

She snatched the player from
him and began to unwind the wire, guiding it through confounding
knots with ease. Eoin bit off some more sandwich and chewed it as
he watched her. He never could deal with knots, he just didn't have
the patience for them. Alice, however, worked steadily and soon
they were all unravelled.

As soon as she'd popped in the
ear buds Eoin pressed the play button. Alice listened to about
fifteen seconds of the recording before taking off the headphones
and placing them down on the table.

“
I realise the quality
isn't the best,” Eoin said, “but keep going, it gets a bit clearer
towards the end. I thought maybe if you listened to the whole
thing—”

“
She's in Copenhagen. I
can hear Spanish and English and Danish in the background, but they
announce Nørreport subway station and that's in Copenhagen. Mystery
solved.” She wound the wire around the player, tucked in the ear
buds and slid it back across the table to Eoin. “And what's been
happening with you?”

Eoin was surprised but pleased.
Perhaps Alice could solve all of his problems as fast as she’d
solved that one. He glanced at her slyly, wondering if he should
tell her about Anja. That whole situation was, after all, one good
reason why he had wanted to meet up with her again, and it was
definitely something that had been “happening”. But, on second
thoughts, maybe now wasn't the right time.

“
I saw that,” Alice said.
“That little glance. You're fretting, and there’s something on your
mind. Something juicy too I'd guess.” She leaned closer and lowered
her voice. “So come on, just tell me. I came all the way here so I
might as well get something for it, right?”

Eoin nodded. “Well, okay then.
I followed your advice. I met up with Anja a few more times.”

“
Good!” She beamed and
patted his hand on the table. “There's a good student! And did you,
well, you know…?”

Eoin nodded. “Well, yes. Right
away.”

“
What?” She reached for
the MP3 player. “Where's the record button on this thing? This I
want to save. Come on, say it again—”

Eoin wrested the player from
her grip and stuffed it into his bag. Alice studied his face and
after a moment she frowned.

“
Hmmm, you don't look
happy. What possible part of this story can make you unhappy? Is
Anja forcing you to do bad things you don't want to do? Latex, or
voodoo, or what?”

“
No, it's just
she's”—Eoin shrugged—“the wrong girl.”

Alice glared at him. Eoin, in
an attempt to avoid that glare, shifted his gaze from her to the
curved wall of the cellar behind her, and then to the trio of
teenage girls at the next table over who were rabbiting away in
Swedish, talking non-stop but saying essentially nothing at
all.

He shifted his gaze back, and
there was that glare again.

“
The wrong girl?” she
said. “I thought the wrong girl was the one who won't have you?
Surely all other girls can be considered right girls? Or am I
missing something? Or”—she grinned—“was there something else you
were hoping I'd drag out of you…?”

Eoin felt an idea pop into his
head and he went with it.

“
How about we make a
deal,” he said. “I tell you, but first you tell me about Andy.”
Alice's face grew a little darker, but Eoin persevered. “Since we
are friends, and I tell you everything. I think it’s only fair that
you do the same.”

Eoin watched her carefully, not
sure if he'd pushed her too far. She extended her right hand and
laid it flat upon the table. She studied it for a while and allowed
the silence to stretch on. Eoin matched her silence, not daring to
move. After a painfully long moment she took a deep breath, as if
she were about to plunge into icy cold water, and started to
talk.

“
You can be really
annoying when you get obsessed, Eoin. But sure, I’ll tell you. I
saw Andy a couple of years ago. We met online. And I was married at
the time.” Eoin made a noise to indicate he was about to comment
but she raised a hand to cut him off and kept on talking. “And he
did something really stupid that he shouldn't have done, which led
to the breakdown of my marriage.”