Finding Forgiveness (Finding Series, Book 4) (13 page)

“You didn’t-”

“Cancer, Gray. You had fucking cancer and you never came to me for help. Because you weren’t sure I’d give it to you, right?”

Gray dropped his eyes and Roman had his answer. 

“Can we just start over, Roman?” Gray asked. “We don’t have to pretend none of that shit happened but can we wipe the slate clean or something? Can we figure out how to be a family?”

“On one condition,” Roman said seriously.

Gray’s wary response was a quick nod of his head.

“You have to tell me if Nick Archer really was in the trunk of that car.”

Several long seconds passed before his words finally seemed to register for Gray because all of a sudden he let out a choked laugh/sob and then he was striding forward and dragging Roman into his arms.

***

“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

Roman didn’t bother trying to sidestep Gray’s question. A clean slate meant no more lies. “Yes.”

“How does he feel?”

Roman took a sip of his coffee and scanned the front yard of the cabin. “Don’t know,” Roman said softly as he glanced at Gray who was sitting on the porch step next to him. “We’re so different, Gray.” Roman turned his attention back to his cup and quietly said, “I don’t know how to make it work.”

“What’s the problem?” Gray asked gently. Roman knew he’d hesitated too long because Gray said, “His age?”

“That’s part of it,” Roman admitted.

“The self-injuring?”

“No,” Roman said adamantly and he absolutely meant it. “I mean, it hurts like hell knowing that he carries that much pain around inside of him but I can figure out how to deal with it…and he’s getting help for it.”

“Then what is it? Because from what I saw the other night, he’s got it bad for you.”

“I’m the first guy he’s ever been with…first person, actually.”

“And you think whatever he’s feeling might just be because of the newness of it all,” Gray observed.

“How could it not be? That piece of shit father of his controlled every part of his life and he’s just now starting to try and figure out who he is and who he wants to be. What if he figures out at some point that he wants someone his own age or someone with the same interests? My work has me traveling every week and he’s looking at another three years of college at a minimum. How do we make being apart more than we’re together work?”

“It’ll be tough but not impossible.”

Roman laughed and then ran his fingers through his hair in agitation. “A month ago my life was exactly the way I wanted it. I spent two days with him, Gray. Two days and I knew I was fucked – how is that even possible?” He turned to look at his brother. “It hasn’t even been two hours since I said goodbye to him and I feel like I can’t fucking breathe.”

“Fuck, Roman, you couldn’t just ease me into the whole big brother role with something simple, could you?” Gray groused.

The attempt at levity worked and Roman smiled. “No, I guess not.”

“Okay, you want the big brother speech, here it is. Don’t wait even one second longer than you have to tell him how you feel because that next second isn’t guaranteed. Will it hurt like hell if he doesn’t feel the same way? Yeah, it absolutely will. And if that happens…well, you just let me know and I’ll go and kick his ass for you.”

Gray’s accompanying gentle shove had Roman chuckling. Before he could say anything, Ripley jumped up from where she’d been lying at the bottom of the stairs and took off running towards the driveway. A second later, Luke pulled up in his truck. Roman looked over at Gray whose eyes were locked on Luke as he strode toward them.

“Hi,” Luke whispered to Gray before he stole a quick but endearing kiss that spoke volumes.

“Hi,” Gray returned and as they held each other’s gazes for a moment, even in the silence it was like Roman could feel what they were feeling. A month ago he doubted he would have even noticed.

“Hey, Roman,” Luke said as he held out his hand. “Thought you were headed out this morning.”

“I am,” Roman said as he shook Luke’s hand. “Had something I needed to fix first,” he said as he glanced at Gray. “I’ll call you when I land at Heathrow.”

Gray nodded. “Stay safe.”

Roman handed his cup to Gray and then stood. “Oh, and I’ll make sure to keep that little tidbit about Nick Archer to myself.”

Roman caught Gray’s murderous look just before he turned away. “What the hell, Gray? You told him what happens next but when I ask, you tell me I have to wait to find out along with everyone else?” he heard Luke ask.

“Thanks for that!” Gray called out in obvious irritation. Roman laughed and waved a hand over his head.

***

“Catch you later,” Hunter said, forcing a smile to his lips as he bumped fists with his classmate. As nice and funny as the guy was, Hunter had struggled to stay tuned in to the conversation, just like he’d struggled to keep his attention on the professor. Three hours – three hours since Roman had kissed him goodbye and Hunter felt like he was dying inside. How the hell was he going to make it four more days? Yeah, they’d agreed to video chat every night but it wouldn’t be the same as feeling all the words Roman spoke through his touches. And he didn’t even want to think about how hard it would be to have to sleep without Roman’s arms wrapped around him.

Hunter forced himself to take a deep breath as the familiar itch began under his skin. His first appointment with his new therapist wasn’t for four more days and he was starting to regret that he hadn’t said yes when the receptionist asked if his need to see someone was urgent.

The three weeks since he’d been to the CB Bar Ranch had been some of the most stressful of his entire life because he’d gone from having every aspect of his life decided for him to suddenly having no one but himself to rely on. And to his own secret shame, there’d been a couple of times where his freedom seemed to come at too high a price and he’d considered admitting defeat and calling his father. But there’d been high points too. Like when the student advisor had asked him what kind of career he wanted, he hadn’t immediately blurted out the stock answer of politics that had been hammered into his brain for as long as he could remember. He’d just sat there in stupefied silence until the kind-hearted woman began asking him probing questions about what kinds of things he liked. And even when he’d finally settled on an engineering track, she’d made sure he understood that he could change his mind if he wanted to.

After that, he’d thrown himself full force into breaking free of his former life. And while he hadn’t actually told his parents he was done with them, he’d ignored all their calls and had ultimately gotten rid of the phone they were paying for. He’d also moved to a different dorm and worked with the university to make sure his information wasn’t shared with anyone. There was always still the stress of knowing his father could show up on the campus one day but it was something he’d just have to deal with if and when the time came.

But for all the progress he’d made coming to terms with breaking free from his parents, Roman had been the one part of his life he couldn’t find the strength to pursue like he wanted. His mind just couldn’t wrap itself around the possibility that someone like Roman could possibly want to explore a relationship with someone as fucked up as he was. Roman was successful, confident, driven, focused – he needed someone who could complement those qualities, someone who could challenge him…not someone who was struggling to accept who he was and what he’d done. So he’d written those texts as a way to stay connected to Roman, even if it was only one-sided. He’d told himself over and over to delete them…to delete Roman’s number entirely - but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to do it.

And then by some miracle Roman had been there.

Hunter’s plan to go to the lake had been last minute but he’d decided he needed a chance to say goodbye…to Pops, to Roman. But it had turned out to be too painful and he’d been about to pack up his things when he’d seen the flash of light coming from the trail. And in the seconds it had taken for Roman to reach him, to feel his lips covering his own, Hunter had known that what he felt for Roman wasn’t going to go away…it wasn’t going to be ignored. And if Roman’s words and actions were anything to go by, hopefully those feelings weren’t one-sided.

Grabbing his phone from his pocket, Hunter glanced up to make sure no one was in his immediate path and then began typing out a text to Roman.

Miss you.

He was in the process of putting the phone away when it vibrated in his hand. When he saw Roman’s name, he automatically smiled but as he read the text he couldn’t help but frown in confusion.

Miss you too. Look up.

Hunter was about to start typing another message when a new text popped up.

Look up.

Exasperated, Hunter finally looked up and then stopped in his tracks when he saw Roman standing near the stairs that led up to his dorm. Not caring who was watching, Hunter hurried across the space separating them and threw his arms around Roman without hesitation.

“What are you doing here? Did you miss your flight?”

Roman gently pushed him back and said, “I can’t really miss my flight since it’s my plane.”

Under any other circumstances, Hunter would have remarked on that interesting tidbit that Roman had failed to mention but something in the way Roman was holding himself had Hunter going on immediate alert. “What? What is it? Are you okay? Did something happen?”

“I’m fine,” Roman quickly said though he actually stepped back when Hunter tried to touch him. “Who’s the guy?”

“What?” Hunter asked in confusion. “What guy?”

“The guy back there,” Roman said, motioning to the corner behind him where he’d said his goodbyes to his classmate.

“Oh, um, just this guy I met in my physics class. I’m a couple weeks behind everyone else since I transferred into the class and he was offering to help me get caught up.”

Roman nodded slightly but didn’t say anything and Hunter’s fear went up another notch. Why wouldn’t Roman touch him? Look at him the way he always did…like he was exactly where he wanted to be?

“Roman, what’s going on?”

Roman’s eyes dropped to the cement sidewalk and his hands disappeared into the pockets of his long coat. “Can we talk in your room?”

Hunter managed a nod but nothing else because it felt like he’d swallowed a beach ball. This was it…this was the moment he’d been secretly fearing since he’d woken up in Roman’s arms after making love to him by the lake. Roman had finally come to his senses.

By the time they reached his dorm room, Hunter was already mentally trying to figure out where his nearest lighter was because he could already feel the black swirl of pain churning deep in his body and spiraling out to his limbs. He tried shaking the sensation away by subtly clenching and unclenching his fists but it wasn’t working.

“Where’s your roommate?” Roman asked as he closed the door.

Right, because Roman wouldn’t want an audience for what he was about to do. “Um, he’s gone for the week…some kind of family vacation I think,” he answered dully.

“Hunter…”

“Roman, I need you to do this quick, okay?” Hunter interrupted. “Just say what you need to say and then go.”

Roman was still near the door so Hunter forced himself to look up. Roman was fidgeting like crazy and as heartbroken as Hunter was, he couldn’t stand to see Roman struggling so he said, “It’s okay, Roman. I get it. I mean, it was just a few days, right?”

“What?”

“You felt a responsibility for me after that night in the club and when you didn’t hear from me, you felt obligated to make sure I was okay…”

Hunter ignored the way Roman stilled and his jaw hardened.

“You want a clean break-”

Roman was striding towards him before he could even finish his sentence and when Roman’s forward motion continued, Hunter had no choice but to back up until he hit the wall just beyond the kitchen cabinets.

“You need to stop talking right now,” Roman growled. “Because I didn’t just spend the last hour and a half trying to figure out how to tell you I love you only to have you ruin it with some bullshit about responsibility and obligation.”

What?

Hunter opened his mouth to ask that very question when Roman pinned him with a hard stare and he snapped it shut again.

“What you saw downstairs and here just now was me trying to find the courage to tell you how completely in love with you I am. And yeah, I know it’s too fast and I know you’re probably better off with some guy like that twat down there who couldn’t keep his eyes off your ass-”

Hunter was about to interject but Roman cut him off with a hard kiss.

“He was totally checking out your ass,” Roman said. “Little bastard is lucky I didn’t rip-”

This time it was Hunter’s turn to yank Roman down for a kiss but where Roman’s was brief, Hunter made sure his wasn’t and by the time he released Roman, all of Roman’s insecurity seemed to have returned because he couldn’t hide the tremor in his voice as he said, “I don’t need you to say it back but I need you to know I’ve never said those words to another living soul before and no matter what happens between us, you’re it for me.”