Fat Assassins (28 page)

“So, where are we going today?” Jake asked.

“We’re paying a visit to her boyfriend’s Grandma.” Ulyssa answered.

“Where does she live?”

“You’ll see. Just follow us and try to keep up.” I taunted him.

“No way. Ulyssa, you ride with the Deputy and I’m riding with Shasta.” Jake said. “My instinct tells me you two are up to something.”

“What?” We both protested.

“Not optional.” Jake opened the passenger door to the sidekick and climbed inside.

Ulyssa and Eric stomped back to the squad car.

I started the Sidekick. “You are RUDE!”

“Thanks. Nobody has ever said that to my face. I appreciate the honesty.” He smirked. “There is something a little off kilter about you girls and I just can’t put my finger on it.”

“What? We’re just a couple good ol’ country girls.”

“See that’s the thing. You are good girls, but you get nervous real easy, real quick! And that’s how most criminals act.”

I jumped when a horn honked behind us. I looked in the rearview and saw Ulyssa lean back into her seat and throw her hands in the air at me.

“Okay okay. We’re going.” I mumbled.

Jake’s cop instincts were spot on and I tried to be silent the whole ride to avoid any more suspicion. My entire body felt tense like he was going to trick me into a confession on the short drive to Tornado.

“I hope I didn’t offend you.” He lightly touched my hand startling me out of my paranoia.

My foot slammed the gas pedal as I jerked the wheel sharply towards him.

“Watch where you’re going!” He grabbed the dashboard with both hands as the Sidekick careened off the road and toward a drainage ditch. I jerked the wheel to the left steering the truck across a giant sinkhole. The impact of the front right tire hitting into the hole slammed Jake’s head against the window and choked me against the seatbelt. We both landed hard against the seat as the back half of the truck sank into the hole. I stared in horror as a cardboard box tumbled out the back and hung suspended in air as the Sidekick sped off.

Where the hell did that come from?

Eric had followed the truck off the road worried that something was wrong. It was too late for him to realize that I had just steered him towards a giant sinkhole.

The box crashed into the windshield of the Crown Victoria as their front tires hit the hole. Scarfs, glasses and other items flew in every direction around the car.

The cardboard box slid backwards over the top of the car revealing the shocked faces of Ulyssa and Eric. Ulyssa’s mouth was open in a scream and Eric had both hands white-knuckled on the steering wheel. I kept my foot on the accelerator. We needed to get away from here so they wouldn’t find the evidence I’d just scattered all over the road.

“Shasta. Shasta. Please slow down or you’re going to flip this thing.” Jake pleaded.

I checked to make sure the police cruiser hadn’t stopped and eased up on the accelerator. Jake was right and I didn’t want to add a rollover to today’s adventure. We wove our way around the mountains and away from the city before turning onto a dirt road. The house was another two miles down the dirt road. 

It was a small ranch house with a dirt lot in front for parking. It looked out of place in the middle of the woods with amateur landscaping and fencing. An elderly lady dressed in a flowery moo-moo walked out of the house and stood on the porch waiting for us to exit the cars. She stroked the chicken perched on her shoulder and waved her gnarled walking stick at us. She looked like the lead character in ‘Pirates of the Appalachians’ movie. 

“Good Morning! What can I do ya for?”

“Good morning. We’re looking for Ms. Rhonda Smith. Is she on the premises?” Jake asked.

“Whut?” She leaned over to spit a stream of tobacco into the rose bush amplifying her pirate persona. She didn’t like dealing with police officers, so I decided to intervene to speed things along.

“Morning, Maud. Have you seen Rhonda?” I asked. “She ain’t in trouble. We just need to talk to her.”

“I reckon. C’mon in.”

I gave Jake a smug look and followed her inside.

“Rhhhhooonnndddaaaa. You got company.” The chicken didn’t even flinch when she yelled down the hallway. She turned back to us. “Y’all want a cup of coffee?”

“No thank you, ma’am.” Eric answered for the group.

Maud hobbled over and sank down into an old recliner. The chicken moved off her shoulder and perched on the back of the chair. I suppressed my gag reflexes as I thought about what the back side of that chair probably looked like.

She grabbed an old cup off her side table and spit another stream of tobacco juice into it.

“Rrrhhooonnndddaaa…gityerassouthere…yougotcompany!” I flinched at the unexpected redneck yodel.

An elderly woman shuffled down the hall.

“Maud” she whistled through her rotten teeth “were you a-hollering for me?”

“Is your name Rhonda?”

“Well, I reckon not. It’s Ida.”

“Then I wasn’t hollering for you. Lord a-mercy you wear me out. If I wasn’t getting a state check for you….” She didn’t get a chance to finish her threat because Rhonda finally emerged from the back of the house. The sweet stench of marijuana followed her into the front room. I looked at Jake and Eric. They seemed to notice the fragrance, but chose to ignore it.

“What do you want, Maud?” Rhonda walked into the kitchen and grabbed some Doritos.

“These folks are here to see you.” She leaned over and spit again.

Rhonda turned her glazed eyes our direction. “I don’t think I know y’all.” 

Jake stood up and flashed his credentials. “Special Agent McAllister. FBI. I have a few questions about your mother.”

Comprehension dawned behind the drugged stare. “Dang, man. How did you find me?”

“That’s not what’s important. We have some questions for you about your mother. If you cooperate with the investigation, we’ll ignore your recreational activities.”

“Dang, man…!” She seemed to relent as she sat down and started consuming Doritos. “I didn’t do nothing.”

“You’re mother is being held on multiple charges, including assault and obstruction of justice. What were you doing at Home Depot that day?” Jake pulled his notepad and pen out of his jacket.

“We were just shopping.” Crunch. Crunch.

“Please excuse my skepticism, but you and your mom don’t strike me as construction workers. So, why don’t you just tell me the truth.” Crunch. Crunch. “Fine. We run a shoplifting ring and one of our customers wanted one of the fancy outdoor fireplaces.”

“You were at Home Depot to steal an outdoor fireplace?” Jake stared at her.

“Yup.”

“How were you planning to steal it?”

“We were going to load it into a buggy and go through the self service scanner line. I was going to pay for a small item, like a pack of lightbulbs, then momma was going to cause a scene with her scooter to distract the cashier working the scanners. While she was distracted I would pretend to scan the fireplace. Then I would grab the receipt and we’d walk straight out the door.” She made a beeping noise that sounded exactly like a scanner. “That’s the Home Depot scanner. I can do Wal-Mart, Target and Piggly Wiggly too.” She did a few more beeps for us. I was throughly impressed. They had shoplifting down to a science.

“What was your mom doing chasing the police car?”

“I’m not to sure about all that. All I know is that she sent me in ahead of her, so I could get the cart loaded up before she came in. She wanted to minimize the amount of time she was in the store because anybody in a scooter draws attention in a home improvement store. All the associates are always asking if she needs help or anything. She just wanted to drive in, meet me by the lighting, then checkout. But something happened and she didn’t show up. So, I executed our emergency plan.” Crunch. Crunch.

“Which is….?”

“If she doesn’t show up within twenty minutes, I’m supposed to leave the store and go into hiding. So, that’s what I did. I have no idea why she was chasing a police car.” She put a corner of the Dorito bag into her mouth and tilted it into the air, shaking the remaining crumbs into her mouth.

“Were you working with someone else?”

“No. We only work together. Keep it in the family. We don’t want to share the profits.” She ran her hand around the inside of the bag and sucked the cheese residue off her fingers.

“You sure your mom wasn’t working with someone on the side without your knowledge?”

“No way. She hates people.”

Jake looked at Eric, who nodded in agreement.

“Well, thank you for your time.” We stood up and walked toward the door Ida stepped out of the shadows in the hallway where she had been hiding during the whole conversation. She had an evil grin on her face with her rotten teeth creating a black rim on the inside of her red lipsticked mouth.

“Maud, if they’re FBI don’t you reckon you should tell them about the moonshine machine out back behind your rose garden.” Jake and Eric paused at the doorway to process this revelation then walked out the door. The sound of a stoned Rhonda laughing hysterically was cutoff when we closed the sliding glass door behind us. Jake decided to ride back to town with Eric. He claimed it was so they could talk over the new evidence, but I think he was a little afraid of my driving.

“What a day?” I sighed.

“No kidding. I can’t believe the evidence flew out the back of the Sidekick and hit y’all. I forgot it was even back there!”

“How DID it get back there?”

“I boxed all the evidence up yesterday and stuck it in the back of the truck. I guess I forgot to zip up the back.”

“And you forgot to tell me I was hauling it around. What if Jake or somebody woulda found it?”

“Ain’t no point getting hostile, at least we don’t have to worry about disposing of it now!”

“I ‘bout had a heart attack when the scarfs went flying everywhere.” I said.

“You should have seen it from my perspective. I coulda swore we were busted when that bottle of acetone flew out of the box.”

“Jake did’t get a chance to notice the evidence. I smacked his head against the window when I hit the sinkhole.” That made us laugh.

“That was the first time I’d ever heard Deputy Hodde swear! He yelled ‘Damn!’ and grabbed the steering wheel with both hands when the cardboard covered the windshield. We had no idea what we’d hit because we couldn’t see anything!”

Maybel had the best lunch special in town, so I instinctively drove straight there.

“Damn. How are we supposed to kill Marcus if we can’t get rid of these two?” I complained, as the guys pulled the cruiser into the spot behind us.

“They can’t help it. It’s like your cootie cat is a law dawg beacon, kinda like the bat signal. Besides we can find out what they’re doing next.” Ulyssa and I sat on one side of the booth forcing Eric and Jake to cram in the other seats. It was like putting two angry bulls in the same pen. I got a small sense of satisfaction watching them trying to avoid touching each other. We'd just ordered four of the lunch specials when a voice crackled over the police radio.

“Deputy Hodde, dispatch.”

Eric grabbed his radio and responded. “Dispatch, Hodde.”

“Ginger, the pig, is at the Post Office. Request assistance getting her to vacate the premises.”

“Roger that dispatch. En route.”

“Sorry y’all. Looks like Ginger made her monthly trip to the post office. I gotta get her back home. Every time she comes to town it causes traffic delays because of the rubbernecking. Then she plops down on the steps and nobody can get in or out of the Post Office.”

Jake started laughing. “Duty calls. Don’t worry I’ll keep these two lovely ladies company while you’re gone.” He gave me a smile.

“How do you get her home?” I asked, turning to Eric.

“She loves Strawberry shredded wheat, so I leave a trail of them back to the farm. Works every time. For the cost of a box of cereal, order is restored to Nitro.” He gave me a lopsided grin.

“You don’t think you’re reinforcing her bad behavior?” Jake asked.

“She’s been coming to town for years now. Long before I joined the force. In the olden days, folks were just stuck in the Post Office until she decided to move. They were pretty happy when I figured out how to get her to go home. Unfortunately, they call me every time she does it.” He dropped a twenty on the table to help pay for lunch.

“We still going to interview Ronnie Becknauld this afternoon?” He asked Jake.

“Yeah. I’ll meet you at the station about four.”

“Sounds good. See ya then.”

I watched him walk away and sighed. Jake leaned over and touched the inside of my elbow. I instinctually flailed at his nearness to my gun holster and knocked the soda onto his lap.

“I don’t know whether to be flattered or insulted that you inflict damage each time I touch you.” He started drying his lap off.

I flamed red and purple.

“I think you should take it as a compliment!” Ulyssa laughed and stood up.

“I’m outta here. I’ve got some stuff to take care of. Can I get the truck keys?”

“I’ll come with you. I’m done with lunch.”

“It’s just a couple of errands I need to run. By myself. Why don’t you keep Jake company? Keys please.”

I handed her my keys. “What time you gonna pick me up?”

“Jake, if I’m not back in a couple hours can you drop Shasta off at the house?” She snatched the keys.

“No!”

“Sure!”

And she was gone.

“Sorry about dumping soda on your lap.” I mumbled.

“That’s okay. You almost killed me today and that’s a lot worse than having a drink dumped on me.”

“Sorry about that too, but you chose to ride with me. Why are y’all going to interview Ronnie?”

“The guys at the task force ordered Chinese the other day and the delivery guy gave them a tip on Ronnie. He said Ronnie was dangerous and responsible for multiple hate crime incidents. We have to check it out just to be sure. I don’t see how a hate crime could be tied to the explosion, but you never know. The more I find out about the residents of Nitro, the weirder the whole incident feels. It’s almost like everybody and nobody has a good motive for blowing up the substation.” He looked at me with a thoughtful gaze and I got fidgety.