Fat Assassins (24 page)

Damn!

I instinctively shoved him backwards where he landed with a thud.

“Haha. Looks like she didn’t appreciate you exaggerating your injuries!” Cornnut joked.

I put my hands on my hips, narrowing my eyes at him. He gave me a devilish grin. “I’ve never been rescued before. Much less by someone wearing Hello Kitty pajamas!”

“What kinda agent drives straight into a lake? Don’t you have to have some kind of keen sense of danger or something?” I snapped.

“We’re FBI agents. We use GPS for navigation, not superpowers.” 

FBI? Great. I’m going to prison wearing cartoon pajamas!

“I’ll run grab my truck and get your Suburban pulled outta the lake in a jiffy.” Cornnut ran off suspiciously quick leaving me and Ulyssa to entertain the agents.

“He don’t live too far away, so it shouldn’t take too long.” Ulyssa said.

“Is he your dad?” McAllister asked me.

Ulyssa and I both snorted at the thought of Cornnut as a nurturing dad. “Nope. He’s just a friend.”

“What were you guys doing out here at the lake?”

“Fishing.” I answered.

“I don’t see any fishing poles.”

Damn Cornnut!

“Shasta! You left the headlights on!” Ulyssa whispered loudly interrupting the interrogation.

“What?” I turned towards our hidden parking spot. “I didn’t even turn ‘em on.”

“No. The headlights are definitely on!” She insisted.

My face flushed as I looked down at my soaked shirt and understood her meaning. Suddenly my anatomy had become the center of attention as the entire group gawked at my chest. I quickly crossed my arms to hide my accidental sex appeal. Her trick worked and McAllister was distracted from his previous line of questioning.

“I’m definitely going to need a therapist to help me with my Hello Kitty issues now.” He took off his jacket and laid it across my shoulders.

The sleeves hung a few inches past the tips of my fingers as I shoved my arms through, wrapping it around me. 

“Thanks.”

“Where are y’all from?” Ulyssa asked.

“We just flew in from Washington D.C.” The driver answered.

“Wow! Washington D.C.? I’ve never even been out of the state.”

“Yeah. The attack on the power grid got the attention of some high powered politicians so things are going to get pretty crazy around here over the next couple of days.” He stuck out his hand to her. “My name is Agent Anthony Romero.”

“Ulyssa.” She shook his hand. “and you’ve already met Shasta.” I gave a little wave.

“This is McAllister. He’s quite a celebrity. You may recognize him. He was featured on the FBI’s holiday calendar last year. He was Mr. March posing naked behind a copy of the Washington Post!”

We all laughed as McAllister’s face darkened and I immediately liked Agent Romero. He’d found a way to level the embarrassment playing field.

Cornnut came tearing down the road so fast the tow arm was waving like a drunk relative. The agents ran over to help him back the tow truck behind the flooded Suburban. When he’d dragged it clear of the water, Cornnut stepped down, took his baseball hat off and scratched his head.

“I’ll give it a tow back to my shop if you want. I can have a look at the engine and let you know how much it’ll cost to fix.”

“Sure. We’ll have to call headquarters and get funding approved for the repairs.”

“I tell ya what. I’ll give you a free tow as a thanks fer all you do to keep us safe.” He swiveled the hat back onto his balding head and turned to us. “You girls mind giving them a ride to wherever they’re staying?”

“We’re staying at Myrtle’s Motel. Apparently it’s the only hotel in town.” Agent Romero answered.

“Perfect.” He started to get back in the truck.

“Wait! I’ll help you with the truck, while Shasta runs them over to Myrtle’s!” Ulyssa said jumping in the passenger seat. “I need to talk to you about some car troubles anyway.”

She’s gonna git it!

“Sounds like we’ve got a plan then.” Agent Romero said.

I stomped off, leading the two oblivious agents to the Sidekick. They both started laughing when they saw the neon truck.

“They still make these?” McCallister asked. “Wasn’t there a safety recall because of all the rollovers?”

“That’s why you’re sitting in the back!”

“You heard the lady, McCallister! In the back.”

He decided to sit behind me so he could stare at me in the rearview mirror the whole time.

“So, what were you girls doing last night?”

I sat there for a few minutes trying to remember the last legal thing we’d done.

“Watched a couple movies.”

“What did you watch?”

“Boondock Saints.”

“Really? Which one?”

“Both.”

“Hmm. That’s unusual.”

“What makes you say that.” I shifted my eyes off the road to glance in the mirror.

“Well, it’s kind of a cult classic. Not too many people I know have seen it. Much less girls.”

“We’re not your average girls.” I swerved to intentionally hit a pothole and was rewarded when McCallister bumped his head on the roll bar.

“I guess not. What did you think of the movies?”

“They were good. The main characters were real likable.”

“So, you got a thing for Irish guys? You know I’m half Irish. Mother’s Russian and Dad’s Irish.”

“I prefer my guys a little less annoying.”

Agent Romero had been silent the whole ride, but this comment made him cough.

“You thought they were likable? Even though they were killers?”

“They were put in an impossible situation.”

“Which they solved with guns and violence.”

“I like guns.”

“Really? Another surprise. I thought all you Southern women were raised to be Southern Belles.”

“I’m no southern belle and I’m damn good with a gun.” I pressed on the gas pedal. I needed to get them to the hotel before he goaded any more information out of me.

“Seriously? What’s your gun of choice?”

I wanted to brag about my Desert Eagle, but common sense prevailed. “I’m really good with a .22.”

“Figures. That’s a good girlie gun.”

I drove along silently wondering if he’d be so condescending if he knew about us blowing up Salvo’s bunker and the electrical station.

“I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m all for women’s rights, but some things are just too tough for a woman.”

“What? Like that little 9MM you’ve got strapped to your shoulder? You planning to kill a criminal or play laser tag?”

I was just guessing, but it must have been pretty accurate since it earned another cough from Romero and silence from the backseat.

“I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sure you’re very proud of your big, bad gun.

Have you even shot anyone with it?”

“No.”

“Really? I thought it was mandatory to shoot a perp within your first year with the FBI. How long have you been an agent?”

“Three years.”

“Three years? You look old. What did you do before working at the Bureau?”

“I’m not that old. I’m twenty-nine.” He sounded annoyed now. “I did a tour in the military and spent some time at another agency before I joined the FBI.”

“So, you’ve always worked for the military or government all those years, but you’ve never shot anybody?”

“Nope.”

“What’s your job then? Since you don’t ever seem to have to use your gun.”

“Firearm and explosive forensics.”

“Firearm and explosive forensics?”

“Yeah. I perform forensic analysis of various incidents involving firearms and explosives. My speciality is IEDs.”

“IEDs?”

“Improvised Explosive Devices. Homemade bombs. I study the science and chemistry used to construct and detonate the bomb.” A bead of sweat trickled down the back of my neck. “Wow. Do you interrogate people?”

“We latch suspects to metal chairs and give ‘em electric shocks until they tell us what we want to know.”

I shrieked.

“I’m kidding. I’m kidding. The FBI doesn’t interrogate anyone. I just ask questions and document responses. I match suspects to crime scenes using a combination of psychology and science.”

“So why are you to Nitro?”

“To investigate the bombing of the electric plant.”

“Really?” I gripped the steering wheel harder, so they couldn’t see my shaking hands. “They sent the FBI in for something like that?”

“It appears like it may have been a terrorist attack targeting electrical power infrastructure. In fact, Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has raised the alert level to orange.”

I glanced in the mirror unsure what the color choice meant.

“Red is the only higher color. It’s pretty serious. They’re standing up a DHS task force to assess the impact to the National grid and determine the likelihood of possible coordinated attack at other stations.”

“What?! FBI and DHS task forces? In little ol’ Nitro?”

“Yeah. I don’t think there’s enough logistical support to run both task forces from Nitro proper. So, we’ll probably end up running operations from Charleston using our field offices. But there will be a whole bunch of government personnel crawling all over this area for the next couple weeks. Maybe even months. I imagine it will be a good boost for the local economy though.” 

I looked out the window as we drove down main street. The town sure could use a little extra money, but I don’t think it would take them long to figure out who did it. So we’d go to prison and the town wouldn’t get the economic stimulus it needed. I was on adrenaline overdose when I wheeled the Sidekick into the reception parking for Myrtle’s and slammed on the brakes making Romero grab the dashboard with both hands.

“Here ya go.”

“Thanks. Nice meeting you.” Romero waved and shut the door.

McCallister leaned forward and whispered in my ear. “How do I get in touch with you? In case I have any questions for you?”

“Nitro is a small town and you’re the FBI. Figure it out.”

“Here’s my card.” He handed me his card as he climbed out of the truck.

“Give me a call if you need anything.”

I hit the gas pedal, spinning tires and peppering the agents with gravel projectiles as I tore out of the parking lot.

I contemplated prison life during during the drive back to Cornnut’s.

“I paid Cornnut for the El Camino and asked him not to mention it to anyone, so I think we’re good to go.” Ulyssa said, buckling her seat belt.

“Department of Homeland Security has raised the threat level to orange!”

“What does that mean? Is that bad?”

“Yes. Red is the only other color higher!” I stared at her with panicked eyes.

“And it’s all because of that thing from last night!”

“Which thing?”

“The electric plant.”

“JMJ!”

I continued. “And the FBI and DHS are sending task forces to Nitro!

“What? We can’t finish the job with that kind of heat in town!”

“You’re missing the point!” I was practically yelling now. “They’re in town because of us. We blew up the electric plant!”

“Shhhh. We still don’t know if anyone is listening.” She took a couple deep breaths. “How are we gonna dodge law enforcement and take out Marcus? Maybe we should leave town.”

“With what money? We don’t even have enough in the bank to get us to Mexico! Or Canada! Scratch Canada. Why? Because a professional Canadian assassin wants to kill us!”

“It’s too early in the morning for this kinda stress.” The clock on the dashboard was glowing 09:00 confirming Ulyssa’s proclamation. It was way too early in the morning for this kinda stress.

“Let’s head home and get cleaned up. I need to get out of these pajamas.” 

After showering, we drove back out to the bridge, so we could talk without worrying about being bugged.

“We need a way to find out what’s going on with the investigation. We need to know when they’re getting close to us.”

“Don’t look at me. I’m not going undercover.” I responded.

“You’re the only one with connections.”

“Connections?”

“You sure got Agent McCallister’s attention. Maybe you can use your womanly wiles to get more information outta him.”

“Seriously?”

She nodded.

“Gawd! I can’t stand him. He’s such a arrogant jerk!” 

She kept looking at me.

“What are you gonna do while I’m undercover?”

“I’ll work on a plan for us to finish the job. We need a really good plan and we need it fast!”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Maybe you can meet him for lunch today?”

“We’ll head downtown and walk around. Hopefully, we’ll run into them cause I’m not calling him.” I turned and stomped down the catwalk.

We sat down in a booth and ordered a cup of tea. Only truckers and convicts drank Maybel’s coffee which closely resembles crude oil. The diner was abuzz with the excitement of last night’s explosion and the presence of federal agents.

We tried to catch tidbits of useful information, but it was mainly conspiracy theories and speculation about suspects. We finished up our tea and strolled down main street window shopping. We were admiring the new inventory at the Dollar General store when two suits joined us at the window.