Ethan (Alluring Indulgence) (21 page)

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Had
it required more than fifteen minutes to get home from Moonshiners, Ethan
wasn’t sure he would’ve made it. He was a jumble of emotions. Anger and hate
were amongst the most prevalent that slid through his veins like sludge.

Add
that to the mixture of adrenaline and lust, and he was a complete fucking mess.
Between Sawyer standing up for him and Beau gearing up to do battle, he was
hardly able to contain all of the fury that raged war inside of him.

All
of this… because of him. He was the reason for the hate and the anger, the
bitterness and the nasty fucking words. Didn’t matter that his oldest brother
was bisexual, it all seemed to be centered on him.

He
fucking hated it. Hated that he had to hide, that he wasn’t free to live his
life or love who he wanted all because of the closed-minded assholes that lived
in this town. If he were smart, he’d have left long ago.

But
he couldn’t. Couldn’t bring himself to leave his parents or his brothers.
That’s not what a Walker did. Even if it was in an effort to protect them.

Did
that make him selfish? That he cared more for his family than what they had to
endure from the bigots who insisted on getting in their jabs?

Maybe.

Probably.

He
remembered watching Beau fall into step with his brothers to confront Jimmy’s
dumbass comment. Torn between lust and fear, Ethan hadn’t been able to think of
anything other than protecting Beau. Making sure he didn’t come face to face
with the nastiness that was Jimmy Reardon.

Not
to mention, he’d been hit right between the eyes with a bolt of lust so
powerful, he’d been surprised to find he wasn’t flat on the floor.

The
guy was hot as hell and when he moved in to defend Ethan – because Beau
would’ve been the only one other than Sawyer who could put two and two together
to realize that Jimmy had been talking to him, simply because Ricky had been
present – he hadn’t known quite what to do or think.

At
first, fear had lit him up like a roman candle. He had worried that Sawyer was
going to let go of the rage he’d bottled up inside over the incident from years
ago. And yes, it was Ethan’s fault because he had begged his brother not to say
anything to anyone. And to this day, Ethan knew he hadn’t. Sawyer was loyal
like that.

But
Ethan had also worried about Beau. Worried that he was going to say something
that would have the assholes turning on him. Ethan would much rather take the
brunt of their hate than for Beau to have to experience even an ounce of it.
But Beau hadn’t overreacted. He’d kept a lid on his anger although it was
palpable, right along with everyone else’s.

And
now, as Ethan pushed open his front door, the heavy wood slamming against the
wall behind it, he was full of rage. But more than that, he needed Beau. Was
anxious to see him again, to touch him, feel him, release all of the pent-up
anxiety on him because he knew Beau could handle it. Anything to help him
forget all of the memories that flooded him when he’d seen Jimmy. The sight of
Gavin’s older brother brought back the horror of that night, but worse, it
brought back memories of what had happened after. The event that no one spoke
about.

So
yes, Ethan needed Beau. He needed the distraction. As it was, Ethan had given
himself a pep talk, a very vivid reminder that what he and Beau shared was
nothing more than physical attraction and as happy as he’d been to see Beau at
Moonshiners, he had to remember that they couldn’t do public outings.
Especially not together.

This
was temporary. Lust induced. Only sex. Ethan was not falling for Beau. Didn’t
matter that he didn’t believe a fucking word he told himself. He didn’t have a
choice. It was in everyone’s best interest if Ethan remained on the periphery
of everyone’s thoughts. Tonight was evidence of how crucial it was for Ethan to
remember that. 

There
was no way he could give in to the other emotions that had made a prevalent
appearance when Beau had barreled his way into his life. As much as he wanted
to be that guy, he had to remember that the Jimmy Reardons and the Ricky
Dillingers of the world were out in full force, and the last thing Ethan wanted
to do was to drag his family’s good name, or Beau for that matter, through the
mud because of who he was.

As
it was, they already had to carry the weight of the resort and that lifestyle
that his brothers had indulged in. Strange how people were more accepting of
that than they were of him being gay.

The
knock on Ethan’s front door set off a hammer in his chest. His heart pounded,
the fury trickling through his veins like it was being fed intravenously.

His
stomach twisted, an all-out assault on his nervous system that made his hands
shake, his chest hurt.

“Open
the door, E.” Beau’s deep voice slipped through the barrier of the door and
penetrated something deep inside of Ethan.

 Despite
the personal demons he knew he would always face with the dawn of another day,
Ethan wanted to shut out the world behind his front door and cherish the time
he had with Beau tonight. It was all he should be thinking about.

Opening
the door, he tried to appear cool and collected, a skill he’d honed over the
years, but he knew he hadn’t succeeded as soon as Beau’s golden eyebrows
furrowed.

“Come
in,” he grumbled, taking a step back so Beau could enter.

When
Beau was inside, Ethan shut and locked the door before thrusting his hands into
his pockets to keep from grabbing the handsome man now standing in the
entryway.
Gotta play it cool, Walker.

“You
all right?” Beau asked as he dropped a duffel bag onto the floor at his feet, a
suspicious gleam in his dark brown eyes.

He
took a deep breath, let it out. Leaning back against the door, he let his head
thump against the wood, but even that pain didn’t slow the slow boil from the
anger.

“No,”
he finally said, opening his eyes to peer at Beau. “I’m not fucking all right.
I’ll never fucking be all right.”

What
the hell was wrong with him? This was Beau. He was supposed to be seducing him,
getting him naked and ravishing him while he had the chance, but he couldn’t
seem to get past the rage welling up inside of him.

Everything
seemed to be coming to a head. Between Blake’s comments last night, his own
insecurities over the way he feared Beau was handling him and now the
altercation tonight. He was losing the battle. His sanity was on the line, and
one more misstep and Ethan feared he would totally lose it.

Pushing
off the door, he started past Beau but was pulled up short. Beau’s hand was
firm, yet not painful, on his arm, but Ethan couldn’t contain his body’s
natural reaction. Spinning around, he shoved Beau hard.

Fuck.
What was wrong with him?

Before
he could apologize, he found himself up against the wall, his cheek pressed
against the sheetrock while Beau’s massive body crowded him from behind.

He
waited for Beau to lay into him, to tell him he wanted no part of the anger,
but that’s not what came. For long, silent seconds, they stood there, Beau
restraining him while he fought to breathe.

“I
get it,” Beau whispered, his lips pressing softly against his ear. “I’m not
here to fight you though.”

“You
get
what
?” Ethan snapped, twisting hard, but unable to escape Beau’s
uncompromising grip.

Beau’s
grip tightened on Ethan’s hands now clasped behind his back between them.

“I
get that you’re angry,” Beau said, his voice still smooth and steady,
completely the opposite of the turmoil raging inside of Ethan.

“How
the fuck can you be so calm? It doesn’t fucking bother you what they say? That
one day they could be saying that about you? That you could be the one they
target? You’ve never had the shit beaten out of you because you’re gay, have
you?” Ethan was practically yelling the words, the anger intensifying the more
he spoke.

He
didn’t give a shit that he was telling Beau things he swore he’d never tell
anyone.

“Is
that what happened to you?” Beau asked, his body pressing intimately against
him.

Ethan
sucked in air, tried to clear his brain, but he failed. His emotions were
strangling him to the point he thought he might choke to death from the weight
of them.

“Talk
to me, E.”

“Let
me go.”

“Not
gonna happen.”

The
knowledge that Beau wasn’t going to let up, he was there for the duration,
prepared to endure Ethan’s anger, had something loosening in his chest. The air
still rushed in and out of his lungs, and his heart still pounded like a
jackhammer in his chest, but the comfort came by way of Beau’s body against
his.

Beau
rested his forehead against the back of Ethan’s head and the gesture calmed him
like nothing else. When his hands loosened on Ethan’s wrists, he found himself
not moving, not trying to get away. Instead, he linked his fingers with Beau’s
and held on tight. This man was like an anchor, keeping him afloat in the dark,
deadly waters that threatened to suck him under. He didn’t want to go under.
Hell, he wanted to get out of the water forever, to walk in the sun, but that
didn’t seem to be an option.

“I’m
sorry you had to be there for that,” Ethan said as they stood there in silence.

Beau
stepped back, and the warm security of his body was ripped from him, making his
hands shake, but before he could build up the anger again, Ethan was being
turned so that he faced Beau fully.

“I’m
not. I want to be with you,” Beau said. “Shut up,” he snapped when Ethan
started to talk. “Let me finish.”

Ethan
knew he looked shocked, but he couldn’t help it.

“I
want to be with you. By your side. I don’t want us to have to hide, but I
understand. Doesn’t mean I agree with it, and it doesn’t mean I’ll do it
forever, but for now, I’m here. With you. Only you.”

Ethan
stared into mocha colored eyes that were so rich, so warm, he thought he might
lose himself in them for eternity.

“You
don’t know what you’re asking for,” he said when it was clear Beau was
finished.

“I
know exactly what I’m asking for. Never doubt me, E,” Beau stated with a hard
edge. “People often underestimate me. You shouldn’t.”

“So
what? You were willing to jump in there and get your ass handed to you just to
defend me?”

“Trust
me when I say, I won’t get my ass handed to me.”

Why
did the guy sound so sure of himself? It had happened to Ethan. Then again, it
had happened when he was just a kid. Young and stupid and unashamedly naïve.
Not anymore. He’d managed to erect that steel wall around his heart to keep
others out and to keep himself locked in.

“And
when you decide to talk to me, just know I’m here to listen.”

Ethan
stared back at Beau, all of the fight draining out of him completely. He didn’t
want to talk. He didn’t want to argue. He just wanted… to feel.
God, he just
wanted to feel.

A
brief head nod was all he could muster. After recalling what Beau had said to
him earlier – Beau’s extremely graphic description of the things they’d done
the day before, Ethan was having a difficult time concentrating on anything
else. And he welcomed the opportunity to forget everything that had just
happened at Moonshiners.

“I
don’t want to talk,” Ethan told him.

“Tell
me what you do want then,” Beau said, moving in closer until they were aligned
from knee to chest.

“You.
I want you. I want you to take my mind off of it all.”

“I
can do that,” Beau whispered, leaning in. “But I’m not going to be rough with
you. Not this time.”

Ethan
wasn’t sure he liked the sound of that. Rough, no-holds-barred sex was the
easiest way to wipe away all of the memories. If Beau was gentle and tender,
the way they had been the first time, Ethan wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep
himself distanced from him the way he needed.

“So
take it or leave it, E. You’ve got me. As long as you want me. But tonight I
want to take my time with you.”

Without
talking, mainly because he didn’t know what the fuck to even say, Ethan grabbed
Beau’s hand and led him to the stairs. It was his silent acceptance. He
couldn’t bring himself to say the words out loud, but he knew Beau understood.

Once
they made their way up the stairs, Ethan’s nerves kicked in full throttle, but
he didn’t falter as he led the way. He was pulled up short on his way to the
bed, and he turned to face Beau, confused.

“Not
yet. Shower first.”

“I
already took a shower,” Ethan argued, although he wasn’t against the idea of
showering with Beau. Maybe the heat of the water would loosen the rest of the
strain in his muscles.

“Don’t
argue with me, Walker,” Beau quipped with a sexy grin.