Erotic Refugees (33 page)

Rob swung by the other end of
the buffet table and grabbed a couple of sandwiches. He cornered
two guests and invited them to tell him about their beta-testing
experiences. He listened intently as they talked, and laughed at
their jokes, and fixed new drinks for them when they seemed to
require them. By the end of the ten minutes they seemed to believe
they were as interesting as Rob pretended to find them. And that,
he figured, was the point of the whole evening.

Very loud music blared out for
a moment and stilled all conversation. “Sorry!” Eamonn yelled from
behind the podium where he sat fiddling with a smartphone and a
speaker system. The volume faded to a background level and the
conversation got going again.

Rob found Eoin. “What was that
shite music?”

Eoin grinned. “I do believe it
was Air Supply!”

“
Air Supply!” Karen said,
swinging in from the right bearing a tray of smoked-salmon
sandwiches. “Brilliant. Just the right level of
cheesiness!”

“
If ye say so,” Rob said.
“I just hope we don't make everyone leave. Ah, there's a bunch for
me now. Keep up the good work, people!”

He headed off to intercept a
group of four people who'd just appeared at the door. And as he
passed through the crowd he saw the talk was flowing, the drinks
were going down and the punters were laughing. Rob had the unusual
feeling that for once, things might actually be turning out
according to plan.

And why wouldn't they? Surely,
after all the bad luck he'd had, the universe owed this one. Just
this one night where everything went his way and there were no
nasty surprises. That couldn't be too much to ask for. Could
it?

Chapter
35

Eoin watched as Rob positioned
himself at the podium and clinked his glass with a fork. This was
it then, the moment when all their hard work would pay off, or else
collapse around them in a sad pile. He shuffled to the left of the
podium, ready to field any questions Rob couldn't handle. He was
incredibly grateful, grateful beyond measure, that he wasn't the
one standing behind it and about to turn on the charm.

Rob, with seventy slightly
tipsy people staring at him, cleared his throat and started to
talk. “It's alright if I do this in English? Since I’m a foreigner
and right lazy.”

There came a spattering of
nervous laughter which Rob seemed to take as a yes.

“
Well,” he said, “it's
nice ye could all make it. So this is Dating Dirt and the whole
idea is quite simple. I mean, ye wouldn't buy a car or a camera or
even a toaster based on what the manufacturer says, right? And so
why try and find a partner in the same way? Doesn't make any sense,
does it? But what a person says on their dating profile just has to
be accepted as fact. There's no place to go for advice, or tips, or
even a second opinion. Or at least there wasn't … until
now!”

Eoin watched Rob tap a key on
his laptop, causing the projected logo on the wall to change into
the first page of the site. There was some more applause and he
quickly scanned the crowd as Rob gave a bow behind the podium. He
was relieved to see the audience were paying attention. Hopefully
even enjoying it. So far so good.

He was also watching out for a
certain tall lady to make her appearance, and wondering what the
hell would happen when she did.

“
Many of ye have seen
this already,” Rob went on. “But I'll give a quick summary for the
others, who braved the cold to come out tonight.” He turned around
and drew a ring with a laser pointer. “Right, we'll start
here.”

Eoin spotted movement by the
door and swallowed. It was Alice. She gave a quick wave when she
caught his eye and peeled off her jacket to reveal a dress so pink
and glittery it looked like bubblegum rolled in sequins. Ellinor
was showing her where to hang her jacket while Eoin looked
frantically around, trying to locate Andy.

So far the plan had been a
success, as they were both in the same room. But now there was no
more actual plan, and Eoin realised that he'd just have to wing it.
And if there was one thing Eoin knew he didn't do well, it was
winging it.

“
And ye can see how easy
it is to register,” Rob was saying. “Just three fields, and there
we are—a new user, all ready to read the gossip about his
date!”

Eoin spotted Andy filling a
plate by the buffet table. All that separated him from Alice was a
knot of people. She was moving forward, skirting the other side of
the crowd but it wouldn't be long until they saw each other and the
bomb went off. Eoin looked around in desperation, wondering if
there were sprinklers, and then wondering what the hell he'd do
with them if there were. The winging-it, he realised, was not going
very well, and the ground was approaching at a fearsome speed.

“
We'll pick this little
lady here, Sunflower4,” Rob said, “and see her stats. She's a
looker alright, four people have given her thumbs up, so not a bad
start.”

Eoin knew he should dash out,
intercept Alice and explain the situation. But he couldn't because
he was needed at the podium in case somebody asked a question that
Rob couldn't answer. Or worse yet, a question Rob tried to answer
in a half-arsed way and ended up blowing the entire thing. So Eoin
was stuck where he was, and could do nothing but watch the disaster
on the floor unfold.

“
And it's not just for
men,” Rob was saying. “The ladies probably have more reason to
check the dark history of their dates than the guys do. See this
icon, for example.” A quick snatch of snoring came from the
speakers and a few actual laughs came from the audience. “And what
lady doesn't want to know how a man sounds in the sack before
getting him in it, right? Well now they can.”

At that moment Alice spotted
Andy, and Andy spotted Alice. They shared quite a brief look before
Alice turned to stare accusingly at Eoin. The penny had dropped,
and it didn't take long for a similar penny to drop for Andy. He
turned around and added his glare to Alice's. Eoin felt himself
shrivel up under so much glare. The winging-it had officially
failed, and now everything was about to go tits-up.

Alice crossed the room and came
to a halt in front of Andy. They talked for a moment, but she
seemed strangely calm, not angry at all. Andy, likewise, was
keeping his composure and Eoin strained to hear what they were
saying over the noise of the Rob's presentation. What the hell was
happening down there?

Rob kept on talking. “And this
icon here, with the little elephant … well, ye can probably guess
that's not good. That's our BTA warning flag. BTA of course stands
for 'Bigger Than Advertised' and I'm sure anyone who's been on an
Internet date can work out what that means. Unless ye've been lucky
as hell up to now!”

Alice turned to Eoin. With an
angry gesture she stabbed at her watch and pointed towards the
small kitchen in the back corner. Eoin nodded in understanding. He
would meet her there when Rob was done, and should prepare to have
his fingers broken. Then, with Andy beside her, she made for the
kitchen. Eoin shook his head—what the hell was going on with those
two?

“…
so if ye want to
buy a book, go to Amazon,” Rob was saying, nearing the end of his
presentation. “But if ye want to find a partner, somebody to hold
onto forever, well then come on down to Dating Dirt!”

He produced a length of red
ribbon and wrapped it around his laptop. “And now,” he announced,
“our graphics designer, my very own lovely sister, will do the
honours!”

Karen sidled up, effortlessly
drawing the eye of every man in the room. She took the scissors,
gave a curtsey, and cut the ribbon. Eoin and Milly started clapping
and shortly the whole audience were clapping along with them. Rob
took the scissors and gave Karen a grateful nod.

“
That's me done,” Rob
said from the podium. “Now go try the site for yerself at the
computers we've put out. Plus there's food and there's booze and we
have this place until eleven, so feel free to amuse yerselves in
any way that’s legal. And if any of that wine's left over let's
just say we'll be very annoyed. Won't we Karen?”

Karen gave them a dangerous
look. “We sure will.”

The crowd broke up, muttering
happily as they spread out towards the food and drink tables. Eoin,
with massive relief, turned to Rob.

“
Nice job, I think they
all got the idea. Look I'll be back in a minute, I have to talk to
somebody. You should fix yourself a drink.”

“
A drink is it?” Rob
fixed him with a manic grin. “No, I don’t want a bloody drink, I
want them all. Hurry on back man, we have a party to whip
up!”

Eoin nodded and set his sights
on the kitchen door, wondering exactly what manner of tempest
awaited him inside.

“
Again,” Eoin said. “Take
it again, the short version this time.”

“
Look, it's very simple,”
Alice said. She was sitting at the kitchen table with Andy sitting
beside her. Eoin was standing in front of the table, staring at
them both in bewilderment.

“
The reason I wanted you
to give up your little crusade about Andy and me is that we're
already seeing each other.”

Eoin frowned and bit his lip.
Nope, it just wasn’t helping.

“
But you were … I mean,
before…”

“
I know Eoin,” Alice
said, as if giving instructions to a very stupid dog. “But when you
brought Andy back into my life I realised you were right. That I
should see him and patch things up.” She smiled. “And well, it
turned into a bit more than patching up.”

Eoin looked from her to Andy
and back again. He sat down and shook his head, beginning to feel
like a bit of an idiot.

“
Right. But, like … why
didn't you tell me?”

“Well we planned to, eventually, in our own
time. But then you came sniffing around,
trying
to fix something that was already fixed. And there was tonight,
getting us both to lie and pretend on all those levels. I mean, I
knew Andy was coming, because he’d told me, so I spotted your
brilliant plan right away. But then I had to pretend to not know,
and work out what to do when we saw each other here. And well”—she
leaned back in her chair and shook her head—“madness.”

Eoin nodded. “So how
long…?”

“
Since that evening you
stormed away from my apartment. I realised then you might be right.
And, well, you were, and here we are.”

Eoin studied them both and felt
a sudden flush of warmth. So he’d actually done it! He’d got two
confused lovers back together again! They sat there before him,
Andy with a warm grin on his face, and Alice looking happier than
he’d ever seen her. It definitely seemed that his plan, although by
accident, had actually worked.

Now all he had to do was
discover how to fix his own love life, and the world would be a
great place indeed.

Chapter
36

Rob had the red wine in his
sights but Milly caught up with him just as he was lifting the
bottle.

“
Nice talk Rob, but I
need your help. There's a situation at the door.”

“
Really, like a
gate-crasher?” Rob looked pleased. He put the bottle down and
strained to see over the heads of the guests. “Some kind of
argy-bargy? Or is it that Linus guy?”

“
Worse. A woman looking
for you, by name.” She cupped his ear with a hand and whispered.
“She says you knocked her up.”

Rob stopped breathing as a
chill exploded through his body. He gaped at her with raw terror
and it didn't take long for Milly to burst out laughing.

“
Oh I'm so sorry Rob, I
couldn't help it, you were just wide open for that one. She's not
pregnant, really, she isn't. But there is a woman waiting, I
promise. Go on, I'll be mingle master for a while!”

Rob, still muttering about
Milly's bad joke, found Ellinor standing by the door with her arms
folded. She looked small and tough, like some arse-kicking marine
from a space film. And standing just outside the door, wearing a
red coat and black beret, was Kajsa.

For the second time in less
than a minute, Rob found himself speechless.

“
Rob. I just came to tell
you something—”

His heart sank. Well, this had
to be it then. Kajsa was the snitch, how else would she have known
about the party? He was surprised by the depths of his own
disappointment. Damned Kajsa, standing there all red and curvy and
guilty. What a bloody waste.

“
My brother Linus, he's
in your party.”

Rob shook his head. “No, we've
been looking out for him. He's not in there. And how would you know
that anyway?”

“
I heard him talking on
the phone about it. Somebody tipped him off about your project and
he's here to make trouble. He likes making trouble.”

“
Oh,” Rob said, with a
touch of confusion. Did that mean she was the snitch or not? He
wasn’t following.

“
So you didn't … I mean,
you weren't the one…”

Kajsa narrowed her eyes. “The
one who what?”

Rob's mouth opened of its own
accord and began to babble.

“
Well, I thought ye might
have told that brother of yours about our last idea, because he
nicked it. And that was okay, I was a bit of an arse, so ye were
well entitled to do it … except, well, ye didn't do it,
obviously…”

Kajsa glared at him, and Rob
realised it was probably time to shut up.

“
Look,” she said, “he's
in there somewhere. And I came all the way here to warn you,
because he's not up to good things. He's here to make trouble, and
you should probably find him.”