Fast Connection (Cyberlove #2) (15 page)

Broaden his scope? What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

My hand tightened around my coffee mug.

Whatever it meant, I knew I wouldn’t like it.

Dominic

Adriana and I had been jogging around the lake for barely twenty minutes when she failed out. Huffing and puffing in her overly large sweatpants and hoodie, she sank down to one of the grassy knolls.

“Seriously, Adri?”

“I’m not a war machine like you, okay? The most I run is when I’m hauling ass to catch the bus to the ferry.”

“I can’t believe you take the ferry.”

She scowled at me and flopped backwards. “Yeah, well, they didn’t give me a car like they did for you at sixteen.”

I had no answer to that, so I sat beside her. “That car was junk and died just as I enlisted, but I’m sorry, baby girl. It’s not fair things turned so shitty just in time for you to be a teenager.”

“Things were always shitty. We just notice more now.”

“Too true,” I said. “Why do you think that is?”

Adriana slid a pack of cigarettes from her pocket. “We both grew up, I guess. Obviously it took you longer.”

I knocked my knee against hers. “Shut up. And put that away. No smoking.”

“Pssh. I stole them from mom.” She popped one into her mouth, lit up, and exhaled through her nose like she’d been doing it for years. “It helps calm my nerves when everyone’s spent the whole night screaming at each other. I guess the inhaling and exhaling or something? That’s what Micah said, anyway.”

My back straightened. “You don’t have that kid smoking with you, do you?”

“What do you care?”

“Adriana…”

“No, seriously, why do you care?” Adriana frowned up at me. “You just used to make fun of Micah for hanging around the bagel shop, and now you’re like… his advocate?”

“Yeah, well.” I grasped at straws to come up with an explanation. “His pops came by and bought a bunch of stale bagels the other night. The same night you screwed up the one batch while trying to be cute on SnapChat.”

Her eyes went round. “He did? I wonder if Micah told him I got in trouble.”

I shrugged vaguely.

“Wow. I thought he hated me.”

“Why the hell would he hate you?”

“Because I figured he didn’t think much of us? His ex-wife is like… some rich lawyer.”

My brows puckered. “She is?”

“Yup. She has some fancy-ass condo in Hoboken and drives a BMW. Between her and Mr. Rawlings owning his own business, they’re loaded.”

My gut tightened, and I forced myself to look up at the colorful foliage surrounding us. The sun was streaming through a mix of red, gold, and yellow leaves, which created a badass halo, but the beauty was lost on me. Everything was lost on me at the moment. Luke’s ex was a lawyer, he owned a business that was regularly called on by the dons living up on Todt Hill, and I sliced Boar’s Head.

“—only reason they live with him is because they got into Perkins, and they’ve been involved in all of these activities practically since they were in first grade.” Adriana exhaled slowly, her eyes on the sky. “Michelle runs track, she’s a dancer, and she’s going to be class president. And Micah won this national robotics competition last year. He’s like Captain STEM. Compared to them, I’m white trash.”

“Hey! You shut your mouth with that.”

“You know it’s true.” Adriana sat up straight, still glaring. “It’s not even the deli thing, Nicky. Our family is so fucked up. The way they fight and scream at us all the time? That’s not normal, and I didn’t realize how
not normal
it was until I started hanging out with Micah and Michelle. Their parents are divorced, and they’re
still
not as fucked up as ours.”

I wanted to shut her down and say it wasn’t true, that they weren’t better than us just because they had more ambition and money, but she was saying everything that had begun to run through my head as soon as I’d found out Luke’s ex was a lawyer. Fuck me. I was just a dumb former soldier who needed other people to print out enrollment forms. I didn’t even have a real job. I wasn’t relationship material.

And when had I started thinking about being relationship material, anyway? He definitely wasn’t about that life.

“Hey,” I said again, my voice steadier. “If they don’t think we’re good enough, screw ’em. You’re pretty, you’re funny, and you’re smart enough to know that you need to make something of yourself and get the hell out of that house. That’s more than I can say for myself. I didn’t realize I needed a life goal until after I didn’t re-up in the army.”

“Because you were supposed to stay in the army,” she pointed out. “Why didn’t you?”

I looked at the leaves again, and focused on the sunshine. “Because I didn’t want to kill people anymore.”

From the corner of my eye, I could see Adriana recoil. After a moment, she scooted closer to me and handed over her cigarette. Snorting, I grasped it between my fingers and took a long drag.

“So, how long have you been dating Micah?”

“We’re not dating.”

“Why not? You like him. And don’t tell me it’s because you’re not involved in extracurricular activities.”

She scoffed. “No. I just… I dunno. I don’t know how to have a boyfriend.”

“Fuck. Me either.”

It was only the following silence that alerted me to what I’d said. Stiffening, I looked at Adriana but found her expression quizzical. She laughed.

“You might want to rephrase that, bro.”

Did I? How long was I going to keep this secret, anyway?

I cleared my throat. “Uh, actually I don’t. I’ve recently discovered that I’m also into guys.”

“Oh please, Nicky. You were buried in vagina in high school.”

“Yeah, and I still appreciate women. But… I also appreciate men.”

There had been a lot of expectations in my head as I casually released these words into the world. I’d expected her to not take me seriously or maybe even accuse me of dropping the soap one too many times while in the army, but I hadn’t expected her eyes to well up with tears or for her to leap to her feet.

“Whoa. What—”

“This is bullshit, Nicky.”

I stared at her, dumbfounded. “What?”

“This. Is. Bullshit.”

Before I could say anything more, Adriana was sprinting down the hill and towards the path. She had a thirty-second head start before my brain caught up with my pounding heart, and I ran after her. Now that she was fueled with horror, she had no problem keeping a steady pace. I chased her halfway to the bridge crossing over the reservoir before managing to grab her arm.

“What the
fuck,
Adriana? I come out and this is how you act?”

She shoved me away. “Come out? Are you fucking serious?” The tears started flowing again. “This can’t be happening.”

“It is happening and it’s not going to change, okay?” I stared at her, disgusted. “Jesus Christ, I didn’t know you were a homophobe.”

“I’m not, you idiot!” Her voice carried clear across the park. “But do you have any idea how our parents are going to act when they find out?”

“Jesus, Adriana.” The stone that had settled in my stomach disintegrated. I slowly exhaled. “You scared the shit out of me. I thought I could trust you, and you ran the hell away from me. I’ve never told anyone except—I’ve just never told anyone.” At that, she looked stricken. When the tears started up again, I pulled her closer. “Just calm down, okay? No one’s telling Pops. He doesn’t need to know shit about my personal life.”

“You can’t keep that up forever!”

“Yeah, but no one’s talking about forever just yet. I’d have to find a guy who actually liked hanging out with me first.” I winced at my own wording. That wasn’t fair to Luke even though it felt true. “Look, I just wanted to tell someone close to me. At the moment you’re sadly my only friend.”

She laughed against my chest and pulled away. Should have known Adriana Costigan wouldn’t stand for a hug that long.

“I’m not homophobic.”

“Good to know.”

“Seriously!” She punched my shoulder. “You can talk about whatever with me. I draw a ton of yaoi and slash fanart.”

“I don’t understand those words.”

She rolled her eyes. “I have a lot of gay friends too.”

My brows rose. “Really?”

“Really. A lot of them are the only ones who hate school as much as I do.” She wiped her face with the back of her hand. “I’m sure you can guess why.”

“Yeah. I can.”

Instead of forcing her to jog some more, I threw an arm around her shoulder. We walked along the white bridge crossing the water, and I started telling her about Garrett. It bugged me not to be able to talk about Luke, but there was too much at stake there. If she caught on and said something to Micah, I’d lose the scraps of attention Luke already gave me.

It was weird how nothing in my civilian existence could be easy even though I’d told myself I’d Cadillac my way through life on my savings after leaving the army. But those savings were my ticket to freedom—a new place that I could actually furnish and turn into something of my own. I couldn’t use the money until I had a good enough job to pay rent. The EMT classes seemed like a good bet on a reasonable salary doing something I would love, but… getting my own place meant I’d have to leave Adriana alone with our deteriorating family.

When had everything gotten so fucked? And
why
had it gotten so fucked? There was no way to be sure, but what I did know was that Adriana would never be proud of her family the way things were going.

I glanced down and squeezed her shoulder.

It was time to get my ass in gear and start putting together a real life for myself. One that didn’t involve working for free behind a deli counter like a scrub, and… not just sleeping with someone I could never introduce her to.

Luke

His light was green. I was starting to hate that fucking color.

Every time I saw Dominic on Grindr and my messages empty, I wondered why he was going online.

Who he was messaging.

Who he was making plans with.

Had he already made plans? Had he… followed through?

I speared my fingers into my hair and pulled. With a frustrated grunt, I leaned against my truck bed, crossing a foot over my ankle. We’d just finished a job and I should have been cleaning up, but Micah had texted me. After answering, I’d checked my messages on Grindr like a love-sick puppy.

Dominic had said he planned to “broaden his scope.” I’d rolled those words around my skull for the last week, and every time, they made me queasy.

I opened up my messages and fired one off to him.

He didn’t reply for a minute.

Fuck, that sick feeling was coming back.
Play it cool, Luke.

Images of Dominic dressed up flashed through my mind. Eyeliner wearing, cape-slinging vampire. Sexy, suspender-clad firefighter. Shirtless, dirty construction worker. I was a one-man Buzzfeed article on slutty costumes.

Our thing. I was going to hit something.

Helping him pick out clothes to wear on a date with another man was over the line for me. And I was smart enough to realize that was a problem. A huge fucking problem. I’d been the one to tell him to date and now I wanted to club him caveman-style and drag him back to my lair.

I was so fucked. My stomach cramped, my head spun, and I was seeing red. I needed to end this convo now.

Then I turned off my phone.

I bent my head, gripping the tailgate as I took deep breaths. This hadn’t happened since… shit, I wasn’t sure this had ever happened. I wasn’t a jealous person. I didn’t get heated. Apathy was my armor. And right now, I was anything but apathetic.

“Hey—”

I whirled around at the sound of a voice to see George with his hands up, palms out, eyes wide. “Whoa, easy there.”

I wiped my face, wishing I had cold water to douse myself with. “Sorry, I was…” I waved a hand. “What’s up?”

George mopped his brow with a bandana. “You okay?”

“Sure.”

He jerked his head toward the yard behind us. “All done. Wanna grab a beer?”

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

George clapped me on the shoulder. “Meet you at Murph’s.”

I texted the kids I’d be late and climbed into my truck. The best thing about Murph’s was that it was a blue-collar bar. I didn’t have to shower or even wipe the dirt off my face, because just about every patron in there worked with their hands for a living.

When I pulled into the parking lot, George was already standing by the front door with his cell to his ear. When I approached, he ended the call.

“Everything okay?” I held open the door for him.

“Stella and Cyn are fighting over how long to cook linguine. Swear to Christ, I’m going to strangle myself with al dente pasta.”

I laughed as he sat down at the bar. “Sounds really ineffective.”

“Bah.”

He signaled the bartender, who plunked down our usual IPAs. I drank half of it in one go. When I lowered the bottle to the bar, George was staring at me.

“What?”

He took a pull of his beer before speaking. “You’ve been a little distracted lately.”

“Look, I’m sorry—”

“Don’t apologize to me. You’re still doing your job. Just saying you’re usually quiet because you don’t have anything to say. Lately you’re quiet because it seems like you have too much going on in your head.”