Facing Fear (26 page)

“Oh my God, Rick.”

A host of images fanned out like playing cards in her mind and it was easier to escape by giving in to the pleasure. She was totally out of control. Out of balance. All her senses reeled as she embraced the loving and recoiled from the horror all at once.

With a muffled cry, Nikki gave in. Leah Harden rose like a phoenix from the ashes in her center and took charge. Her husband. Her lover. And how long that had been.

Beware the frozen heart.

There was no stopping the greed of this woman’s boiling hunger for her husband, and too late, Nikki understood what price she had to pay. She was always hungry for food, ignoring her heart. Now the woman she had been, after being buried in some dark recess for so long, had been set free. This was Leah, and like some possessing entity, she was making herself known. She was no Nikki Taylor, timid and frigid, forever frozen in fear. Leah was hot and lusty, and very intent on reclaiming her husband. No made-up persona was going to stop her. She also brought with her all her memory intact—
of things done to her, of all the hours of torture and pain, and of what she had done.

Nikki could only hold on to Rick. Her head was spinning, as if some pressure valve had been released. Her body radiated with pure pleasure even as her mind screamed at the sensory overload. And her heart was bursting from the weight of both pleasure and pain.

Feed the hungry ghosts.

She was doing things that she hadn’t even known she liked, climbing over her husband like a rampaging Valkyrie, using her hair to seduce him, knowing instinctively that he loved it. That she could tie this man in knots. That she knew how and where he wanted to be touched.

He lay on his back, watching her with eyes that glittered with suppressed emotion. They had darkened into a deep jade green, the color that she had yearned to see while she lived in total darkness, that rich green that couldn’t escape her memory, even though she didn’t know it was her husband she was missing. In her despair, she just knew that color was important to her life and she had prayed to look at something green again. Her first source of pleasure had been the blade of grass she managed to get her hands on, and when she was finally freed, it was the dark, rich tones of the trees that had called to her.

She had been looking for her husband’s eyes. He was the ghost in her past, hungry for the truth. All her grandmother’s prophecies had finally come about. Now she understood.

“I don’t follow, grandmother.”

“Of course not. All of you are still alive. Wait till you’ve lost your center. Wait till the fire melts the frozen heart. Then you will find many ghosts to appease.”

Her tears plopped onto his chest as she kissed her way up his neck, and she rained urgent and desperate kisses up the side of his face, on his cheeks and eyes, trying to communicate all she was feeling without the pain of words. He suddenly tasted so familiar that she started crying harder. How could she not remember this? How had she been able to live without him?

She’d betrayed Rick. The growing horror inside threatened to spill out, as Nikki cried for all they had lost. They had both suffered so much, kept apart by circumstance beyond their control. Running her hands down his broad slick back, she reveled in the play of muscles as he shuddered and climaxed. He hugged her to him, their limbs tangling with the sheets. She still couldn’t believe that she didn’t miss pleasure like this. She had walked around half alive, unable to grasp what was missing. Everything was so clear now.

“There was no other choice when I was taken prisoner. I had to shut you off—you must understand that,” she began, as she kept caressing his back. She kneaded at the sudden tension under her fingers. “They were questioning and questioning. When no rescue was coming, they didn’t need to be nice about it any longer. Someone had betrayed the operation. They knew our logistics and how many of us there were. They singled out the few who had the most senior ranks—I knew they would show no mercy to get what they wanted—names, dates, places.”

“Continue.” She couldn’t see his expression. She tried to look up but her hair was in the way. He didn’t move; instead, he tucked her under his chin, shifting enough weight off her so she could turn into his warmth.

Pleasure could be a double-edged sword. There were other things tumbling through her mind that had nothing to do with the gentle lapping waves of satiated comfort coursing through her. Normally, she would curl into a ball and try to block out the images. Yet, in Rick’s arms, with him still in her, her body still quivering with tiny sparks of pleasure—she found herself able to deal with those dark memories. She could hear his strong beating heart as its rhythm steadied back to normal, and she placed a kiss there on his chest. She was going to need all his strength. Closing her eyes, she began.

Her whispered tale tore Rick to pieces, but he didn’t stop her. This was Leah telling him how she had mentally resigned herself to be used by other men. This was his wife revealing how she had silently bid goodbye when she saw the drugs they were administering. They had been trained to re
sist drugs used to induce information. Alternate reality became her truth as a means to survive—she was safe as long as she didn’t tell them everything. Now he had forced her to remember it all.

“Rick,” she called him back to the present. “They aren’t hurting me anymore.”

She shook her head and he realized that he had taken fistfuls of her hair while she was relaying her tale. He immediately released them. When she looked up at him, her eyes were darkened pools, and he wished he could forever chase away her pain.

“They cut your beautiful hair.”

“The first thing is to take away your identity, you know that.”

It didn’t matter that he knew the aspects of breaking a person and making him talk. Somebody broke his wife. Somebody took away
his
life. Somebody was going to pay.

“They took more than that.”

The lethal quietness in his voice sent chills through her. Something wild lurked in his green eyes that reminded her of a caged wild animal she once saw. It had been biding its time, waiting for someone to open the door. She had asked about it because she hated the idea of something so proud in captivity. They shot animals like that, she was told, because it was only a matter of time before they turned on their masters.

“I only want my files back, Rick. I wanted them to acknowledge they did this to me.” Suddenly she feared for his safety. “Somebody already killed Denise. Don’t make them come after you, too.”

He lifted his hand and stared at it for a long time. “You know, if I had strung her along a little longer, she might be alive today.”

“She was going to double-cross Gorman,” she reminded him. “There was nothing you could have done, Rick.”

He shook his head. “Not Gorman. The list has some bigger names. The only thing saving those people from discovery is for EYES to find it before we do, and—” He stopped.

“And?” She watched as he worked his jaw. The green in
his eyes deepened into a glittering dark jade. She could feel the muscles in his body tightening; her wild animal was braced for an attack.

“And the fact that you haven’t told me the truth.” His breath came out in a harsh rush.

She had to tell him herself. Rick couldn’t bring up the incident because it was crucial to see things from her point of view. If she omitted any part, then either she was lying or something was not the way it seemed. It was going to be her truth and he would hear it first.

“If I tell you that what I did back then, I did out of the foolish notion that it would save you from EYES, would you believe me?”

Her voice held uncertainty and a hint of self-loathing, and he tightened his hold on her for a second. He understood both emotions too well. “Yes.” She hiccupped a couple of times. Rick wished to let her sleep, but he couldn’t. The barrier was down. He sought to encourage her to talk. “I love you, Nikki.”

The words were equal to a magic spell releasing him from some enchanted imprisonment. Peace as he hadn’t known in ages spread like a cool mist inside. He inhaled, welcoming the lightness of being. It was easier to say it now that she remembered. He didn’t feel comfortable before because she had thought herself two different women, and he loved the same one. In response, she began crying against his chest again, harder than before.

“Oh Rick, I never meant to hurt you in any way. I don’t understand why it made sense then, but I thought…” She paused to catch her breath as her hiccups continued. “I just thought I could explain when I got back…”

Of course, she never did come back. Nikki couldn’t stop the flow of tears, grieving for so much lost for so long. In spite of all this, he said he loved her. It was humbling. He had steadfastly continued to search while she hadn’t lifted a finger to help herself. She had done him so much wrong. Would he forgive her if he knew the whole truth? That she hadn’t
even wanted to return for fear of being rejected? That she had preferred to live life without the pain?

“Don’t cry, baby. It’s over.”

“No, it’s not,” she sobbed. She was a coward, running away from everything. “It’s not over. Look at me. I’m not the same person you loved and I don’t think I can ever be. I’m not as strong as you think I am.”

“No, you look at me.” He forced her to meet his eyes. He gently wiped away her tears. “You’re a survivor. You’re still the same person inside, Nikki. Many would have been broken by your experience, but instead you rebuilt your life.”

Without me, he wanted to say. That was still too painful to accept but he must try to see things from her perspective.

“I lost you. What good is surviving when I chose to sacrifice the best part of my life?”

Her continued crying broke his heart. There was nothing to say because he had been dying without her, too. “I know, baby. Losing you was like having a limb torn off but it was worse because you were just missing. Everything was relayed to me from another party and as time went by, I couldn’t trust their version anymore, especially Gorman’s.”

She stiffened at his name. “How can one man be responsible for so much pain for so long and not get caught?” she wondered.

“What do you mean?”

She sniffed and wiped her eyes with a hand. “God, it’s been so long and now I see it like it happened yesterday. Do you remember how it was back then, Rick?”

“The two of us were very happy. We made love every day. I was going to make more money so we could start a family.”

“Stop right there. The last part. How were you going to make more money?”

Rick drew himself up, propping a pillow against the backboard before settling her against him comfortably. “I was different back then, Nikki,” he answered, trying to see where she was leading him. “We had these big plans.” All dust. All ruin.

“One of them was to get promoted.”

“Yes.”

“Your chief rival was Gorman.”

“He was on my team and yes, I knew he was one of the top candidates.” He didn’t like him then, either. There was something about Gorman that was too smooth, but he had been a good asset to the agency and they had worked together a couple of times.

“Rick, two weeks before my assignment, I accidentally heard Gorman on the phone with someone. I was checking up some data in the library and there was someone talking softly back there where I knew few went. I got closer and overheard most of the conversation. He was talking about you, reporting on your activities.”

“Jesus.” Why didn’t she tell him then?

“He said the sting operation wouldn’t have worked because you were a”—Nikki closed her eyes, remembering the scene vividly now—“because you were a ‘careful bastard in spite of acting rashly when it came to regulations.”

Rick recalled that as his reputation back then. “I was under fire a lot because I didn’t follow some of their damn red tape.” He ran weary fingers through his hair. “I was a far cry from what I am today, Nikki. I ignored so many warnings, I thought there was no way I could even compete with Gorman for the promotion.”

“Yet someone nominated you as one of the top two. Gorman was the other.”

“Yes, he got the promotion too, not long after.” History sometimes tasted strangely bitter. He left unsaid that the black mark against him was the death knell to any sort of career with EYES. He was demoted to a desk job until Gorman was promoted again a few years later, as deputy chief director of Task Force Two. Gorman had picked him, of all people, to be his operations chief, and Rick had seen it as a way out of EYES and a way to work up the bureaucrat ladder to find out what had happened to the disastrous operation.

There was a pause, and even though more questions arose, Rick let her sift through her mind as she connected the past
with the present. He had waited ten long years. A few more minutes didn’t matter.

“I heard enough to know that he was planning with someone higher up with access to your personal files, and that they were coordinating some kind of sting operation against you. The setup wasn’t clear but it had to do with your last case.” She sat up, her eyes darting restlessly as she stared into space. Frowning, she bit her lower lip as she gathered her long hair in a bunch and began braiding it.

The gesture was so familiar that Rick had to stop himself from pulling her back into his arms. Leah used to braid her hair when she had something on her mind. He lay there watching Nikki, absorbing the picture of her naked in his bed, her fingers busy, her brow puckered as she brooded. He reached out to stroke the top of the braid, and she smiled at him tremulously.

“I can’t remember what your last operation was,” she told him.

It was now his turn to sift through his memory. “The one they were referring to probably had to do with the big stink I raised over losing the foreign asset assignment. I was so angry they didn’t pick him up immediately. I broke a few rules, didn’t get the right paperwork done, and when they threatened to censure me, I countered with information against those who falsified red tape. I told EYES I would expose their little network of lies.” Rick shrugged. He was younger then, very sure of himself and his ability to escape any situation. “I had no intention of doing that, of course, since that involved months of paperwork, but it was a good way to get them off my back. That’s why I didn’t understand how I was even considered for that promotion, seeing that I just raised their hackles up with my wonderful tact.”