Fashionably Dead in Diapers (13 page)

"What happened?" Ethan demanded as he gently helped me to my feet and brushed the dirt from my pants.

A tingle shot through me as his hand brushed mine. My eyes turned green and my fangs descended. Poopycrappypoop, this was going to become an issue if he was near. I pushed him away and gathered myself. He was dangerous to my morality and my lady parts. From the grin on his face, he knew exactly what was going on in my rattled brain. What a turdwanker.

"Nothing happened," I bit out and put some more space between us. "I was just shocked, appalled, astonished and the list goes on that Xanthia looks like a freakin' amusement park."

The Reggie and The Henry looked insulted and The Kev simply laughed. "That's because it is," The Kev said. "At the moment the funhouse is not fun, but we are here to rectify that."

"An amusement park? Really?" I asked. Fairies were whacked.

"What did you expect?" The Kev was delighted with my response. "My disguises tend to be cheesy stars from the 1980s. Doesn't it make sense that I would have been raised in a deranged carnival?"

"So that's why you chose Arnold Schwarzenegger and David Hasselhoff?" I asked…and then doubled over in pain as more pieces of my past came to light. "Oh my Hell, it hurts to remember."

"What is wrong with her?" The Reggie demanded with disgust. "We can have no weak links on this mission."

"I'm not a weak link, weenie-breath," I snapped as I stood back up and glared. "I'm a deadly weapon with a few missing parts at the moment. If you insult me again, I will practice my unknown skills on your Fairy hiney."

"My hiney?" The Reggie sneered.

I'd had enough of his bad ‘tude and condescending manner. Without having any clue what would happen, I lifted my hand and flicked my fingers at the rude jerk. Much to my shock and The Reggie's a fine glittering peach mist flew at him so quickly he had no time to duck. He gasped, cried out and fell to the ground with a thud.

"Oh my God, what did I do?" I yelled as I ran over to the nasty Fairy.

"At least you didn't pop him," Ethan muttered. His long strides carried him to the spot where the Fairy writhed and swore on the ground.

"Whoops." I cringed as I took in what I had done. The Reggie now looked like The Regina—double-E boobs and all. His once closely cropped black hair was now a mass of shiny ebony curls and his makeup was flawless. However, his outfit was rather alarming—hot pink booty shorts and a bra top that made his boobs look like weapons. His scream of terror and fury almost made me cower. Almost.

"Change me back," he ground out through clenched teeth as The Henry stood by and tried not to laugh. "Now."

"Say please." I grinned as I took in my handiwork. Hells bells, I had no clue how to undo what I had just done.

"Please," he snapped.

"Nicer," I told him, buying time before I had to admit he might be stuck as The Regina with the ginormous rack for eternity.

Sucking in a huge amount of air through his nose and blowing it out slowly through his mouth, he got to his feet and turned to me. "Please," he begged as he pathetically pushed his wild locks out of his eyes. "Please change me back."

His tone was nice even though he looked like he still wanted to kill me. I didn't think he would—at least not until I magically altered him. The Henry was enjoying himself a little too much for my pleasure and I was starting to feel guilty about The Reggie—especially his bosom. Those knockers were horrible. If I couldn't remove them, he would have to get custom bras made and live with backaches the rest of his immortal life. Um…cowballs, what should I do?

Come clean that I had no clue what I was doing? Or try to restore him?

Decisions sucked. If I was going to be of any use here, I needed to step up my game. If I couldn't undo a spell that changed a man to a woman, then how could I be useful in saving Ethan's baby and his concubines, Martha and Jane? With a quick shake of my head to clear my thoughts I flicked my fingers again. I prayed to my Uncle God, I wouldn't turn The Reggie into a toad or a monster or something worse—like a woman with even bigger hooters.

I flicked my fingers a second time, then closed my eyes and waited. If I screwed up I was sure The Reggie would exact his revenge with his fists. If I was successful then maybe he wouldn't be such a butthonk to me. Certainly I would have put the fear of grossly overblown boobs into his head and he would be more pleasant. Or…

"Very good, Astrid." The Kev said, congratulating me.

I opened my eyes slowly. The Reggie was back to his gorgeous self. My body sagged with relief.

"You had no idea what you were doing, did you?" The Reggie asked as he paled and checked his body for abnormalities.

"Um…nope." I grinned and shrugged. "However, I would suggest staying on my good side. If that's what happens when I'm winging it, no telling what will happen when I get my memory back."

"So noted," The Reggie said as he backed away from me in either awe or fear.

Whatever. As long as he wasn't crawling up my backside with his snarky rudeness I didn't care.

"If she gets her memory back," The Henry added.

"She will get her memory back," Ethan snapped to a suddenly contrite The Henry. I was sure he didn't want his head removed by an irate Vampyre.

The Kev said nothing, which was worrisome. Was there a chance I would never get my mind back? That was unacceptable. It would devastate my human husband and would scar my ten children. Ten? Did I have ten? Why in the Hell would I ever have agreed to ten children? That husband of mine, whatever his name was, was going to have some freakin' explaining to do.

"So what's the plan?" I asked. We needed to get the show on the road.

"Who's your favorite female singer?" The Kev inquired as he conjured vials of liquid out of thin air.

"Um…I like Pink," I answered.

"Ethan?" he asked.

"Alive or dead?"

"Alive would be preferable," The Kev said. He shook the vials and whispered in some unidentifiable language over them.

"I enjoy Adam Levine," Ethan said. It amazed me that a five-hundred and twenty-two–year-old Vamp still kept up with pop culture.

"That won't do," The Kev said. "He's on
The Voice
. It's a conflict of interest."

"Care to explain?" Ethan asked, truly confused.

"No, not really," The Kev replied as he eyeballed the contents of the vials critically. "Just choose another male singer."

"Frank Sinatra."

"Nope, he's dead," The Reggie said. "Has to be alive."

"Oh, for fuck’s sake," Ethan groused. "Elvis?"

"Dead."

"Jim Morrison?"

"Dead." The Reggie was enjoying himself.

"Keith Richards?"

"Very close to dead. I'd pick someone else," I chimed in.

"And who would you pick, Astrid?" Ethan asked. "Who do you find attractive?"

My instinct was to yell "YOU" and then jump him and ride him like a cowboy, but I couldn't. Number one, I was married and number two, there were entirely too many witnesses. "Um, I like Eminem and Jon Bon Jovi."

"What does this Eminem sing?" Ethan asked.

Clearly he wasn't too immersed pop culture.

"Rap," I told him and he shuddered.

"That's not singing," he huffed. "Does this Bon Jovi rap?"

"Nope, he sings and he's hot."

Ethan's eyes narrowed to slits and I swear he was jealous. "I choose Bon Jovi," he snapped to The Kev.

"Very well," The Kev said. "Drink these."

He held out two vials. Mine was filled with a bubbly purple liquid and Ethan's was filled with a bright blue fizzy concoction. Did he expect us to drink that crap? The last time…

"Is it going to taste like ass again?" I asked, and then slapped my hand over my mouth. My other hand went to my head as a blast of icy pain shot through it and I winced. I wasn't sure if I was more pissed about the fact that the word ass had flown from my mouth or if it was because I was in excruciating pain from remembering more. "This sucks," I yelled as I massaged my head.

The Kev ignored my outburst and forced the glass tube into my shaking hands. "Yes, it will taste bad. Yes, even though you are a Vampyre you can drink this. It's liquid—if it was solid your body would reject it. The effects will be temporary, but if you wish to rescue the child without having to defend your life every five minutes during your visit to Xanthia I'd suggest you drink it."

"Wait," I yelled. "Vampyres can't eat food?" What kind of crappy deal was that?

Everyone stared at me like I'd grown three heads. How was I supposed to know that? I still wasn't convinced my name was Astrid. Now I find out I can't eat a cheeseburger ever again? I'm married to a douche knuckle who was too wimpy to come on a mission. I have fifteen children and I can never eat a whole pizza again. Depressed didn't even begin to cover my emotions at the moment.

Ethan took his vial and swallowed the contents with a grimace and a gag. I refused to be bested by the sexy Vamp, so I threw mine back too. Holy poop on a paper towel, it was disgusting. Dizziness consumed me and I slowly sat on the ground so I didn't fall.

I felt Ethan lower himself to the ground next to me and moan. I reached out and took his hand. If he felt anything like I did, he was miserable. His hand was big and warm and I was so tempted to lay my head on his chest for comfort, but he wasn't mine. He squeezed my hand as my suddenly heavy eyelids closed. I smiled dreamily at how lovely his hand felt in mine.

I could never admit it aloud, but I wished
he
was my husband. I wanted him with everything I had. Well, too bad, so sad. He was married with a kid and so was I. Life kind of sucked, but I knew in my gut I was a survivor and I would survive this too. I just hoped this mission wouldn't take too long. I wouldn't be able to hold out against the hotter than Hades Vampyre for much longer.

Chapter 11

Leaving children to their own devices is risky—especially if the device is a TV. You're much better off playing a board game with your child—even poker. If you have to use the boob tube, stick to educational television. Too much reality TV can cause your child to think like a Fairy. This is not good… just look at what a spoiled snarky brat Tinkerbell turned out to be.

"Explain this again," I said as I paced the tree line in a slightly panicked manner. I kept running my hands through my newly short hair and my stomach was twisted in knots. It's not that I didn't like Pink's music. I loved it and I thought she was a very attractive woman. However, I did not want her face or her body. I already had a few memory issues. Being a doppelganger for a rock star was not going to help.

"It's temporary," The Kev insisted. "You'll be safer this way. The Fairies will be delighted I have brought Pink and Jon Bon Jovi for a visit. Trust me on this."

I glanced over at Ethan and threw my hands in the air. "Well, it didn't work on him. He looks the same."

"It worked," The Kev said. "Everyone sees Pink and Bon Jovi except you and Ethan. You two can see each other because…" He stopped mid sentence with a look of horror on his face.

"What?" I yelled. "Just tell me. I promise I won't implode. At least I don't think I will. This cryptic bullpoop is killing me."

"Say
bullshit
," The Kev said.

"No," I told him. "I don't need to swear to get my point across. Swearing is for those with small vocabularies and sub-par intelligence."

The grunt that erupted from Ethan's mouth sounded like a strangled cow. He turned and walked away. What the Hell was his problem?

"Say
fuck
," The Kev tried again.

"Absolutely not," I snapped. "What does using improper terms for sexual intercourse have to do with me learning who I am?"

"Everything," The Kev said. "We don't have time for this right now. The Gus and The Bob will be here momentarily and we need a plan in place before they come."

"Why?" Ethan asked warily. "Do you not trust them?"

The Kev said nothing as he pulled out a map of the amusement park that was Xanthia. He shot Ethan a quick look of censure when The Reggie and The Henry were otherwise occupied. Ethan's eyes narrowed yet again and he made a soft sound of disgust. Clearly The Kev didn't trust any of the Fairies completely. Good to know. I wasn't sure I trusted The Kev or Ethan completely, but I knew for sure I didn't trust the other Fairies.

"The Corrine loves
American Idol
and has created a version for Xanthia. The Dark Realm have an affinity for the singing shows and the Light Realm prefer the dance competitions," The Kev said logically.

As if any of that was remotely logical.

"So I'm guessing there haven't been many dance competitions in the past century or so," I muttered as I played with my short blonde locks.