Every Breaking Wave (20 page)

Twenty-Four

“What the hell is wrong with you? You haven’t heard a word I’ve said.”

“What?” I asked, my sister’s voice ripping me from my drifting thoughts.

“See. You’re not paying attention to anything I’ve said. What is the matter with you?”

Amy and the boys had come over for dinner. She and I were sitting on the back deck while the kids played in the backyard. She’d started rambling about her job. She did that a lot and truthfully, she was an insurance adjuster so it wasn’t all that exciting. Plus, it was more difficult to pay attention than it usually was. I hadn’t stopped thinking about Darren or his attempt to get us back together. I should’ve told him to go to hell, but I hadn’t. I couldn’t do that.

“I’m fine, Amy.”

“Bullshit. You’re a million miles away. Is everything okay?” she asked and I didn’t answer at first. I hadn’t told anyone, let alone my sister about Darren. I’d hoped the issue would resolve itself and just go away eventually, but it was stuck in my mind and I couldn’t shake it. He was right about how happy Noah seemed when we were together. All I wanted in life was for my son to be happy and part of me felt that perhaps Darren had a point. The other half told me I was certifiably insane for even entertaining the thought of allowing myself to feel anything for Darren again.

“If I tell you, you have to promise not to freak out.”

“You’re starting to scare me, Beth,” Amy said with a nervous laugh. “What the hell’s going on?”

“It’s Darren,” I said and I saw her scoff openly.

“What about the dipshit?”

“Lately, he…he’s been insinuating that we should try and get back together.”

“What?” she exclaimed so loudly even the boys stopped what they were doing and looked up at us. She assured them we were fine and they got back to playing. “Is he serious?”

“I think he is.”

“So, why is this bothering you? You told him to go to hell, right?”

“Not exactly.”

“What?” she exclaimed again, only this time she was sure to be quieter. “And why the hell not?”

“Because of Noah. Because he’s happy when we’re together.”

She sighed and then pulled out her phone and started to type.

“What’re you doing?”

“Looking up the number to a psychiatrist because you’ve obviously lost your mind.”

“Put that away,” I said, grabbing the phone out of her hands and she leaned forward, her brown eyes staring angrily into mine.

“What is wrong with you, Beth?”

“Nothing is wrong with me. I’ve just got a lot to think about.”

“No, you don’t. You have nothing to think about. Darren is an asshole. I don’t care what kinds of lines he’s feeding you, but you’re too smart to fall for them.”

“I’m not falling for anything. He’s just made me think about some stuff, namely Noah’s best interest. You can’t tell me his life wouldn’t be better if Darren and I were together.

“No, I don’t think he’d be better off. I don’t think he should grow up seeing his mother as weak.”

“I’m not weak!” I shot back defensively.

“Your son will grow up treating women the way he sees his father treating his mother and if Noah sees you taking Darren back after what he did to you will show Noah that that behavior is okay.”

“Noah is four. He doesn’t know what happened between Darren and me.”

“Maybe not now, but he will when Darren does it again and then he’ll think it’s okay. He’ll think he can treat women like that. You can’t do this, Beth.”

“I’m not doing anything.”

“Then why are you even thinking about it?”

“I don’t know! I just want to do the right thing…for everyone.”

“And getting back with Darren is not the right thing,” she said and then paused for a moment. “What about Jeremy?”

“Jeremy’s great. We’re great,” I stammered. We were great, but he had no idea about Darren. “He might come down over Labor Day.”

“Then don’t screw it up!”

“I wish you’d try and be a little more understanding. This whole thing is not easy. I’m just trying to figure things out.”

“I’m very understanding, Beth. I’ve been there for you through all of this. I saw what he did to you…how it destroyed you and I’ll be damned if I sit back and watch you even think about going back to that piece of shit. He’ll break your heart again, that’s a fact.”

“I’m not getting back with him. I’m happy. I’m happy with Jeremy.”

“Remember that feeling then because it’s what you deserve.”

Amy reached over, taking my hands and squeezing them tightly as she looked into my eyes. She was right. I knew she was right. I didn’t want to be with Darren again. I wanted Jeremy, but then my eyes drifted to my son and the doubt I so desperately wanted to go away started creeping in again.

Twenty-Five

The first week of school was always hectic. No matter how many times I did it, it never got easier. I was always fried by the end of the week, but at least I had something more to look forward to than just a weekend to recover. Jeremy was coming. He hadn’t been sure he’d be able to make it, but he’d worked it out and as I drove home from work, Noah in the backseat after picking him up from daycare, I was nervous. I’d been nearly a month since we’d seen each other and I knew some time together, time when I could actually touch his face instead of staring at it on the computer screen, would do us some good. We were going to have dinner with Noah and Saturday morning Darren would pick him up for the night. I was glad Noah would get to see Jeremy, but I was also glad we’d get some time alone. Alone time I desperately needed.

I turned the corner and I felt the butterflies in my stomach when I saw Jeremy’s SUV in the driveway. I hadn’t expected him so early. I thought I’d have some time to freshen up…change out of my teacher clothes…brush my teeth…something. I wouldn’t get to do any of that though. He’d have to take me as I was, but something told me he wouldn’t mind.

I pulled in next to him and I smiled over to him when our eyes met. It was so good to see his face and I couldn’t get the seatbelt off fast enough. He got out of the SUV too and even though I wanted to run into his arms, I had to get Noah out of his car seat.

“You’re early,” I said as he approached me, his eyes seeming to devour me as he looked me up and down.

“Or I could say you’re late,” he grinned and when he touched my arm, I could feel my breath starting to quicken having him so close again. Our eyes locked and I immediately started aching for him. Tomorrow couldn’t come soon enough so we could be alone.

“You were just anxious to see me and couldn’t wait.”

“I won’t deny that,” he said and then looked down at my now cast-less arm. I’d had it removed right before school began and it was good to be free of its restrictions. He picked up my hand, staring at it for a moment and then kissed the back of it. “I think this is the only part of your body I haven’t had the privilege of touching yet.”

His deep, throaty voice made me blush and his grin told me he loved getting that kind of reaction from me.

“I need to get Noah,” I said softly, trying to compose myself as we walked to the back door of the car.

“Jeremy!” Noah called out when we opened the door.

“Hey, buddy!” Jeremy called back and I quickly undid Noah’s seat. He climbed out and went straight into Jeremy’s arms.

“I missed you!” Noah said, hugging him tightly.

I couldn’t help but smile seeing them together again. I loved watching them together.

“C’mon,” I said, gently taking Jeremy’s arm as he held Noah and we walked into the house.

“Nice place,” Jeremy said, looking around the house. “It’s a lot different than the beach house.”

“It is. I like the beach house better,” I mumbled, setting my bag in the chair.

Jeremy heard my comment though and I could tell it’d piqued his curiosity.

He’d set Noah down and he’d gone running upstairs.

“I like your outfit,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “Cardigans are sexy. I think I’m hot for teacher.”

“Shut up!” I swatted him playfully and then he pulled me to him. His body pressed into mine as I leaned against the counter. I could tell he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

“God, I missed you,” he sighed and then pushed his mouth against mine and I felt like putty in his hands until we heard Noah’s bounding footsteps coming down the stairs. Jeremy pulled away and we were both breathless as we stood innocently next to each other behind the kitchen island.

“Come see my room!” Noah said excitedly, taking Jeremy’s hand and I knew the rest of the night would be all about my son and when I saw the smile on his face, I was completely okay with that.

~~~

As much as I wanted Jeremy to sleep with me, he slept in the guest room and as Noah and I fixed breakfast in the kitchen the next morning, I wondered how long he’d sleep. We’d had a late night. We went out for dinner and then we’d played games with Noah until it was bed time. After Noah was settled for the night, we’d cuddled on the couch, holding hands while watching movies, sneaking kisses like teenagers trying not to get caught by their sleeping parents, only we were trying not to get caught by my son. We’d stayed up too late, but neither of us wanted to say goodnight.

He came walking into the kitchen not long after we started fixing breakfast, looking tired still. His hair was an adorable mess and a light beard shaded his face.

“How’d you sleep?” I asked.

“Fine.”

“You look like the walking dead.”

“I hate to break it to you, but you don’t look much better,” he retorted and we both started laughing. “I’ll shower in a bit and then I’ll return to my Adonis like self.”

“What’s Adonis?” Noah chimed in.

“It’s a term delusional men use,” I said, raising my eyebrow at Jeremy who had a cocky smile on his face.

“What’s delusional?” he asked and I just laughed.

“Never mind, Noah,” I said, bringing over a plate of waffles.

“Waffles? Can I expect this kind of service for the rest of my stay?”

“Perhaps,” I said, walking by him and he discreetly grabbed my backside, being careful it was out of Noah’s view.

We finished breakfast and then got Noah ready to go for his day with his father. Darren said he’d be by around ten o’clock and punctual like he was, he pulled in front of the house right when he said he would.

I couldn’t help but feel a little nervous having Jeremy and Darren meet again. It’d only been that one time, but I knew how Darren felt about me seeing someone else and his desire to change our relationship back to the way it’d been before he’d cheated on me, was never far from my mind.

Jeremy had excused himself to the bathroom when Darren pulled up and part of me hoped the waffles hadn’t agreed with him so he’d be in there for the foreseeable future and miss any interaction with Darren.

Noah answered the door when Darren knocked and even before he was invited, he stepped inside. He bent down, hugging Noah and then he came over to me, putting his arms around me too for a hug. It was awkward and I didn’t hug him back.

“How was your first week?” he asked when he pulled back.

“Typical,” I said, hoping he’d pick up Noah’s bag and be on his way.

“Who’s SUV is that outside?”

“Jeremy’s!” Noah answered excitedly.

Darren’s eyes darted quickly over to me and his face immediately formed into a firm line. Before I could say anything, I heard the bathroom door open and Jeremy stepped out, running a hand through his messy hair. It was obvious he’d spent the night and Darren didn’t look happy about that.

“Good to see you again, Darren,” Jeremy said, walking over to us, putting one hand on the small of my back and extending the other one. Darren’s hand remained at his side for a moment, his forceful eyes still on mine until he finally looked away and shook Jeremy’s hand.

“Can I talk to you for a second, Beth?” Darren said curtly, taking me more forcefully than I was comfortable with by the arm and leading me into the kitchen. “What’s he doing here?” he demanded once we were alone.

“He came for a visit,” I said, pulling my arm from his grip.

“He slept here last night? And he’s staying again tonight?”

“Yes, he is.”

“You should’ve told me he was coming.”

“Why?”

“So I could come get Noah.”

“Noah likes Jeremy. He wanted to see him too.”

“But he’s my son and I’m not comfortable with him being in this house when your
boyfriend
sleeps over.”

I couldn’t help but notice the bitterness in his voice when he said boyfriend.

“Or do you mean you’re not comfortable with Jeremy being in the house with me.”

Stony silence settled between us and I could see the frustration on Darren’s face. He was angry.

“Is everything okay in here?”

I was surprised to hear Jeremy’s voice and I turned to see him standing in the doorway, looking curiously between us.

“Everything’s fine. I’ll just be another second,” I said, but he didn’t budge.

“You sure?”

“Excuse me,” Darren said, shooting a glare over to Jeremy. “But I’m talking to my wife. This doesn’t concern you.”

“I think it does when I watched you drag Beth in here.”

Jeremy started toward us, stopping beside me and lacing his fingers with mine. I saw Darren quickly glance down at our hands before looking back up at us.

“We’ll talk more when I bring him back on Monday.”

Noah trotted in then, stopping and looking between all of us. I smiled at him, hoping he wouldn’t feel the tension in the room

“Ready to go, bud?” Darren asked and Noah nodded.

“Come give me a hug,” I said and he wrapped his arms around me. He hugged Jeremy too and then took Darren’s hand and without a goodbye, they walked out the door.

“You okay?” he asked when the door closed and we were alone. I’d been waiting for this moment since I saw him sitting in my driveway, but now I couldn’t stop thinking about the confrontation with Darren.

“I hate having to deal with him sometimes,” I said softly and I felt his fingers on my chin, encouraging me to look at him.

“I take it you didn’t tell him I was coming?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Why didn’t you tell him?”

“Because I don’t have to. I don’t have to run anything by him anymore. He gave up that right when I found him fucking my friend,” I spat out and made my way upstairs.

I could hear Jeremy following me and I went into my room, sitting on my bed. He stood in the doorway, leaning against it, his arms folded.

“I can’t pretend I know what you deal with, and you’re right, you don’t owe him explanations, but,” he said and I didn’t like the hesitation in his voice. “I can kind of see his point.”

“What?” I exclaimed.

“I’d want to know if a man was staying at the same house as my son. I can see why he’s upset.”

I stared at him, not wanting to tell him that while Darren might be hiding under the guise of Noah’s wellbeing, the real reason for his reaction was because Darren wanted me back.

“You wouldn’t understand,” I said bitterly and it grew quiet as we stared at each other.

“Please don’t let this ruin our weekend,” he said.

“Just go take your shower. Towels are in the linen closet across the hall.”

He stood there for a few more moments, staring at me with those chocolate eyes and I could see he was concerned. I knew I should tell him what Darren had been up to lately…why I was overly sensitive to anything Darren did because he was trying to ruin everything by planting visions of a fairy tale life for Noah in my head and making me rethink everything I’d done to get past how he’d hurt me. I knew I should tell Jeremy all of this because that’s what couples do. They talk about their problems and help each other figure it out, but I didn’t tell him and when I remained quiet, he finally turned and left.

I stayed sitting on the bed and I could hear him gathering a towel and washcloth from the linen closet before the bathroom door shut. When I heard the water turn on, I got up and went to my dresser, opening the top drawer and digging around the pile of socks and underwear that desperately needed to be organized until I found what I was looking for.

I stared at the picture. I’d told myself to toss all of our wedding photos, and I had thrown many of them away. I’d forced myself to keep a few though for Noah so that he could see his parents had once been in love…that we had been in love when we’d conceived him.

We’d been so happy the day of the wedding. Darren looked handsome in his tux and the moment I’d put my wedding dress on, I’d known it was the one. Darren had even cried a little when he saw me for the first time in it as my father walked me down the aisle. My dad had given Darren my hand, and he promised to take care of me and I’d believed him. I believed he’d always love me and that he’d never hurt me. Looking down at the picture now, I believed at the time he had meant it. The way his eyes were watching me in the picture showed nothing but total adoration. Something had gone wrong though. Something had changed and he had hurt me. He’d hurt me so badly that I didn’t think I’d ever be able to let anyone in again, but somehow I had and he was only a few feet away.

I put the picture away and made my way to the bathroom. I hoped he hadn’t locked the door and when I slowly turned the knob, I was relieved to feel it twist. I slowly pushed it open and was greeted with a sea of steam. I could hear the water cascading over him. I went slowly to the shower, pushing the curtain back. He was rinsing his hair, his eyes closed as the water poured down. His body was wet and slick and all I could think about was stepping inside and running my hands over his skin.

“Mind if I join you?” I asked and I saw him jump, his eyes popping open.