Fashionably Dead in Diapers (15 page)

Oh my Hell, I said
ass
. An ass is a donkey, so it’s not really a bad word…

Okay. I can say ass and Hell. Shit is a little iffy, but I'd already committed to it and I felt good about it. No more. I would not add any more bad words.

The Kev, having regained his composure, rejoined the group. "Tell me where. Where is the child and where are the Vamps?"

"They keep moving the child," The Henry said as The Gus glared daggers at him.

"He was asking me," The Gus spat as The Henry backed off in fear. Clearly there was a pecking order here, but The Kev obviously trusted The Reggie and The Henry more. They knew our real faces and identities. The Gus and The Bob were higher up on the food chain, but were to be trusted less. Good to know.

"They keep moving the child," The Gus repeated. "Apparently he has burned down a number of houses and caused a few minor problems."

"The Goop," I said kindly as I shrugged in confusion. "Fairies can't handle a baby? This surprises me. Maybe this was a mistake coming here…and I was going to do a free concert and everything."

"Oh sweet Tinkerbell in a prairie dress." The Bob gasped and fell to his knees. "Please, Pink, you must do a concert. The Corrine will be happy for a moment or two and will stop her systematic murdering of the Light."

"Ohh Bopo, The Corruna sounds like a megalomaniac bitch," I said as The Reggie, The Henry, Ethan and The Kev stared at me open mouthed. I was positive the Fairies were shocked at my slight to their leader, but Ethan was surprised by my language. I still couldn't remember who I really was, but potty words were definitely starting to come easier.

"A bitch is a female dog," I explained to Ethan, whose grin set my panties on fire.

"Yes, it is, Pink. Yes, it is."

Why did his approval mean so much? I knew my grin was splitting my face, but I didn't care. I wanted more…

"So I'm getting tired of this shit, you bitches. Where the Hell are they hiding the baby and the concubine Vampyres?" I smiled and tried to toss my hair over my shoulder to drive my point home. I had used all my potty words in one sentence and I was proud. Ethan's wink all but did me in. However, you can't toss short hair. Being Pink was not working for me. The faster we got done here the faster I could be myself…whoever that was.

"You heard the lady," The Kev said as he crossed his massive arms over his massive chest. "Answer her."

"Why do Pink and Bon Jovi want the child?" The Bob asked, getting agitated.

That was a really good question. A question I had no answer to, but not knowing the answer had never stopped me before…

"Outstanding observation, The Gas," I yelled as I wracked my brain for something that made a modicum of sense. "It's because Bon Jovi got his weenie tied off and um…we want a child together. Not to…ah…mention, we're Vampyres and can't reproduce unless we are having semi-regular sexual intercourse with humans. Clearly we're both rock star Vampyres who are married to other people who most likely are not mythical creatures like we are…and even though we…um…have very regular and aerobic intimate relations, we have not successfully blown out a baby. Mostly because we're dead and Bon Jovi's little swimmers aren't swimming anymore since his Johnson was fixed. We heard about the…you know…stolen baby and we want him. Is that too much to ask? It's not like you dumbasses even need him now because he's not the true Queen's spawn. You can't negotiate a farked up blackmail scheme with a random baby. And I want him," I informed the traumatized crowd.

I realized I was shouting, but not because I could feel it. Nope. The dead giveaway was the hands of all the men clamped over their ears. There might have been a little bit of blood running out of The Henry's ear too. I wasn't positive, but it didn't look good.

"The goddess Vampyres are in the dungeon of the Magic Mystery Castle and the baby is in the Grand Fun Palace," The Gus choked out quickly with tears of agony in his eyes. "Please don't speak anymore."

"Or ever again," The Bob begged.

"I am so confused," The Reggie wailed.

"See?" The Kev bellowed joyously as he slowly removed his hands from his ears in case I wasn't done. "That wasn't so difficult. This meeting never happened. You have no knowledge of the imminent arrival of Pink and Bon Jovi and you do not know that I am back in Xanthia."

"Yes, Sire," The Reggie said. "Do you want us to notify The Dave?"

"Who's The Dave?" I asked in a much quieter voice to the great relief of the gathered Fairies.

"The Dave is the leader of the Light. He is imprisoned in the Magic Mystery Castle with Martha and Jane," The Kev told me.

"Along with thousands of other Light Fairies," The Bob added sadly.

"Why aren't you in the dungeon? Aren't you Light?" I got right up in The Bob and The Gus' beautiful faces. They backed away and began to glow an iridescent green.

Looks of embarrassment and shame passed between the quartet. The Henry stepped forward and knelt at my feet. "Pink, we are not Dark, but we have done too many things to be considered Light anymore."

"We are Gray," The Reggie added despondently. "When the true Queen comes home and the Light is restored, we will have no place here."

"That doesn't seem fair," I said. "If you help restore the Light, why do you have to go?"

"It's not that simple," The Bob said. "Nothing the Fairies do is simple."

I glanced over at Ethan. He had said those same words to me. I was sure of it, but I couldn't remember when. The memory lapse sucked huge wads. There had to be something I could do to regain my past. I just wished I knew what it was. Shithellbitchass.

Chapter 12

Changes of plans that disrupt your child's schedule can result in madness (in the parent and occasionally the institutionalization of said parent). It is suggested to keep regular nap times and feeding times. If you can't do this, be prepared to suffer the consequences…

"So we're going to take Samuel back during the
American Idol
show?" I asked as I put some space between me and Ethan. He seemed to be taking the fake mate thing a bit too seriously.

"Hell to the no," The Kev said as he dusted the furniture in the new safe house he'd taken us to.

"But you told…" I started.

"Of course I told them that. I can't have them knowing our real plans," he explained as he rearranged knickknacks to his liking. He had one Hell of a case of OCD going on. "There's a chance one of them has already gone to The Corrine."

"Are you kidding me?" I snapped. "Why in the Hell would you tell them anything if you thought they would reveal us?"

"Because he wants The Corrine to know," Ethan said as he slid his large hands around my waist and pulled me close.

"Um, well I—you know," I stammered as I extricated myself from his grasp. It was alarming how good it felt to be in his arms. My brain got mushy when he was too close. "Why do you want her to know?"

"It will infuriate her and make her sloppy," The Kev said as he ripped a lovely afghan off the green couch and shredded it. "The color was wrong," he explained as he replaced it with a blinding orange and purple fleece blanket. Obsessive compulsive with horrendous taste…nice. "I also wanted to make it clear that the child did not belong to Gemma. You were quite spectacular in your explanation, Krumecaca."

If I could blush I'd be bloody. "It was the first thing that came to mind," I mumbled. "I don't even remember all of it." I refused to make eye contact with Ethan. I had given him a vasectomy and basically castrated him in front of witnesses. I wasn't sure he would like that much.

"Will they believe Samuel is not Gemma's?" Ethan asked as he examined a pile of clothes that The Kev had dropped on a table in front of him. "You can't possibly expect me to wear any of this."

"I can and I do." The Kev grinned from ear to ear. "You're a rock star, my man. You have to dress like one. And to answer your first question, I'm not sure."

"I have a difficult time believing Bon Jovi wore assless leather chaps," he said as he pinched the bridge of his nose and winced.

"Whoops!" The Kev chuckled. "Those are mine. Sorry about that."

"Does Gemma know about those?" I asked. I giggled at the appalled scream she would produce if she saw her man in pants with the butt cut out.

"She bought them for me." He grinned and wiggled his very nice rear end that I was now picturing in ways I shouldn't.

That certainly shut me up. Covering my shock and embarrassment I pawed through the pile of fabric scraps The Kev had dropped in front of me. "I can't wear any of this hookery shit," I told him.

"It's good to see you are becoming one with your profanity again," he said kindly and ignored my ultimatum.

"Did you hear me?" I asked.

"I did."

"Are you ignoring me?"

"I am."

I groaned and tried to find the least offensive article of clothing I could. It was practically all lingerie—sheer lingerie. Bon Jovi and Pink were going to make a statement.

"I am going to scout Xanthia. You two will study the maps of the park. Pay special attention to The Grand Fun Palace and The Magic Mystery Castle. Do not leave the safe house under any circumstance. I'll be back as soon as I can. Don't do anything I wouldn't do." He grinned and disappeared in a blast of silver and pink glitter.

"That doesn't leave much," I muttered as I carefully spread the map out on the huge oak table. All of these little safe houses were lovely. Did I have a lovely home too? I wanted to ask Ethan, but I'd resigned myself to following the rules. I would get my memory back when I was supposed to.

"Astrid," Ethan said as he came up behind me. His breath on my neck and his desire went straight through me. It was so palpable it hurt. My reaction to him must mean something, but for the life of me I couldn't place it. My weakness where he was concerned was infuriating. It had to be a test of some kind. A test I could not fail.

"Ethan, move," I said stiffly. "We have to study the map. I can't play these games with you. Your son's life is at stake along with the violent yet sexy Martha and Jane. Just let me work with the map. I'm very sure your wife wouldn't appreciate your roving eyes and hands."

"Fine," he said tightly as he moved away. I felt the loss of his body heat acutely. "Close your eyes and run your hands over the map. It will become ingrained in your mind."

"I can do that?" I asked. What the Hell? That was freakin' awesome.

"Yes, you can."

"Have I done this before?"

"No, you haven't had the need. New day—new trick."

This was a dream come true. I had prayed for a skill like this in high school and college. I would have aced American History and World Religions if I'd had this kind of voodoo when I was human. Human…When was I human?

"I haven't been a Vampyre for very long," I said slowly.

"No, you haven't." He crossed the room, took a seat and watched me.

"Was I dying and someone had to save me so they turned me into a bloodsucker?"

"Um…no. You were trying to quit smoking and ended up undead," he said.

"What the fuck kind of redonkulous story is that?" I yelled. "I didn't smoke. That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard…Oh my God," I screeched. "Did I just say fuck?"

"Twice." He grinned and dropped his beautiful head into his beautiful hands.

"Ethan, please excuse my vulgar language. I'm a little stressed at the moment. You know, with half of my mind missing and wanting to attack you so badly I could burst. You've been a total gentleman for the most part. It's not your fault that you're hotter than Satan's underpants…wait. Satan is my uncle?" I asked.

"Yep."

"Okay, comparing you to my uncle's underpants is just gross, but you get my drift. Right?"

"Yep."

My mind was swirling in directions that I knew were wrong. I didn't have any memory of my recent past, so if I jumped the sexy Vampyre would that
really
be cheating on my husband or wife? Justification was starting to make sense and my inner hooker was completely on the same page. If I just did it once I could get rid of the overwhelming sexual tension I was feeling. That was smart for the mission. How could I be expected to focus on saving the prisoners if my mind was in Ethan's pants? Maybe Vampyres weren't monogamous. This was a responsible and mature thing to do. I could sit on his face for a bit and then ride him like a steed. If he promised not to tell no one would be the wiser. Plus, when I got my memory back, I might not remember any of this stuff. Brilliant. Maybe not my finest moment of morality, but there was much more at stake here—like the lives of people who I didn't know. Was I kidding myself? Probably, but there was only one way to release the debilitating need south of my belly button.

"So Ethan, I was thinking…"

"Nope," he said. "Not happening."