Filthy Bastard (Grim Bastards MC) (13 page)

I hated seeing Brew, fucking hated it. Not the fact of seeing him in general. Getting even a brief glance at his face nearly caused my heart to jump from my chest. I really do hate that he saw me after I was with Blake. The tears he saw in my eyes were bad enough, but it was even worse that I nearly vomited all over him. It became terrible when he had to watch me lose my dinner in the bushes. I was both embarrassed and ashamed, a new combination for me.

Running my hands over my bare legs, I wash away the blood and semen sticking to my thighs. For the first time, I notice the bite marks scattered across my body. Scratch marks and indentions from his ring can still be seen on my ribs. Finger sized bruises are already showing on my hips and arms, and I’m sure they are on my neck, too.

I think about the way Brew looked at me and wonder if he saw how damaged I was, how I was broken both inside and out. The way he stared at me, it made me think he was willing to take all my pain away, fight the world if needed. For a second, I wanted to tell him everything. To let him fix it for me, but I can’t do that. I can’t pull Brew into this mess. He did enough for me, giving me a taste of freedom. There is no way I’m gonna drag him through the filth with me. He deserves better; Brew deserves to find someone worthy of his devotion.

There is also no way in hell that I can tell him what went on in that hotel room, no way I can tell him what has been going on for the last year. I don’t want to see the disgust in his eyes. I got enough of that tonight with him thinking I was meeting a lover at the hotel. I can only imagine how he would look at me if he knew I was my brother-in-law’s whore.

My phone ringing brings me out of my thoughts, reminding me that I have been in the shower too damn long. Turning off the water, I am just stepping out of the shower when my ringer goes silent. As I wrap a towel around my body, it starts again. I make it to my purse by the third ring. After pulling my phone out, Alex’s name flashes across the screen.

I fight back my nausea as I answer. “Hey.”

“Hi,” she says, her voice filled with sadness.

My heart starts to beat at a frantic pace as I ask, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she replies, huffing into the phone. “I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I shouldn’t have come down on you so hard. You’re a grown woman now, and you deserve to live your life anyway you want. It’s just that this pregnancy has my hormones all out of whack.”

This was my sister. She screams and threatens when she is angry. When that anger passes, she always says she’s sorry, even if she was in the right in the first place. In reality, she had no right to be angry, but she doesn’t know that. She thought I ran off without a thought for her. She has every right to be pissed at me.

“It’s okay, Sis,” I tell her, taking in a deep breath. “I should’ve found a way to get in touch with you.”

“Yeah, you should have,” she says with a laugh before going on. “But, it’s okay. I know you needed a break.”

“Just a little bit longer and we’re out of here.” I remind her of something she already knows. “Then, we’ll be free.”

Even after I say the words aloud, I think of the lies I am telling my sister. I’m promising her something that can never happen. I’ll try to make it happen, try to get her away from Blake, but I doubt it will last long. He’ll find us, and he’ll force us both back into his web. Still, I have to at least make an attempt for Alex and the baby. For me, too. I have to get away from him while there’s still a trace of the Addy I remember left.

She lets out a drawn out sigh then replies, “I love the sound of that word, Addy. Freedom. Won’t that be amazing?”

“Have you picked out where you want to go?” I ask, a question that I’ve asked her a million times over the last year.

“Alabama,” she whispers out, finally giving me an answer. “I want you to show me where you and Trix ran off to. If you loved it so much that you forgot to call, it must be an awesome place.”

Of course, she isn’t completely over her snit and she had to remind me one last time. “Okay, Alex. We’ll move to Alabama. We’ll live near the coast and be beach bums for the rest of our lives. The baby will learn how to swim before he has his first birthday.”

“Yeah, she will. We’ll buy her a yellow polka dot bikini and some hot pink water wings,” she says, reminding me that she wants a girl, even though the ultrasound proved she was carrying a boy months ago.

We chat for a few more minutes before hanging up. Then, I head back to the bathroom and toss my discarded clothes in the trash can. There’s no way I will ever wear them again. I always make sure to wear clothes Blake will hate, then throw them away after. When done, I go to the sink and brush my teeth. As I do, I notice a red mark on my neck. At first, I think they’re marks from his fingers, but then it hits me. He bit me there, too. It’s not a full bite mark, but Blake wanted to leave something behind. The sight of it has my stomach churning again. I hope it was dark enough that Brew didn’t notice it. If he did, his opinion of me would be even worse.

Through my tears, I remind myself that the baby will be here soon. Then, my sister can have her surgery and she can finally leave that piece of shit behind. She will no longer have any need to stay with him, and I will never have to allow him to touch me again. Still, I’m not sure I can ever remove his touch from my body.

I close my eyes and try to replace Blake’s image with Brew’s, try to find a minute’s piece. I can’t, though; I can’t even associate Brew with the bastard. My mind drifts, wondering what will happen to me when all this is over. Will I ever be able to move on, put this behind me? I fucking doubt it. I know I’ll never be able to forget the way Blake used me.

Suddenly, it all comes crashing down on me, all the shame and pain and anger and millions of other emotions I can’t describe. I know my life will never be the same; I’ll never be able to live with the shame that fills me. Realizing this, I take out my anger on the mirror in front of me. I rare back and hit it, and keep hitting it until it cracks and busts. Glass falls all around me, covering the sink and falling to the floor. I look down at my hand and see the blood dripping down onto the bright white sink, leaving pink streaks all the way to the floor.

The blood reminds me of a time when hurting myself would bring me relief from my mother and all her demands. I jerk open the medicine cabinet and pull out one of those flimsy yellow razors. I haven’t done this in years, not since Trix discovered I liked to cut myself and damn near beat me to death. She isn’t here now, though. No, she’s happy with a man she loves. Even if she was, I’m not sure even my best friend could stop me this time. I need the relief this will bring so damn bad that nothing short of death could stop me this time.

I use my fist to break off the plastic casing, causing my skin to tear right at the palm, and pull out the blade. I take a step back and place one foot on the rim of the tub. My hands shake uncontrollably as I carefully run the blade down my inner thigh. Slicing again and again, I’m careful not to cut too deep. When the blood finally starts to drop on the floor, I let out a sigh and pray that my pain will flow away with the blood.

Brew

SITTING ON
the ratty ass couch in the common room, my dick being sucked by a club whore, I’m doing my best to forget Addy, but it’s not working. I fucking wish I could forget everything that has happened the last few weeks, forget ever meeting her. That shit ain’t happening, though. She fills my dreams. Fuck, she fills my mind during every fucking waking moment, too. Even alcohol and women do nothing to help my memories fade.

My eyes slowly open to look at the club whore between my legs. Her lips are wrapped around my cock as one hand massages my balls. She’s giving it her all, but I’m not even close to coming. Her short blonde hair is throwing me off. It’s damn near causing my dick to soften, just knowing I’d rather it be long waves of red.

Her eyes come to mine as she pulls her lips away. “Do you like it, baby? Do you like having my lips around your cock?”

It’s hard as hell to keep the sneer off my face when I answer her stupid fucking question. “No talking, mouth on my dick.”

Doing as she’s told, she gets back to work. Her free hand moves to the base of my cock, twisting with each downward stroke of her head. As she swallows around my tip, a wave of pleasure crashes through me. My hands find her hair, and I work her head up and down faster. Just as I feel my balls start to tighten, a door slams, drawing my attention.

The Pres walks into the common room, Trix at his side. Her eyes come to me, the anger on her face easily readable. Snapping my eyes shut, I push Trix’s fury to the back of my mind and focus on the release I need. Moving the club whore’s head faster, I slide in as far as I can go and let her take me where I need to be.

My rhythm speeds up, forcing her to take even more of my cock. Blocking out everything else, I focus on the feeling of soft lips and a warm mouth wrapped around my aching dick. It only takes another minute before I’m shooting down her throat. Right at the moment, red hair and deep brown eyes pop into my mind, taking away any enjoyment I felt.

After pulling out of her mouth, I tuck myself away and tap her on the shoulder. “Go get me a beer. Grab yourself one, too.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to go back to your room?” she asks, doing her best to look sexy with drool sticking to her chin.

“Don’t have time,” I reply, trying not to look her in the eyes. “Just get me the beer, babe. Nothing more right now.”

She smiles at me as she pushes herself up from the floor. “Okay.”

She gets no more than a few feet away when Trix plops down beside me and says, “So, you’re back to club whores again?”

“Yeah, I am,” I admit, letting out a long breath. “Addy doesn’t want me, Trix, and I’m not into chasing the unattainable.”

“That’s not true.” Trix looks at me for a moment before her eyes soften. “She wants you, Brew. I know she does.”

I can tell she wants to say more, but I cut her off. “It is true. She doesn’t want me. I fucking tried. Took your advice and went after her, went all the way to Knoxville. She made it clear that she wanted not one damn thing to do with me.”

“Something happened to her,” she says, laying a hand on my arm. “I’m not sure what happened, but it was bad.”

A chill works up my spine as I think about her getting sick at the hotel. “What the hell are you talking about?”

We both go quiet as the club whore walks over to hand me my beer. She looks between Trix and me with a tight smile on her face. “Can I get you something to drink?

Trix shakes her head, faking her own smile. “Not right now, but thanks.”

Knowing her place, the whore shoots me a smile before turning around and walking across the room. A second later, she’s in the lap of another brother. Her hand is down his pants as she runs kisses across his chin. She’s already completely forgotten me. Hopefully, I can forget what I just did with her with the same speed.

“Finish what you started.” Jerking my eyes to Trix, I bark, “Tell me what in the fuck is going on with Addy that’s got you so damn worked up.”

“I don’t know. Truly, I don’t,” Trix replies, chewing on her bottom lip. “It happened about a year ago, around the time her sister got married. I wasn’t there; it was around the same time Dad had his appendix taken out. I didn’t want to leave him, not even long enough to go to Alex’s wedding. I wish I had, though, and then maybe I’d know what in the fuck happened to my best friend.”

“Tell me what you do know.” My eyes drill into her, letting her know I want answers and I want them right fucking now.

She closes her eyes for a second before responding. “I took off a few days to stay with my Dad, so I didn’t get back to the dorm until the middle of the next week. Still, I could see fading bruises on her arms. She claimed she took a tumble down the stairs, but they were finger prints, large ones. Had to be a man’s hands on her.”

I can taste the bile making its way up my throat as her words replay over and over in my brain. My sister’s face pops into my mind, the tears in her eyes when I asked her where the bruises on her arms came from. Her lies, the excuses, all of the shit she tried to do to hide the truth of what that fucker was trying to do to her. The whole story did not come out completely, until I found her broken and bloody in her bed. Suddenly, my sister’s hair is red and her hazel eyes are a deep brown. It’s Addy lying there in a puddle of her own blood.

“Did Addy ever tell you the truth?” I ask, even though I already know she didn’t. “Tell you any damn thing?”

Trix shakes her head, looking down. “I tried to get her to talk to me, but she wouldn’t. If I even mentioned it, she would close up tight.”

My heart jumps painfully as she goes on. “After that, she started getting texts, and she’d freak the fuck out. Then, she’d just disappear for a few hours. She made up stories, told me she was going to the library or to visit her sister. She was lying, though; I know she was.”

“What the fuck are you trying to say?” I mumble, jumping out of my seat. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.”

After what happened to Trina, I figured out that rape was more than a physical thing. For my sister, her bruises didn’t even seem to faze her. Her mind, on the other hand, was completely ravaged, so I get how it can break a woman. I get that she may want to hide it, but I don’t understand about these fucking texts and Addy’s constant disappearances.

“When she’d get back to the dorm, she’d shower for hours. I swear, sometimes she’d rub her skin raw.” She gives my arm a gentle squeeze as she adds, “There’s only one reason I know why a girl tries to rub her skin off, Brew.”

I remember Trina doing the same thing after she was raped. I sat on the floor, outside of the bathroom door, and listed as cried in the shower. When she came out, her skin had been scrubbed so hard that dots of blood covered her skin. The thought of my Addy doing the same thing nearly brings me to my knees.

“Fuck!” I mumble out, standing up and tossing my beer across the room. “What the hell happened to her, Trix?”