Existence (5 page)

“Don’t look at him next time. It’ll drive him crazy.” The familiar drawl didn’t startle me. It was almost as if I expected him. Even though he’d been frustratingly absent since telling me he’d been watching me for weeks Saturday afternoon. Of course, there was no way I could respond to him right now and he knew it. I turned and headed for my locker. “He’s trying to play hard to get. Kind of proves what a child he is, but I can see it’s bothering you.”

“I’m not bothered,” I said between my teeth as I opened my locker.

“Yes, you are. There is this little wrinkle between your eyebrows that appears and you nibble your bottom lip when something bothers you.”

I knew I didn’t need to look at him but I couldn’t help it. I turned my head and peered at him through my hair. He was 31

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leaning against the locker beside mine with his arms crossed over his chest, watching me. No one had ever paid enough attention to me before to actually be able to describe my facial expression when I was bothered. It was oddly endearing.

“You’re missing the public display of affection across the hall between your two buddies. They may need you to throw a bucket of ice water on them.” I bit my lip to keep from laughing. I didn’t need to turn around to know what he was talking about. Miranda and Wyatt could be a little gross.

“There that’s better. I like it when you’re smiling. If the football kid keeps making you frown I’m going to take matters into my own hands.” I opened my mouth to protest but he was gone.

* * * *

I glanced over at the clock. Leif would be here any minute. My mother had left thirty minutes ago for another date with Roger. I’d spent the time alone walking through the house looking for the soul I couldn’t seem to get rid of. I wasn’t sure where I expected to find him. He didn’t really seem to be the kind of guy who sits around and does nothing.

If he was here wouldn’t he be trying to tell me what to do or asking me questions that were none of his business? But I searched for him anyway. I wanted to discuss the comment he made earlier. The doorbell interrupted my hunt and I headed back to the living room to get the door.

“Hey.” I stepped back and let Leif in. I’d ignored him the rest of the day. Wasn’t sure what good it did, but I decided I didn’t want Leif thinking I cared if he spoke to me or not.

“Hey,” he replied and stepped inside. I led him over to the kitchen table and waited while he set his books down.

“Safe sex,” he announced.

I froze and stared at him, unsure whether I’d just heard him correctly. His serious face broke into a grin and then he 32

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started laughing.

“I wish you could see your face,” he said through his fits of laughter.

“You did say ‘safe sex’ then?” I asked, trying to determine what was so funny. He was the one talking about sex.

He nodded and held up his paper. “The topic for this week’s speech.”

I laughed weakly. “Okay, well that was one way to announce it,” I replied while going to the fridge to get our drinks.

“I’m hoping you’re well educated on this topic because I haven’t got a clue.”

“What?” I squeaked in reply.

He laughed again and I stood there waiting on him to get a grip. “I’m sorry,” he said, “It’s just that you’re so cute when you’re shocked.”

I stiffened at the word cute and wished I hadn’t. Hoping he didn’t notice my reaction, I took a deep breath and prayed silently for my eyes not to betray me when I turned around.

It wasn’t as if I wanted Leif to see me differently but I didn’t exactly want him to think I was cute. Maybe attractive or pretty, even, but not cute. Although him referring to me as cute helped remind me where I stood with him. Any delusions I may have had of us being anything other than friends dissipated.

“I think having had actual experience isn’t necessary. It’s basically supposed to be about your beliefs on the subject or the importance of it.” I couldn’t bring myself to meet his eyes.

He reached over and tilted my chin up so I wouldn’t have a choice. “You’re embarrassed.” I averted my eyes and he chuckled. “That’s cute.”

Ugh! We were back to me being cute. I glanced back at him. “Please stop saying I’m cute. It’s kind of insulting.” He frowned as he dropped his hand from my chin. “How is that insulting?”

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I shrugged, not wanting to talk about it and wishing I’d kept my mouth shut. “It just is. No one wants to be cute.

Puppies are cute.” I reached for his notebook and kept my eyes on the paper and read over the topic, or at least attempted to act like I was reading over it.

“Well, you definitely don’t look like a puppy,” he said with a chuckle.

“Well, that’s something at least.” We needed to change the subject and I needed to learn to curb my tongue.

“Okay, so what are the three main reasons you believe safe sex is important?” Maybe now we could get off the topic of me and my cuteness. He didn’t answer and I glanced up at him. He was watching me with a serious expression.

“Are you not sure?”

He didn’t reply.

“Um, okay what about teenage pregnancy? That’s a good point. No one needs to become a parent while they’re still a kid.”

Again, he didn’t respond, so I wrote it down.

“Your feelings are hurt,” he said quietly. I froze but kept my eyes on the paper. “I didn’t mean to say something to hurt your feelings,” he continued.

I wanted to deny it but I figured accepting his apology and moving on would be the best way to handle this. “It’s fine. Let’s get working on your essay.” He stared down at the paper. “Teenage pregnancy is definitely one reason,” he agreed.

“Okay, so what about STD’s?” I suggested, writing it down as I spoke.

“That’s another good one.”

I started to write it down but he reached over and took the notebook from me. Startled, I jerked my head up to see what he was doing. He gave me an apologetic smile. “Sorry, but I couldn’t think of any other way to get your attention.” Not sure how to respond, I sat silently and waited on him to finish.

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“You aren’t just cute. Yes, you make cute faces and do cute things but you aren’t just cute.” Hearing him explain himself made me feel silly for even saying anything about it.

“Okay,” I managed to mumble.

He slid the notebook back to me. “Now, let’s see...what about the fact that using a condom takes away from the pleasure, should we discuss that?”

I choked on my soda and started coughing uncontrollably while Leif patted me on the back. Once I got myself under control, I glanced up and caught him biting back a smile.

“Again, you do a lot of cute things, but you aren’t just cute.”

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Leif didn’t show up last night to finish his speech and it was due today. Not showing up wasn’t like him. The later it got without a call from him the angrier I’d become. In the end, I finished the speech myself and printed it out. Deep down I believed he would have a good excuse and letting him make a bad grade had seemed cruel. I reached into my bag to pull out his speech as I made my way down the hall. I just hoped when I found him and handed him this paper he would have a legitimate excuse for last night. Admitting to myself that I needed him to have a really good excuse hadn’t been easy. I’d let myself care about Leif Montgomery way too much.

“Hey girly, what’s up? I miss you.” Miranda slipped her arm around my waist and laid her head on my shoulder. I missed her too. Last year when she and Wyatt had been dating I’d been with Jay. It hadn’t made me feel isolated from my friends when they’d become an item. With me being single and the other two in my trio being a couple, I couldn’t help but feel like the third wheel.

“I miss you too. We need to go out together one night.

Maybe a girls’ night out,” I suggested while searching through the crowd of students clogging up the hallway for Leif.

“That sounds wonderful! Let’s plan on doing it one night this weekend.” She paused and frowned. “Or maybe next weekend.” The uncharacteristic frown was proof enough she hated telling me she was busy.

I shrugged and forced a smile. “No worries. Whenever you have time.” I glanced back down the hall and this time managed to get a glimpse of Leif at his locker. His back faced the crowded hallway. I turned back to Miranda. “I need to get this to Leif. I’ll catch up with you at lunch.” The crowd seemed to thin out as I reached his end of the lockers. Once I broke through the last group of students 36

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standing between us, I noticed Kendra leaning against his locker, smiling up at him. I thought about turning around, not wanting to hand this to him in front of her when I remembered he went to Speech first period. I slowed down and stopped behind him. As I reached to tap him on the shoulder, Kendra reached up and ran her fingers through Leif’s hair. It was sickening to watch. He was such a good guy and she was pure evil.

“You sure coming over last night wasn’t a big deal? I would hate to mess things up with you and your girlfriend,” she cooed.

“You know she isn’t my girlfriend, Kendra. Stop calling her that. You’ll start talk.” His voice sounded annoyed. Was the idea that someone might think he liked me so repulsive to him? A sick knot formed in my stomach and I started to turn and leave before he noticed me.

“You spend a lot of time at her house and she is always looking at you.”

“She’s my tutor and no, she isn’t looking at me. You’re just being paranoid when you have no reason to be.” I clinched my empty hand into a fist thinking about all the times he had fooled me into thinking he was a nice guy.

He was just as mean and calculating as Kendra. Was he even adopted or had that been a big elaborate lie to get me to feel sorry for him? I’d actually convinced my stupid self that Leif might be potential relationship material. The next time he came to my lunch table and asked if I was going to go to his game, I had intended to say yes and see if it led to where Wyatt had seemed to think it was leading.

“You sure she knows she isn’t your girlfriend because it looks like she is stalking you?” Kendra purred. I turned back around hating the heat I felt in my cheeks. My face was probably bright red.

“Oh, uh, Pagan. I was going to come find you and explain about last night.” I nodded, not wanting to discuss this after all I’d heard, and handed him the paper. “Thought you might 37

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need this.”

He stared down at the paper in my hand before reaching out and taking it. I turned to walk away. “Wait, I was going to call you last night. I just got tied up. Thanks,” he said holding up the paper.

Kendra slipped an arm inside his and smiled sweetly up at him. “That’s not true, Leif, I never tied you up.” She then directed her gaze at me and gave me a smile of triumph.

While I’d sat up late finishing his speech, he’d been with Kendra. How stupid could I be? I’d wasted my time writing a speech for someone who I’d thought needed my help, all this time thinking he was a good guy I could, possibly, really like.

Maybe I hadn’t judged him so unfairly before. Maybe Leif Montgomery fit the description I’d placed on him all these years. It hurt to find out the guy I’d built him up to be was an illusion. That I’d made an idiot of myself by staying up and writing the paper for him. It made me look like one his love-struck groupies.

I managed to get my locker open and find the books I needed for first class through my haze of anger. I stopped, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. I’d just learned a lesson and I didn’t need to forget it. Two tears squeezed through and I quickly wiped them away before closing my locker door. Now he had me crying. Perfect.

“Pagan.”

Crap! He’d come after me. I couldn’t let him see me crying. Humiliation wouldn’t be a strong enough word for what I’d feel if Leif knew I’d shed a tear over this. I forced a nonchalant expression on my face and turned around. “Yes?” He appeared upset. I wished I could convince myself of his sincerity. “Look, about last night, I am really sorry. I hadn’t expected you to finish the speech for me. I messed up and I was going to take the bad grade. I should’ve called, but—”

I shook my head to stop him. “It’s not a big deal.

However, from now on would you please let me know in 38

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advance when you won’t be able to make it to the appointed time for your session? Now, if you’ll excuse me.” I stepped around him and started for class.

“Pagan, wait, please.”

I stopped and considered telling him to go to Hell but decided against it before turning back to face him. “What?”

“I was coming over and Kendra called.” I shook my head. “I don’t care. Just call next time, please.” I turned and headed toward my class but when I reached it, I didn’t stop walking. Going into a classroom late with everyone’s eyes on me didn’t seem possible at that moment.

I opened the front door of the school and stepped outside.

I normally didn’t put myself out there for anyone. Today I’d made the mistake of doing so and got burned. I just wanted to go home. I could deal with my wounded pride alone.

“Don’t leave. He isn’t worth it.” The familiar deep voice almost sounded as if he were pleading. He was walking beside me. His face was tense and the smirk I’d grown accustomed to was missing.