Everything Unexpected (34 page)

“Holly’s call,” he starts. “It scared the shit out of me,” he says softly.

My eyes begin to burn, the threat of tears falling very real. “I didn’t mean to scare you,” I say, my tone equally soft. “I’m sorry.”

I want to tell him I’m sorry for all of it. For scaring him. For the harsh words I used earlier. For putting us in this situation in the first place.

Shane’s hand comes up and rests on top of my stomach, gently stroking my bump back and forth. “I don’t know how many more times I’ll have to say it, but I’ll keep doing it until you finally hear me. You and this baby
are
my priority.”

I swallow hard. “I’m your priority
because
of this baby.”

I hear him groan in frustration.

“Why can’t you just believe what I say? Why do you need to keep questioning this when there is nothing to question? I don’t know how much clearer I can be. I told you I loved you. I’m telling you that I’m in love with you. I want a future
with
you. Why are you fighting me?”

“Because you need to be sure,” I tell him back, equally frustrated. I take a few seconds to calm myself, to calm my breathing. “I can live with this baby being
one
of the reasons you want a future with me Shane. I can. But it can’t be
the
reason.”

He shakes his head, irritated. “I know pregnancy can mess with a woman’s brain, but you’re absolutely impossible right now.”

“It’s not crazy to want what’s best for me. What’s best for you!” I argue.

“No, it’s not,” he fights back. “But what’s best for us is this.” He points between us. “And it’s right here, in front of us. I’m here, in front of you. How can you not believe in it like I do?” He looks away from me. “It’s enough to drive me absolutely crazy.”

“If it’s so crazy, then why are you here?”

He lets out a small laugh, shaking his head, looking at me in disbelief. He leans in towards me, his eyes boring into mine. “Because, Comb, no matter how crazy you’re acting right now, or how crazy you drive me,” he stops and lightly brushes some of my hair back off my face, “it’s nowhere close to how fucking crazy I
am
about you.”

The skin on my face burns where his fingers touch me. My heart begins to pound in my chest so much so I’m sure my monitors are about to go crazy themselves. It takes everything inside me not to crawl out of this bed and into his lap. But I can’t get rid of this gnawing feeling. Something telling me we both need time to really think about what we want our futures to look like. What we would have wanted had it not been for this pregnancy. It feels too easy to think we would have happened regardless even if Shane truly does believe in that. But that idea, that vision, is very different than the reality of what being together would actually look like for us now.

“Just please try and believe me,” he pleads. “You never doubted me before, don’t start doubting me now.”

Before I can answer, my doctor walks into the room. I’m not sure if I’m thankful or enraged at the interruption.

“How are we feeling?” the doctor asks, coming around, checking my chart.

“Much better,” I reply. “Ready to go home.”

The doctor smiles. “Your blood sugar was quite low, as was your blood pressure,” he says, flipping through the pages of my chart. “It says here that you forgot to eat today?”

I hear the flicker of judgment but swallow back my annoyance. “Yes,” I nod. “An oversight on my part. I’ve been very busy at work and it slipped my mind.”

“I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that can’t happen,” he says slowly, as if I’m some kind of idiot.

I nod in agreement, refusing to look at Shane and seeing the tiny look of satisfaction he must have at me being educated on that once more.

“It concerns me that your job causes you that much stress and keeps you too busy to remember to eat. At the stage you are in your pregnancy, you need to be taking it easy. Not piling things on.”

“I’m an attorney in the middle of a rather large case. Rest and relaxation aren’t readily available at the moment,” I say, forcing a smile. “But I promise to keep better track of my meals.”

This doesn’t seem to go over well with the doctor. “Ms. Kessel, your due date isn’t that far away. You
need
to rest. The
baby
needs you to rest. I can’t stress that enough.”

“And I will,” I state. “Just soon as the case wraps up.”

“I really must insist—”

“Don’t worry, Doc,” Shane interrupts. “I’ll make sure she gets plenty of rest from now on.”

I turn and face Shane, annoyed he thinks he can try to manage my career. But my hard stare does nothing to his demeanor. He only looks down at me with an irritatingly, adorable grin. “We’re both going to be re-prioritizing.”

ONCE I WAS released from the hospital, I was forced to take a few days off work. Both on doctors and my boss’ orders. Some people love to stay home, watch Ellen and Dr. Phil all day. Not me. I hated every moment of it. I hated how every family Ellen helped turned me into an inconsolable mess. I hated the gum commercial that caused me to sob for over an hour. I hated sitting on my couch instead of a chair in the courtroom, hated how I spent hours channel surfing instead of case research. I hated not getting up and dressed in the mornings—actually I didn’t mind that. Being in my pj’s all day was actually really nice. But I hated that I had no reason to get out of them. I was bored and frustrated.

Holly said it would be good practice for the weeks and months to come. Once the baby was here, I’d be on a maternity leave any way. A couple of months. But at least then I’d have a baby to distract me. A baby to keep me busy, keep me company.

Having no distractions only left my mind open to everything I’ve been working so hard not to think about. My future. Shane’s future. If we really had a chance at one together.

Every corner of my apartment is a daunting reminder time is running low on figuring that out. The bassinette in my bedroom, a small changing table near my bed, piles of baby clothes and blankets in the closet. None of it belonging to Shane, but every single one of them reminding me of him and the giant question mark that falls over top of us.

Before I left the hospital, he took my hand and kissed my fingers, leaving me with these words. “I’m sure of us. That’s not going to change. But you seem to have a hard time hearing me, so I guess I’ll just need to show you.”

I didn’t have a chance to ask what he meant because the nurse came in with my discharge papers and all my focus fell on getting out of there. That was a few days ago. I haven’t seen him since but he’s called several times. He says he’s just checking in, but I know he’s really just making sure I’m at home, doing nothing. Just like I was told.

Thank God Holly is on her way over. I’m in need of someone to talk to and anything other than
my
life to think about. And with Holly and Eddy’s wedding coming up this weekend, I’m sure she’ll have lots to say that has nothing to do with me and Shane.

After folding yet another basket of baby clothes, I’m relieved to hear a knock at my door. But relief turns to surprise as soon as I open it.

“Cassandra,” I say, completely thrown aback to see my boss standing in my hallway.

“Hello, Leah,” she responds. After a few seconds of silence, she raises her brows in expectation. “May I come in?”

“Yes, yes. Absolutely,” I say, opening the door wider to allow her entrance. I quickly scan my apartment, relieved that it looks in good shape. I see no dirty clothes in plain sight and only a mug of tea sits on my coffee table. “Please, sit down.” I usher her towards my couch.

She takes a seat, her eyes roaming around my tiny apartment, finally landing on the pile of baby clothes folded beside her.

“Not too much longer now,” she says, fingering the pile of clothes.

I take a breath and sit on the chair next to the couch. “A few weeks,” I agree. A strange silence follows—a slightly uncomfortable one at that. I watch as she picks up a gray and yellow sleeper, her fingers gently running over the tiny duck stitched on it. A small smile appears on her face.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve been around these little things. They didn’t have this cute stuff years ago like they do now,” she explains. “You’re lucky.”

A new awareness comes over me. I never pictured Cassandra Fairfax to be a mother. She doesn’t wear a wedding ring, has no framed photos on her desk, has never even uttered a word about having her own children, but watching her look through my baby’s clothes, it’s obvious to me now.

“How many do you have?” I ask, immediately feeling dumb for prying. What if she doesn’t talk about it for a reason? What if she keeps that side of herself closed off because she can’t talk about it. What if I just brought up a topic that is too painful for her and that’s why she never speaks of it? I’m about to apologize for my intrusiveness, but she speaks first.

“Two. A boy and a girl.”

I exhale in relief.

“Years ago, you didn’t talk about it at work. Especially if you were a woman and especially if you were playing in the boys playground. It was much tougher then to have it all. You had to pay a much bigger price in order to get it.”

She refolds the sleeper and places it back on the pile of clothing before turning to face me. I watch as she crosses her legs, followed by her arms.

“It will be tough,” I say, agreeing with her, “but I won’t lose sight of my career goals. Of what I want to achieve. Achieve with
this
firm.”

The need to reassure her of my dedication to the firm comes strong. I want her to know, to understand, that I look forward to all the future cases that will come across my desk. I want to explain that me becoming a mother doesn’t mean I’m giving up on my career or slowing down. She of all people should understand that. She, herself knows it’s possible to be both mother and kick ass attorney. She’s done it already.

“I admire your ambition, your determination. You remind me of myself when I was your age,” she says. “Lucky for you, I can burst your bubble now quietly instead of it exploding in your face sometime in the future.”

I blink a few times, unsure if I heard correctly. Burst my bubble? What the hell does that mean? Is she here to fire me? Can they do that? Because I’m pregnant?

“Cassandra—Ms. Fairfax,” I begin, but she continues on.

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to try and work a case when you’ve been up all night with a sick child? To be at the office instead of home when all your child wants is for you to be there taking care of them? To miss soccer games, dance recitals, school plays because you’re stuck in court? You don’t yet, but you will if you don’t make an adjustment to the vision of your near future.

“Are you firing me?” I question.

She almost laughs. “No, Leah, I’m not firing you. I am trying to ready you on how to balance motherhood and a career, especially one as demanding as this one is. Learning it sooner rather than later will save you so much hardship in the end. Trust me. This is coming from experience.”

Is that why she never talks about her children? Because she never learned how to balance it? That she missed too much of her children’s childhood that she’s not a part of their adulthood? Sadness at that thought comes over me.

“Don’t feel bad for me yet. I have a wonderful family and great relationships with my children…now.” She pauses for another second. “But I’ll always look back and regret not making it more of a priority to go to those little things. A soccer game I promised to make it to but missed. The only game Jeffrey scored a goal. The dance recital Lauren still remembers me missing. She was only three but still brings it up to this day.” Cassandra laughs.

“But it all worked out in the end,” I argue.

“Oh it did. But it took a while,” she says through a smile. “I insisted I could have it all, do it all,
be
everything all at once. That’s why I came here tonight. To offer you some advice from someone who has been in your shoes. Of course, it’s completely up to you if you take it, but here it is nonetheless,” she looks right at me. “You
can
have it all, Leah. You can
do
it all. But…it doesn’t all have to happen right now.”