F*ck Feelings (24 page)

Love is supposed to be the antithesis of hate and the ultimate solution to all of life's problems, so it's natural to idealize it, market it, and make finding it your life's goal. Anything that's strange, conquers all,
and
is Jesus's idea of what you should do to your neighbor as you would to yourself must truly be, well, all you need.

In actuality, love and hate aren't that dissimilar; both evoke the kind of passionate, heated, needy feelings that create more problems than they solve.

Sure, love has the potential to make you very happy, as it does when you're in love, or being loved back, or getting a lucky chance to combine love and sex. That's why it can also distract you with new worries and generate lots of yearning, unhappiness, and anger whenever something gets in its way.

Love can also push you to do things that aren't good for you and are bound to turn out badly or make you act like a wuss, a schmuck, or both. It can cause you to forget your values and ignore realities about
character, bad habits, and feelings you can't change. That's why love can be one of the ultimate obstacles to being a good person and finding lasting relationships.

Again and again, you have to face the fact that someone you love can't love you back, or you can't find someone to love when that's what you want and need. Failed love almost always feels like a personal failure, so if you're a good person who hasn't found someone or can't turn a loving attraction into a good partnership, you're probably ready to ask a magazine, psychic, or even a shrink what you've done wrong.

Almost always, your lack of love isn't because of anything you've done wrong. Life is unfair and the world around you stirs up intense needs while offering false satisfactions. If you're extra careful and selective about loving and being loved, you'll probably find yourself spending more time feeling lonely.

On the other hand, if you realize that love is a risky business and can accept pain, frustration, and hard lessons as unavoidable, you can survive and learn from your losses. You need never feel ashamed of wounds acquired for a good cause, and often your wounds will ultimately help you find loving relationships that are consistent with your values and are likely to last.

Remember, the true opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference. If you care enough to find someone who's right for you, not someone who makes you feel right, you'll truly find what you need.

Most creatures choose a mate based on two factors: the ability to procreate and the possession of a pulse. Humans are obviously a lot more complicated; we screw up by putting too much weight on appearance and spark.

In fact, if you value attractiveness when looking for a good partner, you'll go on too many dates for the wrong reasons. If you're not good at screening out the beauty- and lust-struck, you'll end up wasting a lot of time. Sure, you'll have hot dates and passionate encounters, but you'll be distracted
from looking for the qualities that make a good partner.

Couples bound by mutual chemistry can be blind to the fact that the relationship lacks qualities necessary for a partnership and enables red-flag behaviors that no partnership can survive. So attractiveness and chemistry may be good for generating hot affairs and cool couples, but they're also good for driving up the divorce rate.

If you're looking for a partner, look beyond attraction, figure out what qualities of character and personality you require, and be ready to ignore strong attraction if those qualities aren't there. No matter how hot the package or interpersonal sizzle, remember what you've learned about what spoils a relationship, no matter how much you are tempted.

Since you've probably read a landfill's worth of magazine articles on how to be more attractive or get the other person to like you more, and they haven't improved your own garbagey love life, it's time for a new strategy.

Learn how to define what you're looking for, focus your appeal in a way that shows your strengths, and conduct an efficient search for a partner who won't wear you out or waste your time. If you want bliss and romance, this strategy won't work. If you want a partnership that's as solid as a swan's and won't end in divorce, we can help.

Among the wishes people express are:

• To get better at putting themselves out there

• To find “the one,” not the next

• To change an attractive person into a responsible person

• To find a boy- or girlfriend and stop being just a friend

• To figure out why two people who are attracted can't make it work

Here are three examples:

I don't know why I have trouble meeting people. I'm willing to hang out in bars, but as an average-looking shy person, I don't get approached by too many guys. If I do, then I don't know how to flirt, so the conversations tend to be short. I'm a smart girl, I have a good job that I love, and I've got good friends who say I have lots to offer, but meeting guys, let alone cool ones who find me interesting, feels impossible. Maybe I need a makeover. My goal is to find someone, not be everyone's friend.

My friends are getting married and I can't find anyone I can see myself being with for the rest of my life. I can find girls to date, and even had a serious girlfriend for a while, but no one I could really see myself growing old with. I never really had a problem being the unattached guy, but the older I get, the more I feel like I'm being left behind. My goal is to figure out why I never click with someone or how to change my luck and find someone I really want to marry.

I get along well with women and have no trouble meeting and dating some of the coolest, most interesting women you could imagine. We have great chemistry, lots of laughs, and amazing sex, but then it always unravels the same way; they become supersensitive, tell me I make them feel unloved and ignored, and then get into a breakup/makeup cycle that drives me crazy. My goal is to figure out why I'm always attracted to the wrong woman and whether it will ever change.

You've probably read that the first step toward the right partner is to change something about yourself, be it your attitude or your waistline.

But if you get caught up in thinking about yourself, and what you can alter and why you're doomed to die alone, you'll lose sight of your goal; namely, to take stock of your strengths—i.e., the things you know you shouldn't change—and figure out what you want someone for.

If you concentrate on what you want, not wanting to be wanted, you're more likely to find someone who meets your long-term needs, wants the same things out of life, and won't get on your nerves, at least not too much.

If you're shy and relatively nonverbal, and find it hard to meet people or get them to think of you as anything other than a quiet pal, you may try the well-established route of looking for common-interest clubs and activities that help people get to know one another without having to get personal or make a lot of early eye contact.

If activities are not your style, however, use Internet dating sites to widen the field. As with a good cover letter for a job search, use a coach if necessary to create a brief, one-paragraph description of what you have to offer, and avoid the sites and apps that are focused on image. People searching for a mate based solely on looks are not the kind of people you have much use for.

Yes, most people may not be interested in responding, but you're looking for that rare person who is on your wavelength and will know it, without your having to be sociable or charming in a way that you're not. The Internet gives you the opportunity to reach those people, wherever they are, without having to waste time feeling rejected by people who like playful banter. You can find someone who is impressed enough by your basic credentials, goals, and interests to try out a conversation, someone who is checking out the fit, not the fun.

If you find yourself dating (but not wanting to commit to) women after you've experienced companionship, beach walks, and close feelings, then you're looking for a dog, not a lifelong human commitment. Instead, ask yourself what you want out of living with a partner, given your experience of families, children, roommates, and
close friends. Think about needing help in a crisis, building a family, and having financial security.

Put together a job description for the person you're looking for. Then, if you decide you want a life companion, it's because you're ready to commit to what you need and you know the kind of person who might be a good fit, whether or not they make you buzz and tingle.

If you have no trouble meeting and getting attached, but always to the wrong person, remember that love is blind and just as likely to link you to a jerk as to a nice person. Once you have a good description of the person you need, learn to ignore that exciting initial burst, because, as you've learned the hard way, it inevitably leads to an infuriating crash.

Limit your dating to the kind of person who will make a good, reliable partner, not a fun, hilarious anecdote, then spend more time with the person you like best. Aim for good-enough attractiveness in a good, stable partnership candidate, not sweep-you-off-your-feet love in someone with bad credentials and a sad relationship history that you haven't checked out. Romance is fun, but background checks and compatibility are what prevent divorce.

Don't jump into a search by trying to change yourself and your basic traits and responses. Instead, use your experience to shape a search-and-interview procedure based on what you're looking for in others. That is what a good matchmaker would do.

What you put into your search is what you get out of it. If you're looking for short-term fun and excitement, then your search can be fun and exciting, but if you're looking for something long-term and serious, it's time to brace yourself not for a big makeover but for the tough job ahead.

Here's what you wish for and can't (always) have:

• Amazing attractiveness

• An easy time falling in love with the right person, while singing

• Access to good candidates through bars, weddings, and mutual friends

• Being most attracted to the person who is best for you

• No weakness for getting sucked into relationships with toxic people

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Compensate for your hard-to-match nature by casting a wider net

• Use business techniques to conduct a job search

• Don't let attraction trump common sense

Here's how you can do it:

• Use special techniques and consultants for headhunting hard-to-find candidates

• Create a list of necessary qualifications

• Gather information about reliability in past relationships, money management, and drug use

• Don't violate your scoring system

• Recruit the best match, not the most attractive

Here's what to tell someone/yourself when you can't find the right someone.

Dear [Self/Person Who Feels Love Will Lead Me to the Partner of My Dreams]:

I've tried to [dress both up and down/wear musk/lose neck fat] and still I haven't found a [date/candidate to love/not-psycho]. Instead of relying on my [insert positive quality, and you definitely have at least one, even if it's “all my original fingers”] to find me someone, I will use modern search techniques to find candidates with good [credit ratings/relationship histories/criminal background checks] and invite those interested in partnership to talk about a possible merger. I will not let feelings of personal rejection slow my search, and won't give up until it's done.