Existence (2 page)

I choked on my sandwich and grabbed my bottle of water to take a quick gulp in order to wash down my food. Once I felt sure I wasn’t going to choke to death, I glanced up at Miranda’s concerned face. “Do you have to say things like that when I’ve got a mouth full of food?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Sorry, I’m just sayin’ is all. I didn’t mean for you to forget to chew your food.” She reached over and squeezed my arm. “There goes his perfectness now. Do you think he’s going to hook back up with Kendra this year? I mean they really had a bad breakup last year with all the cheating and stuff. Surely he’s going to move on.” I took another bite of my sandwich, not wanting to answer her question. I didn’t care who Leif Montgomery hooked up with but, yes, I felt most certain he would hook back up with Kendra. They happen to be the ‘golden couple’.

Everyone knew this and expected it. Their type always lived 9

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up to their name.

“Pull your tongue back in your mouth, Miranda. You look like a dog in need of water.” Wyatt sat down across from us, chuckling at his own joke while Miranda scowled at him.

“I don’t have my tongue hanging out, thank you very much.”

Wyatt winked at me and shrugged. “Looked like it to me.

What do you think, Pagan, was she drooling or what?” I crammed another bite into my mouth. I wasn’t getting in the middle of this one. Wyatt started laughing as I pointed to my overstuffed mouth. Miranda elbowed me in the side.

“Don’t go taking his side. He’s just mean.” With a large gulp of water I washed down my food, and then stared pointedly at Miranda. “You two can hash this out all you want but I’m not getting into this. Ever since you decided to take friendship a step further last year and it came crashing down around you, all ya’ll want to do is take cheap shots at each other. Not my fight. Leave me alone.” I quickly took another bite so I wouldn’t be asked to say anything else.

When the two of them realized that they drove each other nuts because they hadn’t gotten over one another, it would make my life easier. Then again, I’d be the one alone. My boyfriend, Jay Potts, had moved away months ago and I hadn’t spoken to him since before I’d left for my Aunt’s this summer.

“That’s not what this is about! I could care less that he couldn’t keep his tongue out of Katie’s throat when I wasn’t looking,” Miranda said angrily.

“I didn’t have my tongue down anyone’s throat but yours, Miranda, but you don’t believe me and I’m tired of defending myself.” Wyatt stood and yanked his tray of untouched food up before stalking away.

“Asshole,” she murmured, watching him relocate to the jock table.

I hated seeing them like this. The three of us had been friends since third grade. Back then, Wyatt had been all arms 10

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and legs. Now, he towered over everyone with his long, muscular body. Miranda hadn’t been immune to his sudden stud qualities last year. Now, she couldn’t stand him.

“Listen, Miranda, I was thinking, maybe if you two talked about what happened without you accusing him, things might work out.” I’d tried this before and she always ignored me.

Sure enough, she started shaking her head causing her brown curls to bounce back and forth. “I know what happened, Pagan. I don’t want to talk it out with him. He’s a big, cheating liar.” She took a violent chomp out of her Granny Smith apple and continued glaring in Wyatt’s direction. “Look at him acting like he fits in over at that table. I mean, really, who does he think he is?” I followed her gaze. Wyatt sat leaning back in a chair, laughing at something another basketball player was saying.

They all seemed pleased to have Wyatt in their presence.

Normally he sat with us. This year things would be different.

I sighed, wishing I didn’t have to be the one to point out the obvious to Miranda. “He is the only guy in this school who has college scouts coming to his basketball games to watch him play. That’s who he is. Leif may be the big Kahuna on the football field, but I don’t see any college scouts knocking on his door. You can be mad at Wyatt, but he belongs at that table more than anyone else.”

Miranda turned her glare on me and instantly it transformed into a frown. “Well, he can go to college on a basketball scholarship and cheat on all those cheerleaders, then. I should warn them all.” Her voice had taken on a defeated tone as she stood up and walked toward the garbage cans. I watched her, wishing I could find a way to fix this thing between the two of them.

Someone sat down beside me in the chair Miranda had just vacated. I turned in my seat, half expecting to see the soul. Imagine my surprise when it wasn’t the unwanted soul but the arrogant jock.

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“Hey, Pagan, Mr. Yorkley said I needed to come talk to you.” Leif’s voice seemed to snap me out of my momentary shock. If Mr. Yorkley sent him, he needed some sort of academic help. However, I wasn’t sure I wanted to help, nor did I intend on making this easy for him. I managed a “so what” expression and waited in silence. Leif cleared his throat and rubbed his hands on the knees of his jeans, as if he were actually nervous.

“Uh, um, well,” he began, “I mean, that is, I need some help in Speech. It isn’t my thing and Mr. Yorkley said you were the one to talk to about getting some assistance.” He stared straight ahead as he spoke. He hadn’t even glanced over at me. I really didn’t like this guy. He finally turned his gaze my direction. I was sure he bestowed this pitifully hopeful expression on females everywhere, in order to get what he wanted. My stomach betrayed me and quivered from the affect his pleading baby blue eyes evoked. I hated that he could make my body react to him at all, other than to hurl of course.

“This is the first day of school. How can you need help already?” I asked in a voice I hoped sounded annoyed. I wasn’t a simpering idiot who could be moved by a few bats of his long eyelashes, even if my double-crossing body didn’t seem to agree. Surely I was imagining the faint blush on his cheeks.

“Um, yeah, I know, but I, well, that is Mr. Yorkley and I know I’m going to struggle,” he said a little defensively. Leif had always been a good student. I’d been in a few classes with him.

“Why do you both think you’ll struggle? Surely, you’re not afraid to speak out loud in class.”

He shook his head and stared straight ahead again. “No, that’s not it.” I waited but he didn’t say anymore.

Interestingly enough, I became intrigued.

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“I don’t really know why you need my help. It’s really simple. You write speeches about the topics assigned and then give them orally. Simple, basic, no fancy strings or hard equations.”

He turned his gaze back toward me with a sad smile. “It isn’t so easy for me.” He paused and acted like he wanted to say more, and then he shook his head and stood up, “Never mind, forget I asked.” I watched him walk past the table of his admiring fans and head outside through the double doors. I experienced a minute pang of guilt for being so hard on him. He’d come to ask for help and I’d basically just made fun of him. I reached for my tray, angry with myself for acting like a jerk. ‘Jerk’ belonged in
his
job description, not mine.

* * * *

My book bag landed on the kitchen counter with a heavy thump, announcing my return. I headed for the fridge. The fresh squeezed orange juice I’d worked so hard on yesterday sounded good.

“Pagan, honey, is that you?” My mom’s voice called from down the hall. She was huddled in the corner of her office with a large cup of coffee, typing away on her computer. I didn’t have to see her to know this. My mother is a writer.

She lives in stained sweats behind her computer.

“Yes,” I replied. Before I could pour myself a glass of orange juice, the sound of her slippers flopping against the hardwood floors surprised me. This was a strange occurrence. Rarely did she break away from her writing when I came home from school. It was usually closer to dinner time before she graced me with her presence.

“Good, I’m glad you came straight home. I need to talk to you and then I have to get dressed.” She motioned to her baggy sweats and large Atlanta Braves t-shirt. “I’m having dinner with Roger but don’t worry, I’m leaving you money to 13

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order a pizza.” She pulled a bar stool out and her friendly face turned serious. It wasn’t a good serious, either. This was the kind of serious I recognized but rarely experienced.

“What?” I asked as I set my glass down.

Mom’s back became more rigid as she cleared her throat.

The “I am disappointed in you” frown turned the corners of her lips down. I quickly racked my brain, trying to think of something I might have done to upset her, but nothing came to mind.

“I received a call, right in the middle of chapter fifteen, from Mr. Yorkley.”

Uh oh, she knew about Leif. “Mr. Yorkley?” I asked, pretending I didn’t know what this was about. Mom nodded and tilted her head to the side as if she were studying me to see if she believed I really had no idea why my teacher might call. The head tilt always made me nervous. I braced myself.

She was about to let me have it. I’d been a jerk, but in my defense it wasn’t like I did any damage. I’d made fun of the reigning king, not someone with low self-esteem.

“Apparently, there is a young man who has a learning disability and was told to seek you out for extra tutoring. You did sign up to tutor this year for extra credit. My question is: why, Pagan, would you not help a student at your school who struggles with something as serious as dyslexia? The boy, I’m told, has the opportunity to be given a scholarship on his athletic abilities, but his handicap requires he get extra help in certain classes. He needs someone to help him put the speeches he must write on paper. That doesn’t seem like too much to ask. You did say you wanted to tutor this year.

Explain to me why you chose to tell this boy no, and I’m telling you now it had better be good.” She leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest, in her “I’m waiting” stance.

Leif suffered from dyslexia? Was this a joke? I’d been going to school with him most of my life. Girls, Miranda included, knew everything about him. Heck, Miranda once told me exactly where his birthmark happened to be located.

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Not that I cared. How could Leif Montgomery have dyslexia and no one know it?

I thought back to Leif asking me for help in the lunchroom today and the way I’d acted. The revelation that Leif dealt with something like dyslexia and still managed to make such good grades bothered me. I wasn’t sure why, exactly, but it did. I liked thinking of him as a jock. Someone who managed to get heaps of good fortune dumped on his head. Now all I could think about was the way he looked today when he’d come to ask me for help. A sick knot settled in the pit of my stomach.

I glanced up at my mom and shook my head slowly, “I had no idea he had a learning disability. He’s always so cocky and sure of himself. I was surprised he came to me for help and I immediately questioned why he, of all people, would need help.”

Mom leaned forward on the bar and her frown eased some. “Well, you can make it right. I’ve raised a more compassionate child than that.”

I nodded and reached for my book bag, “I know and I’m sorry. I’ll fix it.”

She seemed appeased. “I don’t like getting calls from school about you. Especially not when I’m writing an intense murder scene.”

I smiled and put my glass into the dishwasher before turning back to her. “Sorry, I’ll try to remember that. Um, so, second date then with this Roger guy?” She blushed. “Yes, he and I seem to be able to talk for hours. I love his mind and he has traveled all over the world.

My mind is always turning when he talks of places and things I’ve never seen.”

She shrugged, “You know me, I’m always thinking of a story behind everything.”

I raised my eyebrows and leaned close to her. “And he’s a hottie.”

She giggled, which was not a normal sound for my mom 15

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to make. “Oh, now that’s not why I like him. It’s his mind and the conversation.”

I laughed out loud. “Sure it is, Mom, you just keep telling yourself that lie.”

“Okay fine, he’s rather attractive.”

“Mom, he’s a hottie and you know it. Granted, he’s an old hottie, but still.”

“He’s not old. He’s my age.”

“Exactly.”

I watched her attempt to appear hurt before she gave in and laughed. “Fine, I’m old. Your money will be on the counter when you’re ready to order some pizza.” Staying home by myself wasn’t something I enjoyed.

When I’m alone the souls I see wandering aimlessly bother me. Especially since I’d actually chatted with one today. It was easier to remind myself they were harmless when they were mute. Now, I was a little freaked out. Once I closed my bedroom door, I grabbed the cell out of my pocket and called Miranda.

* * * *

“Let me see if I’ve got this straight.” Miranda sat on the couch with a piece of pizza in her hand and a soda between her legs, staring at me. “Leif ‘rocking-hot-make-you-melt’

Montgomery asked you to help him in Speech and you turned him down? Are you as insane as I think you are? I mean really, Pagan, I thought the insaneness you so often flash about was just for show and deep down you did have some common sense.”