Finding Forgiveness (Finding Series, Book 4) (7 page)

“It’s called self-harming,” Luke said. “They taught us about it in the army so we’d be able to recognize the signs in other soldiers.”

“Is it related to PTSD?” Gray asked.

“It can be. It’s a coping mechanism,” Luke explained. “I met a guy in basic training who used to do it when he was a teenager. His parents thought he just doing it to get attention and his shrink was convinced he was just doing it for the rush.”

“The rush?” Roman asked.

“Yeah, I guess for some people, the act actually causes them to feel pleasure but for most it’s about finding relief or feeling in control.”

“I’m scared to death he’s going to do it again,” Roman whispered. “Or worse…”

Roman’s thoughts were interrupted by Ripley’s excited barking. Gray looked around the kitchen. “She must be by the back door,” he murmured as he stood to check on her.

But Roman was already up and hurrying to the guest bedroom. Panic went through him when he saw the empty bed and he quickly ducked into the bathroom to make sure it was empty. It was so he left the room.

“Mud room’s back there,” Gray said from just behind him.

Roman followed the sound of the barking dog. There was a small room at the end of the hallway with a door leading out the back of the cabin. When he didn’t see Hunter anywhere, fear curdled in his gut.

“Ripley will find him,” Gray said as he pushed the door open. “Go,” he nodded to Roman.

Roman trotted after the dog. Although he quickly lost sight of her, she kept up her excited barking and it took him just minutes to catch up to Hunter who was striding through a heavily wooded area.

“Hunter,” he called as he got closer but Hunter ignored him. It wasn’t until he actually grabbed Hunter’s arm that the young man rounded on him and hit Roman in the chest with his closed fists.

“Why couldn’t you just leave it alone?” he shouted.

Roman caught Hunter’s wrists before he could strike out at him again but then released them just as quickly. The move seemed to catch Hunter off guard.

“Do it,” Roman said.

When Hunter didn’t respond, Roman grabbed his hands and forced them into fists. “Fucking do it!” he shouted as he put Hunter’s fisted hands against his chest.

Hunter pushed away from him and kept walking.

“You lied to me,” Roman said softly. Hunter stopped but didn’t turn so Roman closed the distance between them and then stepped around Hunter so that they were once again facing each other. “About the men in the club,” he added.

“I told you why I let them…”

“Yes, but that wasn’t the only reason, was it?” When Hunter didn’t answer him, he continued. “When will it be enough, Hunter? How much pain do you need to feel before you start forgiving yourself?”

Hunter laughed harshly. “Forgive myself? Didn’t you hear what they said in there?”

Roman had already figured that Hunter had likely overheard his conversation with Gray and Luke.

“What I heard was a story about a kid who made one really bad decision…a decision with terrible consequences. But this isn’t the fucking answer!” Roman said as he carefully grabbed a hold of Hunter’s injured arm. “Letting men brutalize you won’t undo that night, Hunter! Hurting yourself won’t give that young man the last eighteen months of his life back!”

“You think I don’t know that? You think I haven’t tried a thousand times to find the courage to tell Finn how sorry I am? How I wish I could take it all back? You think I don’t wish I was strong enough even now to admit to my fag hating dad that I was the one who kissed Finn first?”

Hunter suddenly slammed his fist into the nearest tree. Roman managed to grab him before he did it again.

“Tell me what words to use to explain to Finn why I did what I did? Because I sure as shit don’t know what they are. How do I ask him to forgive me for taking his only family away from him just so I could keep my fucked up one? How do I tell him I’m sorry he got beat up by his dad just so that I wouldn’t get beat up by mine?” Hunter was nearly screaming now.

“So yeah, when I saw those guys in the club, I knew they’d mess me up and a part of me welcomed it! That’s why I didn’t say no. That’s why I didn’t fight when they held me down. Why I didn’t cry when they kept telling me I deserved it. You can’t deny something that’s true, can you?”

Some of the ire seemed to go out of Hunter because he dropped his eyes and then shook his head slowly. “I’m letting you off the hook here, okay, Roman? I’m fine – everything’s fine. You don’t need to save me again. Go home, forget you ever met me.”

“That simple, huh?” Roman said as anger coursed through him.

“What do you want from me, Roman?” Hunter finally asked, his anger and frustration draining away.

“I want the real you back…the you I saw this morning when you were lying in my arms. The you I saw when you came running to my rescue before you realized it was Lucy who had me cornered. The you who couldn’t stop laughing his ass off at me afterwards.” Roman moved forward as he spoke and was thrilled when Hunter took matching step backwards because within a couple of seconds he backed into a tree and Roman moved into position before Hunter could escape.

“I want the you whose only thought this morning when I had you pressed up against that tree was whether or not I wanted you to kiss me.” Hunter squirmed against him and the move set off fireworks in Roman’s abdomen. He leaned down so that his lips hovered just above Hunter’s. “The answer to that question is yes…it will always be yes.”

The last syllable hadn’t even cleared his lips when Hunter reached up and seized his mouth.

***

Hunter didn’t give a shit what Roman’s motivation was for the stunning words he’d said and he didn’t care if Roman had meant them or not. All he cared about was Roman’s hungry mouth moving over his, searching, plundering, owning. Unlike their kiss in the hotel, Roman showed him no mercy this time around. His control over Hunter’s mouth and body were absolute and Hunter could only hang on for the ride. Roman’s hands sought out his and then dragged them up and over his head. He used one hand to hold both his wrists in place as his other hand skimmed up and down Hunter’s side. The tree scratched against his back as he writhed in Roman’s hold in an effort to get closer but Roman’s grip on him was unyielding and nothing he did offered any kind of relief as Roman kissed him hard and deep. Fingers bit into his waist to keep his hips from seeking out Roman’s but before he could protest, Roman pressed hard against him and Hunter cried out at the feel of their shafts brushing against each other.

Roman’s lips nipped and sucked at his jaw and throat as his hand slipped behind Hunter to palm his ass. Heat shot out to all his limbs as Roman began grinding against him just as his thick, rough fingers drifted under the waistband of his jeans to graze over his heated flesh. It wasn’t until a second hand reached down to rub over his aching cock that Hunter realized his hands were free. He quickly dropped them down to wrap around Roman’s neck and fisted one hand in Roman’s hair so that he could force him back up for another bone melting kiss.

The hand that had been palming his ass disappeared and Hunter gasped when he felt his jeans being loosened, then opened. His underwear was brushed aside just as quickly and Roman swallowed Hunter’s cry of pleasure as Roman’s fist closed around Hunter’s cock. He knew it was too much too fast but there was no stopping the tingling that started at the base of his spine. Roman gave him just a couple of tugs before he pulled back from Hunter entirely. Hunter wanted to cry out at the loss but the sight of Roman releasing his dick from his pants had him snapping his mouth shut. He had no idea if Roman was expecting him to jerk him off or take him into his mouth but he didn’t have to wonder for long because Roman pressed forward again so that their leaking cocks brushed against one another and then he was taking them both in his big hand.

The sensation was almost too much to bear but Hunter couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sight of Roman’s hand working their shafts over at the same time. The contrast of Roman’s rough hand and the soft skin of his cock brushing against Hunter’s aching flesh was so powerful that Hunter began shoving his hips forward in an effort to increase the sensation. Roman’s response was to press him back against the tree and seize his mouth as he began fisting their dicks in earnest. The orgasm wrenched through Hunter with such force that he had to tear his lips from Roman’s so that he wouldn’t inadvertently bite into the tender flesh. His body jerked uncontrollably as jet after jet of come spurted from his body.

Roman’s face was plastered against his neck and his roar of satisfaction ripped through Hunter causing more come to spill from his body. He managed to look down just as Roman’s seed shot from his reddened cock and the sensation of the hot come dripping over the head of his own cock left Hunter shaking. Lips closed over his as a hot, greedy tongue surged into his mouth. The hold on his dick eased and then disappeared entirely but before Hunter could register the loss, he felt Roman’s fingers plunging into his mouth. The taste of his and Roman’s come should have freaked him out but the dark, hungry look in Roman’s gaze as he fed Hunter the evidence of their release had him sucking down every last drop he could find. And then Roman’s mouth was on his again and Hunter gave up on all rational thought and threw himself into returning the kiss.

***

“I can’t be gay.”

Roman wasn’t sure if the fact that Hunter used the word “can’t’ instead of “not” was a good thing. He supposed he should just be glad Hunter was even speaking at all. After what had happened in the woods behind Gray and Luke’s cabin, Hunter hadn’t said a single thing. He hadn’t fought Roman when Roman took his hand and led him back to the cabin and when he’d introduced Hunter to Gray and Luke, Hunter had merely nodded his head. But only after he’d removed his hand from Roman’s. They’d both passed on Gray’s offer of dinner and had gone to the guest bedroom to try and get some sleep even though it wasn’t even eight o’clock at night yet. Hunter had managed a call to his father saying he was staying with a friend again but if he’d been accepting the night before, he wasn’t tonight and Roman had clearly heard him yelling at Hunter to get his ass home. At that point, Roman had picked up his own phone and dialed Malcom Greene’s number. Malcom had put his son on hold instantly and answered on the first ring and as Roman watched Hunter hang up his phone and crawl under the covers fully dressed, Roman had distracted Malcom with discussion about the next steps concerning the property. Once he’d hung up, he waited to see if Hunter’s phone would ring again but it remained blessedly silent.

Roman had stripped down to his underwear and climbed into bed with Hunter but didn’t reach for him. While he had no idea if Hunter was regretting the encounter by the tree, Roman was wrestling with the impact of it. The whole thing had been quick and dirty and barely counted as sex but it had been fucking perfect and Roman couldn’t remember ever coming as hard as he had in that moment when Hunter’s hot come had slid over his hand. There were so many things about his relationship with Hunter that should have had him running for the hills – their 12-year age difference, Hunter’s virginity which he considered just that since he refused to call what those bikers had done to him a sexual act, Hunter’s need to punish himself for a past he didn’t know how to escape and now this…the young man who’d just blown everything he’d ever known about sex out of the water didn’t want to be gay.

Roman didn’t respond to Hunter so he was surprised a couple of minutes later when Hunter whispered, “Is it always like that?”

A small huff left Roman’s throat. “No,” he said. “It’s never fucking like that.”

He felt Hunter shift slightly so he turned his head and saw Hunter was looking at him. Since he hadn’t yet turned off the light on the nightstand, Roman could see the confusion on Hunter’s face. “It’s never been like that for me,” he said firmly and he saw a flush of color settle over Hunter’s face as he realized what Roman was saying. Roman couldn’t stop from reaching across the bed and running his fingers through Hunter’s hair. Hunter closed his eyes at the contact but instead of turning away again like Roman expected him to, Hunter rolled towards him and settled against his side, his head cushioned by Roman’s arm. Roman’s whole body relaxed as if it had been waiting for that exact moment.

“How old were you when you knew?” Hunter asked as his fingers stroked over Roman’s skin.

Roman ignored his twitching dick and said, “Twelve.”

“Were you scared?”

“No, just confused because I liked girls too.”

That got Hunter’s attention and he levered up on one elbow so he could look Roman in the face. “You’re bi?”

“I never really put a label on it but I guess you could say that. I dated one woman exclusively in college for a few months and I’ve been with a handful of others but I find myself more strongly attracted to men for the most part.”

“So you could be normal if you wanted to,” Hunter said, the shock clear in his voice.

Roman knew Hunter hadn’t meant any offense by the statement so he said, “I’m not a big believer in the argument that someone’s sexuality is a choice.”

Hunter was silent for a moment and then sat up. Roman pushed himself upright enough so he could lean back against the headboard. The confusion on Hunter’s face was heartbreaking.

“Hunter,” Roman said softly as he leaned forward to put his hand on Hunter’s uninjured cheek. “I know people have probably been telling you your whole life that two men being together is wrong, that it’s a sin and it goes against nature…I suspect a lot of people have been telling you a lot about how you should live your life, haven’t they?”