Finding My Way (17 page)

I’ve been here for two hours and haven’t moved. If I focus I can hear life moving around below me. It makes me wonder if other people are making life changing decisions and breaking hearts?

Every so often, a car’s headlights shine off the cliff that my grandma’s house is on. She says there are actors, actresses, musicians and every other Hollywood type in her neighborhood. She offered to introduce me, but I declined. I want to pave my own way and try to make a name for myself. After everything I’ve done, I need to earn my keep and deal with whatever comes next.

I don’t even know what that is though. I can’t imagine myself walking into a record company and saying, “hey I want to be a musician”. I know it doesn’t work like that. I wish it would. For the first time in years I don’t have a plan. I’m still lost and confused. My emotions have gotten the best of me and I’m still not certain I’ve made the right decision.

I feel for the cell phone in my pocket. The display lights up with missed calls from Mason, and voicemails. I press the button and type in my code to hear my messages, except I don’t want to hear what Mason has to say. I press the corresponding number to delete each message the moment his voice comes on. I know he wants answers, but I don’t have any right now. I need to make a clean transition and talking to him and Josie will not help me do that. I look down at my phone and wonder how long it will be until this is turned off or he reports my truck as stolen. Those actions would be typical Sterling so I know it’s just a matter of time. I pull out my phone and see no missed calls. I’m not gonna lie, it hurts to know she hasn’t tried to call me. Maybe she needs time or is waiting for me to call. I want to. I want to hear her voice and tell her how sorry I am for leaving her and ask her to come here with me while I pass through this adventure, but I can’t. I can’t offer her the life that she wants or needs. Someone will be able to one day and when that day comes, it will kill me, destroy me.

“You look deep in thought.” My grandmother’s voice breaks my reverie. I wipe at my eyes, hoping that she doesn’t see them longing for my girl.

“Just watching,” I say without turning to face her. She steps next to me and sighs.

“Your mom was born here in this house. She grew up playing in this yard and swimming in the pool out back. I thought she wanted this life, but she surprised me when she just upped and left without any word. I tried to get her back but Sterling had given her other ideas. It broke my heart.”

“That’s what I did.”

“What’s that, Liam?”

I shake my head, pulling my lower lip into my mouth and biting. Right now thinking about Josie hurts too much. “I upped and left because I’m a coward.”

Her hand touches my arm in a soothing, motherly way. It’s something I’ve craved for so long.

“What’s her name?”

“Josie Preston.”

“How long have you been with her?”

I toe the grass in front of me and sigh, shaking off a shudder that is trying to work its way through my body. “I’ve known her for a long time, but we’ve been together since I was fifteen. We had this plan where I was going to go into the NFL and we were going to get married, but last year I started second-guessing everything and I tried to tell her, but either I wasn’t saying the right things or she wasn’t willing to accept that I was changing. Thing is, she had no idea about football being a career until I entered her life and I sold her on the idea and when I no longer wanted it, she did. I couldn’t find a way to tell her what I want out of life without crushing her dreams. I love her more than anything and I just left her. I just walked out of her life and drove here. I did it because I didn’t want her to get to the point where she resented me for this.”

“That’s how your grandfather left. I came home after being gone for a week and no sooner do I walk in, he’s walking out. Said he was done. I said good riddance even though I loved him. I let him walk out because I thought he’d be back. I waited and waited and he never came home. About a month later I received divorce papers and cried my eyes out. I thought, “what the hell did I do?” but it wasn’t me. It was him and his eye for anything blond.”

“What about my mom?”

Betty waves her hand like getting divorce papers was no big deal. “Bianca and Charlie had the best relationship. He loved her so much. He never remarried after me and when he got sick, he moved back here and I took care of him. It’s why I have all of his belongings. Well they’re your mother’s, really, but she doesn’t talk to me so I guess you can have them.”

I grow silent, just listening to the life that is happening below us. In Beaumont the moon can light your way, but here, it’s the lights. The glitz and glam that is taking place just down winding road.

“Thank you,” I blurt out, breaking the silence.

“For what?”

“For telling me to follow only my dreams. I had been following my dad’s and a combination of Josie’s and mine and was so afraid to veer off that path because I was going to lose her. I knew I had to leave or I was going to lose myself.”

Betty steps closer and puts her arm around me. I lean into her, relishing in the attention. I hate that my parents took her away from me. I imagine someday, I’ll ask my mother why, but I don’t see myself doing that anytime soon.

“I want to try this music thing for a year. Give myself twelve months to see what I can do and if I fail, I’ll go back to college.”

Betty nods. “That sounds like a good plan. Now come on, let’s go eat and you can unpack.”

We walk back into her house, hand in hand. With how welcoming she’s been and how loving, I don’t think I’ll ever want to leave her.

Chapter 27

I
tie the black tie my grandmother bought for me and let it hang against the freshly ironed white shirt. I have to wear a jacket tonight, but at this point in my life I’ll do anything my grandma asks me to do.

Tonight, she’s having a gathering as she calls it. What I found out from her housekeeper is that her gatherings include somewhere between fifty to one hundred people coming here to have cocktails and discuss Hollywood gossip. I’ve also learned, in the last two months, that my grandma can gossip with the best of them.

I’ve yet to perform since I’ve been here and even though that should bother me, it doesn’t. It’s giving me time to fine-tune my stage performance. I play in front of my grandma and the house staff all the time. They all say I’m good and can’t wait to see me perform on stage. My grandma has offered to make some calls, but I told her that I need to do this on my own, no handouts. I know she wants to help, but I need to struggle. I need to feel like I’m accomplishing something for everything I’ve left behind.

I don’t know what to expect from tonight. I do know a lot of industry people will be here and we’ll be mingling. In all my years, I’ve never mingled. I’m not even sure I know how to mingle or be social. I am promised that no one will ask about where I came from or what I’m doing. Betty simply told them that her grandson has come to live with her.

Living here has been interesting. Navigating the streets is a nightmare and I know why my grandma has a driver, but I refuse to let Stan drive me anywhere. I have to learn my way around. I can’t show up at a gig with a driver. That screams rich spoiled kid and that is something I’m not.

I slip my arms into my jacket and stand in front of the mirror. Everything about me is different. My hair is longer. The bags are gone from under my eyes. I feel like I stand taller even though I know it’s not possible. I’ve taken full advantage of the swimming pool that’s on the grounds and agreed when my grandma ordered a weight set for me to use. As much as I’m over football, I’m not over my physique and do want to keep that.

Days after I arrived, my grandma and I sat in her theater room and watched her old movies. We ate popcorn, laughed and she even cried a little. It’s amazing to see her on screen and then sitting across from me at dinner in the same day. Each day that I’m getting with her is a blessing. She’s truly an amazing woman and the fact that she’s been kept from me for so long makes me more resentful toward my parents. They have no idea what they’re missing.

When she pulled out my grandfather’s old records and played them I did something I never thought I’d do – I asked her to dance. Seeing her face light up made me truly smile for the first time in months. Being here with her is worth the heartache I feel. I have no doubt in my mind this is where I belong.

I walk down the hallway and into the formal dining room where the party is already in full force. There are new staff members walking around with serving trays, all dressed in black pants and white shirts. One walks by, offering me a glass of champagne. I take the glass and quickly bring it to my lips, downing the contents. My grandma and I haven’t talked about the vices I have, but I’ve seen her frowning when she catches me smoking. The habit should be easy to stop, but it occupies me and keeps me from thinking. It keeps me from wondering why I’ve been gone for two months and
she
hasn’t called me yet. I thought she would’ve. I had hoped she’d call and demand I come back to her so we can fix us, but she hasn’t.

The one request for tonight is that I mingle and introduce myself. It’s an easy enough challenge. I was once the most charismatic guy in Beaumont, how hard can industry people be?

“Liam?”

I turn at the sound of my grandmother calling my name. She beams at me when I step toward her with an out stretched hand.

“I want to you meet a friend of mine,” she says. “Liam this is Tess and her son Harrison James. Tess is the personal assistant to my casting agent.” We spent a day going over all the jobs in the industry. There are so many that I got lost and like a true grandma, she made a list for me so I wouldn’t forget. “Harrison plays the drums at a club called Metro. They have open mic nights if you’re interested in talking to him about it,” she whispers. I nod, acknowledging what she’s telling me.

I step forward and shake both their hands. “It’s nice to meet you both,” I say.

“You too, Liam, your grandmother has told me so much about you. She’s very happy you’ve decided to stay with her.” I look at my grandma who is smiling from ear to ear.

She pats my arm. “Why don’t you take Harrison out back and show him around?”

“Okay, grandma.” I kiss her on the cheek and signal toward the patio door. Harrison follows, stepping out into the early evening sun. I walk until I’m at the back, where there is a table set up.

“Sorry about my grandmother in there. I think she’s trying to make up for all the years we’ve missed.” I sit down and lean my chair up against the tree.

“It’s okay. I was pretty much forced to come here tonight.” I inspect Harrison. He’s a bit taller than I am and far skinnier. He has a few tattoos on his arms, making wonder if they’re a necessity in the music industry. I quickly look down at my arms, curious as to what they’d look like with inked etched on them. One thing is for certain, my parents would flip and that thought alone makes me want one.

“Because of me?” I ask already knowing the answer but needing the confirmation.

He nods. “Yeah,” he says without making eye contact. “My mom is close to your grandmother so they plotted and here I am.”

“I’m sorry. If you want to leave, I can make up some excuse.” I know what it feels like to be put in awkward situations. My dad has done it to me many times, which only spurred me to withdraw from him more and more.

Harrison shakes his head slightly. “I’m cool.” He looks down at the ground or his feet. It’s not like I want to stare, but I’m trying to figure him out. He runs his hand over his beanie, moving it back and forth before leaving it where it originally was.

“Do you mind if I smoke?” I ask.

He looks up quickly and offers the slightest of smiles. “Hell no, my mom said I couldn’t, but if you are, I’m going to.” We both light up and I don’t know if this is some freaky guy bonding thing, but it definitely takes the edge off any awkwardness we have going on.

“Can I ask you about your gig?”

“I play the drums for the house band at the bar Metro.”

“So you have, like, open mic nights?”

He nods as he takes a drag of his cigarette, exhaling into the night air. “Thursday through Saturday we do. We have some regulars and shit too. You sign up at four and wait your turn. The owner puts you on according to popularity. Usually by ten or eleven there are a few agents lurking around. We’ve had a couple of acts pick up agents and even sign deals from there.”

“You’re not working tonight?”

He looks at his watch and back to me before putting his cigarette out. “I’m doing the last few sets. My mom doesn’t stay out late so I just asked for a few hours off.”

“How do you know what to play? I mean, everyone comes with different music, right?”

“They do, but most of the time they’re songs that we’ve all heard. Every now and again someone will come in with an original piece and once they start, I can usually figure out the beat.”

“Just like that even without hearing it first?”

“Yeah, I have this weird music hearing thing. I don’t know. I can’t explain it,” His brows furrow as he’s telling me this. I wouldn’t call it weird, I’d call it a talent. I had a similar knack with picking apart the defenses that I was facing. “My mom said something about you playing the guitar and wanting to sing?”

“I taught myself last summer and I’ve been playing a few songs. I’m on the list for the Roxy, but that list is freaking long.”

“And they’re hard to get into and you usually need a full band to play there. But that’s how I learned to play the drums so it’s cool that you taught yourself. You should come with me down to the club and check it out.”

I think I like this guy and I want to scream hell yes, but I try to keep my cool. “Want to go now? I have a truck we can take.”

“Sure why not? If we’re supposed to hang so you’re not alone, might as well hang where we can jam. Grab your guitar and we’ll go.”

Harrison doesn’t have to tell me twice. I all but run back to the house and to my room to change out of my clothes and into black jeans and a t-shirt. I snag my guitar and find my grandma to tell her what we’re doing. Her expression is a mixture of “I wish you wouldn’t leave” and “go have fun”. When I get outside, Harrison is standing by my truck, waiting.