Fifty Shades of Submission (15 page)

Saskia smiled. “What do you expect when you’re always at
tacking me like a rampant bull?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. Not entirely. You’re haven’t yet learnt the art of restraint. Sometimes a lady wants to be wooed a little, flirted with, before being fucked repeatedly. I love your stamina and your passion but you must learn self-control in future. That is something I will teach you when you’re my fully-fledged slave.”

She
took my hand and smiled. "You’re right about what you said earlier. We certainly can’t stay here. While I’ve been away I’ve been thinking things over. What I want out of our relationship in future is to have a slave who submits completely to my power. The thought of that excites me tremendously. And to that end I have decided that we will live in the country where we are not known. I have been looking at a few places while I was away and there are a few possibilities, but I haven’t quite made my mind up yet. The kind of place we need must be isolated and secluded – far away from prying eyes."

I could see that she
was very excited. Her dark red hair was loose and fell like a lion's mane down her back and her green eyes blazed brilliantly with delicious anticipation at the prospect of having me completely in her power.

She saw the way I was looking at her and
leaned forward and kissed me. The urgency and ferocity of that kiss felt as though she wanted to suck the very soul from my body. I began to feel lightheaded. My penis was rock hard and completely erect and my heart beat violently against her breasts.

"I want to be
absolutely in your power!" I murmured fervently, seized by a sudden frenzy of passion. I could scarcely think clearly. "I want to put myself unconditionally at your mercy - without any limits to your power over me!" I looked at her with delirious eyes. She was my love, my mistress, my beautiful temptress and seductress – my everything.

She ran her fingers tenderly through my hair.
"How beautiful you are at this moment, Julian," she said softly. "You look so angelic and vulnerable. Your eyes are feverish with ecstasy yet I can’t help thinking how wonderful you would look if you were being cruelly beaten, or in the extreme agony of some physical torture. Is that very evil of me to think such things? I’m not entirely to blame, though - you possess air of a true martyr. You’re the kind of man that is capable of corrupting the soul of any woman. I fear that you have already ruined me."

"
Most welcome, bondage, for thou art a way, I think, to liberty
." - William Shakespeare

In the dead of night, lying alone in my bed, I am awake and unable to sleep. I have become uneasy about placing myself so absolutely, so unconditionally into Saskia’s hands. Suppose she did abuse my passion and her newfound power over me? I was only too familiar with unspeakable cruelties at the hands of ruthless, self-serving women.

But if
that is to be the case, then wouldn’t I be fulfilling the dark dreams that have haunted me since childhood? Dark fantasies that filled me with fear, yet at the same time offering excruciating tormented pleasure.

Surely this
will be just a sexual game that we will be playing and nothing more? She loves me, I’m sure of it. I can see it in her eyes, in the way that she looks at me. I can feel it in the tenderness of her touch. She is my love. She is beautiful and good and kind - incapable of gross depravity and cruelty.

But the power
lies in her hands — in future, if she wants to be cruel towards me, she can.

But
I love her with a love that is obsessive and overpowering. I must have her no matter what the cost. Love can be a sweet and tender, and yet at the same time it can be violent and insane - an illogical power that drives us to commit unspeakable deeds in its name. And yet also a force capable of the most amazing, tender kindnesses towards the objects of our desire. Love robs us of all judgement and reason. We cease to think clearly, and we carelessly allow ourselves to be swept away by it without knowing where it will lead and where it will eventually end.

With that thought in mind, I finally close my eyes and drift
off into a fitful sleep.

“
Sex without pain is like food without taste
.” ― Marquis de Sade

A new guest booked into the hotel yesterday. He arrived in the dead of night and asked for the best room.  Today we came across him walking out in the woods. He has a tall, athletic figure, magnificent rugged features, and a splendid bearing. He looks like a man in his mid-forties, with the kind of craggy handsome features that women find appealing.

Our paths crossed and
he seemed lost in his own thoughts, eyes staring at some distant horizon, hands clasped behind his back. Suddenly he saw Saskia and stopped. He fixed a curious, piercing look on her. As we passed by he turned his head after her and stood perfectly still, following her with his eyes, devouring her with his gaze.

She
returned his gaze openly. There was an immediate change in her demeanor - the brazen flirtatiousness with which she walked and looked at him appalled me.

On the way
back to the hotel I remarked about it and she frowned disapprovingly.

"
Don’t start playing the jealous lover, Julian," she said. "That would really irritate me. Our new guest looks like the kind of man I might like. He is obviously good looking and confident - and alone. And I am a free woman. I can do as I please."

I was suddenly frightened.
"What do you mean you’re free? What about us?”

"
What
about
us?" she challenged irritably. "Just because you and I were lovers it doesn’t mean I can’t look at another man. I am interested in our mysterious new guest. Perhaps I shall have a fling with him. A short, intense, sexual encounter of some sort. Perhaps I’ll go to his room tonight and seduce him. Or take him out to the woods and let him fuck me there."

She saw the
downcast look on my face and was angered by it. “Aren't you my slave? Am I not your owner and mistress and goddess? Have you forgotten that as my slave you live to serve me alone, that your sole purpose in life is to secure my happiness?"

I was silent.
Her words crushed me; her cutting look was like a dagger through my heart. Just because we
were
lovers – she had said it in the past tense. And indeed, she had not allowed me to make love to her since her return. She had responded to my passionate kisses and had allowed me to suckle at her naked breasts, but as soon as my hand wondered down to her luscious thighs and dug between her legs she would push my hand away and keep her thighs firmly clamped shut.

"
Find out that man’s name and what room number he’s in,” Saskia said. "I shall pay him a visit tonight.”

"But—"

"No argument!” she said sternly. "As my slave you are to obey my every command.
Go now!
And don't you
dare
enter my sight again until you have the information."

I obtained
the information by going through the hotel’s register when Mrs Wilson’s back was turned, and went up to Saskia’s room. She made me stand before her like a servant, while she leaned back in her arm-chair. “So? Have you got his name and room number?”

I nodded and gave the information to her.
When I had finished, she nodded, seeming satisfied.

"H
ow will this end?" I said finally, wretchedly.

She
laughed playfully. "How will it end? Why, things haven't even
begun
yet, you silly boy!"

"You are mor
e heartless than I imagined. Why are you tormenting me like this?"

"Julian
," she said suddenly serious. "I haven't
done
anything yet! Not the slightest thing! And here you are, already accusing me of being heartless! What will happen when we begin to live out
your
fantasies of slavehood? What will happen when I actually begin to fulfil your dreams and treat you badly?"

"
Perhaps you are taking my fantasies too seriously," I mumbled almost inaudibly.

"Too
seriously
? We can’t stop the roles
you
have chosen for us once we begin! May I remind you that
you’re
the one who wanted this. Was it my idea or yours? Did I persuade you, or were
you
the one who planted the idea in my head? How dare you blame me now for taking it seriously?"

"Saskia," I replied, uncertainly, "listen to me. I
love you infinitely. Aren’t we happy together just as we are? Do you want to sacrifice our entire future for a fantasy?"

"
It has become much more than a fantasy," she retorted angrily.

"What ha
s it become, then?" I asked.

"
You have awoken something that has lain dormant in me, Julian. Perhaps these feelings would never have emerged if you had not come into my life and brought them out of me. The thought of our unique future together has become a powerful force within me. It fills my thoughts day and night – I can think of little else. I am beginning to enjoy this perverted and exciting power I have over you – with all its shades of wickedness and depravity. Are you saying that you want to back out of our agreement before we have even begun? Katherine was right – you are nothing but a shallow man who does not even have the courage of his convictions.”

For the first time in our relationship I could see that she was extremely angry with me.

"My love!" I began, and tried to kiss her, but she turned her face away sharply.

"Don't
touch me! You are
not
a man, you’re a
child
! I may not have your raving corrupt imagination, but when I make up my mind to do something I carry it through! Now you can go! Leave me!"

She pushed me away
and got up.

"Saski
a!" I moaned pleadingly, frightened by her anger and rejection.

Her green eyes blazed.
"You have your own free choice! I am certainly not forcing you to be my slave!"

My eyes grew moist.
"Saskia," I said emotionally, "don't you know how much I love you?"

He
r lips curled down contemptuously. "Decide now, Julian! Will you submit yourself to me unconditionally as we planned – or not?" She stood before me, cold and disdainful. As she stood there, hands on her hips, an evil smile played about her lips. Her expression was hard, her eyes merciless.

"Well—
?" she said at last.

"
Don’t be angry with me. Punish me if you like."

"
Punish you? Oh no!" she replied, "I shall let you go, that’s what I’ll do! You are free. There’s the door! Don’t let me hold you back!"

"Saskia, I
love you —"

"Yes, you
love and adore me," she said sneeringly. "So you keep saying! But what is your supposed love really worth? You are nothing but a coward and a liar - a breaker of promises. Leave me!
Go
!"

"
Saskia —"

"
Go
!"

"Oh my God!" I cried, beside myself. "I will do whatever you
want! I will be your slave, I will be submissive! I will be a mere object with which you can do with as you like. Please!
Please
, I beg you, don't send me away!" I fell to my knees before her in supplication and threw my arms around her.

"Yes, you must be a slave,
” she said, calm suddenly. “You deserve to be lashed and beaten because you’re duplicitous. Now that I know your cowardly nature, you deserve to be maltreated. I know you now, and you shall certainly come to know
me
."

"Being your slave, what should I do but tend upon the hours and times of your desire?"
- William Shakespeare

Lately, I am in a permanent state of anxiety. I feel as though I am standing on quicksand. I know that I am sinking but I make no move to save myself. It’s as if I welcome my own destruction. The thought of being constantly subjected to pain excites me immeasurably and yet, makes me afraid.

Saskia
has not allowed me to kiss or touch her in days. She seems to flinch when I come near her as though she now finds my advances repulsive. Her manner toward me has become cold and aloof.

What are her intentions? What does she
intend doing with me? Will she continue with our pact or will I wake up one morning to find her gone?