Finding Cassie Crazy (9 page)

Charlie

Dear Charlie

I hope you're not fat. All that supporting of fat people.

If a boy is not able to be funny, then the boy should not talk at all. The boy should be completely silent.

Yours sincerely

Emily

Em

Did you know that you can be supportive of people even though you are nothing like them yourself?

Charlie

Dear Charlie

Only Lyd and Cass call me Em. But I suppose it's okay if you want to call me Em, OCCASIONALLY. Just not all the time.

Of course I knew that it was okay to be nice and supportive of people who are not like me. What do you think I am doing for you? I am being nice and supporting you.

Talking about that, I just had this great idea, the greatest idea. It is this. We should
go out together
.

DON'T GET EXCITED. IT WOULD NOT BE REAL.

It would be a TRAINING SESSION to prepare you for this Christina girl. It would be a kind of practice run, of Going on a Date with a Girl, and I could be the Girl. Then I could give you my degradation afterwards and also make suggestions for improvement.

Also, you can pay me for it if you like.

Yours sincerely

Emily

Dear Emily

That is so generous and you continue to strike me as the best thing of humanity. What about this Friday night?

Charlie

PS Do you realise that if I pay you to go on a date that makes you a prostitute?

Dear Charlie

I have noticed something about the names in your family: Brian, Kevin and Jack, and also your name: Charlie.

I think you should change these names.

Lydia went out with this guy once who was called Bruce, and we all decided she had to break up with him because of it, the name, and so therefore she did.

You see? It's a risk.

I think you should change your name, for example to Adam or Ashley or Aaron or anything else beginning with ‘A'. And you should change all your brothers' names, similarly.

Yours sincerely

Emily

PS I have reconsidered and decided that you don't need to pay for the date. It will be free. Okay, I am free this Friday night for your Date with a Girl. It's the last day before the holidays, too, so I would normally go out with Cass and Lyd, so I am making a genuine sacrifice for you.

Emily

Thank you for your great suggestion about changing my name and the names of all my brothers. I can't do anything about my brothers, but from now on my name will begin with an ‘A'.

I'm nervous about the Date that I am having with a Girl this Friday.

Yours sincerely

Aristotle

PS If you go on a date with me for free, then you are a slut.

Charlie

HA HA HA. About the Aristotle, I mean. Not about the ‘slut', which is offensive, and you are using up the times that I will forgive you.

Okay. You can be Charlie. But try not to use your name too much in conversation.

And I don't see why you can't re-name your brothers. Why don't you have any strength of character? It sounds to me a lot like those brothers of yours push you around, and I think you could reinstigate your position in the family if you changed your brothers' names for them. From there, it would be a simple step to stealing this girl called Christina from her boyfriend.

Emily

Dear Emily

Do you think you can give me some advice on what I should wear, on a Date with a Girl? There are only three days to the Date, so I would like to feel fully prepared.

Catch ya

Archibald

Dear Charlie

I recommend that you wear black, including black jeans and a black jacket and black running shoes on your feet and black socks if you can get any out of your sister's worm farm. Also, you could wear a piece of black rope around your neck with a little seashell hanging off it. A girl would like that. ☺

It's the middle of the night right now and I had to get up because I was so hungry. I had to eat some of the letters off the birthday cake that my mother bought for my uncle, and now it says ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY, UNCLE CHRIST'. So I am going to have to eat the ‘T' as well, for obvious reasons.

I was in an earthquake once, you know. It was on a family trip to España. I was excellent in a crisis and I looked up ‘Help!' in the Spanish phrase book for my dad.

Yours sincerely

Emily

PS As I explained before, I have revoked my invitation that you change your name. I have now decided that the name ‘Charlie' is acceptable, and so therefore please stop calling yourself by the ‘A' names. It is not funny, you know. It is just tiresome and sometimes can be confusing.