F*ck Feelings (40 page)

My husband and I moved to a new town for his job a few years ago. I thought I found a nice group of friends here, though I never liked the way one of them bosses the rest of us around. I never made an issue of it because I assumed it's just her way of being overly possessive, but when I refused to accept her advice about how I should renovate my kitchen, she suddenly stopped speaking to me. I thought it would pass, but then our mutual friends stopped answering my calls and I realized I'm no longer welcome in our social circle. It's just like high school, except worse, and it's affected my kids, who know their kids. I feel terrible and can't stop crying. My goal is to find out what is being said about me and try to straighten things out.

Whether lies force you out of your home, get you targeted for investigation, or just alienate family and friends, they hurt like hell and the possible consequences can terrify you. Fortunately, in most cases, these consequences never end up happening to anyone who isn't in an old Steven Bochco cop drama.

When you're in the thick of it, though, it's hard to remember that damage can eventually be limited, friends who believe shit about you are not your friends, and time will probably restore your credibility with the people who matter most—particularly your kids. Patience and persistence
do
win out, but in the meantime, they require you to know that, regardless of what happens, you believe the truth about yourself. Do not take your misfortune as a personal failure. Do not feel obliged to control what people think about you when it's clearly impossible.

As wolves,
Survivor
contestants, and politicians have discovered, attacking your attacker may damage him or her without helping you. It can also stir up a nasty counterattack. Remember, an Asshole can always beat you hands down in a competition of angry sincerity, and again, the more you protest, the guiltier you look. It's only later, when you have had an opportunity to document facts about who said what and how the money got spent that you will have the advantage.

Instead of attacking or defending, take time to form your own judgment of the allegations against you, even if you don't know exactly what they are. Putting aside your feelings, ask yourself and those you trust why a good person would find serious fault with your conduct, paying particular attention to your own standards for being a good partner, parent, and friend. Hold yourself to any legal or fiscal standards your lawyer tells you to be aware of. Then judge for yourself whether you've done wrong, much as you would judge a friend. For the purposes of this exercise, you're not supposed to be perfect, just good enough.

Of course, you should also ask yourself whether these lies are truly coming from an Asshole by reviewing what you know about the person who made them up—specifically by assessing how nasty and
black-and-white their thinking becomes when they feel threatened or unhappy.

When you're confident that the problem isn't you, remind yourself that, though you're in the eye of a shit storm, your only crime was to have a relationship with an Asshole. Even if you chose that relationship, it's not a criminal mistake.

Don't fight back unless it's in a court, you feel it's necessary, and you're likely to win; then get yourself the right help and assemble the tools you'll need for the long haul. You may never completely undo the social or legal damage, but you can strengthen your ability to believe in your own judgment, fight effectively when you must, and become a far better person than you thought possible; certainly better than the Asshole will ever be.

Here's what you wish for and can't have:

• To get people to see through the Asshole's lies

• To force the Asshole to acknowledge said lies, and any additional Assholery

• To get quick justice, or be certain of getting any justice at all

• To know when the shit will stop so at least you can be sure of the nightmare's end date

• To figure out how to recover from the feelings of helplessness ASAP

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Learn how to assess and approve your own actions and use that certainty to weather the storm

• Prevent your anguish over damaged relationships from damaging them further or destroying your hope of ever having a healthy relationship again

• Learn techniques for winning a slander war (mainly through silence)

• Find better relationships, using what you learned during wartime

Here's how you can do it:

• Get legal advice on how to defend yourself and your assets (and forget about your good name, at least for a while)

• Stop yourself from saying and doing the things you'd most like to say and do, because your instincts, like Assholes in general, are wrong

• Use a coach, like a lawyer, shrink, or close friend, to help you respond carefully, positively, and in writing (without any profanity)

• Create a paper trail—email, bank records, or credit cards—to document your defense

• Respect yourself for what you're doing, regardless (and because) of the negative response you'll probably get and the angry, helpless feelings you'll have to endure

• Refuse to be drawn into meaningful talks about feelings that always end badly (see sidebar below)

Here's what to say to an Asshole who is saying bad things about you.

Dear [Asshole Slanderer],

I am writing because I've always valued our relationship—it's always been [pleasant/well-catered/so much better than cancer]. I've heard, however, that you feel [hurt/violated/ready to murder my face]. My standards regarding the alleged [child abuse/marital infidelity/disrespect to your homies] are, I believe, the same as yours, so I've reviewed my actions closely, looking for ways I might have failed to meet those standards. In the end, I disagree with your opinion, and can only hope that time and more evidence will eventually change your mind. Meanwhile, I will not let disagreement interfere with our ability to work together on [raising the kids/church bake sales/supporting the New England Patriots] and will not bring it up again. Feel free to contact me by email whenever necessary.

Grammar for Asshole Wrangling

Although we address the twin evils of helpfulness and saintliness in chapter 4, the wish to save Assholes from themselves is worth special attention. This instinct is on a whole new level of damage and futility, like trying to help put out a fire by filling a hose with gasoline.

What's truly dangerous about trying to save Assholes from themselves—given your love for their charisma, your affection for some niceness you see trapped in there, and your pity for the suffering they bring on themselves—is that the main trigger to their awfulness is close relationships. The act of helping them isn't merciful; it's like poking an angry tiger with a cattle prod.

Yes, Assholes are often victims and deserve kindness in any case; if, as we argue, they can't help the harm they do, they still don't deserve blame. You have a duty to protect yourself, however, particularly when you know they're dangerous and that previous efforts to help have ended badly. There's no excuse for sentimental kindness when it pushes a knowing adult to take stupid risks.

The worst danger is not that you'll get hurt—after all, getting hurt is how you learn—but that your involvement will cause permanent harm and compromise other commitments. Here are some cautionary warnings about the risks of being a kind do-gooder when you're tempted to make an Asshole, aka, a do-badder, the object of your kindness.

Among the wishes people express when they write us or come for treatment are:

• To save an Asshole from the past and present abusers who have driven them to your (temporarily) safe harbor

• To stop the abusers themselves as if you were the Asshole's personal Superman

• To free an Asshole from an addiction/bad habit by giving him unconditional support that will surely allow him to wean off heroin or alcohol or sex

• To show an Asshole there is someone he can really, finally trust. Yikes.

Here are some examples:

I'm trying to help an unusually gifted student whom I've mentored since he graduated from my high school English class five years ago. He
first came to me for support because he felt the guidance counselor was prejudiced against him, then stayed in close touch, and I like to think my support sustained him through severe depression and a bout of opiate abuse. Recently, he's been in crisis and is in danger of dropping out of graduate school, so he's been calling me every night and talking for an hour. I can't figure out why, but he hints that he's using drugs again and having flashbacks to being physically abused by his parents. I remember meeting his parents, and they didn't seem like abusers, but the main thing I believe he needs from me is solid, unconditional acceptance, so I don't want to say anything that he'll interpret as critical or unsupportive. My goal is to figure out how to win his trust.

My sister is her own worst enemy when it comes to relationships, and I wish I could help her control herself. When she's in a good mood, no one is more charismatic and friendly, but when her mood turns sour, which can happen at any time, she tears people apart and drives them away. She won't talk to our parents and stopped talking to our brother, who used to be her best friend. Her only remaining friends live too far away to be around when she gets mean, which is why they're still friends. For some reason, she turned to me for comfort after she felt the rest of the family had betrayed her. She's so tortured, it breaks my heart. My goal is to figure out how to use the trust she gives me to get her to see what she's doing.

My boyfriend is struggling to make some money and move out of his parents' home, but the economy is terrible and I understand that it's been hard for him to get a real job. Also, no one will hire him because he has a conviction for possession when he was eighteen and it shows up whenever an employer does a security check. So it's hard for me to say no when he asks me to help him carry drugs, because no one would suspect me and the cops are always watching him. All he needs is a little more money, and then he can start his own business and we can build a life together. I don't mind helping him because it's really a way of helping both of us, but my mother says I'm going to get into big trouble, and I've got a child to take care of. My goal is to figure out how to help him get a fair start in life.

It's always better to be a person who believes in helping others, because living up to such values is what makes life worthwhile. Besides, it makes you a good person, which is the only legitimate reason for self-esteem. The key to being helpful, however, is knowing when it's impossible or dangerous. Saving Assholes is usually both.

Before taking on responsibility for someone else's pain and problems, do a careful risk assessment. It doesn't require you to be cynical or negative about the person you wish to help, but it does mean gathering and paying attention to facts, regardless of your feelings.

If someone says she's been abused, for instance, you don't need to know whether it actually happened. You do need to know whether she can now tolerate the normal lumps and bumps of a relationship without reliving the abuse and getting paranoid about someone who is a not-so-bad friend, like you. If she's using drugs, you may assume she's using to self-medicate the pain of loss, anxiety, or depression, but nevertheless, you need to find out whether she can tolerate any pain and frustration without immediately doing whatever makes her feel better.

Get a little paranoid and ask yourself what's the worst that can happen if this Asshole decides you're the source of all her pain. It will obviously hurt like hell if she turns against you and bad-mouths you to all your friends, but with an Asshole, nasty gossip is only the tip of the iceberg. She's totally capable of reporting you to the authorities, be it for sexual abuse you did not commit or something illegal she involved you with. You've heard from her how many horrible things people have done to her in her crazy life; don't doubt for a second that, if you disappoint her, she'll see you as one of those people, deserving of the same treatment.