Finding Cassie Crazy (6 page)

CHARLIE

THIS IS AN EMPTY ENVELOPE AGAIN.

YOURS SINCERELY

EMILY

PS I HAVE TO PUT IN THE NOTE ABOUT IT BEING AN
EMPTY ENVELOPE SO YOU CAN FEEL THE TRUE MISERY OF THE EMPTINESS. SO THEREFORE IT DOES NOT MAKE IT ANY LESS AN EMPTY ENVELOPE JUST BECAUSE THERE IS A NOTE.

Dear Emily

Actually, I think it does make it less of an empty envelope, but I won't go into technicalities with you. How long are you going to keep up the empty envelopes?

I am leaving school right this moment and I'm skipping my curry chicken pie to go see the cops at Castle Hill, despite what Brian said. I think they have to stop people who play cheap tricks—if we're always going out to the oval on account of gas leaks in schools without gas, that could be the end of education as we know it. And therefore the end of the future. Do you want to know what happens with the cops or do you want me to stop writing?

Charlie

CHARLIE

HERE IS
ANOTHER
EMPTY ENVELOPE. I WILL KEEP IT UP FOR MY WHOLE LIFE IF I NEED TO.

EMILY

PS PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU WENT TO THE POLICE ABOUT THE GAS LEAK. BUT YOU STILL CAN'T EXPECT ANYTHING OTHER THAN MISERY FROM ME.

Dear Emily

I am wondering what I can do to expect anything besides misery from you. It makes me feel depressed the way you keep sending misery to me. Like a kind of extra burden in my heavy life.

I remember one time when I was two years old and my mum left me with my brother Brian—I told you I had a supersonic memory, eh. I guess Brian was about twelve or thirteen at the time and he forgot about me and watched TV all night. Oh man, I was just stuck in Brian's bedroom where he forgot me, too short to open the door and get out, hungry, cold, the noise of my own voice calling ‘LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT' giving me a full-on headache. The smell of Brian's sneakers making me sick to my stomach. I can't even tell you.

That was a bad time. And now this time in my life feels even worse than that.

Eg, I just got my latest Geography assignment back, and, by the way, I worked really hard at that. And I got 23% and the teacher wrote, ‘Wow, Charlie, you outdid yourself!', which I don't think teachers should be, sarcastic and critical like that.

2nd eg: when I went to the cops, nothing happened. Brian was there and he just made me wait for two hours, which meant I missed out on this car show I was going to and, which I now find out, has moved on to Melbourne, so I've missed it forever, unless there's a plane ticket under this paper right now. No there is not, I just checked. And in the end, all Brian did was tell me to stand at the counter and
write down my account of the incident. Which I did and then I gave it to Brian and he wrote something at the end of it, and told me I should sign my name there, and I looked at it, and he'd written ‘NANCY BOY'.

Then he just made it into a twin-engined paper aircraft and flew it into the bin.

And the fact is, I had some pretty good impressions I wrote down on that paper and they could have helped them catch the perp. For an example:

3rd eg of how useless I am: The way that I have got you so mad with me and I don't even really know how I did that. I was just mucking around when I suggested you give your English teacher a blow job back in my original letter of whenever that was. But maybe that was offensive? I don't know.

I'll make a confession to you. I've never had a girlfriend.

Once I asked a girl out, and you've gotta wish you didn't have a supersonic memory when you experience something like that.

It's because of all the brothers, I guess, meaning I don't know about girls. The brothers do teach me about cars. (Brian taught me how to drive when I was nine, Kevin taught me how to hotwire a car and Jack taught me how to siphon petrol out of other people's fuel tanks.) So I'm all set when it comes to cars, but they don't teach me about girls. And I've
only got one sister and she's younger and likes to beat me up, which teaches me nothing apart from shame.

So I've got nobody to learn from, see?

So, maybe, can you forgive me and stop sending me misery all the time?

I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks

Charlie

Dear Charles

If you are feeling depressed, you should eat a Chokito or a Crunchie or a Caramello Koala. Any one of those will make you feel better. I always say that you should eat a chocolate which begins with the letter ‘C' if you are depressed.

Also, if that doesn't help, you should go shopping. And I'll tell you a particular secret: you should go shopping until you need to go to the bathroom, and then you should go to level 5 of the Grace Bros city store. I tell you, those are such gracious bathrooms. You will feel fully calmed. They have a very sun-dewed light so you look attractive in the mirror and they have an unusual basin for washing your hands. They are clean and modern and also very contemporary.

I was sending you misery because you were very offensive to me, telling me I was an old lady and challenging my legal connections etc. I am a sensitive girl, Charlie. But, as you now see, I am also a nice and compassionate person, and I have sympathy for you because I get depressed myself sometimes. So therefore I have decided to stop sending you misery, and give you a break.

This is on condition that you stop talking about me giving my English teacher a blow job as that kind of talk gives me a headache.

Maybe you could tell me about the time you asked out that girl and I could give you suggestions on what you did wrong, so therefore you could avoid doing the same things wrong in the future?

Yours sincerely

Emily

PS It's a funny thing that your brother Brian made a paper aeroplane out of your statement as a way of humiliating you. Right now, my brother William is in the kitchen melting chocolate bars and then putting the melted chocolate into moulds so as to make chocolate shapes. It is one of his favourite things to do. And he is even making one in the shape of an aeroplane, and he will probably give it to me, and that is an example of how much nicer my brother William is than your brother Brian.

PPS Another way of cheering up is to stop thinking about that gas leak trick. JUST PUT IT BEHIND YOU. It has already happened and it's all over, and you have saved humanity or anyway, if there was actually a gas leak, you would have saved humanity. So get over it.

Dear Emily

I've got to say, you hit me for a six again. That was so nice of you to think of ways to cheer me up and I have got faith in humanity again.

On my way to my History class the other day, I thought
maybe the class was planning on giving me a surprise party, or at least a Mexican wave, to thank me for getting them out of doing the exam last week by hitting the fire alarm. I could hear shushing inside the room, like everyone getting ready for something. But when I got there it wasn't to do with me, they were just planning to scare the shit out of the teacher by hiding under the desks and then jumping out and screaming: ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!'

It wasn't our teacher's birthday as far as anyone knew, but he has a weak heart and we were supposed to be doing the postponed exam. So I guess you live in hope.

I'm just waiting in the admin block again at the moment, so I'm using the opportunity to write to you.

‘Brookfield High School. How may I direct your call? No, sir, this is not a waste disposal unit, I'm afraid you have the wrong number.'

That's what the secretary is saying. I've noticed, in my times here in the admin block that a lot of people seem to think Brookfield is a waste disposal unit. It must have a similar phone number.

Well, as I said, I feel a lot better because of your kindness in your letter, and I will do what you suggest and tell you about the time I asked out this girl.

It was last year, and it's a girl in my Science class. She's not even that hot so I thought she would think it was reasonable for me to ask her out. She wears these cute hairclips all over her head, like in the shape of lady beetles and birds and things, and she also wears long white socks.

So, I've gone up to her and I've gone, ‘Hey, how's it hangin'?'

And she's gone, ‘Up yours.'

And I've gone, ‘Woo hoo, up mine, eh? Nice one. Maybe we could go out sometime so I could hear more of that humour of yours, eh? Maybe a movie or something else of your choosing?'

Though I've gotta say, I don't think she was actually intending on being humorous.

And she's gone, ‘Would you get lost before you put me into a coma?'

And I've gone, I've just gone. I mean, I've just got lost, as per her recommendation.

So can you give me any advice on what I did wrong?