Fading (39 page)

"Ryan's frustrated with me."

"What makes you say that?" Jase asks while chopping up the peppers for the stir-fry he's making.

"I just get the feeling that he is. I mean, we've been together for a few months and haven't done anything more than kiss. He has to be getting annoyed with me."

"But he hasn't said anything?"

"No, I don't think he would though."

"Do you trust him?"

Taking a sip of my wine and setting down the glass, I say, "Yeah, but I'm scared he's going to compare me. I mean, how could he not? It's only natural, right?"

"No, it's not. It's not like that. You're someone new to him, and he clearly loves you. He would be a total ass to compare you."

I widen my eyes when he says that Ryan loves me, and he catches the look on my face when he sets down the knife and questions me, "What?"

"God, Jase, you think he loves me?"

"Candace, have you seen the way he looks at you? Yes, the guy loves you." He scoops up the peppers and onions and dumps them into the hot skillet, shaking it around and flipping the vegetables. When he turns back around, he laughs. "Why do you look so surprised?"

"Because, I just...I mean..."

"Do you love him?"

"Jase!"

"Seriously. Do you?"

"At times when we are together I feel like I do. I mean...I think I do. Honestly, I am overwhelmed most of the time. But I'm scared. All I know is that I have never felt this way about anyone else."

"What are you so scared of?"

"Everything."

He turns around, picks up the skillet, and pours the stir-fry onto our plates. We walk into the living room and set them down on the coffee table to cool when he continues, "Explain to me what
everything
is."

I empty out my thoughts with Jase because I know I can tell him anything and he will never judge me. "I'm scared I might freak out on him, and he'll think I'm weird and won't want to waste his time with me. I'm scared I'm not enough for him. I'm worried he will somehow know what happened to me, and he'll be disgusted by me. And I'm scared of losing him, for whatever reason. What if this thing ends up badly and I'm left hurt?"

"If that does happen, you'll be okay. You're strong. I know you don't see it, but I do. You're the strongest person I know."

"I don't feel like it."

"You are. And everyone has fears in a new relationship. It doesn't make you weak; it makes you real. I was scared when Mark and I got back together. Scared that somehow I would screw it up again. That I would fall for him and then he would realize what a dick I was and leave. Scared that his family wouldn't like me. I was scared of a lot, but I still wanted him more than I wanted to give up."

"But everything that Mark was telling us. The stuff about all the girls. It's true."

"What did he say?"

I don't tell Jase everything, because what Ryan told me is private, and I want to keep it that way, so I say, "He said it was a rough time in his life, and he used women as a distraction. I asked him how many and he just told me it was a lot. But today when I stopped by his place, one of his friends was there, and he made a comment that's really been bothering me."

I pick up my plate and start moving the food aimlessly around as I continue, "So, Ryan and I were walking to his office to talk, and his friend made a remark about us having sex in there and that it wouldn't be the first time Ryan has done that."

"God."

"I know. So, when we were alone, I got upset, but then I felt bad for him. You should have seen the look on his face, Jase. It was horrible. I know he felt embarrassed, so I let it go and didn't say anything else."

"That's probably best. I mean, what is there really to say?"

"I know. It just makes me uncomfortable to think about that stuff happening at his place, and now I'm hanging out there."

"That sucks, but you can't think about all that. It's just going to eat at you."

I take a big bite of food, tilt my head back, and say, "I know," so that none of it falls out of my mouth.

Laughing at me, he jokes, "Is that how they taught you to eat at the country club?"

We both laugh and enjoy our dinner, dropping all serious conversation aside.

After dinner we simply hang out like we used to, watching trash TV and relaxing. We decide to call it a night around midnight. We lie down in his bed to sleep. We have been sleeping together for the past four years. I have always found it to be comforting, not sexual at all. Being able to have that closeness with Jase has really bonded us together. I know I can totally be free and open with him, and I need that. I don't have that with anyone else. He's seen me at my absolute worst, and has never abandoned me.

I've been studying and trying to get ahead in my classes this afternoon. Knowing that my audition is in a couple of weeks, I have been spending most of my free time at the studio. Kimber has been at her parents' house all weekend, so I have the house to myself.

I've been working on a project for one of my classes for the past few hours when Ryan drops by. I welcome the distraction as we hang out in my room and talk. I can tell something is bothering him, and I just assume it has something to do with what Gavin said yesterday at his place.

But before I can say anything, he says, "I need to talk to you about something."

Sitting on my bed, I cross my legs and say, "Okay," feeling a little nervous at the seriousness in his tone.

"Look, I get your relationship with Jase, and I haven't ever had any issues with it, but I don't like that you guys still sleep together."

"But, it's not like that."

"I know, but I still don't like it."

"But..."

He turns to face me, placing his hands on my knees, and says, "I know it isn't like that with you two. I get it. But I don't like the thought of you in bed with another man holding you. I want to be that guy. I want you to want me to be that guy, not Jase."

When I hear the crack in his voice, I know that this is really affecting him. Returning the honesty, I tell him, "I want you to be that guy, but I don't know how. Jase is so unthreatening to me because he's just my friend."

"Why do you think I'm threatening?"

My hands begin to fidget when I tell him, "Because you could easily walk away from me." I have to look away from him because the honesty I just put out there is too much for me.

He scoots right up next to me and says, "You think it would be easy for me to walk away? It wouldn't be easy, babe. And I doubt there is anything you could say or do that would make me want to walk away. It kills me that you're so scared of me."

When I look up at him, I confess, "You're the only person I've ever felt this way about, and I don't want to lose you."

He shifts on his knees and leans into me until I am lying on my back. He's supporting himself above me on his one elbow and wraps his other hand around my head, pulling me in for a slow kiss. I hold his face in my hands as his lips dance across mine. When he pulls back, he takes his time staring at me, and I get lost in his clear-blue eyes for a moment before he says, "You're not gonna lose me, babe. I love you too much to let you go."

The pounding of my heart is all I can hear as I try to digest his words, and I know that I love him too. I just can't bare myself that much to him, so I clench my need to say it back to him. The love I feel for him overtakes me, and I start to blink out the tears that fill my eyes. When I nod my head, he leans down and melds his mouth to mine, gliding his tongue across mine. I pull him down on me as I grab his hair with my other hand. I need to be close to him, to somehow show him that I do love him, even though I can't say the words yet.

He reaches down and skims the skin between my pants and my top with his knuckles, and I begin to quiver under his touch, but I allow it. I need to give him more. He flips his hand and begins running his palm up my stomach slowly. My breaths become short, and I try to focus more on his kisses than his wandering hand.

Holding him tight against me, I lean my head forward and nestle it in the crook of his neck. His hand stops right below my bra, and he keeps it there. I know I have to try, so I whisper with a tremble, "It's okay." Dropping his mouth on my shoulder, he grazes his lips across my sensitive skin, kissing and gently sucking as he covers my lace-covered breast with his hand. Pushing my head harder into his shoulder, I hold on tightly to him.

"God, you're perfect," he mumbles between his kisses, and when I feel his thumb skim across my nipple, a whimper escapes my mouth.

Lifting his head up, he says, "Don't hide from me, babe."

I slowly let my head fall back onto the pillow and open my eyes. A few locks of his hair have fallen over his forehead, and his eyes are locked on mine. Keeping his hand on my breast, I pull him down for a kiss. He hooks his finger under the lace of my bra and slides it across my bare skin. Our legs are tangled together, and when he starts to tug at the fabric, I get a flash of Jack tugging at my bra, and my body tenses up. "Please, don't."

Ryan doesn't say anything as he slides his hand from underneath my shirt and moves it to my head, threading his fingers through my hair.

"I'm sorry."

"Look at me," he demands, and when I do, he continues, "When we're together like this, I don't ever want you to be sorry for anything, okay?"

Nodding my head, he kisses me lightly, barely brushing my lips with his when he says one more time, "I love you, babe."

Sitting at my desk, I finish emailing a paper to one of my professors when there's a soft knock on my bedroom door.

"Come in," I say as I hit send and close the lid to my laptop.

Kimber opens my door and asks, "Can I come in?"

"Umm, yeah."

She walks in and takes a seat on the end of my bed, and I turn my chair around to face her, when she says, "I need to talk to you about after graduation."

I have hardly spoken to Kimber in months, so sitting here with her in my room makes me a little nervous.

"Okay."

"Well, I didn't know what your plans were."

"My only plan is to try and find a job. I've always had my heart set on New York, but I will go wherever I get an offer from. Why?"

"I was thinking that it might not be a good idea if you lived here after we graduate."

"Oh." I feel a lump forming in my throat and I want to cry, but I don't. We used to be so close, like sisters, and now she wants me out. How could I let things get this bad between us where she doesn't want me here?

"It's hard having you around and us not talking. I just don't feel like we are even friends anymore. It's been five months, Candace."

"I don't know what to say."

"I wish you would just talk to me. But, honestly, I don't even know if it would do any good at this point. I don't want to continue walking around here with this tension every day."

"Okay," I say. I'm hurt and pissed at myself for causing this fracture between us and now I wonder if this is even fixable.

Neither one of us says anything else, and it's only when she leaves that I begin to cry. When I pick up the phone to call Jase, it starts ringing in my hand. Being upset, I answer it without looking to see who is calling.