Finding Forgiveness (Finding Series, Book 4) (17 page)

“Libby-”

“Don’t you dare spout some bullshit about doing what you did because of my mother. My mother never would have wanted that for me!”

“Roman, I swear on my life, I loved you.”

At that, Roman released Hunter’s hand and strode forward until his face was practically in his father’s. “You don’t know the first thing about love, old man. I hope you rot in hell.”

His father let out a whimper but Roman just shoved away from the bed and strode out of the room. He ignored whatever parting shot Victoria aimed at him as he rushed past her and he barely noticed Hunter’s fingers closing around his hand. From somewhere behind him he heard the steady, loud signal of a heart monitor and then the corresponding flurry of overhead calls on the PA system. Several nurses and doctors rushed past him towards his father’s room but he didn’t look back.

***

“Have you seen him?” Hunter asked Gray as he put his hand on Gray’s arm in a silent gesture of comfort. Gray was standing in one corner of the large living room, Luke by his side. As solemn as the wake was, Hunter couldn’t help but notice how separate Gray kept himself from his mother as she held court near the long table covered in fancy appetizers.

Gray looked around the room. “No,” he said. “We’ll help you look,” Gray added as he motioned towards the large marble staircase near the entryway to the house.

Hunter had lost track of Roman when he’d gone to the bathroom and he couldn’t help but feel a moment of concern when he’d come out only to find the spot he’d left Roman in empty. He’d expected Victoria to go on the offensive as soon as he and Roman had arrived at the church for the service but the viper in heels had stuck close to Gray and played the role of grieving widow. By the time they’d gone to the cemetery for the burial, Gray had managed to escape his mother and sought out Roman but as with Hunter, Roman did nothing more than shake or nod his head at Gray’s gentle inquiry as to how he was doing.

It had been a challenge even getting Roman to agree to stay in California for the burial and Hunter could only figure Roman was doing it for Gray because his naked hatred for his father hadn’t eased even a little after Gray had confirmed the man was gone. After leaving the hospital, Roman had driven them back to Big Sur but he didn’t speak at all and shot down any and all of Hunter’s attempts to draw him out. The lack of emotion had frightened Hunter but when they’d gone to bed that night, Roman had made love to him and hadn’t held any part of himself back. It had been the same in the days that followed but there’d been no further discussion of his encounter with his father and he hadn’t participated in any of the funeral arrangements.

Hunter followed Luke and Gray up the stairs. If the Hawthorne mansion hadn’t been so cold and empty, Hunter would have thought it beautiful with all its fine furnishings and expensive artwork and decorations. But all he saw as he moved throughout the home that was clearly meant to be a showpiece was a young Roman trying to figure out where he fit in the strange dynamic that was his new family. How many cruel words had Victoria spat at him in this place? How many times had his father walked past him on these very same stairs and said nothing to the son he supposedly loved?

Gray led him down several hallways to a small room where the door was slightly ajar. Gray pushed open the door, looked inside the room and then stepped back and motioned to Hunter. Hunter nodded his thanks and stepped into the room. A glance behind him showed Gray had entered too but was hanging back and Luke was standing just outside the door.

He found Roman standing in front of the single window that overlooked a wooded area behind the house. He looked beautiful in his crisp black suit as he stood with his hands tucked into his pockets. Hunter glanced around the room and couldn’t help but think it looked surprisingly small compared to some of the other bedrooms he’d seen in the place. There was just a single twin sized bed in the middle of the room along with a dresser on the far wall. On top of the dresser were several vases and glass bowls. Boxes were stacked up next to the dresser and the top one was open and Hunter could see more decorative knickknacks resting in it.

Hunter went to Roman’s side and put his hand on his arm.

“You okay?” he asked gently, though he knew the answer.

“It’s small, huh,” Roman asked as he glanced at the room. “It seemed so big to me that first night.”

Hunter had figured as much that the room had been the one Roman had grown up in.

“It used to be the nanny’s quarters I guess,” Roman mused as he looked around the room. “How old were you when they let her go?” Roman asked Gray who still stood near the door.

“Fourteen.”

Roman nodded knowingly and Hunter could see the unspoken thought. Roman hadn’t even been afforded a nanny to care for him.

Roman moved away from the window and went to the dresser to examine the largest of the three vases. “I’m sorry, Gray, I couldn’t do it.”

“Do what?” Gray asked softly.

“Keep my mouth shut. Let him say his piece and get out of there.”

“You had every right to tell him how you felt,” Gray responded.

Roman picked up the heavy vase and cradled it in his hand as if testing the weight. “He said she was everything to him,” Roman whispered. Hunter went to stand by his side but just as he was reaching up to settle his hand on Roman’s back, Roman flung the vase across the room. It went right through the window and before the glass even hit the floor, Roman snatched up another vase and hurled it at the wall next to the window.

“She was everything to him but he wasn’t there watching her die a little every day! He wasn’t the one who begged her to get out of bed, who cooked for her so she wouldn’t waste away, told her stories about all the places she wanted to see!”

One by one, Roman smashed all the bowls and vases sitting on top of the dresser. Hunter didn’t try to stop him, didn’t touch him at all. He just wiped at his own tears as he watched Roman break apart, piece by agonizingly slow piece.

“Did he tell you?” Roman suddenly asked as he turned to face Hunter. “Did Gray tell you how she died?”

“No baby, he didn’t,” Hunter said gently.

Hunter could hear commotion behind him and he was able to pick out Victoria’s shrill voice screaming at someone to call the police. Luke’s low voice followed and if Hunter hadn’t been so focused on Roman, he would have smiled when he heard Luke tell Victoria to shut her fucking mouth or he’d do it for her.

“She took her own life because she didn’t want to live without him,” Roman said bitterly. “I wasn’t enough for her…she needed
him
,” he spat. “I told her I’d never leave her, that I’d take care of her forever…that I’d take her to all the places he promised to take her someday but she just looked at me with this sad smile.”

Roman’s eyes began to fill with tears and Hunter knew in that instant that he hadn’t yet heard the worst of it. “I overheard the cops saying afterwards how most women do it with pills or by cutting their wrists in the bathtub. One of them actually said he was glad she hung herself instead of slicing up her wrists because it was easier to clean up. Then he…then he said he hoped she’d broken her neck when she did it because otherwise it would have been a slow, painful way to go.”

Hunter swallowed hard as he felt nausea sweep through his system. He ached to reach out to Roman but he could see that Roman needed to finish it.

“She didn’t break her neck,” Roman announced as tears began to flow unchecked down his face.

Since Hunter suspected what he was going to say, he whispered, “How do you know?”

“Because I fucking saw it!” he yelled. “I was bringing her some soup and I opened the door and saw her standing on this chair in the middle of the room. I didn’t know what she was doing at first. Then I saw the cord she had wrapped around her neck. I froze…I just fucking froze,” Roman cried. “And then I called her name and she saw me and this look came into her eyes – this empty look – and she told me she was sorry and that she loved me. Then she told me to close my eyes just before she kicked the chair over.”

Roman began to sob as he sank to the floor. Hunter dropped to the floor next to him and pulled Roman against him. Roman’s hot tears scalded his neck as Roman wrapped his arms around his waist. “I couldn’t get the fucking chair back underneath her!”

Hunter couldn’t find any words as Roman continued to cling to him so he just held on as tight as he could as tormented sobs ripped through his lover. Hunter began rocking them back and forth as he dropped his head so he could place kisses against Roman’s brow. He kept whispering “I love you” against Roman’s ear and every time he did, Roman’s fingers bit into his body. Hunter had no idea how much time passed before Roman finally calmed but even as the tears slowed, he didn’t release Roman. At some point he heard the door behind them snick closed but he didn’t look to see if they were alone or if Gray had stayed behind. All he did was hold on to Roman and even after Roman’s grip on him finally started to ease, Hunter refused to let him go.

***

“How much longer?” Roman asked as he tightened his hold on Hunter’s waist.

“An hour I think,” Hunter responded as he played with Roman’s hair.

They were lying on the bed at the back of his jet. Roman didn’t remember everything that happened after his meltdown in his childhood bedroom but he’d pieced together that Gray and Luke had likely helped Hunter get him out of there and arranged for them to fly back home.

“Gray and Luke?”

“Up front.”

That surprised Roman. He would have guessed Gray would have stayed behind to be with his mother. “Not exactly the vacation I promised you, was it?” Roman said tiredly.

“I don’t know,” Hunter said softly. “The beginning…well, I don’t even have any words to describe how perfect and beautiful you made it.”

Roman glanced up and felt a shimmer of pleasure at the sight of color flooding Hunter’s cheeks.

“And the way Gray laid into Victoria at the end there, that was definitely my second favorite part.”

“What did he do?”

“He called her a few choice names, told her to go fuck herself and then announced to everyone that he had to go because his brother needed him. Victoria looked like she was going to have a stroke.”

Roman chuckled. “How’d I get so lucky?” he asked.

Hunter laced their fingers together. “Luck had nothing to do with it, Roman. We found each other because you refused to give up on me. You have your brother back because you were strong enough to give him a second chance. That’s all you.”

Hunter leaned down to kiss him and Roman met him halfway. He guessed there would be a time when he would need to deal with the volcano of emotions that his father’s death had brought back to the surface, including the truth about his mother’s suicide, but for now he had what he needed and that was enough.

Chapter Eleven

Hunter struggled to focus on his computer but the sound of Roman working on his own laptop was driving him crazy. Not because the sound of the clicking mouse was bothering him but because he’d called an embargo on any fooling around until he finished his English Lit paper. It would have made more sense to stay at his dorm to finish but he hadn’t managed to spend more than a handful of hours outside of Roman’s company since they’d returned to Missoula and Roman had announced that he wouldn’t be traveling for work that week. They’d gotten back late Tuesday night and Hunter had managed to make it to his second therapy session the next morning but only because Roman had insisted that he go.

Whatever demons Roman had exorcised in his childhood room seemed to have extinguished themselves because he seemed surprisingly relaxed. His relationship with Gray hadn’t suffered in the least and in fact, it seemed stronger than ever because Roman often spoke with his brother and had driven down to see him several times since they’d gotten back. Luke and Gray had driven up to have dinner with them at a local steakhouse just last night and unlike their previous dinner a couple weeks earlier, Roman was an active participant.

Hunter gave up on trying to concentrate and closed his computer. He turned around from the desk he’d commandeered and draped his arms over the back of the chair as he watched Roman work. When Roman didn’t acknowledge him, Hunter got up and crawled onto the bed until he was straddling Roman’s lower legs. Hunter began massaging Roman’s thighs but since the laptop was still on Roman’s lap, he had very little room to work with.

When he made a move to take the computer away, Roman put up a finger to stop him. “One sec,” he murmured. “I just need one more Color Bomb and I’m golden.”

Hunter grabbed Roman’s laptop and stared at the screen in disbelief. “You’re playing Candy Crush?” he asked. “I thought you were working!”

Roman just laughed and took the laptop from him and put it on the nightstand. He dragged Hunter down for a kiss. “I take it the embargo has been lifted?” Roman breathed against his lips.

“Oh yeah,” Hunter said as he leaned back enough to work on Roman’s jeans. It wasn’t often that he’d seen Roman in anything other than dress slacks but the man was positively yummy in the butter-soft denim that clung to his ass and hugged his thighs.

Hunter had barely gotten the button free when Roman’s phone rang. But he didn’t stop wrestling with Roman’s zipper until Roman said, “It’s Gray.” Hunter hesitated but then figured it could be fun to torment Roman while he tried to keep up a normal conversation with his brother. He started pulling Roman’s zipper down but Roman’s big hand settled over his and Hunter stilled when he saw the seriousness in Roman’s gaze.

“Okay, yeah, give it to him.”

Roman hung up the phone and Hunter automatically tensed when his dark eyes held Hunter’s.

“What? Are he and Luke okay?”

“They’re fine,” Roman said. “It’s Finn.”

“Did something happen to him?” Hunter asked in a panic.

“No, no,” Roman quickly reassured him. “They ran into him in town this afternoon and he asked for your number. They didn’t give it to him but Gray told him he would ask me if it would be okay for Finn to text me.”

Hunter felt his stomach drop out and he climbed off of Roman so he could get up and move around. It had been weeks since he’d spoken to Callan and while he still had every intention of following through with his promise to tell people the truth about what had happened between him and Finn, he’d gotten caught up in trying to get his life on track and then Roman had lost his father.

“I shouldn’t have waited…I should have just told the truth that day after I talked to Callan,” he bit out. His hand automatically went to his pocket and he cursed when he realized what he’d done. He hadn’t had the urge to hurt himself once since the night he’d called Roman when he’d still been in London.

Roman climbed off the bed and grabbed him by the arms. “Hey,” he said gently. “You did what you needed to do. He’ll understand that.”

Hunter didn’t get a chance to respond because Roman’s phone dinged and Hunter actually held his breath as Roman read the text.

“He wants to know if you’ll meet with him this afternoon. He can be here by four.”

“Oh God,” Hunter mumbled as he sat down on the bed. Two hours…two hours to figure out how to say the two words that really wouldn’t change anything for Finn.

“Hunter?” Roman asked.

Hunter nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

He left the details of where the meeting would happen to Roman and got up and went to the bathroom. He kept running cold water over his face and arms in the hopes that the itchy feeling would go away but it just kept growing and growing. He looked up and saw Roman watching him with concern in the reflection of the mirror. As Roman handed him a towel, Hunter turned off the water and dried off.

“Did your therapist give you any tips for how to deal with an episode?” Roman asked.

“Some kind of distraction is my best bet. Exercise, a change of scenery – anything to get myself out of that headspace for a few minutes.”

Roman smiled wolfishly. “I can think of a few things we can try if you’re up for it.”

The attempt at levity worked and Hunter felt himself relax. “I’m not sure that’s what he had in mind when he suggested it.”

Roman’s eyes settled on his mouth and Hunter felt his dick jerk as the humor gave way to something else. “Maybe we can test the theory out and then let him know.”

“Maybe,” Hunter agreed although he was having trouble remembering what they were talking about. Roman’s lips descended on his and what started off as a gentle, searching kiss gave way to a white hot burning need. Hunter had no idea if he was more desperate or Roman was…all he knew was that when Roman told him to face the mirror and put his hands flat on the countertop, he did so without question. Roman stripped off his own shirt first but didn’t reach for Hunter’s clothes next. Instead he disappeared into the main part of the room and then returned a second later with the lube and a condom.

At that point his hands made quick work of Hunter’s jeans but he just shoved them to Hunter’s ankles instead of removing them all together. His own jeans were next but he didn’t take them off either – he just opened them enough to expose his cock and then he was putting the condom on. Something about watching Roman do the absolute minimum needed to bring them together turned Hunter on like nothing else. Even the fact that he suspected Roman would be taking him from behind – something he hadn’t ever done since Hunter had asked him not to during their first night together in the hotel in Big Sur – didn’t worry him like it should. Maybe because he’d be able to see who it was behind him because of the mirror which was why he assumed Roman had placed him there in the first place. Or maybe it was because he trusted Roman completely and it wouldn’t have even occurred to him to confuse the man who loved and revered him with the men who’d brutalized him.

Cool lube was slathered over his hole as Roman stepped behind him and he used his knee to force Hunter’s legs farther apart. The heat radiating from Roman’s body was intense and the contrast between the cool lube and Roman’s hot finger pushing into his body was heady. He watched as Roman’s lips skimmed over his neck as he prepped him and then his mouth was sealing over Hunter’s. The finger left his body but Roman maintained the connection with their mouths as his cock slid between Hunter’s ass. Roman’s entry was rough and unrelenting but somehow it was exactly what Hunter needed. There was no pain whatsoever – just the burning, stretching feeling he loved.

Roman only gave him a couple of shallow thrusts before he began ramming into him, his movements forcing Hunter to brace himself on his hands. Hunter’s shirt was pushed up enough to expose his back but Roman still didn’t remove it. The burning in his ass quickly changed over to a delicious friction that had Hunter moaning with each heavy slap of Roman’s balls against his ass. He loved how the hair on Roman’s thighs brushed against his own legs and the feel of Roman’s wiry hair at his groin scratching over Hunter’s sensitive skin had him crying out in delight. When Roman pressed him flat on the counter, Hunter didn’t protest and he didn’t bother to keep his eyes on the reflection in the mirror because all he wanted to do in that moment was feel. The edge of the counter dug into his abdomen as Roman slammed into him repeatedly but once Roman’s hand closed around his dick, Hunter didn’t even notice. And then came the weight on his back as Roman leaned over him.

“So fucking tight, Hunter,” Roman groaned in his ear. “It’s like you were made just for me…a perfect fit.” Roman’s teeth gently nipped at his ear and then closed over his shoulder. It reminded Hunter of an animal forcing its mate into submission and just that idea alone had Hunter’s orgasm building deep in his balls.

“Harder,” Hunter ordered as he used his hands to force his ass back onto Roman’s length.

“Yes,” Roman snarled and Hunter felt Roman’s big hand fist in his hair to further hold him still. With all his control taken from him, Hunter let go of everything but the sound of Roman’s heavy breaths, the feel of his body covering Hunter’s, protecting it, owning it, the sensation of pleasure radiating up his spine. Roman’s lunges became so heavy that Hunter actually had to stand on his tiptoes. And when Roman’s arm wrapped around his waist to keep him from slamming forward into the counter, Hunter just let his whole lower body go lax so that Roman could fuck him however he wanted, as hard as he wanted and for as long as he wanted.

Nothing about the fucking was gentle or sweet but it was absolutely what Hunter needed and when Roman finally ordered him to come, his body instantly responded and he howled in pleasure as his seed exploded from his body. Roman kept pounding into him long after Hunter came and it wasn’t long before another smaller orgasm hit him. It wasn’t until the tremors eased that Roman finally took his own pleasure but instead of shooting into the condom, Hunter felt Roman withdraw from him. He felt the head of Roman’s dick slapping the spot just above his ass as he jerked himself off and a part of him wished he could watch. But seeing the sweet agony in Roman’s features through the reflection in the mirror proved to be a heart-stopping experience because Hunter was usually too lost in his own pleasure to see what happened when his lover came. It was a sight he wouldn’t soon forget along with the feel of Roman’s hot come hitting his skin and sliding down his ass until it crept between his cheeks. He couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like to have the scorching liquid bathing his insides and he knew that would be his first ask of Roman on the very day his six months were up and he tested clean.

As Roman struggled to catch his breath, he pulled Hunter upright and kissed him. It was only at that point that Roman yanked his shirt off and stroked his hands all over Hunter’s chest.

“You’re the science geek,” Roman murmured against his mouth. “What do you think? Did we prove our hypothesis?”

Hunter chuckled. “I think we did but how about you come to my next session and explain our findings to my therapist?”

Roman laughed and then helped him get the rest of his clothes off before tugging him to the shower.

***

Hunter was glad Roman didn’t release his hand at any point along the short walk from the hotel to the coffee shop at the end of the block because once he saw the familiar old pick-up truck sitting in the quiet parking lot, he nearly turned around to go back to the safety of Roman’s room. To Roman’s credit, he had managed to keep Hunter distracted for most of the two hours but everything had come back in a rush as soon as they’d started getting dressed.

Hunter was strangely glad that Roman didn’t try to trivialize the moment with empty words of comfort. And he was more than glad when Roman had staunchly refused to let him go by himself.

As Roman opened the door to the coffee shop, Hunter took in a deep breath. The smell of coffee beans hit him instantly but he was too tense to enjoy the aroma. It took a minute to search out the small shop for the familiar blond hair he was looking for. When he did finally find it, he saw that its owner had already seen him. Strangely enough, Finn looked as nervous as he felt. But it wasn’t until Hunter’s gaze landed on the man sitting next to Finn that his panic went up another notch. He felt Roman stiffen next to him at the sight of Rhys.

It was a strange stand-off – he and Finn looking nervous and Rhys and Roman looking wary. Hunter finally found the courage to get them both moving forward and as soon as he neared the table, Rhys and Finn stood. But it was Rhys who came around the table and closed the distance between them. Roman instantly stepped in front of Hunter – not enough to block him from Rhys completely but enough that he could ward off any blow that might come.

“Hunter, I’m Rhys Tellar,” Rhys said quietly. “I owe you an apology.”

Jesus, another one. Between Callan and Rhys, Hunter wasn’t ever going to be able to catch up. He began shaking his head almost violently but Rhys said, “Yes, I do.” His eyes shifted to Roman. “I owe you one as well Mr…”

“Call me Roman,” Roman said crisply as he reached out his hand to shake Rhys’. Rhys turned his attention back to Hunter.

“There’s no excuse for my behavior,” Rhys admitted. “When it comes to Finn and Callan, I tend to think with my heart instead of my head.”

Hunter finally managed to find his voice. “You don’t owe me any explanations, Mr. Tellar. I deserved what I got and more.”