Finding June (37 page)

The snow, in true Idaho fashion, wasn’t just gliding down but falling in heavy blankets. It was New Year’s Day and I was packing short sleeve shirts and shorts in my suitcase as I watched the snow dump through the window. Reece’s backyard was turning into a winter wonderland. The large tree was now bare of leaves, only the spinally limbs jutting out in the grey backdrop, snow weighing down the limbs. I was actually pretty ecstatic I got to see a true Idaho snowstorm before I left. I double checked my list, making sure everything was packed and ready to go. Reece was sitting on the bed, not letting me out of his sight much since I was leaving tomorrow. I didn’t blame him, we had been inseparable lately.

When I came back to Boise in September, I would have never guessed in a million years I would be standing here, packing to leave for six months and in love with a wonderful man. For once in my life, things were working in my favor. I felt in control, for the most part, about my life and my bare walls were slowly being filled with new memories.

Zipping up the suitcase, I set it next to the door with the rest of the stuff I needed to take. I crawled into the large bed and snuggled with Reece, not wanting to end this moment.

“What’s going through your head, pretty girl?”

I was resting on Reece’s chest and could feel the steady beat of his heart, a constant beat I matched with my own, connected and strong.

“I’m really doing this, aren’t I?” In many ways, it was still very surreal, leaving for six months, but I felt calm about it.

“Yeah, you are. Still feeling nervous?”

“I’m nervous about leaving the country and excited for whatever’s going to happen, but right now, being with you? I feel confident about it all. I can do this.”

Reece ran his hands on my back, long movements up and down the length of my spine. “I never doubted you could.”

“It hasn’t really set in this is our last night together until summer. But, I’ll email you every day, maybe even Skype once in a while.”

Reece kissed on my forehead, blowing softly over the kiss he had just placed. The action was so personal to Reece and always made me feel cherished. “You know I’ll miss you terribly and I do hope I get to talk to you, but focus on yourself for this trip. I would love nothing more to hear from you every day, but I want you to embrace everything this trip has to offer. I’ll still be here when you get home.”

“I love you.” Three words didn’t seem enough to tell him how much he had changed my life, or gave me the courage and strength to change my life for myself, no one else. His words always had such an impact on me, but he was the talented one at weaving words into masterful thoughts, and in this moment I was going to let my actions speak the words I didn’t know how to say. I lifted my head from his chest, connecting our lips and kissing him with all the love I had. I lifted his shirt off and took mine with it. Our mouths were in a slow dance, relishing in the soft touches and lingering feeling of our lips meeting, the quiet passion consuming us. I slipped out of my pants as I reached for Reece’s, taking his off, leaving us both naked, both in body and soul.

His hands ran up my now bare back, pulling me closer then moving them to my hips, gripping them as he flipped me over and using his mouth on my neck. I gasped as his mouth moved down to my collarbone, the tension building and sliding through my body, only to rest at my warm center, pulsing and ready. As Reece took my breast in his mouth, swirling his tongue around me, he took his hard length and slipped inside me. The feeling of us joining together was more than I was expecting. It was more than just physical, but rather a deeper joining of two people wandering in this crazy life and finally finding home. Together as our pace intensified and our movements quickened, we found each other all over again. Our lovemaking came to a point where we were lost in each other, soon hitting that moment where it was only heightened feelings of love, tumbling into each other as passions swept through us, leaving us breathless.

Afterwards, with our legs still intertwined, we slowly fell asleep with the city glow under the grey clouds lighting up the darkened room. As the day turned into the next, I knew this was the day that marked a new chapter in my story, ready and willing to be filled.

The last of my things were packed in my car and I stood outside in the fresh snow, taking in the winter air. When my time in South America was done, these trees would have bright green leaves on it, I would miss the winter and most of the spring. I would miss the awakening of the city as new growth graced the trees. But I was hoping to experience new growth as well; down in a country I knew little about with a language I was only somewhat fluent in and helping people in ways that changed their lives. That was all. No big deal. I reached up to the necklace I hadn’t taken off since Reece gave it to me. I felt Reece put his hand on the small of my back. He leaned in whispered in my ear, “You ready?”

Was I ready?

Was I ready when Owen turned my world upside down?

Was I ready when I met Reece and he turned my world right side up? Who was ever really ready to deal with what life has to throw at you? You tell yourself you are a strong person, you have your life planned out and you think you are invincible. Until you’re not. Until shit goes wrong and the plan is totally fucked. You have to scrap the old plan and make a new one and you aren’t so sure about the new plan because it isn’t as shiny as the old plan, it isn’t as comforting or as safe. The new plan is scary as fuck, but has shiny moments. Perfect moments in the chaos as you try to figure shit out. And this time around, you know you’re strong enough to deal with it all. You know you were strong enough the whole time, but only had to see things a little differently, revise your story until it was the best fit for you.

So.

Was I ready?

Sure. Why the fuck not.

I turned myself around and wound my arms around Reece’s neck. I leaned up on my tiptoes, much like the first time I had kissed him. We had passion in our kisses, lust and love mixing together, knowing our time together was growing shorter, but this kiss was full of confidence. Confidence for what? I wasn’t too sure, really, but for whatever was ahead for us.

So this was it. I had checked in my bag, I had all the paperwork, passport, my iPod—the essentials. Daniel was here with Reece to see me off. Reece was staying with my brother and flying out the next day. I would be flying home directly to Boise in May and Daniel was driving my car back. I had hugged Daniel and he left, giving me Reece and I some time to say good-bye.

I watched Daniel walk away, as Reece held me in his arms. I turned my gaze to Reece, knowing I had to let go eventually. We kissed in the airport as people swarmed around us, oblivious to our surroundings. I reluctantly pulled away.

This time I didn’t cry, which was different for me because ever since Reece came into my life I usually was in tears. I cried because bad shit went down or because he warmed my heart and made me feel extreme joy. I don’t know why I was standing here about to say goodbye for a chunk of time and not crying. I felt safe and confidence in whatever Reece and I had, the love we shared and I knew it was strong enough for this adventure. Or at least I was putting all of my faith in this notion.

“See you soon,” I told Reece.

“Soon,” he promised me.

I let go and walked away.

“Wait.” Reece grabbed my hand and pulled me once more. This time he kissed me on the forehead, and then I felt his cool minty breath blowing softly over the kiss. “Want to make sure it doesn’t go anywhere. It has to last for a while.” I kissed him again, mashing my lips against his, savoring his touch. He was right, it would have to last. As I pulled away, I knew it wasn’t forever, but only for a short while. I blew him a kiss and turned, walking toward the security.

I made it through security and was sitting in those weird leather/plastic chairs waiting to board my plane. If this was a movie, I would have made a drastic decision in my mind to leap from my chair and rush back down to Reece, who was now about to walk to the car. I would run and scream his name, grab his arm, and throw myself in his arms. I wouldn’t leave and we would live happily ever after. I pictured it as an early nineties romance movie. Meg Ryan running through the airport, and … well … Reece was pretty damn hot; I don’t know who would be hot enough to play Reece. Okay, so Meg Ryan and Reece, portrayed as himself. It would be magical and there would be fireworks or some shit.

But that wasn’t my reality. I was bouncing my leg up and down. I needed to calm down. I pulled out the iPod and looked through the playlists. I looked at the one that said,
When you miss me.
It had been about, what, twenty minutes? Yep, that playlist worked. “Bone of a Song” by Josh Ritter came on. My mind went back to the day I got the tattoo,
Lucky are you who finds me in the wilderness.
Reece had found me time and time again and now I was about to embark on a journey of my own.

The speaker went on and my section was called.

I stood.

I could be Meg Ryan and walk away.

The thought went through my mind and I almost did it.

But when I moved my feet, it was toward the gate, toward the plane, toward finding myself.

August

The sun shining in the city made for a sweltering day. As I waited outside, I was reminded of the heat of South America. My time there had been amazing. My eyes were opened to a different part of the world and I was amazed every day by the strength of human kind. Helping people open their own business and watch these families become self-sustainable was one of the greatest experiences in my life. It was hard to be away, not only from Reece but from the comfort of home as well. However, it gave me time to really do some soul searching. I had taken the journal Reece had given me and quickly filled it, even having to buy more. Getting my thoughts on paper became almost vital. Not only did I put my thoughts down, I couldn’t stop my mind from creating my own future. The empty building that I had passed in downtown Boise wouldn’t leave my mind. If people in a foreign country with barely anything to their name could start anew, create a way to live a life, then I shouldn’t have let fear stop me from creating my own. I started to create, by hand, a business plan and sketches for the building. I knew that empty space was meant to be filled and I wanted to be the one that created life in its bare shell.