F*ck Feelings (25 page)

Many weddings aim to be public, romantic, and often insanely expensive demonstrations of eternal commitment based on a grand, shared love. The greater the love, the more extravagant the wedding, the louder the band, and the taller the chocolate fountain at the dessert table.

The problem with this logic is that commitment is not just the result of mutual love; true commitment isn't to a person but a cause, be that revolution, saving the whales, or a marriage. For commitment to work, both parties should be united in dedication to their shared vision of a partnership and, yes, loving the partner they've found.

If you think commitment depends primarily on love, then you won't know what to look for, in yourself or another, other than love. And love might be the key factor in committing to a pair of shoes or pizza topping, but not another human being. You'll either get a messy breakup prepartnership or, worse, a bad partnership and later an even messier divorce.

The fact is, not everyone is built for commitment. Some very nice people prefer independence, don't like to share life decisions, or don't want or need the security or family life that commitment enables. More men than women fall into this category, leaving women in the unpleasant position of playing musical chairs for potential male commitment candidates, knowing that there are not enough for everyone who deserves them.

Then there are people who, no matter how much you love them, will drag you down if you're committed to them because they can't manage their lives; they shower risk and trouble on everyone close to them, which, of course, makes them sexy and more likely to find suckers who will keep trying to make a relationship work. They may want commitment, but you don't need a crystal ball to predict the future for them and their partners.

Either way, don't try to convince yourself or your partner that committing is the right thing to do until you've reviewed the facts and your values and goals and still think it's a good deal for both parties. If that doesn't persuade your partner to take the next step, you'll know you gave it your very best try, and that she maybe wasn't the best match for you in the first place. But if you both are committed to the vision you share and working together to make it come true, then blow way too much money on jewelry. You're ready to propose.

Among the wishes would-be committers express are:

• To move a relationship to the next step

• To find a way, at any cost, to avoid having to break up and start over

• To get someone they love to see that commitment would be great

• To get someone they love to stop their bad habits and settle down

Here are three examples:

My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years, but when I bring up the subject of marriage, he says he's not ready or just doesn't see the point. We get along well and I'm sure he loves me, but he says we're basically married already so why spoil what we've got with a new title? Also, he doesn't see himself as a father right now, or maybe ever. I'd really like a family and thought he'd come around when he saw how well we get along and how easy I am to live with. My goal is to get him to commit himself to marriage and the good life we could have together.

I love my boyfriend but I'm not sure I want to settle down, or want kids, or want to live in this town forever. He wants to get married, and I feel I'm just twenty-eight and I'd like to see the world and have more experience, maybe even live in another county for once in my life. We've known each other forever, started dating five years ago, and have lived together for three years, and it's all been great and progressing along, but for some reason, taking the final step and making it permanent makes me very nervous. My goal is to deal with the pressure he's putting on me.

My partner and I have been together for a long time—over ten years, at our last count—but neither one of us cares much about convention or ever starting a family, so we're happy to just keep things the way they are. We know that neither one of us is going anywhere. Our families, on the other hand, and you can add society while you're at it, seem to feel otherwise. Neither my partner nor I have led particularly conventional lives, so you'd think they'd just take our decision in stride, but no; both his parents and mine are constantly pressuring us to “do the right thing,” often adding, “before we die,” just to rub it in. My goal is to get people to accept that my partner and I are fine with the union we have.

Commitment is often presented as a mental, military-style obstacle course; if you can just get over the wall of anxiety, survive the electrified mud pit of personal baggage, and leap through the ice pool of faith, then you'll be ready to serve out your loving, eternal bond.

On the other hand, if you or your partner has real reservations that are making you reluctant to commit, then, like the military, you're probably charging ahead into another endless conflict.

That's why, if commitment isn't happening, it's your job to accept the possibility that there are good reasons for not going ahead, because the best way to win a battle is to avoid it in the first place.

If you love someone and can't get him to commit, reassess whether he's avoiding commitment because he doesn't like it, or because he's just plain incapable of it. Some people may hold back because they're restless and can't stand the idea of being tied down, and others may not want the kind of life or family their would-be partner desires. There are also people who like their pleasures, don't care for work, and don't want to make sacrifices for someone else's dream. Even their mothers refer to them as “winners” with dripping sarcasm.

Your job, if commitment isn't happening, is to consult a list of possible disqualifications. Gather information about past commitments, if any; unless your candidate is relatively young, you should be able to uncover a past-commitment story. If the story doesn't feature the other person's problems, or a problem that is under better control now than it was before, then keep history from repeating itself and move on.

Don't let love, a desire to please, or an urge to prove yourself get in the way of your doing a good, businesslike, due-diligence evaluation of whether partnership would be in your interest, as well as whether your would-be partner is reliable and has the necessary qualities and values. Because if you have to talk, trick, or push someone into commitment, then you're both committing to a world of misery.

If the mixed feelings about commitment are yours, and you feel pressured by your partner to make up your mind, don't dwell on what she wants and how you feel about it. Instead, ask yourself what
you
want, and whether your life goals (aside from pleasing her) would be advanced by a partnership. Seriously consider whether you actually want a family, common assets, and a lifelong partnership. Then determine whether your goals and your partner's match up.

Remember how you've managed commitment possibilities in the past; whether you've just avoided them, encountered possibilities that were bound to fall through, or had something good going and then ran away from it. Be as realistic as possible about any of your own negative behaviors that might interfere with partnership, and don't assume you can change unless you've decided to try and made some progress.

If you think partnership is not right for you, of course you stand to lose a close relationship, but it's better to disappoint now than later, and it will hurt less to end things before you've taken vows you know you can't keep. Don't fault yourself or your love and respect the fact that partnership is not for everyone.

If you and your partner both prefer to be nonpermanent partners, and it's others who tell you that partnership is the only decent goal for good people, then your task is easier. In order to best manage the constant criticism, ask yourself whether there's anything about this love relationship that is bad for either one of you, and that would be mended by settling down, sharing assets, and legally promising to stay.

Examine whether your current relationship puts one of you, or people who depend on you, at a disadvantage, either now or when one of you dies. Look at future worst-case scenarios to see if noncommitment could cause harm.

Once you've looked closely at the ethical and practical meaning of noncommitment and found nothing wrong with it, don't enter into discussion or debate with friends and relatives who want to push you into marriage. You've considered their concerns, you've thought about the bad things that could happen, and you've done what you think is right. You're comfortable making it clear that no further conversation on the topic is necessary.

Instead of thinking of the commitment as a battle, see it as a business; it has to make life better for both parties, in a way they both value, using practices they both approve of, and relying on qualities of discipline and reliability they both have. If those conditions are met, they'll still be talking to each other, caring about each other, and even loving each other after they've encountered life's shit together.

In the meantime, don't make the quest for partnership a test of your love; make it a test of your intelligence and experience, despite whatever love, lust, or insanity you might be feeling. Stick to the basics of what you need and what you think makes a good partner, and the feeling that you are in basic training will vanish.

Here's what you wish for and can't have:

• Love being all you need to keep you together

• Certainty that, if you overcome fear and take the plunge, everything will work out

• A love so strong it can change personality problems, personality differences, and maybe the weather

• Family that is always accepting of an unconventional relationship, lifestyle, haircut, etc.

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Be in love, and nevertheless be able to do an objective assessment of your lover's suitability for partnership and whether partnership is good for you

• Become good at avoiding love relationships with nonpartnership material

• Not feel like a failure, because finding a good partner is difficult and takes a lot of work

Here's how you can do it:

• Assess yourself and decide whether partnership is really what you want versus something you're expected to want

• List qualifications that a candidate must have to make partnership worth your while

• Describe the responsibilities and activities of the job your partner would need to take on

• Settle for nothing less than a good match

Here's what to tell someone/yourself when you're making a commitment decision.

Dear [Self/Person Who Loves Me but May or May Not Want Commitment/Total Loser I Am Trying to Will into a Decent Person]:

There's no question that our love is [true/strong/the best love that ever was in the history of all love forever], so now is the time for me to think about whether a partnership would be good for me and whether you would be a good [insert synonym for “boo”]. I've thought about whether I want [kids/life in the city/life in the country/a shared toilet and kitchen/a share of your college loan debt] and have decided it would be [good/bad] for me and you to partner up. Please give our commitment the same level of consideration, besides how much you like my [face/tush/laugh/entertainment center] and get back to me.

True and False Tests for Commitment

For some people—particularly women; particularly women who watch too many Lifetime movies; particularly women who watch so many Lifetime movies they do things that could easily end up being the subjects of Lifetime movies—the ultimate fantasy is finding a diamond in the rough and polishing him with love and devotion.

Changing and nurturing the one you love,
Beauty and the Beast
–style, is a double love high, adding a layer of redemptive ecstasy to the natural pleasure of romancing a wounded outlaw. It gives you a feeling of power and affirms your own goodness, which is also what makes this kind of relationship attractive to certain priests and therapists, not just drama-prone ladies. In this context, sex takes on healing powers, in addition to providing physical pleasure.