Everything Carries Me to You (Axton and Leander Book 3) (55 page)

"
No
," Ilias said quietly, nonetheless cutting Leander off. "You do
not
understand and you do not
want
to understand, but you need to."

Leander bit the inside of his cheek and looked away, forcing an even breath.

"Explain," he said.

"Wolves become very...attached," Ilias said. "There are youthful wild years and some wander for longer than others, but when we choose...not just a lover, but..."

"Wolves mate for life," Leander said. "That's what you're getting at."

"Yes," Ilias said, with a strange tranquility. "So a wolf who mates with a human is ultimately choosing a life of mourning at best. That's why intimacy with humans is taboo. That is the real reason. Our people forget. Wolves tell themselves it's because humans are inferior, or unclean, or some other foolish thing. But none of that is true. What is true is this: we live longer, until we love you. Then we do not live longer at all."

"How can you know that, though?" Leander asked, knowing he was wincing and unable to stop it as he leaned forward. "It doesn't come up enough for a valid statistical--"

"It comes up more than you think," Ilias said, glancing away distractedly.

"That's not--"

"Mourning Axton's mother nearly killed
me
," Ilias said, locking eyes.

Leander shut up.

"So you're saying--" he tried.

"Yes," Ilias said. "She was human. And I loved her. I love her still."

"Axton never mentioned," Leander said.

"Axton did not know," Ilias said. A pause. "Does not," he added.

"So, uh," Leander said, "that means Axton's, like, half? Do werewolves breed true? How does that...?"

"There are certain...what's a good word...quirks," Ilias explained. "He isn't half in the sense of...not fully a wolf."

"Not a hybrid," Leander said, "but...?"

"The speed of his change, the color of his pelt," Ilias said. "The way he never played too long with other pups."

"I kind of noticed," Leander said, "that he doesn't seem to get on with other wolves better than he does with people in general."

"Always," Ilias said. "Yes."

"I just figured he was improperly socialized," Leander said. "No offense."

Ilias eyed him carefully.

"Do you have dogs?" he asked.

"Uh," Leander said. "No? I mean. I've...had dogs, and I...I have a dog I watch, sometimes..." He didn't want to add that the dog who was
sort of kind of
his dog was a dog the size of a small loaf of expensive bread. Anyway, he hadn't seen Daisy in forever. He missed her, and he missed Carolina and Carmen and Christina and Rosa and, god, his heart couldn't do this right now.

"Dogs," Ilias said, "are wolves with human influence."

"Yeah," Leander said. "Sure."

"Wolves are pack animals," Ilias said. "Dogs are not."

Leander squinted his eyes.

"You're saying Axton is kind of like a
dog
?" he asked.

"A little bit," Ilias shrugged. "Stray dogs do not hunt in packs. At most they scavenge in pairs. They do not travel in groups or live communally with other stray dogs. They are social animals, but not with their own kind. Dogs prefer the company of humans to the company of other dogs. And Axton prefers your company to--what is his name--Dana's."

"One, that's because Dana's an asshole," Leander said, "and, two--I just--I don't even know what to say."

Ilias steepled his fingers thoughtfully.

"Dana is strong," he said. "And loyal. And brave. But he is not clever."

"Yeah, seriously," Leander said, mollified by this subject change.

"I would rather a brave and clever man in my pack," Ilias said, "than a brave and strong one."

Leander stilled.

"Did you just," he started, then stopped. "Was that your version of giving me your blessing?"

"Not exactly," Ilias said. "I would, at the end of the night, prefer a she-wolf who would make me a grandfather, but from the likely available options, you will do."

Leander's lips made shapes but didn't commit to sounds.

"I," he said finally. "Uh. Thank you?" Was Ilias
laughing
at him? Or was he serious? It was so fucking hard to tell.

"Don't thank me yet," Ilias said. "I have had time to get used to the idea. I always thought Axton would choose a human. I used to read to him at night--recent books, not just fairy tales from the old world. I sent him to school with human children. I wished to raise him as if he still had his mother's influence. A human lover is no surprise."

"And have you had time to get used to the other idea?" Leander asked mildly, though he arched an eyebrow. "The other part of that? The
male
human lover part?"

For the first time in their conversation, Ilias bowed his head and cast his gaze down.

"Time enough," he said.

"You don't entirely approve," Leander said, crossing his arms.

"I missed my son," Ilias said, which was not a denial, "for more than ten years."

"Apparently a decade is nothing to you guys," Leander said, "so I'm not sure I buy the time heals all prejudice logic."

"I have also told you that Axton is nearly a
child
by our standards," Ilias said, something raw and wet in his voice. "Only ten years, and then only a few more. But ten years are still
ten years
and the seconds pass no faster for me than they do for you. And ten years of time that he should have still been at home. With me. And he is my only child, my child that I had with
her
."

Leander admired that Ilias did not try to conceal the grief in his voice. Many men would. Many people would. So he allowed Ilias the time for it, and looked away politely.

"Fair enough," he murmured. "I apologize."

"For a time I thought he was dead," Ilias said. "There was no news of him."

Oh
, Leander thought.
We're in "I love my gay dead son" territory except that the gay son turns out to not actually be dead so we get to see how dad feels about it for real. All right. I can work with that
.

"Axton said he settled in a place with very few werewolves in it," Leander offered. At the same time, he carefully didn't say
where
Axton settled, because he didn't know if Axton wanted his father to know.

"Good," Ilias said sharply, but he did not elaborate. Instead he pressed his palms into the table for a moment and said slowly, "There is one more thing I came to tell you. The most important thing."

"More important than reminding me that I'm going to die soon?" Leander sighed.

"Related to that, yes."

Leander looked at Ilias warily.

"What else is there to say about us star crossed lovers with drastically different lifespans?"

"There is one obvious solution to that problem," Ilias said. "Is there not?"

"No," Leander said shortly. "I'm not gonna--no. I don't want to turn. It would piss everybody off, and I don't...I don't
need
to. I like myself. I have advantages that you don't, even if I don't live as long."

"Very wise," Ilias said. "It is unusual to be both clever and wise."

"Besides, I don't need any conditions, cultural or hormonal or whatever, that encourage trigger happy machismo," Leander said. "I've spent my entire life calming my shit down. I'm not going to undo all that work. Do you have any idea how much meditation my mom forced me to do in my teens? I'm already territorial and love to fight. My advantage, as you pointed out, is that I'm
clever
. I'd hate to lose that. And again, no offense, but most werewolves seem..."

"Not clever?" Ilias asked, with a quirk of his lips.

"Not that tactical," Leander amended.

"Not clever," Ilias said. "You can say it."

"No one who is big and strong all their life learns to fight that well," Leander said. "You're apex predators. Most of you don't need to be clever."

"Strength and size are relative," Ilias pointed out.

"Yeah, no," Leander said. "I know what you are--I know that you're smaller than Dana or Dru and that they're both terrified of you. I know. I know you and I know the type of guy that's smaller and faster and smarter and infinitely more vicious in a fight. That's why I need you here. Just in case. Just in case it comes to that."

"You were picked on as a child," Ilias said. It wasn't a question.

"I was small for a long time, okay?" Leander threw his hands up. "My growth spurt came late. Whatever, man, I'm still not in a hurry to turn werewolf. And it would be like painting a huge target on my chest anyway. Dana would have a lot to say about it. I'm sure a lot of wolves would.
You
apparently have a lot to say about it."

"I don't object to the idea," Ilias said.

"You're probably the only one," Leander said. "Even if that's true."

"I am not against the idea of humans being turned," Ilias said. "I am not against the idea of
you
being turned. It would be good for Axton."

"And yet," Leander said, crossing his arms.

"I am an honest man," Ilias said. "As is my son. For him, I came here. I came to warn you."

"Yeah?" Leander asked.

"It does not work," Ilias said, and his eyes were flat and his tone was even and his pain was old. "The turning almost never works. Maybe nothing happens. Maybe it causes sickness. Maybe the human dies for trying."

"Almost never?" Leander asked. "Or never ever?"

"Practically never," Ilias said, " and never when you need it."

Something rang out in his voice; longing tinged the end of his words.

"She died that way," Leander said softly. "Axton's mother?"

Ilias did not look away.

"Yes," he said. "I killed her."

Leander breathed carefully.

"Taking that chance isn't the same as--"

"It was a risk," Ilias said. "It was a tremendous risk. And I took it. I cut her short time shorter."

Conversational Russian roulette
, Leander thought,
with, yeah, a Russian
. Then he asked--

"Did you force her?"

Ilias curled his lips back from his teeth, but only for a second.

"No," he said.

"I'm sorry," Leander said. He was. He was also relieved that he hadn't gotten his face bitten off for asking.

"No one is sorry enough," Ilias said. "It doesn't matter."

"But if she agreed, if she wanted it, too, if she took that chance--" Leander started.

"There were circumstances," Ilias interrupted. "It was not a time for clear thought."

"What kind of circumstances?" Leander asked, thinking of Jack, thinking of being left because of the march of time, thinking of how it would feel to have your ageless lover leave you for reasons so entirely beyond your control.

"We were pursued," Ilias said. "Much as you are pursued, for the same reason. We were cornered. I was young and
not clever
, and I thought that I would solve our persecution by turning her and running to some place where no one knew us, where no one knew she wasn't born a wolf. It seemed attainable."

"Pursued?" Leander asked.

"By those who think that a union between a wolf and a human is a sin," Ilias said. "And remember that we had Axton, who was living proof of...who they thought was a sin made flesh."

"I keep on hearing about these extremists," Leander said. "Apparently it's a big thing."

"I wouldn't worry," Ilias said. "There used to be many. Now there are very few."

"Why?" Leander asked. "How? In so short a time span? When you guys live a couple centuries a pop?"

"I killed many," Ilias shrugged. "I killed the ones who pursued us. I found others like them. I killed or scattered that group, too. I stopped to raise my son. When he left, I began again. The last ones I found I did not get to in time--your good friend Dana led a group that did my work for me. He is very...inelegant."

"I bet," Leander said. He paused. Jesus, there was so much killing that went on in werewolf land, apparently. No wonder their numbers were low. Axton had told him that wolves killed in feuds with other wolves all the time, but it was still surprising to realize the extent to which that might be true.

It occurred to him, suddenly, that Ilias hadn't actually specified that fellow
wolves
had been after him, which would mean... Leander shoved the thought aside hastily. He had enough to worry about with trial by combat on the horizon. But seriously, this was worse than the time he'd dated that Texan girl and her dad showed off his gun cabinet after Thanksgiving dinner. Axton's dad was apparently the werewolf version of the Punisher, which was like being werewolf Batman but with a lot more actually killing people. Sweet baby jesus, Leander was going to consider himself so fucking lucky to make it to age forty at this rate.

"So," Ilias said. "That is all."

"Yeah, that's
all
. 'By the way, you're going to die soon; it might kill the man you love; you'll probably die faster if you try to change anything; okay, bye now.'"

"More or less," Ilias mused. "That is a fair summary, yes."

"What do you expect me to do?" Leander asked, throwing his hands up. "You felt a need to warn me. I'm appreciative. And I'm glad you love Ax enough to do your version of the protective dad speech. But what do you want me to
do
with any of what you've told me?"

"Do as you like," Ilias said carelessly.

Leander leaned across the table and looked at Ilias intently.

"Why did you come here? What do you
want
? What would you have me do?"

There was a pause. Ilias seemed to consider, and Leander couldn't tell if it was the pause of someone who didn't have an answer, or that of someone who didn't want to share an answer.

"Live well," Ilias said. "Enjoy your time. Be kind to Axton. Be gentle. Try to prepare him."

"Your lesson is premature. I could die
tonight
," Leander insisted.

There again, very little changing of expression except for his eyes--a flicker of amusement. Ilias crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his chair.