Fashionably Dead in Diapers (14 page)

"No," The Reggie griped. "We have been barraged by singing Fairies. Did you know that most Fairies are tone deaf? Do you realize what utter Hell it is to listen to ten weeks of tone deaf Fairies singing Lady Gaga and Michael Jackson?"

"Um, that would suck," I told him.

"Suck doesn't begin to cover it," he screamed, turning redder by the second. "Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson are enablers, and Simon Cowell is a bitch."

"Wait. What?" What in the Hell was he talking about? The Reggie was unstable and I wasn't sure why The Kev thought it was a good idea to have a flipped out Fairy help us. The Reggie was clearly close to having an aneurysm.

"They are Fairies," The Kev said as he watched The Reggie begin to uproot trees and throw them into the woods.

"You're kidding. Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell are Fairies?" I asked as I ducked to avoid a rather large spruce that was flying through the air.

"I only wish I was kidding," The Kev said as he grabbed The Reggie and stopped his tree chucking shenanigans. "They had been on Earth for thousands of years and then they had the bright idea to become hosts of a singing show. It was bad enough that Paula pursued a rather alarming singing career herself, but this was too much. Becoming so famous brought focused attention on them, which is very, very bad for us. The risk of discovery is forbidden and punishable by death."

"So what the Hell happened?" I asked as I watched The Kev tie The Reggie's arms in a knot to stop his tantrum. The Henry stood by and watched with satisfaction as his buddy was turned into a pretzel.

"They were told to make enough trouble so they would be fired," The Henry explained. "The Paula began to drink massive quantities of Fairy Juice and The Simon asked for too much money and got so bitchy he was barely palatable."

"And The Randy?" I inquired, still trying to swallow this new bit of bizarre info.

"He did nothing. The Randy knew the antics of The Paula and The Simon would be sufficient," The Henry replied.

"Is Ryan Seacrest a Fairy?"

"Oh, Heavens no," The Reggie grunted as he tried in vain to untangle his arms. "He's a Troll."

"Wait," I yelled as I jackknifed forward to stop the pain in my gut. "I've heard of Trolls…I think."

Ethan stopped pacing and stared at me hopefully.

"Am I friends with one?" I asked, frustrated and sick and tired of being in pain.

"I certainly hope not," The Henry huffed as he moved discretely away.

"No, you are not friends with any Trolls," Ethan said. "Trolls are assholes. They are destructive and deadly."

"Well, then how is Ryan Seacrest able to get away with being on TV?" I asked. Why was I even having this conversation?

"He's only a quarter Troll," The Kev answered.

"And the rest?" I don't know why I asked questions that I didn't want the answers to.

"Unicorn."

"Of course Ryan Seacrest is a farking Unicorn. I mean, anyone could see that," I shouted. These douche canoes were insane. "Look, let’s just find the baby and Ethan's gal pals and get the Hell out of Dodge."

"They are
not
my gal pals," Ethan said, exasperated. "If anything, they're yours."

"I'm gay?" I said, totally surprised. I didn't feel gay. My redonkulous desire to play hide the salami with the sexy Vampyre would lead me to believe I was straight, but who knew? Maybe I had a wife and she gave birth to half of our sixteen children and I had the other half. Still, blowing out eight kids was a lot. It was a relief I didn't give birth to all sixteen of my kids. Why would I have thought it was socially responsible to have sixteen children? It's not like I even had any fun getting pregnant. Did I use a turkey baster?

"You're not gay," Ethan said, thankfully putting an end to my heinous inner monologue. "Do you really not remember?"

"If I'm asking if I'm a lesbian, does it sound like I remember?" I demanded.

He had some nerve. He knew all the answers. All he had to do was tell me, but The Kev said no. I had to do it on my own. Hells bells, it was probably going to hurt like a motherhumper when it all came back…if it came back. Buttcramppoopwanker.

"She will remember," The Kev assured us. I wasn't sure I believed him, but I wanted to. "Let it go for now," he advised. "It will happen when it is supposed to."

"The plans?" The Henry asked.

"Is anyone going to untie me?" The Reggie whined.

"Are you going to stop throwing trees?" The Kev inquired.

"Yes," he ground out.

"Boulders?"

"Yes."

"People?"

"You drive a hard bargain," The Reggie groused, "but I will behave."

"Fine." The Kev wiggled his fingers at The Reggie and his arms were restored to pre-pretzel. He rotated them and sighed with relief. "We have allies throughout the Kingdom. The competition will take place tonight and we will take Samuel during the show. There will be much chaos and most of the Fairies will be hopped up on Fairy Juice. It's our best shot. The Bob and The Gus should have the intel as to where they are keeping Samuel, Martha and Jane…"

"Are they gay?" I asked.

"The Bob and The Gus?" The Kev asked.

"No, Martha and Jane."

"What does that have to do with anything?" The Reggie asked as he eyed me with distrust.

"It has nothing to do with anything," I said. "I'm just trying to remember shit and it popped into my head."

"She said
shit
," The Henry pointed out.

"No, I didn't."

"Did."

"Did not," I yelled as little sparks began to shoot from my fingertips. "Take it back or I'll give you a set of knockers that will make Dolly Parton's look prepubescent."

"Fine," The Henry screeched as he ran and hid behind The Reggie. "You didn't say
shit
."

"Thank you," I said primly as I fluffed my spiked hairdo.

"You actually did," Ethan informed me with delight. "You said it loud and clear."

"Duck," The Henry bellowed in terror to Ethan. "She's going to give you boobs."

"No, she won't," he said with confidence.

"Don't be so sure," I warned.

He grabbed me and put his lips to my ear, which sent erotic shivers down my spine and straight to my hoohoo. "You won't disfigure me because you like what you see," he whispered and then nipped at my earlobe.

I was speechless and so horny I wanted to die. I was a heartbeat away from tearing his clothes off when The Bob and The Gus appeared in a blast of silver glitter. The Bob and The Gus were now secretly nicknamed the cock blockers. I'd never been so thankful to see Fairies in my life. I almost cheated on my wife…no, my husband. Whatever. The bottom line was I almost had public intercourse with a cocky Vampyre.

"Hello, The Kev," one of the new Fairies purred. I didn't like him a bit and from the growl Ethan let slip, he didn't either. "I see you're still slumming it with Vampyres." His laugh was grating and his mannerisms highly effeminate.

"They're gay," The Henry whispered in my ear so softly I wasn't sure I heard him correctly.

"I see you haven't gotten over your prejudice of the race that almost removed your head on three occasions I believe, The Bob," The Kev countered with a huge grin.

"I'm still here," the Fairy said silkily. "So you want information…what are you willing to trade?" The Bob asked as he leered at Ethan.

Did The Bob want Ethan in exchange for information? That was so not happening. Why wasn't The Kev speaking? Was he considering trading my Vampyre? Was he more invested in avenging Gemma than he was in getting Ethan's son back? Was I going to have to kill a bunch of Fairies? Wait…
could
I kill a bunch of Fairies?

It was a good thing they brought me even though I didn't know which end was up at the moment. Men, no matter the species, were dumb. I was going to handle this shit. Oh my Hell, I guess I did say
shit
. It’s okay though. Shit wasn't that bad. It's perfectly fine to say shit and Hell. Nothing else.

"He’s mine," I said as I stepped up to Ethan and shoved him behind my back.

"This is your mate?" The Bob asked with narrowed eyes.

"Yep," I lied. "He's my meat."

"Your
mate
," Ethan corrected me.

"That's what I said." I smiled at The Bob and grabbed Ethan's ass. I was taking no chances. Oh. My. God. He had a fine ass. I still had no clue if The Kev would trade Ethan, but it wasn't going to happen on my clock.

"I had no idea Pink and Bon Jovi were an item," The Bob said skeptically. "Does the human press know?"

"No," Ethan cut in as he copped a feel of my ass for The Bob to see. "And we'd like to keep it that way for the moment."

"Interesting," a nasal voice belonging to The Gus chimed in. "The Corrine will be ecstatic you have brought such esteemed guests, The Kev. Did you bring our new Queen?" he inquired as he scanned the area for others.

"Why would I do that?" The Kev replied in a voice that made the hair on my arms stand up. Ethan pulled me toward him and away from the Fairies.

"Of course you wouldn't," The Gus backpedaled quickly as he bowed to The Kev and groveled. "I assumed she would come for her son."

"Now here's something interesting," The Kev said. "The child is not
her
son."

"What?" The Henry gasped and blanched. The Reggie looked confused and The Gus and The Bob sneered.

"Nice try," The Bob said. "We have proof it's her son. The Corrine is evil but not stupid."

"I beg to differ," I muttered.

"What was that, Pink?" The Reggie asked.

"I said,
I beg to differ
. The child does not belong to Gemma, your True Queen. The Corunda got it wrong. Therefore, she is evil
and
stupid," I concluded, watching with satisfaction as they almost had heart attacks at my mispronunciation her name. God, they were easy. This was going to be fun.

The Kev watched the exchange closely as his lips thinned with displeasure. I hoped to Hell he wasn't mad at me. I was fairly sure he hated The Corrine. The other Fairies hopped around and exchanged worried glances. The Bob and The Gus were beside themselves.

"Um, Pink?" The Bob said cautiously. "I know The Corrine will be honored you have graced Xanthia with your presence. Having a real rock star here will be epic, but if you call her by the wrong name…"

"What will happen?" I asked, hoping they'd say she'd kill me. I wasn't sure why, but I had an intense desire to off The Corrine and if she started it first, it would be self defense on my part. It was on the tip of my brain as to why I wanted to tear her apart with my bare hands. I just couldn't reach it yet, but I would.

"Well," The Gus gushed and attempted to kiss my ass, "let's just say she would be very, very, very, very upset, and leave it at that."

"The Goose and The Boob, I can't promise you anything, but I will do my best," I told them and watched as they blanched in horror at their new titles. "So where's our baby?"

"The child is yours?" The Bob asked, completely confused. "Did you have a child with Bon Jovi? I thought you we both married to others…"

"We are," I cut him off. "It was just a figure of speech."

I could have sworn Ethan muttered something about
snot, but
I missed it. Did Vampyres have bodily functions? I didn't think so, but again…what the Hell did I know about anything? Maybe our noses could run.

"So, you two are having an affair?" The Gus inquired as his eyes wandered jealously over Ethan from head to toe.

What the Hell? Ethan was straight, married and having an affair with Pink and they still wanted a piece of him. They were man-whores, but if they could tell us where the baby was I would reduce their sentence to man-sluts.

"Yes," Ethan replied quickly before I could refute him. "Where are the child and the other Vampyres?"

"They're being held separately," The Bob said. "The Vampyres have bargained for their lives. The Corrine has little use for them and wanted to kill them, but they are quite crafty."

"And violent," The Gus added.

"And sexy," The Reggie chimed in.

Both The Kev and Ethan turned away. Ethan sounded like he was coughing up a hairball and The Kev sounded like he had whooping cough. What was the deal? I was getting more and more certain Ethan was boffing Martha and Jane. Was The Kev boffing them too? Gemma would not be happy with that. I may not remember my name, but I was sure that Gemma would tie The Kev’s nuts in a knot if he cheated on her.

I'd remove my husband's privates with a dull butter knife if he did the nasty with someone else. Which was why I was not going to cheat on my husband, or possibly wife, with Ethan…no matter how much I wanted to. It didn't matter one bit he was the hottest man I'd ever seen. Nope. The fact that when I closed my eyes I could still see his face was immaterial. The way his ass filled out his jeans and the way his shirt pulled across his perfectly muscled chest when he moved was unimportant. No, no, no, no. I would not do the pretty Vampyre.