Etiquette & Espionage (36 page)

The remainder of the evening was rather anticlimactic. Neither Pickleman, government dandy, nor Pistons returned. Sophronia hoped she had set things up so that the two men would chase after the Pistons, and the Pistons, being wild young men out for a night of tomfoolery, would lead them on a merry chase. Mrs. Barnaclegoose made her excuses at a respectably early hour for a respectable lady, and no one—not even Dimity, who was looking—noticed that she had a mechanical sausage dog for a handbag. Petunia danced the last of the ball away with a succession of appropriate young men. Pillover danced with Sophronia and Dimity with gravitas, if not skill, although he was a head shorter at the very least. The lemonade was pronounced superior to the punch, and the cheese pie was not at all missed.

Monique de Pelouse spent the rest of the event in the best guest bedroom and insisted on a carriage being called for her in the wee hours of the morning. In the interest of his business concerns, a very worried Mr. Temminnick lent her his personal conveyance to catch the morning express train to London.

Upon discovering the burned-down gazebo and crushed lilac bushes, Mrs. Temminnick declared categorically that her youngest daughter must be responsible and thus still needed the benefits of finishing school and was not at all ready to return home. She noticed that Sophronia had emerged a politer, more mannered, and stylish young lady, but she had also emerged covered in cheese pie. Clearly Mademoiselle Geraldine’s still had work to do, and as they were willing to keep
Sophronia on, she was most certainly willing to be parted from her youngest daughter.

Sophronia pretended to be most upset at the idea of continued exile, although she was secretly delighted. She packed with far greater care this time around, including her riding crop, three steel lug bolts, and a small dissection knife among the hand-me-down dresses her mother insisted on including and Dimity insisted they could easily “make over.” Sophronia considered the airdinghy; there was no way to keep it at school, although she al chsupposed the sooties might find one. Instead, she and Dimity deflated the balloons, lowered the sail, and convinced the builders to incorporate the remaining gondola and mast as a decorative element on the roof of the new gazebo. It disappeared seamlessly there, hidden in plain sight.

Dimity and Pillover stayed the length of the winter holidays. There were so many Temminnick c
hildren that Sophronia privately suspected her mother of not noticing the extras. Mrs. Temminnick was occ
upied with preparing Petunia for a London Season, her little country ball having garnered enough attention to warrant a mention in the
Morning Post
. It came as a relief to pa
ck her youngest daughter and associated compatriots back to what she could only surmise was a respectable finishing scho
ol that would hopefully rid Sophronia of her many manifest flaws.

Little did she know.

Sophronia returned to Mademoiselle Geraldine’s to find the prototype safely ensconced at Bunson’s and
already under reproduction, a commendation in her school record for unwarranted but well-executed fancy-dress operation maneuvers, and
Bumbersnoot waiting quietly in the sitting room with a note pinned to his buttocks.

“Next tim
e,” read the note, “please use a more genteel method of object transfer. There is ash all down my evening dress. Yours
, etc. Mrs. B.”

Sophronia patted her mechanimal on his head. “Nicely done, B
umbersnoot.”

Bumbersnoot belched a puff of steam in satisfaction and wagged his mec
hanical tail—tick-tock, tick-tock.

Th
e End

WELCOME

DEDICATION

LESSON 1: THE START OF BEING FINISHED

LESSON 2: BEWARE FLYWAYMEN, FOR THEY ARE ILL-DRESSED AND ILL-MANNERED

LESSON 3: HOW NOT TO MAKE INTRODUCTIONS

LESSON 4: THE CORRECT CONFIGURATION OF A FINISHING SCHOOL

LESSON 5: NEVER HURL GARLIC MASH AT A MAN WITH A CROSSBOW

LESSON 6: THE REAL MEANING OF FINISHING

LESSON 7: THE PROPER PLACE FOR SOOTIES

LESSON 8: THE TEACHING HABITS OF WEREWOLVES

LESSON 9: HOW NOT TO FLIRT

LESSON 10: THE CORRECT WAY TO GET CAUGHT

LESSON 11: ON THE IMPORTANCE OF PROPER DRESS

LESSON 12: PROPER COMMUNICATION IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS

LESSON 13: ATTACK OF THE FAN AND SPRINKLE

LESSON 14: ON INTERMINGLING THE CLASSES

LESSON 15: KEEPING PROPER RECORDS AND HOW TO STEAL THEM

LESSON 16: BREAKING, BURGLING, AND A PROPER BREAKFAST

LESSON 17: CONDUCTING ONESELF PROPERLY AT A BALL

COPYRIGHT

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

Copyright © 2013 by Tofa Borregaard

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ISBN 978-0-316-21521-3