Finding Justus (18 page)

“I had planned on trying to get to Arizona to look up some of my dad’s relatives. I had to see if after all of those years they would still be bitter toward me, or if they would see how much I looked like my dad and finally accept me as his child.

“Well, I was in for quite a shock when I got to the bus station and found I only had enough cash to get a ticket to St. Louis. So, I went and thought I could live there for a while, work and save up enough money until I could get to Arizona. But the longer I stayed the more doubts I had about my dad’s family. I didn’t think they would accept a half Mexican girl who had been raised white and knew nothing about my culture, or even the language. I now realize that it isn’t my fault I know nothing about my culture, but it still bothers me the same.

“That’s part of why I am telling you this. You’ve made me so nervous from the beginning Miguel, because you know Spanish and I don’t. You can dance the salsa and the meringue and until I came on this ship, I never had. Not being connected to my culture never bothered me as much until I met you, because I never really knew it. How could I miss something that I had never had?

“In St. Louis I never dated anyone who spoke Spanish. I never went to a club were they played Latin music. What bothers me most now is that I’ve had this small glimpse into the Latino culture, and I love it. I feel so at home, but I know when I go back to St. Louis I’m going to lose all that, and there is really not a damn thing I can do about it.”

She turned to him for the first time since she had started her story. Her eyes were large, and glassy with tears. Miguel grabbed her and wrapped his arms around her. He stroked her back and kissed her neck.

“
Mi amor
, shh.
Mi amor,
it’s okay.”

He held her as though he wanted to take away all of her pain, frustration and suffering. Miguel held her and waited for the small, hiccupping sobs to subside. When she had composed herself, she stepped back out of Miguel’s arms somewhat and looked him in the eyes.

She saw nothing but compassion, understanding, and kindness. It made her feel at ease, but for a second she was worried that he would think her strange or pathetic for telling him her family troubles. It really had nothing to do with him, and she had no real reason for telling him, but somehow the fact that she had gotten it off her chest made her feel better. It was no longer some awful deep, dark secret that she was hiding, and was ashamed of.

Up until now, the only other people who knew about her past were Krystal and her aunt. Even that had taken Justus a long time to admit, and Krystal more or less beat it out of her after their second Christmas as friends had passed. At that point Justus knew her too well to lie about why she wasn’t going to Ohio, and why no family was coming to visit her.

As Justus continued to look into Miguel’s eyes, she realized something miraculous had passed between them. She trusted him. The connection she had made with Miguel, the closeness she felt, the trust that he had somehow earned in the short period of time that they knew each other was amazing.

“Come on, let’s walk,” she said simply.

They strolled for a while around the top of the ship just enjoying each other, the night, the darkness and the silence. When they walked back inside the ship they were immediately surrounded by the rich sounds of lively music. They walked to the railing and looked down to see a live band playing in the center bar on the ship’s main floor.

They agreed that they would go downstairs and hang around the bar and listen to the music for a while before going back to Miguel’s cabin. People were coming to hear the band in droves, which wasn’t surprising since they were excellent. Shortly after Miguel and Justus arrived on the scene the band switched styles from salsa to an earthier, sensual song and a petite, raven-haired woman stepped forward to sing.

Justus and Miguel wasted no time and quickly joined the others dancing. The sultry sounds of the Spanish guitar, and the singer’s smoky contralto voice, along with the darkened area where the band was playing, only heightened the sensual mood between them. They danced, but said nothing. The dance, which was one Justus had never done before was a slow sultry number, a cross between flamenco and the tango. It wasn’t apparent to the average bystander that Justus was a beginner at this dance.

Her body was moving fluidly with Miguel’s to a rhythm and flow to which it alone seemed to know. Indeed, it felt as if she had been born for this dance, this moment with Miguel. Neither spoke to each other, they simply danced, their eyes locked onto one another in a smoldering embrace.

When the song ended, they continued right into the next song, a slower one, but equally sultry. They danced in a similar fashion, but with more showmanship. Miguel seemed to be pouring his very heart and soul into their routine. He was spinning, twirling, and dipping Justus with a passion that he had never shown before.

They continued to move
with feverish passion to each song until they were dripping with sweat, panting for breath and their clothes were clinging to them damply. They finally stopped to replenish themselves with drinks. Miguel had the bartender make Justus a mojito, which he explained to her was a popular drink in Miami. After one sip, she understood why. She liked the contrast of the cool mint leaves, tart lime and smooth rum. She drank it quickly and asked him for another.

She sipped her second mojito more slowly. She could see that it wouldn’t be hard to get dru
nk off of the delicious concoction. After their invigorating dances and the emotional purging that she had experienced while reliving her past, she felt worn out. She asked Miguel if he minded leaving. They left together and walked in companionable silence to Miguel’s cabin.

***

Justus awoke with a sudden start, and a heavy, pressing in her heart. She looked to her left and didn’t find Miguel there. However, she heard water running in the bathroom sink, and quickly laid her head back on the pillow. She closed her eyes and faked sleep, not sure she wanted to see him yet. She had things to sort through first, like the fact that this was it, their last morning together.

Images from last night spun around in her head, the dancing, their conversation, their lovemaking. It was all displayed in her mind’s eye like beautiful facets in a kaleidoscope. She risked being caught awake long enough to open one eye and peek at the clock beside the bed, five o’clock. She knew that they would be parting soon. She had to go back to her cabin to secure all her baggage. Her breath seemed to get caught in her throat at the thought, she would miss Miguel. She heard the bathroom door open, and she made sure she lay perfectly still.

Justus felt Miguel slowly climb back into bed. He reached out and very lightly stroked Justus on her face. Her face twitched only momentarily, his hands moved on to slide her silky hair through his fingers.  Justus’ eyes fluttered open.

“Good morning,” he said leaning over to kiss her.

She smiled at him in greeting, though it never quite reached her eyes. She looked at him dumbfounded, not knowing what to say. Somehow ‘good morning’ didn’t seem like the right thing to say when in only three hours she would be saying goodbye.

“Do you want to go get dressed and pack your things and then maybe we can have breakfast together, if there’s time.”

She sighe
d to herself and nodded.  She got up and began the search for her clothes. As she was pulling her bra on, Miguel came up behind her to kiss her neck. It was such a sweet and loving gesture that Justus bit her lip to hold in the tears. How was she ever going to say goodbye to this man?

That one question kept rolling itself around inside her head all morning as she showered, dressed and packed. What would she do if she should start crying in front of Miguel? She couldn’t, wouldn’t, let herself cry, she had to be strong, even in front of Krystal. She wouldn’t let herself cry until she was safely at home in her own apartment.

She let herself out of his cabin and made her way back to her room. She slid the door open as quietly as possible and snuck into the bathroom. Once inside she stripped her clothes off and turned the tap inside the shower on as hot as she thought she could stand it. She looked at her naked body in the mirror above the sink. Justus traced over her chest and upper body remembering her last night with Miguel.

Their lovemaking had been especially tender and loving last night. Justus attributed this to the fact that it was going to be the last time they were together. She pulled the shower curtain closed as she stepped into the small quarters and thought about the level of vulnerability that Miguel brought out in her. Not only had she told him about her family troubles, but last night she told him about Alex. Justus had let him know that he had been her fiancé, and that she had caught him with another woman, but she didn’t tell him this was supposed to be her honeymoon cruise.

A small sob escaped Justus. She bit her lip to keep from crying out loud again. Why did she have to leave Miguel? She wanted to stay with him, for good. He was the most amazing man she had ever met, ever been with. She lowered her head into the shower spray, trying to erase the stream of tears that were flowing down the front of her face.

Waking up next to Miguel these past two mornings had felt perfect, it had felt right. She couldn’t imagine going back to her small apartment, to her empty bed. Justus had hoped that by telling Miguel what she had just been through with Alex, he would read between the lines and understand that she’d been hurt. She was vulnerable and afraid of being alone. She hoped that by telling him, he would offer to make their
relationship work. She knew it was a long-shot, but it was what she wanted, yet didn’t know how to ask him for it.

She would be having breakfast with Miguel soon, and then she’d have to face Krystal after that. She didn’t want either one of them to see any tell-tell puffiness in her eyes. Justus placed the side of her head against the cool tile wall and tried to pull herself together.

***

Justus jumped at the sound of a light knock on the cabin door. She had been staring at herself in the mirror for a full five minutes. She had been staring, without really seeing anything, just thinking. She brought herself back to reality and walked to the door and greeted Miguel.

Together they walked onto the upper levels of the ship for the last time. Justus couldn’t help but feel a sense of melancholy. She tried to take in the scene completely, forcing herself to make a memory of this moment. There was a slight, fragrant breeze that stirred the fine hairs upon her neck. She tilted her nose in the air and smelled a mixture of sea air, Miguel’s cologne, and bacon. She turned to Miguel and smiled.

They ate their breakfast in near silence, enjoying each other’s company just the same. Justus glanced at the clock on the wall of the buffet restaurant. It was time for her to head back to her cabin.

***

Thank God
, Justus thought when she finally saw the fasten seatbelt sign disengage.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” she told Krystal as she unfastened her belt. Justus made the uncomfortable walk to the back of the plane and stepped inside the tiny space.

She found solace in the one place she never dreamed that she could. She reached into her shorts pocket and pulled out the slip of paper that Miguel had given her. It contained his home and cell phone numbers as well as his email address. She turned it over in her hands several times, studying it as if she had never seen it before.

Justus had given him her information as well; however, she wasn’t expecting him to call her. Miguel w
as a gentleman, and they had shared a magical week together, but that’s all it had been. It was over now, he wouldn’t call her and to save herself from future embarrassment, she would make sure she could never get in touch with him. She held her hand over the toilet and let the small scrap of paper flutter from her fingertips. Once it hit the blue water, she flushed the toilet for good measure.

With a large exhale of breath she unlocked the door, turned the knob, and walked back to her seat. She gave Krystal a smile as she sat down. Better for Justus to pretend that everything was okay, if she told Krystal what she had just done she knew she would face a lecture all the way back to St. Louis.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Justus returned home to her apartment late in the afternoon. After using the restroom she checked her answering machine, even though everyone knew she would be gone for a week, she still had a few messages. The first two were hang-ups. The third was from Alex.

“Justus…I realize that I shouldn’t have…treated you the way that I did, it was unfair and basically heartless of me to spring all that on you so soon before the wedding…I’m sorry. I didn’t want to have this conversation with your machine, but I can’t get you to answer my calls or see me, so I guess I don’t have much choice. Anyway, I’m rambling. I want to see you. No pressure, no expectations. I want us to talk, I have some things I need to get off of my chest, and I hope that you’ll be willing to listen. Please call me, I love you.”

Justus fell back against her countertop. She was stunned, as if she wasn’t already confused enough from her week with Miguel, now Alex was calling her wanting to talk, which Justus was pretty sure was code for wanting to get back together. Men, they were more trouble than they were worth.