Finding Cassie Crazy (10 page)

Em

Where do you think I should take a girl on a date? I don't want to get it wrong. Should it be a movie or dinner or something wacky like going to see a circus or taking a walk
along a beach? Can you answer urgently because there are only two days to go.

Aloysius

Charlie

I think it is too cold to go for a walk on a beach for a date and I think girls like movies a lot. I think we should just meet at the Castle Hill movies at 7 pm on Friday.

Can you please just call yourself Charlie now? Okay? I will now admit that I was wrong. OKAY. I WAS COMPLETELY WRONG WITH MY INSPIRATION ABOUT CHANGING YOUR NAME. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

Em

Em

How do we decide what movie to see?

Abraham

Charlie

Well, when we get there you should say: ‘What do you feel like seeing?' And the girl will suggest a movie, and you will laugh and make a little joke about why you don't want to see that movie.

I am sure you can think of a joke for it.

Anyhow, and then the girl will say, ‘Okay, we'll see something else', but then
you will insist that we see what the girl suggested!

Em

Charlie!

I am rushing this note and so therefore you will not be able to read the handwriting, but it's VERY VERY VERY important that you bring chocolate when you go on a date, especially as it is the start of the holidays. I can hardly wait for the holidays as I am very tired.

It doesn't have to be chocolate in the shape of a heart. That would be stupid actually if you did that. ☺

It just has to be a giant-sized Toblerone.

Yours sincerely

Em

Charlie!

Also, you could bring a magazine along, in case the girl gets bored, and then she can read the magazine instead.
Cosmopolitan
or
Vogue
would be sensible.

Em

Em

Okay, see you tonight and I'll be dressed in black, and carrying a Toblerone, as per your instructions.

I won't bring a magazine though.

The girl is not going to get bored.

See you later

Adonis

Dear Sebastian

Huh, the computer just told me that it looks like I'm writing a letter. Spooky. How did it know? It wants to help. It's a little paperclip man and it wants to help.

That is so nice of it. I'll try to talk to it.

YES PLEASE, PAPERCLIP MAN. HELP ME WRITE THIS LETTER. WHAT SHOULD I SAY NEXT?

(It's not saying anything, Seb. It's just smiling at me. Maybe it needs more information? Wait.)

DO YOU NEED MORE INFORMATION?

(It blinked at me.)

WELL, OKAY, HERE IS SOME INFORMATION: THE LETTER IS TO SEBASTIAN. HE'S A GUY AT BROOKFIELD AND HE WANTS ME TO PROVE THAT I'M NOT A SNAKE. ALSO, TO SHOW HIM THAT I'M NOT AFRAID OF MY FATHER. YOU LOOK CONFUSED! I KNOW, SO AM I. HOW IS IT HIS BUSINESS IF I'M AFRAID OF MY FATHER OR NOT?

PARDON?

WELL, HE THINKS I WANT TO BUY DOPE OFF HIM. I KNOW! I KNOW! IT'S NOT HIS FAULT. HE'S JUST A BROOKER KID, AS MY TEACHER WOULD SAY. MAYBE THEY DON'T REALISE WHEN PEOPLE ARE MESSING WITH THEM THERE? WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM?

(Sorry Seb, I'm just talking to my paperclip man here. I don't mean to leave you hanging. Paperclip man said I can get dope easy at Ashbury, so why would I want someone at Brookfield to send it to me? We had a good laugh about you.)

HUH, REALLY?

(Hey, Seb, guess what he said? He said I should not bother writing to you, I should trash my bedroom and chuck this
computer out my window. It seems profoundly excessive, doesn't it? I'll ask if he really means it.)

PAPERCLIP MAN. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT
YOU
WILL DIE IF I THROW OUT THE COMPUTER?!?! YOU ARE PART OF THE COMPUTER!!!

(Well, Seb, looks like he meant it, hang on and I'll start trashing the room . . .)

I got you, eh. I wasn't really trashing my bedroom, I was just getting some grilled cheese and Vegemite on toast and some
Orangensaft
.

That's German for orange juice.

I'm at home from school today, on account of the flu, and I'm writing this on my new computer, which was a birthday present from my parents. Through the window I can see our frosted glass pyramid and there's a family of little elves trying to climb the side of it. They're wearing striped pyjamas and they have tiny suction things on their hands and feet to help them climb the glass, but they keep skidding back down and it's SO CUTE.

OH MY GOD.

Our dog, Pumpernickel, just ate the elves! That is the saddest thing I ever saw.

You're welcome to tell me more of your dreams, especially as they are like nature lessons. That dream of yours about the kookaburra killing the snake by hitting it against a rock? That was excellent, Seb.

Wait a minute, the paperclip man is talking to me again. (He's sitting on my shoulder now, eating a little bowl of strawberries and cream.)

NO, PAPERCLIP MAN! I'M SURE HE WASN'T TRYING
TO
THREATEN
ME WITH THE DREAM ABOUT THE KOOKABURRA! HE WOULDN'T DO THAT! THAT WOULD BE CHILDISH AND STUPID! I'D NEVER WRITE BACK TO HIM!

See you later

Lydia

PS You want me to make sure the alarm goes off at your school after lunch next Tuesday? I've got the perfect person for the job. If you need something, Seb, all you have to do is ask. PPS But you have to do something for me, too. What we'll do is, we'll take turns giving each other challenges and we'll see who's best at it. The winner will be selected to join an elite spy squad. I'll choose the winner.

PPPS I liked your sketch of my dog and the Breakfast Pyramid a lot. You're a great artist.

Dear Lydia

Have you ever been committed?

You are
tres
confusing (don't talk to me in German, okay, I do French and you'll mess with my mind if you put another language in there).

Which bits of your letter are true?

Okay, fine, Lydia, you can be a freak, it's funny. But can you give me a sign when you're about to tell the truth?

I thought it was true that you wanted me to send you that stuff you wanted me to send you and I might've done that, you know, and I could've got in a whole lot of shit. And now it turns out you can get it easy at your school. Who from?

Also, more important, I thought it was a fact that you
only got a book for your birthday. Remember? You told me that story about your dad doing the 360 turn and all? That sucked bad and I felt sorry for you. Now you reckon you got a computer. That sucks too, Lyd, especially if you wanted a football table, but it doesn't suck as bad as a book would.

Just tell me this: that you're serious about the school alarm. Can I trust you on that? Don't screw me over, okay. I need that alarm to go off on Tuesday or I'm dead.

And we can do the challenges for each other, if you mean it about that. I'm up for that.

But you mean it, right?

Seb

Hey Lydia

It's now Tuesday morning. I was hoping for a letter of confirmation from you, but maybe it's kicking its way over as we speak. I'm guessing you're back at school, and not still home with the flu? So I can trust you?

We need this plan straight through the goal posts with the goalie flying in the wrong direction. I want to hear that alarm sounding, Lyd, loud and clear as the Old Trafford crowd in a the match against City. You with me?

Seb

LYDIA

I swear to God, you might think it's funny being deceptive and tricky and stuff but when people rely on you it's what I call deadly serious. It's fine for you looking all pretty there
in your frosted glass but you just don't think about people who might not have frosted glass.

I'm just saying that there are now five minutes to period 5 here and I don't hear any alarm bells. I'm just saying you better forget about writing to me again because you know what? You let me down. You've gotta be able to trust people and I thought maybe you weren't like those other Ashbury
girls because you sounded kind of wacked out. But now I think maybe you're just like them and maybe you're a snake. I don't know, Lyd, I'm not saying you are.

But you're one of them, Lydia, that's for sure.

Don't start crying or anything because it's not like me to be upfront like this unless I'm really mad, but well done, Lydia, you've got me pissed. Maybe you're still sick, but you should have let me know, okay. No offence but you're not a team player, Lyd. You play mean is what you do. You're the kind of player that's always doing hand balls because you don't want to bother hitting the ball with your head on account of it might mess up your hair. That's rich people for you all over. People rely on you Lyd and—

Fuck me with a frying pan.

You did it.

The alarm's going off right now, Lyds baby, and I just heard an announcement made by my good buddy Charlie Taylor telling us about a gas leak. There is no gas in this school but that's a fact that's passed my good buddy Charlie by. Also the people around me who are tearing up to the oval like cattle on heat.

Jesus, Mary, and the other guy, I am in love with you.

You are the most beautiful, gorgeous, unbelievable girl in the country, Lydia, and I am totally in awe of you.

I'm out of here. I'll drop this off at the Ashbury mail box on my way to the oval, being careful of gas explosions. You tell me a time and place where we can meet, okay? I want to take you out to say thank you for this.

You rock

Seb

Dear Lydia

Hey, what happened to you? It's been like a week or something and I haven't heard back. I thought you were planning on sending me a challenge of your own?

Did I not thank you enough? I seem to recall that I told you you were gorgeous and sexy or something like that. That's good enough, isn't it?

Where are you?

I miss your crazy talk. I really want to meet you in person.

Seb

Lydia?