Finding My Way (20 page)

First the smoking and now some form of recreational drug use. At least it wasn’t snorting coke or sticking a needle in my arm. I’m not stupid enough to do that and I really hope I never get to that point in my life.

I roll onto my side and watch Layla sleep. What is it about her that would make me forget my worries; forget the pain I’m causing myself? From the moment I met her after her show, she had me captivated with the way she carried herself. I shouldn’t feel like this, not after what I’ve done. I shouldn’t want to reach out and let my fingers trail over her soft skin or push my hands into her hair, but I do and I am.

Her skin pebbles in the wake of my fingers touching her. I try not to laugh, but can’t help it. Layla stirs, the sheet falling just below her breast, a breast that I became very acquainted with last night and have an urge to get to know again. I don’t know the protocol here and I could be wrong for staying in bed like this, for wanting to touch her again.

“You’re tickling me,” she mumbles. I stop and rest my hand on my hip, realizing it’s time for me to go. I don’t know if I should kiss her on the cheek or just leave. What I do know is that I shouldn’t be here, not anymore. This isn’t right for me. I shouldn’t want to touch another woman like this. I don’t deserve to.

Before I can move, before I can get away with just the shame in my heart, Layla is staring at me with her honey colored eyes. Her make-up is heavy and still in place from last night, the complete opposite of what I’m used to.

“I’m going to go.” I say this mostly for my own benefit and peace of mind. Does she really care if I stay, probably not?

Layla pulls the sheet down exposing me for all to see… or just her since we’re behind a closed door. This is my cue and I’m taking it. I start to roll over, only to be stopped by her climbing on top of me and now I’m seeing all of her in the morning light with the sunlight kissing her skin.

“Do you really want to leave?” she asks as she kisses her way up my chest and to my neck, her body rocking against me creating friction. “I thought maybe we’d have breakfast.”

She’s thinking about food?

“Um… sure, breakfast sounds good.” I swallow hard and close my eyes to try and calm down. I try to think about anything other than Layla being naked and sitting on top of me, but the ministrations she’s providing is making it impossible. The last thing I want to do is walk out of here with a raging boner and run into her roommate, if she has one. I haven’t a clue what to expect on the other side of that door, but I’d prefer to do it without a tent in my pants.

“Good, I really like breakfast in the morning,” she whispers in my ear. The sound of foil ripping is enough to make my eyes spring open. I lift my head enough to follow her actions as she rolls a condom on my waiting erection. I hope, no I pray, that we used one last night. I hate that I don’t remember and it pains me to think that we didn’t because I was in too much of a haze to remember to put on a coat.

Layla slides down my cock, her head falls back and her mouth drops open. She uses my stomach as a tool to push herself up and down. Even though I’ve been here many times before, I’m at a loss as to where I should put my hands. All I know is I want them all over her. I need them to be on her to help me forget the pain that I’m living with. I want her to help me block it out. To shut out the voices that are constantly screaming inside of my head, telling me that I’m the worst of the worst.

She doesn’t wait for me to stop fighting with myself. She reaches for my hands, placing them on her breasts as she rides me. I want to be in control. I don’t remember much from last night, but apparently she does and it’s about time that I do. I move my hands to her waist and flip her over. Everything about her is foreign, but what we’re doing seems natural even if I feel like this is wrong, like I’m cheating.

I sit back on my knees and pull her hips to me, sliding her up and down over my shaft. I can’t read her, not like… I shake my head to clear the thought. I don’t want to think about
her
, not right now, not like this. I lean forward and silence her moans with my mouth, morning breath be damned. We’ve already shared enough and we haven’t even been on a date. That thought alone almost breaks me. I can’t do a relationship. It’s not in me to even try with someone else. I shouldn’t even be here and if
she
hadn’t called, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t have needed someone or something to take the pain away.

Layla’s frantic beneath me, her hands grab at any part of my body that she can get too. My head rears back when her nails sink into my back. Everything about this moment is intense and different from anything I’ve ever experienced before. I thrust into her harder as I feel her tightening around my cock. She bites my lower lip, I cry out, not only from the pain, but from my release as I fill the condom.

I collapse on top of her and carefully pull out making sure the condom stays in place. The last thing I need is an accident. I don’t know her that well, but she’s on her way to stardom and she doesn’t need me complicating her life.

“Was that breakfast?” I ask, out of breath.

She laughs, her chest pushing against mine. I roll over and cover my eyes with my forearm. I’m exhausted and know for a fact that I didn’t last that long. If I wasn’t so tired and hung over, I’d care, but I don’t. I can always show her again after a nice long shower and nap if that’s what she wants. I’m thinking that’s not what she wants though and I’d be okay with that.

“Yeah, was it good for you?” she snorts when she finishes her question and I’m laughing right along the side of her. You always fear that stupid cheesy line, but when it actually happens you realize you can’t help but laugh. “Oh God I just snorted.”

“It was cute,” I add to ease her embarrassment. “But yes it was good. I’m just sorry I didn’t last longer.”

“You were perfect and last night was amazing.”

I wish I could agree with her, but I can’t. Bits and pieces are coming back to me, but it’s all in a fog. Something tells me though that she’s one I won’t forget even if I don’t remember the specifics.

Chapter 31

W
hen I get home, I find my grandma sitting in her sunroom. The view is breathtaking, making it easy to understand why she prefers this room to the others. Her gardens are nicely landscaped with birds taking advantage of the late summer sun. I lean down and kiss her on the cheek, but she doesn’t show any emotion. There’s no reaction from her. For the first time since I’ve been here, my grandma isn’t smiling at me. My chest tightens immediately with the knowledge that something is wrong.

“Sit down, Liam.” Her voice is stern, commanding.

I do as she says, taking the seat next to her. My hands clutch the arm rests as I prepare for the worst. Whatever I’ve done, it’s pissed her off and I know I’m going to end up paying for my actions. She’s probably shipping me back to Beaumont, but I won’t go. If I have to live out of my truck and bus tables, I’ll do it.

“I’m not going to set rules for you, but I do have one request and if it can’t be met, I can’t have you living here. I’m far too old to be up worrying all night because you haven’t come home. So I’m going to ask that you call me or let me know beforehand if you plan on staying out all night.”

I hang my head in shame. I hadn’t thought about what she might be thinking when I didn’t come back last night. My parents – they didn’t care – and I didn’t give a shit if they did. I’d leave many times in the middle of the night and not give pause to what they’d think if they found that I wasn’t in my room.

“The life here, it’s different from what you’re used to. The rules are different. The people – they don’t care about you – all they care about is what they can do to make you be a pawn in their game. As much as you probably don’t want to admit it, you’re naïve. I don’t want to know where you were or what you were doing, but I want you to be safe. I’ve been around long enough to know the cycle doesn’t change with each generation. It just gets worse.

“I know you want to be famous, even if you can’t admit that to yourself. Everyone at one time in their life thinks about being famous and you have the opportunity knocking on your door. I told you I can make some calls, but you asked me not to. And because of that you need to do it on your own. Your mom was the same way. I respect that about you, you’re not looking for handouts, but you have to remember that each and every person you meet in the industry wants something from you in return. It’s a never-ending cycle in Hollywood. Nothing is for free, despite what you’re being told.

“Like I said, I don’t want to know where you were last night, but I want you to be careful. I want you to think with your head and not always your heart. The booze, drugs and women are on every corner and in every club, and if you’re not cautious you’ll end up in a hole that even I can’t dig you out of. “

My grandma goes silent as I replay her words. I’m a total shit for not considering her feelings last night when I left and I’m sure at one point I had every intention on coming home, but Layla and her magic pill threw every inhibition I had out the window. Not that I mind except for the fact that my actions have hurt the one person who is supporting me not because of my dream, but because she’s my grandma. She doesn’t care if I’m a football player, a musician or a bum. She loves me for
me
.

My grandma eyes me as I scoot my chair next to hers. I have a feeling the chair wasn’t supposed to move or hasn’t moved in years. It’s okay though, we’re making all types of changes in our lives, her and I together.

I take her hand in mine and smile when she squeezes it. “I’m sorry, grandma. I truly am. The last thing I want to do is to disappoint or even upset you. I had every intention of coming back last night. I didn’t mean to disrespect you and it won’t happen again.”

She squeezes my hand again and sighs. “Did you have fun last night?”

“Yes, I did. Harrison took me to the club he works at. There was a band playing and after we went to a dance club. I just lost track of time.” I hate lying to her, but telling her that I ended up with the lead singer in some drug-induced haze probably isn’t want she wants to hear. It was my first night out and while I had a great time, knowing that I’ve upset and disrespected my grandma doesn’t sit well with me. I need to be more responsible and respectful of her feelings.

I also need to make sure that what happened last night never happens again. I’m not ready. As much as I want to be over her, I’m not. When I close my eyes, I dream of her. Some nights it’s a nightmare and other nights, its memories of the times we’ve spent together. I replay in my mind the voicemail she left me last night. The anger in her voice and the knowledge that she finally hates me, is a relief in a way. I can’t take the crying and the begging. She doesn’t understand that I just need one weak moment and I’ll be running back to her. If I do, nothing has changed. I’m still the Liam that she wants to love on the outside, but on the inside, I’m different and I don’t know how to show her that. I’m weak and I don’t deserve someone like Josephine Preston. I’ve had a taste of what I want and I need to try to accomplish that. I need to pay my dues and if I fail, I’ll suffer the consequences. I’m prepared for that.

My decision to leave her the way I did still weighs heavily on my chest and in my heart. From the message I saved I know her heart is broken, but mine is too. The pain is evident with every breath I take. The cinderblock that is sitting on my chest isn’t budging and after last night, it’s only worse. I should’ve known better than to take what was offered on Layla’s tongue, but my mind… it was replaying her voicemail over and over again and I needed to shut everything off. I wanted to mute the noise and just let my body feel nothing for a brief moment.

I sigh and relax in the chair. My grandma pats my arm, maybe understanding my pain more than she lets on. Someday I plan to ask her more about my grandfather and even my mother and how she met my father. I know it’s not something she wants to talk about, but I have questions and I’m hoping that the day will come that we can sit down and she’ll reveal everything with me.

“I’m sorry, grandma. I really am,” I say without reservation. “I met some people and let the excitement of the night take over. It won’t happen again.”

“It will, Liam, and that’s okay. I just ask that you call or tell me before you leave if you plan to stay out. When I go to sleep at night I want to sleep peacefully, but knowing you were out last night, you’re first real night out in LA, I was worried. That’s all.”

I lean in and kiss her on her cheek again. This time she meets me half way and I know I’m forgiven. My cell phone rings and when I look at the number, it’s one I don’t recognize.

“Hello?”

“Liam? Trixie. Six-thirty.” The phone goes dead before I have a chance to respond. I pull my phone away from ear and look at it as if it’s offended me.

“Everything okay?”

I clear my throat. “Yeah. I think I get to play tonight at Metro.”

“That’s wonderful, Liam. Your first gig.”

I shake my head and look at my grandma. I’ve already decided that my first gig will be when someone shows interest in me. Until then I’m just playing my guitar. “My first gig will be when someone wants me to perform so they can hear me. Right now and until then, I’m just playing to get to that point.”

“You’ll be there before you know it.”

Her confidence in my ability overwhelms me.

“Hey do you think it’s okay if I tag along or is that not
cool
?”

I chuckle. “If I didn’t know any better I’d think you’re asking me out on a date.”

She fakes horror, but laughs. “It will definitely get me on the front page of Page Six if I show up with you on my arm. Oh imagine the tabloids.”

I shake my head. “I’d be honored to take you as my date tonight.”

Grandma claps her hands together. “I must go get ready.” Before I can say anything or remind her that it’s just after lunch, she’s out of her chair and in the house leaving me here to contemplate everything that’s happened in the last twenty-four hours. Two things are for certain. One, I’m hoping Harrison is there tonight and two, as much as I want to see Layla again, there cannot be a repeat of last night. I need more friends than lovers right now and I don’t want to ruin what I’m hoping will be a good friendship.