Fierce Dawn (31 page)

“
Without a need to pass on our DNA, like a human, the game changes. Sex is more casual.”

“
I’ve heard enough.” More than enough. Saying goodbye
—
ending it, was one thing. Marginalizing what they’d shared was another.

“
You misunderstand me. What I’m saying is that an immortal rarely loves.”

She couldn’t speak past the hot anger.

“
Sex isn’t necessarily a factor. Sex comes and goes. Love is permanent and soul binding and in the case of real, true love, what is more than friendship and more than family, chooses you. You do not choose it.”

Was he getting angry, too? Now that would be perfect. Just perfect. “Don’t patronize me,” she managed to say. “Mortal or immortal, whatever I am right now, don’t treat me like some child who doesn’t know her own feelings.”

“
Sadie,” he implored
,
“I am not saying what you feel is not real. I know it is more real and more intense than anything you’ve ever experienced. But that doesn’t make it love. It means you are deeply affected by my magnetism and I am right now as well. What I feel for you is incredible. I’m powerless to it. But it won’t last. It will pass along with the last layers of the mortal shell you’re shedding.”

“
What if I’m already done? How can you know? How can you know at what point I am at in this process? It’s not like you have experience with it. According to Holly, no immortal has. According to Monica, changelings have been kept secret for years, hidden or destroyed, in order to keep the realms separate.”

“
Changeling is exactly my point. No one knows their rules. Especially about love.” Elijah was shaking his head. “I need you to trust me. I don’t want to hurt you, but this is not love.”

Sadie almost punched him in his perfect jaw. Anger felt so much better than the hurt. “You haven’t been here to see what point I am at. You haven’t spoken with Astrid yet, gotten her evaluation.”

Was she forcing him to say the worst? Could she survive it when he no longer looked at her with tenderness and care?

“
Astrid left us.” He looked down. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I shouldn’t have come to you at all. I gave in and I’ll never forgive myself for not taking your feelings into consideration. I should have known.”

“
Known what?” she demanded, swiping an angry tear away.

“
Known that you would eventually believe yourself in love with me. Known that I was taking advantage.”

“
No, you don’t get to say that
,
” she said, jabbing a finger into his chest. “I’m not some naïve girl that you took advantage of. You warned me, you tried to stay away. Don’t you dare treat me like I’m helpless.”

“
I know you aren’t helpless.”

Just say it
, she wanted to shout,
say it now. Say you don’t love me
. Her and her big mouth. “But you can’t love me.”

“
It isn’t that I can’t. It’s that what I feel is attraction. Intense attraction
does
not equate to love. Immortals love forever. It isn’t the fickle, in and out of infatuation that mortals all live in.” Elijah got up and jerked his pants on. What did he have to be so angry about? “I care about you, Sadie, but love is not what you are feeling for me. I’m sorry. This is my fault. I shouldn’t have given in to my attraction. I knew it would be temporary.”

“
No. I said don’t.” She stood as well and donned her panties. “I’m not a victim in this. I’ve seduced you at every turn. I knew what I was doing. Like I know now. You’re so caught up in blaming yourself that you can’t see what is right in front of you.” The tears she’d held in check threatened. Her eyes stung. Elijah didn’t respond, making her hurt all the worse. “I’m not another fickle mortal.”

“
I know you are not a victim or fickle, Sadie. I’ve seen your courage and your heart. One day, you’ll understand.”

Understand? Some stupid part of her thought he’d fallen for her. Thought certainly he knew how she felt, and something had triggered in him. Some sort of realization.

A part of her had been prepared for disappointment, too, though. Now, self-respect in hand, she would leave. Sadie strode for the bathroom. She would get dressed and go. Holly would take her. Holly’d help her pack, if two changes of clothes and a barely charged cell phone could be considered packing. Holly wanted Elijah for herself. Was that love
,
then? One-sided blind and stupid love?

“
Sadie, stop,” Elijah called out, a warning in his tone.

She tugged on her jeans, snapped on her bra and began stuffing her backpack, “No. You don’t love me, you don’t believe me, and why wait. Why prolong the agony.”

“
You don’t understand.” He took her by the shoulders and slowly turned her.

“
I don’t need to understand. It’s over. All of it. Once the change is complete,” she said, fighting his turn. “I’ll come back. I’ll help you if I can. I will still help you. But right now, I want to go home.”

He came around the bed. His hands turned her and pressed her shoulders. “They’re just scars,” she snapped and tried again to face him
,
but he stopped her. “Don’t worry. They don’t hurt anymore.”

“
Sadie, you have every right to fight me right now
,
but please give me ten more minutes and I swear, if you still want to leave, I’ll get
you
safely home. I can’t let you leave like this.”

“
What do you care? You should want me gone. If you’re right, once I change, I won’t want you anymore.” A tear slid down her cheek. She swiped at it angrily. “Isn’t that what you want?”

He let go. She spun around, eyeing him. The strange expression contorting his face gave her an upside-down belly quiver. “What is it?”

“
Please, just don’t move. Alright?”

“
Two minutes,” she said.

Elijah fled from the room. A moment later, he returned with Astrid. “I thought you left.” The woman’s dispassionate face actually made Sadie feel better. Detached, she could use right now.

Holly and Lyric soon arrived. Did none of them sleep? Sadie took two steps backward, her throat went flame hot. None of them spoke. “What is it?” she demanded.

Elijah wouldn’t meet her eyes. Astrid approached her first. Slowly, Astrid turned her around. In one of those surreal, exaggerated moments of good drugs and bad theater, someone said, “Sadie. You have wings.”

~ ~ ~

Chapter Twenty-two

Wings
? Comprehension stung Sadie.

No
. She reached her back, felt around. Her shoulder blades…skin…no cuts, no blood. Wetness? Something, though, something there. Something different. She rushed to the bathroom and faced her back to the oval mirror.

Sadie gasped. There in the yellowy light, two small golden shapes jutted out of her scars. They were no longer than a foot each and lay limp and narrow like a butterfly, fresh from its cocoon. She tried to reach them, to feel texture
,
but her back muscles protested. The ache she’d lived with for so long was gone but a faint soreness replaced it.

She had wings.

“
When did you first notice them?” Holly said. But she wasn’t addressing Sadie. She asked Elijah.

“
A few moments ago.”

Astrid touched her shoulders and, for once, she looked sympathetic. “May I?”

Sadie nodded and turned her back. The coldness of her fingers soothed Sadie’s skin and muscle. She could feel the wings, she realized, like any other part of her. Fingers or ears or the tip of her nose. She was afraid to try to move them
,
though
,
and held very still. Astrid moved her hands in circles, sending icy waves through her muscles. Sadie could feel the cold healing her.

Astrid could not soothe her heart. Or her mind, which raced with conclusion after conclusion. She had wings. Astrid had suspected as much, Sadie saw now. All the attention on her scars, all the questions.

Messengers did not have wings.

Seekers had wings.

Only seekers.

She had transformed into a seeker? Silence pressed in on her. She didn’t want to turn back around and see her worst fear revealed in their eyes, in his eyes. She had no reading powers because she was not a messenger. All the more for Elijah to blame their physical attraction on. Magnetism to her. Not love at all.

Her stomach cinched. And what if he was right?

“
Holly,” Elijah said quietly. “You said she would become a messenger. Why?”

“
It was my best guess. I’m sorry. Had I known….”

Sadie’d been ready to walk out the door but it was an empty threat, an act of pride. Now, knowing she would have to go, she’d give anything to stay. But how? If she wasn’t what Elijah hoped for, had counted on all this time, why stay?

He didn’t love her.

Astrid’s hands stopped their probe, leaving her to face them. All but Elijah wore the same stunned expression. Now what? Elijah kept his face averted but she saw the tight set of his jaw, the tension in his wings. Where was Monica? Would she become their new hope?

She wouldn’t let them see her heartache. “Holly, can you give me a ride home tonight?”

“
If that’s what you want,” Holly said.

“
You don’t have to leave us, Sadie,” Lyric said.

Her heart ached. She couldn’t imagine their disappointment. Sadie straightened, watching Astrid quietly exit. Holly’s gaze remained guarded, Lyric’s sympathetic.

“
I do, actually.” She reached for her shirt. “My sister is worried, I have a life to get back to.”

Lyric gave her a long searching look
,
then perhaps seeing her determination, perhaps seeing the futility of pushing, departed as well.

“
How long do you need?” Holly asked.

“
I can go now.” She grabbed her backpack, took a glance around, being sure to ignore the rumpled sheets, and nodded. “I’m ready.”

Her eyes felt like sand. Her chest ached but she wouldn’t cry. There was too much to take in, too many things to absorb and take care of to cry right now. Holly’s silent presence helped.

The drive went by fast thanks to Holly’s driving and the shock blanketing Sadie’s brain. Lampposts lit the street. Jen’s house loomed ahead.

“
If you need anything at all,” Holly said, as Sadie reached for the door handle. She handed Sadie a card with numbers scribbled on the back. “Call.”

“
Thank you,” Sadie replied, but the shock barred room for many emotions. Particularly, gratitude.

The dark street sat silent once Holly pulled away. The night bore down on her. Sadie let herself in the front door and went directly to her bedroom. It all felt like a bad dream and for the first time, she wished it was. How wonderful to wake from this nightmare, to take the right pill and make it all go away.

Sleep. She needed sleep. Her body needed to heal. In her room, in her bed, Sadie curled into the blankets and shut her eyes. Her heart tried to replay the night’s events but her mind pushed them out. She focused on her breathing, on how much better her back felt, on the idea that it was all no more than a very vivid, very emotional dream.

It was good to be home.

Sunday afternoon…

Jen peeked her head in. “You’re back?” she whispered.

Sadie nodded, rolled over. The box Heather had dug through to find their mother’s journal stared at her. Damn it. She’d left her own behind. Would Elijah find them? Read them. It mattered little now. She closed her eyes against the pain and hugged her warm wings around her.

Jen left.

Monday….

Text inbox full. Ben called. Sadie let it go to voicemail.

Tuesday…..

She did not cry.

Wednesday
.

She slept.

Thursday
.

Heather left another message. Was it five now?

Her stomach hurt. She ate. She went back to sleep. She didn’t dream.

Sunda
y?

Jen sat on her bed and almost smack
ed
onto her left wing. “Sadie?”

“
Mmmm,” Sadie said, without opening her eyes, curling one growing, velvety appendage around her.

“
Cynthia is wondering if you’ll be back in to work this week.”

She still had a job? How was that possible? She cracked her eyes open. “What time is it?” Carefully, she stretched out one wing. Instead of laying atop Jen’s leg, her wing went through her cousin and came to rest on the bed. Freaky.

“
Three or so.” Jen’s worry showed in her eyes. But if she’d felt Sadie’s brand new, fuzzy wing pass through her hip, she didn’t register it. “Want to grab some Pita Jungle with me? Split a chicken platter?”