Every Breaking Wave (22 page)

I reached down, picking up the tulip and then sat down on the bed as I reached for the note, unfolding it and staring down at the familiar handwriting.

Tonight when you go to sleep, remember that although I’m not with you, you’re always in my heart. -Jeremy

I must’ve read the note at least twenty times and each time I did, my heart ached a little more and a knot started to grow in my throat. I saw the tears splash onto the paper and I quickly wiped them away, folding the note and tucking it into the nightstand drawer. I laid the tulip on the pillow beside mine…the pillow he’d used. I flicked off the light so the room was dark and I crawled into bed, pulling the covers up tightly as I tried not to think of Jeremy getting further and further away from me as each mile ticked by on his odometer. That was impossible though. He was all I could think about and I prayed the dull ache in my heart wouldn’t get any worse as I tried to get past this and focus on my real life, which wasn’t going to wait for a wounded heart.

Twenty-Eight

Life wouldn’t wait for me to figure myself out. Twenty second graders demanded my attention and the moment the school day was over, my time was consumed with Noah and school work. While I sometimes felt as if I was drowning, I was grateful for the distractions because I wasn’t able to focus on the troubles of my personal life.

It’d been a couple of weeks since Labor Day. Jeremy and I still talked, but not every day and we hadn’t Skyped since he left. I missed seeing his face and the way he smiled when we talked. Now, I could only imagine the way he looked grinning at me during our conversations, if he was even grinning at all anymore. It was awkward between us when we spoke and I tried to ignore the pit in my stomach that told me things were changing and it was only a matter of time before it all fell apart.

I should’ve known when I got to Travers Cove I’d find some way to screw it up. I should’ve known whatever happiness I might find would be ruined by my ability to spoil just about anything, including the steak I was trying to cook for myself on the stove. No matter how hard I tried, I could never get it right. The kitchen was a cloud of smoke and I rushed to the window, opening it to let the late September air inside. The sound of coughing got my attention and I turned around to see Noah and Darren. Darren’s hand was waving back and forth in a futile attempt to clear the smoke and Noah couldn’t stop coughing.

“I thought the house was burning down,” Darren said before looking over to me. “But then I realized it must just be you attempting to cook a steak inside.”

“You don’t know that,” I said defensively.

“Yes, I do because you used to do it all the time when we were married.”

His face was plastered with an irritating smile and I rolled my eyes as he grabbed a large lid from the drawer and then walked over to the stove and attempted to dampen the smoke by covering the skillet.

“How many times do I have to tell you that steaks should only be cooked on the grill? Outside. In the open air.”

“Do you always have to be sarcastic?”

“Of course I do. My humor is what made you fall in love with me in the first place.”

I didn’t react. We hadn’t addressed the day he kissed me. We hadn’t had the chance. He’d left on a business trip a couple of days later and when I dropped Noah off at his apartment on Friday night, I didn’t stay and chat, claiming I had a movie to get to with a friend. I wasn’t sure if he bought it, but it kept me from addressing the situation. It didn’t surprise me he’d already used our time together to further his agenda.

“How was your weekend with Daddy?” I asked Noah, hoping to avoid Darren when in actuality I knew I should be addressing it head on and trying to figure out where we stood.

“Fine,” Noah said, but offered nothing else.

“You’re not going to eat that steak, are you?” Darren asked and I hoped my subtle glare was obvious.

“It’s perfectly fine. It’s not burnt. It’s just a little smoky in here.”

“A little? It’s like you’ve got a bonfire going on. Perhaps we should make some s’mores.”

“Shouldn’t you be heading home? I’m sure you’ve got something else to do other than gracing me with your presence.”

I made my voice extra cheerful, heavy with sarcasm that Noah wouldn’t pick up on, but Darren definitely would.

“Nope. Not a thing. How ‘bout we order a pizza actually. That steak looks a little well done.”

“Pizza? I want pizza!” Noah exclaimed and I knew I’d lost control of the situation. Just the mention of pizza meant my dinner plans were scrapped.

“Fine,” I huffed, picking up the skillet and dumping its contents into the trashcan, closing the lid forcefully and tossing the pan into the sink. “Order a pizza.”

I brushed quickly by Darren and went upstairs to use the bathroom. When I returned a few moments later, Darren and Noah were sitting together on the couch, both of their legs resting on the coffee table. They had just started
The SpongeBob Movie
and I sat myself on the loveseat.

“Pizza’s ordered. I got you Hawaiian.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, turning my attention to the TV screen until the doorbell rang a half an hour later.

Darren got up and took the pizzas from the delivery guy and then returned, setting the two boxes onto the coffee table. I started getting up to get plates, but Darren raised a hand in a gesture to stop me.

“I got this, Beth. Don’t get up.”

He walked out a second later and I sat back, listening to him fumbling in the kitchen, returning a few moments later with plates and napkins.

“What are you having to drink, Beth?” he asked.

“Water’s fine,” I answered and he disappeared, coming back with drinks for all of us and a few minutes later, we’d settled back into the movie while we ate.

I had to admit, the movie made me laugh, even if it was ridiculous. When it was over, it was past Noah’s bedtime and we decided to forgo a bath, opting instead for a face wash and teeth brushing. Darren and I tucked him in together, reading a story each before saying goodnight and making our way downstairs where I started picking up our paper plates and napkins. Darren joined me, gathering the pizza boxes and we walked into the kitchen where he began placing the leftover pizza into some Tupperware while I rinsed the dishes.

“I had fun tonight,” Darren said as we worked.

“Yeah. Noah seemed to enjoy it,” I answered and it grew quiet for a few seconds.

“What about you, Beth? Did you have fun hanging out as a family?”

I stopped scrubbing the plate I was working on and turned to look at him.

“Of course I enjoyed seeing Noah happy, but that doesn’t change anything with us.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. I thought I might be getting somewhere with you.”

“And what made you think that?” I asked, returning to the plate in my hand.

He grabbed a dish towel and started drying the dishes from the drain pan.

“I felt the way you kissed me back,” he said and I couldn’t stifle my laugh.

“You’ve obviously forgotten about the slap to your face I gave you as a result of that kiss.”

“There’s no way in hell I forgot about that. You left a mark. I had to tell the guys at work I ran into a door. I felt like a battered husband telling a lie like that. I couldn’t very well admit to being bitch slapped by my wife,” he laughed.

“Ex-wife,” I interrupted.

“I hate saying that.”

“You shouldn’t because it’s the truth.”

“I know it is,” he said quietly and the humor from a moment before was gone. “I really did have a great time tonight. I miss times like this. I miss spending time with you and Noah.”

“I sometimes do too,” I replied softly.

“People make mistakes, Beth, and I made the biggest mistake, but people can change. They can be sorry for their mistakes.”

“I know you’re sorry, Darren,” I said, rinsing the last glass and then grabbed a paper towel to dry my hands, sitting down at the table when I was done. “It still doesn’t stop the hurt of what you did to me and to Noah.”

He sat down next to me, hesitantly taking my hand with his for a few quiet moments until he spoke again.

“I know you’re still hurting,” he began softly, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb. “And I would give anything to stop you from hurting, but all I can do is try and show you that I’ve changed. I want you and Noah to be my number one priority. I want our family back.”

I heard his voice crack and when I met his eyes, I could see they were moist. He was on the verge of tears. Darren never cried. I’d only seen him cry when his father passed away, but here he was, sitting across from me, a broken man who was obviously still in love with me.

“Will you at least let me take you out? A first date if you will. You don’t have to guarantee me a second.”

I didn’t know what to say. My ex-husband had just asked me out on a date. I opened my mouth to say no, not in a million years, but I couldn’t get the words out. Noah was everything to me and this man across from me had given me that little boy. I’d loved him once so deeply it hurt and because of that, when he betrayed me, the hurt had been almost unbearable. That was a long time ago though. I was better now and my mind drifted for a moment to Jeremy, one of the main reasons I was okay again. Maybe the reason he’d come into my life was to help me heal and learn to trust again. Maybe now, I could begin to let Darren back in, even if it was just the smallest step.

“Okay,” I said softly and I think he was shocked at my response.

“Next Friday then. I’ll have my mom watch Noah.”

I nodded and he was smiling as he stood up, kissing me on the cheek before he walked out.

Twenty-Nine

“You’re nuts, you know that, right? Like certifiably insane.”

My sister’s voice continued to badger me through the receiver of my cell phone, which was lying on the bathroom sink on speaker phone while I finished getting myself ready.

“I’m not crazy, Amy,” I sighed as I placed another bobby pin into the updo I’d seen Reese Witherspoon wearing in a magazine that I was now trying to recreate. It wasn’t going well and I decided to give up, taking it down and leaving my hair in loose waves instead.

“You
are
crazy, Beth. You’re going on a date with Darren, Asshole of the Universe, while you’ve got a great man waiting for you.”

“He’s not waiting for me,” I mumbled.

“You know what I mean,” she snipped.

“Things are weird with Jeremy right now.”

“Because you’re making them weird! Put all of this Darren and reuniting to create the perfect little family again behind you and move on!”

She was nearly yelling into the phone and I couldn’t take her attitude anymore. I should never have even told her that Darren and I were going out. I should’ve known she’d react like this.

“Please just let me handle this my way,” I pleaded and I could hear her sigh through the receiver.

“I will not sit by and watch him hurt you again.”

She wasn’t yelling anymore. In fact, her voice was quivering and so quiet I almost didn’t hear her.

“Please don’t be upset, Amy,” I said gently. “I’m just going because I have to find out. I have to know that it’s truly over with Darren.”

She didn’t say anything for a while, but I could hear her breathing and I knew she hadn’t hung up.

“Just remember you deserve everything.”

I froze, thinking back to when Jeremy had said those exact words to me. I felt a lump forming in my throat as I thought of him and how much he loved me. I hadn’t told him I was going out with Darren. We hadn’t talked much actually and I thought maybe it was the beginning of the end for us. I held back the tears, not wanting Darren to pick me up with bloodshot eyes and mascara running down my face.

“I know,” I finally answered and then I hung up the phone, dabbing at my eyes with a tissue before touching up my make-up.

The doorbell rang just as I was finishing up and my heart started to pound, wondering how in the hell this whole night would turn out. I was nervous, like a girl on prom night. This wasn’t prom though. This wasn’t a blind date. This was my former spouse, the person who knew more about me than anyone on the planet, but for some reason, I couldn’t recall a time I’d ever felt so anxious.

I opened the door and saw him standing there, looking especially handsome. His black pants, gray dress shirt and matching tie, along with his perfectly styled hair made me recall why he’d captured my heart in the first place. He held out a bouquet of flowers and smiled. I could tell he was trying to come across as confident, but I could tell he was just as nervous as I was.

“Flowers?” I asked, taking them and inviting him inside.

“I didn’t get you flowers on our very first first date, yet another mistake I’m trying to rectify. Real gentleman always bring their ladies flowers.”

“Oh boy. Let me get my boots on because it’s getting deep in here,” I said and we both started laughing.

“Are you ready to go? You look fantastic by the way,” he said as his eyes traced over my body. I’d chosen a long white skirt and a bright pink blouse.

“I’m ready. Let me just put these in some water and then grab my pocketbook.”

I disappeared into the kitchen, quickly filling a vase with water and then after getting my purse, I rejoined him in the living room.

“Shall we?” he asked, opening the door and popping open his umbrella to shield me from the rain that had started falling a few hours before as he led me to his car. He opened the passenger side door and I climbed in.

“So,” I asked as we drove. “Where are we going?”

“I thought we’d keep it simple. Dinner and if you’re still able to tolerate me, there’s a concert in the park I thought we could check out.”

“Sounds nice,” I answered and then it was quiet as we drove.

Darren reached down and turned up the volume on the radio. I wasn’t surprised to hear The Script playing. They were one of my favorite bands and he used to tease me for listening to them so much. We’d argue in the car over music and he’d try and butter me up whenever we were having a disagreement by letting me listen to my favorite music. It didn’t surprise me that he would try this tactic tonight.

“You never voluntarily listen to The Script. I know what you’re doing, Darren,” I said and he glanced away from the road for a moment, grinning slyly at me.

“You can’t blame a guy for trying. I actually got a notification on my email that they’ll be in Boston at the House of Blues in December. Perhaps we could look into it.”

“That’s three months away. You’re being a little presumptuous, don’t you think?”

“I look at it as thinking positively,” he said and I couldn’t help the corners of my mouth curving into a slight smile from his persistence.

It wasn’t long before we were pulling in front
of Carmello’s, a little Italian bistro on Federal Hill. I’d never been there, but its location alone meant the food had to be good.

It was small inside. Cozy and intimate with low lighting and candles and fresh flowers on all the tables. After we were seated in the corner, the waiter came over with bread and water and then left us to check out the menus.

“I take it you’ve been here before?” I asked, gazing over the top of my menu at him.

“No. Some guys at work told me about it and I thought it was worth a shot.”

I nodded and returned my eyes to the menu. We decided on a bottle of Moscato and for dinner I ordered chicken parmesan while Darren chose the seafood alfredo. Once the order was placed, the silence settled in. I hadn’t expected it to be this awkward.

“So,” he finally began. “How’s the new school year? I remember how stressed out you always were.”

“It’s going fine. How’s your job going?”

“Good,” he said quickly and with a positive smile. “I actually got a promotion last month.”

“Congratulations,” I said, taking a sip of my wine.

“Thanks. It’s a pretty big deal.”

“Why didn’t you tell me then?”

“Because I didn’t think you’d care.”

I took another sip of wine and then set it down, looking at him quizzically.

“Of course I would’ve cared. Why do you think I wouldn’t have cared?”

“Why should you care? Not after the way I treated you.”

He sounded defeated, the guilt heavy in his voice.

“No matter what happened in the past, you’re still Noah’s father. I’ll always care about you.”

“I’m glad to hear that. After the separation, our conversations were always so quick.”

“I don’t think that was just my fault though. Are you aware there were times you called and you didn’t even begin the conversation with a greeting?”

“Sometimes I couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“The less I spoke to you, the better. It hurt not to be able to talk to you…to know every time I called, the formality of our exchanges is what we’d be doing for the rest of our lives. I figured the less I heard your voice, the better,” he sighed, reaching across the table hesitantly for my hand.

I watched as he held it for a moment. His touch was warm and familiar, but I gently pulled away a moment later, resting my hands in my lap instead. My gesture did not go unnoticed. I could tell he was hurt by it.

“Do you think Noah’s okay?” he continued when I didn’t say anything.

“He’s fine.”

“So, you don’t think we totally screwed him up?”

“Not totally,” I said, trying to laugh lightheartedly, but we both knew our son’s well-being wasn’t something to joke about.

“I worry about him,” Darren added. “I know kids are resilient, but I wonder about what our divorce will do to him in the long run.”

“You must think I’m really dumb, Darren.”

“Excuse me?”

“Stop using Noah to try and guilt me. I worry about him too. I worry about if this will mess him up or turn him into an asshole when it comes to women. I worry about Noah every second of every day. We both know Noah’s life would be better if you hadn’t had an affair and we were still together. That’s not up for debate. What we’re trying to figure out is if there’s even a chance that we can make this work. I’m trying to figure out if I can ever trust you again or if I even want to trust you again…mostly for Noah, but for me as well. So please, Darren,” I sighed. “Please stop using Noah.”

“Point taken,” he said and I was grateful the waiter returned with our food.

We ate quietly and I watched as Darren pieced at his alfredo more than actually eating it.

“I’m sorry for using Noah to get to you,” he said quietly after too long a silence. “I don’t know what else to do though. I fucked up and I don’t know how to unfuck it up. I’m going crazy here, Beth. I’m going crazy without you.”

He reached across the table, taking my hand and squeezing it fiercely. I could see the desire in his eyes, the way his gaze was piercing mine. The familiar gaze that I’d loved for so long…the same gaze that had destroyed me.

“I don’t know what to do either.”

“There’s no one I’ve enjoyed spending time with more than I do with you. Even now when I can see the disgust in your eyes at what I did, I’m happier than I’ve been since you left me because we’re together. You’re here and that’s all I want.”

“Let’s just eat our dinner,” I said quietly and he nodded.

We made very little small talk the rest of dinner. I watched him discreetly across the table. I could see the worry on his face, the frustration he was feeling at the whole situation, the sorrow and regret for what he’d done. I’d loved him once. A part of me still loved him. I don’t think you can ever unlove someone, no matter how badly they hurt you. Once they own your heart, they’ll always have a part of it. I knew this was true for Darren. A piece of me would always belong to him and a piece of him would always be mine, but I knew I could never give him my entire heart again. I could never forget what he’d done… how, even if it was only for a short time, our marriage vows meant nothing to him. Whenever I’d see him, I’d always remember what he’d done and I deserved to be loved by someone who, when I looked at them, made me feel safe and cherished, not someone I had to worry about finding solace in another woman. I deserved better. And better was waiting for me on the coast of Maine.

“I think this was a mistake, Darren,” I said softly once we’d finished dinner. I waited for him to say something, but he remained silent, watching me, his lips edged into a hard line. “I can’t forget what you did. I know you’re sorry. I can see that, but I can’t do this anymore. It took everything for me to pick up the pieces and realize I’d be okay again after what happened. I forgive you for what you did, Darren, but it’s over between us,” I continued gently and I watched as the harsh lines on his face seemed to soften as he heard my words. “I want the best for Noah, but I can’t give him that without giving up my self-respect. I can’t bear to have my son think of me as weak if he ever finds out the truth about why we divorced. I’m sorry, Darren. Please, just take me home.”

“I was a fool to think I even stood a chance of getting you back,” he said after a few seconds of silence.

“I wouldn’t say…” I began, but was interrupted by the ringing of my cell phone.

I reached into my purse quickly, trying to grab it so as not to disturb the other diners. I was concerned it might be Darren’s mom calling about Noah, but I was surprised to see Aubrey’s name flashing across the screen.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Beth, hi. It’s Aubrey. I’m sorry to bother you,” she began, but I could hear a tone in her voice that worried me.

“You’re not bothering me,” I said quickly and I glanced up to see an annoyed expression wash over Darren’s face. I had to admit, the phone call was not at the most opportune time, but Aubrey hadn’t called me since I left Travers Cove. I wasn’t going to ignore her.

“I…I don’t really know how to say this…”

“What is it, Aubrey?” I interrupted quickly, my heart starting to beat in anxious thuds in my chest.

“Jeremy’s boat…it didn’t come back today.”

“What do you mean?” I choked out, my voice trembling.

“They were due back hours ago. We had a pretty nasty storm develop up here while they were out. They haven’t been heard from since three o’clock saying they were coming back in before the storm got too bad. We haven’t heard anything else.”

I could tell she was crying now and my heart was racing. A tear I didn’t even realize had formed, fell down my cheek, splashing onto my plate.

“Oh my gosh,” I whispered, my hand flying to my mouth as I absorbed her words.

“I wanted you to know. I don’t know what’s going on with you two right now. I know things have changed, but I wanted you to know.”

“Thank you, Aubrey,” I choked out through the worried lump in my throat and I wiped at my cheek with the back of my hand. “Would you mind if I came up? To wait with you for any word?”